Gaeta Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Long story short, this man and I dated for 6 months (I'm 48 and he's 46). We were exclusive for those 6 months, we were very much into each other and into taking our relationship toward something long term and meaningful. We had no issues, we never argued over anything, it was a very smooth and enjoyable relationship. On January 4th he left the country (till August). Till he got on that airplane he was his loving attentive self with me, we were both crushed by his departure but had this plan of going through this together. Once he landed over there he fell of the face of the earth. I got no phone call, I got one short uninterested email after a couple of weeks, and now it's been 4 weeks with no news at all. I have no choice but to conclude he's pulled a disappearing act on me. People say to let it go blahblahblah, yes sure, but under these circumstances it's hard to achieve. Usually disappearing act happen after 4-6 weeks dating, not 6 months. I am considering sending a last email where I end the relationship, even if it's obvious it's over, just so it makes me feel like I am officially single and free to move on. Will doing this help me or just prolong my heartbreak? I am afraid if I do it then I will start expecting a reply back with...ok good bye or something. As it stands now I don't have closure but I also have stopped waiting to hear from him. Thank you for your time.
funnywoman Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Your story is a bit strange. I can understand your feelings completely. From what you said it seems he was a decent guy up til he got on the plane. Usually, a break up of this sort, when one person moves away, comes after keeping in touch, then slowly the calls and emails just dwindle down. No idea why he acted this way, sorry, but I do think it's over. If it were me, I would send an email telling him that he hurt you in disappearing like he did, and point out that you were completely taken off guard by his actions and to this point have had no idea what to say to him or think about the relationship. Then tell him you hope things are going well for him, things are going well for you too, and say you hope to remain friends. Then, let it go. Don't expect a reply, but if you get one, don't respond to it unless he asks you a question. Bottom line - I think you will feel better if you send an unemotional email as long as you are good with the fact that most likely he will not respond.
HappyLove Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 I think you should do whatever helps you heal. I'd write the email and not send it for three days just so you can have time to think over everything you'd like to say and add to it if necessary. Don't feel guilty at all he's the one who abandoned the relationship and YOU. You need to move on because face it, even if he WAS that cluless and thought he could really just go away and never call you, is this the type if man you want in your life? Six months is just cruel to do this to someone. He is heartless. Yes, end it on your terms and find yourself a decent man. 1
KathyM Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 A lot of times, when people have to be away for extended periods of time, the relationship fizzles out. My son and his girlfriend broke up for this very reason (that she was going to be studying in another country for several months). Of course, they were upfront with each other about ending the relationship before she left. It could be that your boyfriend thought he could maintain a long distance relationship, and then when he moved to another country for an extended stay, he realized that he didn't want to try to maintain it and be alone for several months in another country. I'm guessing that is what happened. My brother-in-law also had this happen, where he was emotionally involved with a woman, and when they had to live in separate countries for many months, they found it was not feasible to maintain a long distance relationship, so the communication became infrequent and they dropped the effort to maintain a long distance relationship after six months of trying to keep it going. I would suggest sending him an Email saying that trying to maintain a long distance relationship is probably not going to work out for both of you, and that you think the distance is causing some emotional distancing as well, so maybe it's best if you took a break from the relationship at this point.
Author Gaeta Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Funnywoman, yes it is strange. If I put aside how enjoyable our relationship was and how into me he was and I look at the 'man' it's even more incomprehensible. He is a devoted hands-on father, he did volunteer work 3 times a week with youth, he visited the elderly of his family on weekly basis, he is regarded by the community and everyone around him, not the kind of human being you'd expect to pull something like that.
MidwestUSA Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Did you and he discuss the future of to your relationship before he left? Eight months is a long time. Surely you expressed expectations? So sorry this has happened to you. Here you think that we're older and beyond the game playing, and poof.
funnywoman Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Hmmm... From what you just said I find his behavior really odd now. If you have not done this already, try to find out if he is still in contact with the other people in his life. I'm wondering if has a serious issue he is dealing with such as an illness, a financial crisis, or something else that perhaps he is trying to sort out. I would try to find out if he is acting normal in all other regards and relationships. If he is, then most likely he has decided not to continue the relationship with you and you probably will never know why. No matter what you find, keep in mind that it was him that hurt the relationship, not you. I think mostly you just want answers, and closure. Try (discreetly) to find answers, and no matter what you find (if anything), send him an email wishing him well. And then go on with your life. I think a lot of people would send an accusatory email, one filled with the hurt he caused. Try not to do that, he already knows he behaved badly (for whatever reason) and hurt you.
Author Gaeta Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Did you and he discuss the future of to your relationship before he left? Eight months is a long time. Surely you expressed expectations? So sorry this has happened to you. Here you think that we're older and beyond the game playing, and poof. Yes we did quite a bit. And I did not pressure him into anything. I asked if he would be able to handle his work and a gf back home, he said absolutely, and I added if he wished we could give each other our freedom and reconnect in August and see. He said he did not want that, he felt strongly crazy about me, he was in love with me and if I met someone else he would not be able to function for a long time, that's how strong he felt about us. Right before he got in the Airplane his last words were: I am getting a phone as soon as I get there, kisses and hugs and stuff then Poof!
Author Gaeta Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 ........he already knows he behaved badly (for whatever reason) and hurt you. You are right, I didn't think of it that way. He must know. I spoke to his daughter about 4 weeks ago, she's 21. She told me she had not heard from him for a while and she thought too it was odd, it's not like him. The following day that I spoke to her I got a short email from him saying nothing is wrong, he is very busy, a lot is going on, and he was unable to make it to a computer. I have to add he is not in an industrial country, he's in a tropical country and building a house in a small community there. He doesn't have access to the Internet as he wishes, I understand that BUT, it doesn't excuse I got no phone call, especially when his last words were about getting a phone asap. At this point I am building a lot of resentment because I am unable to excuse why I am left with no news for a month, letting go seems the healthiest route.
Leigh 87 Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Wow. What this guy did is really wrong. 6 months of an intense relationship with weekly visits and "I love yous" exchanged is too much for most people with empathy to just "disappear" from. Based on what you guys, the duration and the words he told you about WANTING to remain with you and "getting a phone" the second he lands:sick:, only to disappear on you:sick:? It is a cowardly, nasty thing of him to have done. He may be a good person, but he handled this situation terribly. I would be shocked if my boyfriend were to do this, because I trust my boyfriend to a large degree. I feel I "know" his character well enough by now, and we have only been together for three months! I would not forgive my boyfriend if he did this to me after even 2 months of being together, it would still be a rude move of him to have made; we have been intimate, and he has given me every indication that he is serious about starting a future with me if all goes well.... It would be nasty and cold hearted of him to disappear on me now. Even if he came back and profusely apologised, I would not take him back. It is inexcusable to make out like you are going to "get a phone (and contact you) as soon as he lands" only to disappear:sick: He is not too busy to have broken it off with you. You have the closure you need. He disappeared for a month. You know deep down that he failed you and it is the end. Don't bother emailing him. You had a great time together. He was a coward and disappeared. Maybe he met someone else. Perhaps he realised that he didn't want to continue with you? He may not have missed you and panicked/realised he wasn't in love with you? As you can see there is a multitude of options as to WHY he disappeared. The point is, he is not head over heels, crazy in love with you. He wouldn't have disappeared in this fashion if you were the love of his life, or "the one".
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