Still feeling it after all this time.

[Gazza911]

Hi,

 

I've never been the most intuitive of people but I'm suffering from some historic problems and have no one to talk to so hope others may be able to help. I've just got a few things bugging me.

 

I'm 48 she's 47. Been married 25 years and together 28 years.

 

She was my first serious partner and I was hers although she had a couple of short term relationships before me. It was a long distance relationship as well at first although that changed after a few months.

 

I guess I was pretty nieve really when we got together. She had her own place which I would stay in when I visited. I had mine where she stayed on her visits to me. She was a trainee nurse and I was just finishing engineering training.

 

Just before Christmas 1985 I rang her to say I was coming to visit. She said everything possible to dissuade me and I thought it was really strange. We had agreed to meet for new year which we did and she seemed to have changed. She had rearranged her room and throughout the weekend was tearful a few times quite unlike previously. She didn't want to talk. Not having had a lot of experience with women I just gave her space. As we got more serious over the following months she would repeatedly say 'I don't deserve you'. Once she said 'if you ever cheat on me I don't want to know'. I was perplexed. Why would I cheat on her? It's fairly obvious now looking at it that something happened but at the time.....

 

In the April of 1986 we had the talk about previous partners. When she referred to her previous boyfriend she said at Christmas she went to a party and ended up in her room with him. They argued about me and he and left. I asked if she slept with him and she said no.

 

Anyway we moved in together at the end of 1986, married Dec 1987. She was quite nervy about being married but things seemed fine. She had a very stressful job and didn't take very well to it so had big moodswings in the November of 1988 she was on a real downer at work and home. She just didn't seem happy. My parents were visiting for Christmas and she said she felt judged by them all the time and couldn't face dealing with it all. I was suddenly taken quite ill and was rushed into hospital where I spent a few days. When she visited she clearly didn't seem to want to be there. When we got home she was still really unhappy and said that we needed to talk more. I was clearly doing something wrong but wasn't sure how to handle it. Over the next few days she gradually returned to her old self. Christmas came and went ok with both families.

 

This was my kicker now and I handled it all wrong but please don't blame me I did what I though was best but definitely not for me.

 

In 1991 my daughter was born. 6 weeks after she was born we had an evening out together. We were chatting and I casually asked her if she had ever cheated. She just as casually said 'just the once'. It was one of those moments when the world stopped. I was numb. We went home silently and it wasn't mentioned. The next morning I tried to confront her but I kept looking at my 6 week old daughter and knew I couldn't do it. Even then I knew I would regret it but just couldn't. I can't explain it. I couldn't walk away. It was never mentioned again.

 

I went through a million emotions but kept it bottled. Somehow we carried on and things did get back to a degree of partnership.

 

The relaxed way she said it seemed inconsequential to her. I thought back to the Christmas of 1985 and it made sense to me then. She even sent me a second Christmas card which said simply. 'To the one I love' underlined. I guessed this is what her cheating meant in guilt which wasn't so bad I guess but if I had this knowledge at the time would I have married her. No I wouldn't so it doesn't make it much better really.

 

In 1993 we had a son. I would be ok for long periods then sometimes she would say something innocent and it would fire up all those feelings again. One of those things was in 2002 when she said, I never told you this but back in 1989 one of the doctors was constantly hassling me to go out with him. She said she didn't like him and kept away from him. This set alarm bells ringing again which set me off on a cycle.

 

When I was in hospital my wife and this doctor booked me in. The first thing my wife said when I arrived was to the doctor 'this is my husband' I never thought anything of it at the time but was she warning him? Did she have an affair while I was in hospital. I never had reason to suspect anything even looking back, other than she was very unhappy at the time both before, during and after my stay. The 'we need to talk more' came within an hour of me arriving home. But nothing was really said. Was she simply under too much pressure at work and home or was she looking to bale out. I've no idea.

 

I became maritally disillusioned after this 2002 revelation. The mental anguish became too much and I retreated inward . I mentally split myself. I did my duty and fostered an illusion of happy marriage but I started having brief affairs. I knew it was wrong but didn't seem to care. It was like something snapped inside of me. This went on from around 2003 until 2012. Again, please don't judge me. I have never spoken of this before. It feels better just writing it down. I think I was just trying to be as bad as I think she has been which was stupid but that's how I dealt with it. What if it was all in my mind which has run riot for many years. She has no idea of my extramarital activity.

 

In 2011 I was becoming really dismissive and unpleasant towards her. Not because I didn't love her which will appear to many people a daft thing to say. How can you love someone but treat them like I have?

 

I had become like 2 separate people. I decided I had to change. It took me 2 years to turn myself round. Not her, it was me that had to change. I was confused because I reacted to her which you could say made me make the choices I did as a way of dealing with it but i had to change myself to create the relationship rebalance. 2 wrongs were not going to make a right.

 

We haven't actually had that bad a relationship overall when you look at many of our friends who have divorced and apparently had great relationships. I have never had any other suspicions about her since that time. Our current relationship is very good and close considering our history. We always portrayed an excellent foundation for our children who have become balanced and intellectual young adults. I think back to that decision I made when my daughter was 6 weeks old and I look at her now aged 22. I shared her journey and that's just made me cry. That's something that wouldn't have happened had I walked. I was a great dad because I made sure of it, that's what they both say, but they have no idea of the pain and internal conflict I carried all these years. I had to mentally split to separate those feelings but they took their toll on me.

 

Even now we are empty nesters and I can't seem to let it go. Is there a way I can deal with this.

 

I thank you if you have reached the end of this really long post but your thoughts would be welcome.

[No Limit]

Your affairs were the result of conflicting and negative emotions which never had any chance to get out. And despite the fact that you too did mistakes (which in my point of view were all triggered by your wife; I doubt that you would have cheated if she hadn't, not someone who sacrifices himself to keep up a lie), I wonder if your wife ever stood up for hers. Did she ever apologize? A little christmas card is fairly ridiculous.

 

And to be honest, you're living a lie and you know it yourself, resulting in cognitive dissonance. But I'll quote Leon Festinger on this:

"The existence of dissonance, being psychologically uncomfortable, will motivate the person to try to reduce the dissonance and achieve consonance."

 

"When dissonance is present, in addition to trying to reduce it, the person will actively avoid situations and information which would likely increase the dissonance."

 

Second quote basically explains your affair.

 

But truth be told, if your children are old enough to care for themselves or already living their own life, let her go. You've sacrificed yourself for your children which was and is very noble of you, but don't do it for her.

It's time for you to live as well.

[Gazza911]

Wow,

 

Thanks for the reply. You have just explained why I've felt this way for so long. I've now been reading about cognitive dissonance, which I hadn't heard of before, and it puts it into words for me.

 

The reason the affairs helped so much was that they created a mental balance. It balanced mental consistency against reality. This made the situation acceptable. Much like a drug until it wore off and needed repeating. Cognitively reinforcing to normalise the state. That is what I have been mentally trying to achieve. That's not a long term solution. I get that so what are my options.

 

According to Festinger theory, dissonance reduction can be achieved in three ways

 

1. Change behavior/cognition

 

Dump her. As you rightly say that will finish it.

 

2. Justify behavior/cognition by changing the conflicting cognition

 

Basically change my thinking on the acceptability of past behaviour.

 

3. Justify behavior/cognition by adding new cognitions

 

Continue having affairs indefinitely to repeatedly 'reset the clock' and achieve mental normally.

 

Nothing is off the table. I'll consider this for a while. I will also read up more on the subject. It's a relief just to understand there is an explanation to my feelings and past actions.

[Gazza911]

This cognitive dissonance thing has been a massive revelation to me. It has made my feelings feel very clear. I have been a complete idiot having these affairs over the years. Putting her aside, for my sake. I now understand why I did it but that really is very bad. It was planned and premeditated, no excuse other than what I stated in my original text. If her cheating was as it appears then it was drunken and stupid. The question is where to go from here?

 

The text below highlights my situation exactly.

 

One can reduce cognitive dissonance by changing either his opinion on the matter, or his behavior on the matter. If one changes his opinion about the issue at hand, the behavior is no longer dissonant with the opinion, and dissonance is reduced. Also, if one changes his behavior and the behavior now matches the opinion, dissonance is reduced. Another way to reduce dissonance is to simply decrease the importance placed on the elements in question. If a person no longer cares that his behavior and his thoughts are different, dissonance will be reduced (Festinger, 1957).

 

I changed my behaviour to match the reality or perceived reality thereby reducing the impact of those feelings.

 

That was bull**** and I should have confronted it. If any others reading this prove cheating, just walk. I wish I had but I've already talked about that.

 

Not really sure what to do now. Dump her as toxic? I really wish it was as simple as that but in reality it isn't. Other than the time I was in hospital when, on balance, I actually don't think anything did happen, but your mind starts thinking all sorts after a while, I've certainly no evidence of anything other than her being depressed for a few weeks. I can't really confront her with no evidence. We never went out separately prior and were never apart other than when I was an inpatient. She was not liked where she worked due to being promoted above others. I think the knives were out for her and she was bottling it up. This guy probably didn't help and it certainly didn't make her act any different over the period with me. She quit her career about 4 months later due to stress and said she really felt bad letting me down financially but couldn't cope any longer with the stress of the job. I've had no other suspicion in the last 25 years and I have watched for them and checked up on stuff from time to time.

 

It's not just my personal life that is involved here either but we are 50/50 directors in a flourishing business with employees. The ripples don't bear thinking about. Throwing the baby out with the bath water springs to mind.

 

I can't see this having a happy ending for me personally without accepting the situation but wouldn't know where to start. I am doing my best not to feel like the victim here because I had done nothing wrong. I've done everything wrong since I started on my destructive path so wouldn't it be the pot calling the kettle black? The key as I see it is to get out of the cycle.

 

I've been faithful again now for 2 and a half years. Again on balance, I feel dumping her for something that happened when she was single would be far more detrimental to my life that trying to find some solace after what I have done and after this amount of time. It's just how to do it.

 

Maybe some posters will say I deserve what I get then but some things are very easy to say but much much harder to do.

[compulsivedancer]

So she cheated on you when you were first dating - it sounds like at the VERY beginning, based on the 28 years math. Were you even exclusive yet?

 

Then she MAY HAVE cheated at some point later, but you never had the balls to actually confront her about it.

 

Then you cheated on her for 10 years. After not talking to her at all about what she may have done.

 

It sounds like you have serious communications problems. How dare you blame your 10 years of multiple affairs on her when you never even took the time to find out what happened, much less get help or try to move on.

 

You should have addressed the issues as they came up. Instead of merely assuming she cheated, you should have found out and dealt with the situation. You don't get to do whatever you want in a relationship just because you THINK she did.

 

Yes, your relationship is toxic, but you need to take your share of the blame. Don't blame cheating for 10 years with multiple women on her. And shame on anyone else who does.

[harrybrown]

Have you ever asked her about her comments on the cheating?

 

After you get the information, you should disclose your cheating.

 

Good luck with your relationship. I hope you both find a way to deal with the pain better than cheating on each other.

[Gazza911]

Quite a lot of comment to get through. Thanks for your responses. It's like picking over an old wound but I want/need to do it.

 

This post was moved to the correct section and I've been looking at the pinned posts. Very helpful.

 

JThompkins

 

I see exactly what you are saying and I am trying to rationalise things that happened a long time ago. We were not an item at the time this took place, that is what I meant when I said she was still single. I think after this event was the defining moment that she realised what I meant to her. Our relationship took off from there. Does that make it any better? Not really for me but in her mind she thinks differently. That might explain the casualness of the revelation. It meant nothing to her so should mean nothing to me. We always judge other by how we judge ourselves.

 

After a lot of thought I believe the hospital thing never happened. I have no outward evidence and she was experiencing personal problems at work at the time with stress. Which she did talk about a little. She found the responsibility too much to bear hence her quitting. That's how it appeared anyway. Her only concern at the time to me was the financial implications.

 

You have said I seem to be making excuses. First this then that. What I am doing is trying to work my way rationally through my position and situation in the interests of me. Selfish I know but that is why I am here for some advice. You clearly think I should just dump the bitch. Maybe I should and maybe I will but I have to work through my feelings first. They have been on hold a long time.

 

Compulsivedancer

 

Thanks for your input as well. I acknowledge that this is not a good situation and my revenge affairs were not a good way of dealing with this. All I am saying is that this was my response. I went through all the emotions of the pinned thread 'things that every wayward spouse needs to know'. I did this alone and with no support while projecting a normal life. I am not blaming my wife for what I did. I made those choices for me as a way of dealing with it. I accept responsibility for what I did. I have not once said otherwise because that would be wrong. I may well have completely overreacted but I am not ever going to try and justify myself.

 

Communication is of course a huge problem here. I know that and it's something we both struggle with and always have. Part of the last 2and a half years of my turnaround has involved improving this and trying to be more open. It's not something I naturally find easy but I am working on it constantly.

 

You are right. I should have addressed the issues as they came up but I didn't. This is partly due to the length if time between anything being revealed and the time it took to figure things out.

 

My relationship certainly has underlying problems and I have read far worse stories on here which gives me hope. I am here looking for help to work through this either with her or alone, I just want to find the best path for my future. Like I said, nothing is off the table.

[Untouchable_Fire]

You are right. I should have addressed the issues as they came up but I didn't. This is partly due to the length if time between anything being revealed and the time it took to figure things out.

My relationship certainly has underlying problems and I have read far worse stories on here which gives me hope. I am here looking for help to work through this either with her or alone, I just want to find the best path for my future. Like I said, nothing is off the table.

 

You are seriously a passive aggressive type fellow. I think there is a lot of hope for your marriage, but you two seem extremely disconnected. I highly suggest you do the work to resolve that. The key is intimacy and trust and this issue has been an absolute wedge for too long driving you two apart.

 

I highly suggest doing this in a professional therapy setting.

[Gazza911]

Yet again this is very helpful in helping me understand what's going on with my feelings. I've looked at a few articles on passive aggressive behaviour and I do demonstrate some very strong traits. Again, it explains a lot in how my thought process is working. Interestingly, I also display the complete opposite of some typical traits so I'm being very selective on what suits my mindset. Being honest with myself, these negative traits predate my relationship by many years back to childhood so were present already long before I met her. I think it was a pre existing defence mechanism in my up bringing. I also suffered from periods of depression linked to relationships during my teens. I kept that bottled up as well.

 

We do communicate and are connected but only up to a point. It's like we both have a wall around ourselves. She compartmentalises well but I don't.

 

I'm currently having trouble sleeping because of this. It's probably due to re opening an old wound plus opening myself up on this thread. Like I said I've never put this out in the open and never had anyone I could talk to about it before.

 

Being open here on this thread is going to help in the longer term in what I do next. I need to work through it. Knowing how I have acted in the past though will probably mean that I just build my wall a bit higher. I mentally know that it's not the answer but it doesn't change the fact that's probably what will happen. Throughout my life I have seen friends and colleagues both male and female discuss stuff they wouldn't or can't discuss with their partner. I'm not saying that's right but it does seem to be the norm in many situations.

 

Understanding my feelings is a start but any true openness or confrontation with her is going to end in divorce. Looking at how women on this forum suffer infidelity of their husbands is enough to see that. If I openly start discussing this with her what do I say? ' I'm really troubled by what you did in the past one time several decades ago and by the way, it made me spend 10 years of our marriage banging other women including one of your friends'

 

I really don't think that is the way to go. This is how I came to the conclusion that this isn't about her, its about me and how I handle myself as a man. That's what I've been working on the last 2 and a half years. Now I am at the point in dealing with my feelings on this hence why I am here talking about it.

 

Again, any positive input from anyone is welcome.

[BetrayedH]

You still have cognitive dissonance because your behaviors haven't changed sufficiently. You are still lying to your wife by omission daily. While it's good that you stopped your affairs and have researched affairs, there's still more action to take. It's time to come clean with your wife.

 

Your assertion that coming clean would automatically result in divorce simply isn't backed up by facts. Statistically, about 90% of betrayed wives make an attempt to reconcile (it's about 10% lower for men). A voluntary confession doubles those chances as compared to a discovery (looking at 2 years post-Dday). Your wife won't instantly fall out of love with you and instinctive reactions are typically to try to salvage the marriage and family. And you can do a lot to help her maintain that approach.

 

Beyond being passive aggressive, I see conflict-avoidance as your key problem. You are all talk and little action. You've justified it by saying that this is all about you, not about her. That would be fine if you TOLD her that your affairs are about you. But you haven't. Instead, you have rationalized tricking her into staying in this marriage and thus, avoided the conflict.

 

Look, you know the right thing to do is to come clean and either fix the marriage or divorce. Doing otherwise isn't right by either of you and that's why it still bothers you. But doing the right thing takes courage, which is in short supply with those that engage in affairs. Are you going to change this behavior or keep your cognitive dissonance? If you don't confess, you are cursing both of you with a less than truly intimate marriage. You've come halfway and seem to expect that some incremental openness may be sufficient to solve your problems. Nice try. Didn't work. Time to grow a set of cajones and do what needs to be done. Anything short of that is really just more talk. Get out of this analysis paralysis and confront the conflict that you've been avoiding.

[compulsivedancer]

JJ, my point was that her cheating once at the very beginning of their relationship 29 years ago, and then MAYBE cheating later (but we're not sure because he never actually talked about it with her) does not give him a blank check to run around on her for a decade with multiple women.

 

His choices were to:

A) Talk to her and find out what really happened, then decide whether to get a divorce or reconcile

-or-

B) Get a divorce

[AjisenHi]

OP,

 

You appear to live in your head a lot and must like puzzles but this is a puzzle that has only half the clues. You appear to be writing down your marriage history but NB it is your version of YOUR (as in both you AND your wife's) marriage with little or no imput from her. Therefore, it would be logically only half a story no?

 

A innocent remark can have a tremendous significance to you because you had already prejudged what the context is. An introduction "This is my husband" if it was made to a female nurse/doctor would not be significant unless you knew she swung both ways right? If you had not put your wife already in the Cheater category why would it matter? And after all this time as well.

 

Please also give credit to your wife who has contributed to your long marriage and lovely children for over 2 decades. Perhaps it is time to hear her side of the story before deciding to kick her to the curb. It is a very unilateral move in a marriage which is essentially a partnership. Don't be judge jury and executioner without having a trial first and allowing her to voice her side of the story.

 

Hope it works out for you.

[Gazza911]

Thanks to everyone for all your input on this. I've not been able to respond for a while as I have internet problems in my area due to upgrade work (not much of an upgrade so far)

 

Particular thanks to No Limits and Untouchable Fire. Firstly for pointing me in the direction of Cognitive Dissonance and secondly for highlighting passive aggressive behaviour. It all now makes a lot more sense the reaction i have had. I am definitely guilty of many of the traits of PA behaviour but not all. I can see how my life has been shaped by this behaviour and much of it was defined long before I even met her.

 

To BetrayedH, I am not all talk and no action, I am however very calculating and that holds me back a lot of the time in taking action immediately and in this case, in the best interests of myself and mental state. I actually thrive on competition and have no fear of being alone. Totally non PA traits. Why I haven't walked away or confronted at the time I could not explain. That is what I am trying to unravel. I am far from being a weak man and am not manipulated by her. I just do my own thing. It's definitely a communication problem on both sides.

 

Let say though that I sit down and have this conversation with her and events are as they appear. I have now discounted the hospital incident. She reacts on guilt, due to a troubling and burdening upbringing in an unhappy family, always has and still does. At the time she never displayed any signs of guilt during that period so on balance it's not likely.

 

So let's say we have the conversation and she confirms what I know and is remorseful so I come clean with her and burden her about my multiple affairs and am totally honest with her. The problem is that if I'm totally honest I don't regret what I've done. That makes me a pretty bad person, but is very symptomatic of PA behaviour coupled with the reaction of Cog/ Dis. That's why it makes so much sense. It's a very negative mental combination. That's the part I never understood before. It's a bit of a messed up situation. Disclosure is not nesseceraly going to make it better. That is unless I bale out of the relationship but I don't think I want to do that.

 

AjisenHi, has described my thought process very well. I do tend to pre judge situations. Judge only on part of the information and my view on it. That's another reason why I'm hesitant. Expression of those thoughts almost never happens which in turn leads to bottled up feelings of all sorts. I have always been extremely wary of others and don't let anyone get too close to me. It makes me very reflective rather than expressive. Again, very symptomatic.

 

Just getting this situation written down for the first time down and seeing the responses has been massively unburdening and helpful. It gives me some direction on approach with what to do next. I don't believe that just confronting will change my feelings in the longer term due to the behavioural issues above. They will still be there and need tackling but are in-ground on my psyche. By nature I won't seek help on this but will try to understand them better. At least I've woken up, stopped the affairs and turned around my destructive actions of many years.

[BetrayedH]

So, you say you won't disclose unless you decide you want to bail out of the relationship. Hmm. What if your wife wants to bail out of the relationship? Doesn't she get an informed vote?

[compulsivedancer]

This is asinine. Confess or leave. No bs rationalizations, which is where you are now. If you don't feel any remorse, then you need to get out and live your own life, so she can live hers. You are in a completely unhealthy situation, for both of you.

[Gazza911]

My original post was aimed at finding some solace in my feelings with this long unresolved situation.

Compulsive dancer is simply stating the obvious in a simplistic way as she perceives it from her own reality. That's clear to see. One week ago I posted on here. I had never heard of cog/dess. I had heard of passive aggressiveness but never related it to myself. It's been very enlightening if a bit scary seeing yourself for what you really are. To say that it's just bs rationalisation is your opinion but not mine. I need some time to absorb this and relate it to my past actions.

 

You are just over a year after your dday so it's still very fresh. I am 23 years on and 29 since it supposedly happened. Things get very blurry after that amount of time and jumping for a black or white solution is not so simple with so much shared history. I wish it was but it's not for me. That's my reality.

 

Men and women are jumping in and out of bed with each other all the time. You never really know a persons true history or value even if you think you know everything about them. Anyone on here might have discovered an affair or created an affair and be working through it but it still might not be the truth. Gas lighting is another new term I've learned on here. It's a recipe to trust no one. Everybody has secrets. You have secrets and so do I. It's human nature.

 

I ultimately did something that many people do but never disclose. I got even with her. It did get a bit out of hand but that is why I think I don't regret it. Not a nice thing to do at all, I accept that, but it's a fact. It happened and I've explained why it happened.

 

I actually think that if you put to one side the cycle of disclosure and/or confrontation and divorce, compared to those who stay in a marriage and supposedly work through it. I bet it this happens a lot more often than you would think. Cheaters beware.

 

The question is did it help me as a man in doing what I did. Well, yes and no. From a long term mental point of view it's been draining some of the time. I've gone periods of years without ever thinking about it however a lot of my mental issues were related to other things and this was tangled up within it.

 

On the other hand balance within the relationship was mentally restored to a degree, at least for me. I think my problem with my feelings in this situation occurred because I wish it hadn't happened at all.

 

Some may be horrified by what I'm saying here but I'm just being honest. If I can't presently do it with my wife at least I can on this forum.

[road]

My original post was aimed at finding some solace in my feelings with this long unresolved situation.

Compulsive dancer is simply stating the obvious in a simplistic way as she perceives it from her own reality. That's clear to see. One week ago I posted on here. I had never heard of cog/dess. I had heard of passive aggressiveness but never related it to myself. It's been very enlightening if a bit scary seeing yourself for what you really are. To say that it's just bs rationalisation is your opinion but not mine. I need some time to absorb this and relate it to my past actions.

 

You are just over a year after your dday so it's still very fresh. I am 23 years on and 29 since it supposedly happened. Things get very blurry after that amount of time and jumping for a black or white solution is not so simple with so much shared history. I wish it was but it's not for me. That's my reality.

 

Men and women are jumping in and out of bed with each other all the time. You never really know a persons true history or value even if you think you know everything about them. Anyone on here might have discovered an affair or created an affair and be working through it but it still might not be the truth. Gas lighting is another new term I've learned on here. It's a recipe to trust no one. Everybody has secrets. You have secrets and so do I. It's human nature.

 

I ultimately did something that many people do but never disclose. I got even with her. It did get a bit out of hand but that is why I think I don't regret it. Not a nice thing to do at all, I accept that, but it's a fact. It happened and I've explained why it happened.

 

I actually think that if you put to one side the cycle of disclosure and/or confrontation and divorce, compared to those who stay in a marriage and supposedly work through it. I bet it this happens a lot more often than you would think. Cheaters beware.

 

The question is did it help me as a man in doing what I did. Well, yes and no. From a long term mental point of view it's been draining some of the time. I've gone periods of years without ever thinking about it however a lot of my mental issues were related to other things and this was tangled up within it.

 

On the other hand balance within the relationship was mentally restored to a degree, at least for me. I think my problem with my feelings in this situation occurred because I wish it hadn't happened at all.

 

Some may be horrified by what I'm saying here but I'm just being honest. If I can't presently do it with my wife at least I can on this forum.

 

 

 

You are not even RA's never even the score.

 

 

Time to man up and get the truth from your WW and for you to give the truth to your WW.

 

 

Last point 78% of marriages survive affairs. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[Gazza911]

Ok. I've got the point.

 

What I've described in these threads is how I felt, how it affected me and the actions I took. It's all historic and I'm not seeking justification or anything. I'm just getting it all out for the first time ever.

 

It's great having sites like this to air your thoughts openly, but back then, when this started there were no computers or internet. There was nobody to turn to but myself and i fckd it up from the start.

 

I hear what contributors are saying.