Feel Frustrated As Ex is Completely Moved On Within Three Weeks

[TCD23]

I don't usually do this but I thought I'd do it on here cause this is literally driving me mad.

 

Basically I'm a student at University in my second year and ever since about a month in, I went out with this girl. We even moved in together after our supposed friend left us out in the high and dry. However in this relationship there were massive problems, we had almost contact arguments and I honestly tried my best to stop them.

 

However there was always one standard for her and one standard for me with everything and she was almost constantly ill which put even more strain on me as a person. Not a serious illness but a hard illness combined with her depression made it so tough on me. I don't want to sound mean but I now realise that she was emotionally abusive, I gave up interests to suit her, I felt afraid to voice my own opinion and I felt emasculated completely. I got very angry all the time out of her refusal to change or even compromise and I admit I shouted but I was under so much stress. I've gained about a stone and a half in eight months and I've always been a healthy guy.

 

She was also a Lesbian who was raped at one point and she claims that I'm the only guy she'd ever felt interested in (this is true). I note this so you're not confused when I talk about her with other girls. She also took my virginity. I've had two other GF'S with sexual contact but she was the first.

 

It all came to a head when I had tried to get her to get help relating to her rape and she carried on with her self-physical abuse and making me out like the bad guy. I just couldn't cope anymore and I had to leave otherwise I would snap.

 

She cried and that and told me I was the one constant and that she had secretly started therapy the week before and that I was leaving her out to dry. I told her that it was making both of us unhappy and I couldn't deal with it anymore. But I would always be there for her as a friend to help deal with the rape and that. I was the first person she ever told about the rape.

 

Luckily I found another apartment and we managed to get that sorted out.

 

This is where it gets bad:

 

Basically I decided to start again, start reaching out to friends and go cinema and get healthy again. However, you must know that I go to a highly technical course, there's only thirteen of us on the course including me and my ex and there's only two societies - an LGBT society and a Christian society neither of which appeal to me. Most people don't like me and so I only have limited opportunisties to get out with the few guys (those who left us in the high and dry originally) to the cinema but they either have GF's or aren't interested in that sort of thing e.g. meeting girls and that.

 

Now what's driving me mad is that my ex is completely moved on. I'm from a foreign nation so I don't know anybody here, but she's from a town two hours away and so she's got all her friends and she's constantly out and about, at clubs, at cinema's and so on. What's hurt the most however is that I found out about three days after we broke up she slept with a girl as a rebound and now she's dating another girl.

 

What makes it bad is that she always said that she believed that she would have a little bit that loved me and I disagreed at the time. Turns out that I was correct as she says she hates me as a person and that nobody likes me. In fact she didn't love me at all, she just fooled herself into believing it. Even worse she says she's told other people about the rape and is fine with it and that she faked every orgasm other the past month or two. I feel so hurt I was so angry at the guy who done it and wanted her to get help but now she's fine with it. Just so much pain for nothing for me.

 

It hurts to find out that all she said was BS and even worse that she's actually said she never thought she could be so happy and that I made her the unhappiest ever. I done something stupid after we spent all night talking about how we felt and she told me all the things about how she hates me and I'm evil and nobody likes me. In fact it was me was the reason the guys refused to move in with us despite prior agreeing. At the end it all calmed down and for some insane reason I thought I would give her a peck on the lips. She just went off ASAP and I felt like an idiot.

 

The weird thing is that I feel freer than I've ever been for a long time and I'm honestly not attracted to her in anyway, I have no idea what I was thinking. I guess that several drinks and staying up to eight in the morning might have had something to do with it.

 

I just write here to seek advice; I feel I'm fat, stupid and ugly and that nobody will love me again. People look at me like I'm a freak. I honestly just want to cry with frustration because she made me a man I never wanted to be for so long and haven't been for a long time. She's just completely moved on easily in three weeks despite saying that she never would and would be sad and furthermore all the problems that she cried and self-harmed about are now solved. Apparently I was the reason she was sad about the rape and I caused her and everybody else nothing but unhappiness.

 

Does anybody have any advice of how I could get over this frustration? I don't want her back and I think that I just miss having a GF not her. To be honest I feel mad with jealously that she could get over it in a matter of days, bounce back and honestly not give a **** despite telling me that she would in the past and making such a big deal out of it and changing my view to that of hers e.g. you always love somebody yet when it came down to it, she didn't feel that way at all. You may not want to be with them like I don't but you still care a bit.

 

I know I've made stupid mistakes in dealing with this and I feel like hitting myself over how dumb I've been. I just feel so desolate. I always said I wanted to get out with her and visit places and do things but she never wanted to do them yet now she blames me for holding her back. If I had ever showed any signs I would understand but I literally said she should get friends, go out and have a hell of a time, not always with me. I feel I wasted a year of my life for nothing, having my heart and soul demanded of me for everything and now she's moved on completely. I do feel free but it just hurts to see her so at ease with the whole thing when compared with the melodrama that ensued before.

 

I have started making steps. I go to the gym again (I've lost three pounds) and I have started going back out with some guys. But it still drives me and I don't want to feel this at all.

 

Any words for me?

Edited February 15, 2014 by TCD23

[smuggy95]

she sounds like she has issues. It is not your fault. Forget her...don't try to seek answers. Make friends and focus on working out for now. Those two things will lead you to more confidence and a new life and new memories free from her.

[ravssss]

Forget her ...

 

just cut her off even if she calls or nething ..take this as a rebirth and it'll be fine ... just keep going with the flow and plan ur days better that u keep urself busy from all these thoughts ...

[brokenheart12345]

Guess what? Your situation sounds a lot like mine. My boyfriend suffers from depression and that became his whole identity - all of his mistakes and troubles were attributed to depression and "depression is something he can't help" was something that I constantly heard. He was constantly feeling terrible and negative and I am a positive person, so it sucked. You're really better off without her and I know that you know that as well. It's just hurtful that she was such a terrible person who basically went to the dark side of being selfish and decided not to respect you. My ex boyfriend did the exact same thing - he's in a relationship almost immediately after breaking up with me. The best thing to do is to get in the best shape of your life - academics, socially, and health-wise. You need to look great, feel great, and regain the confidence you once had. She's suffering from depression and stuff so she'll always be feeling crappy. She might be looking for someone to commiserate with, but ultimately people like to be with positive people, not negative, so she's going to realize she missed out. If you work on yourself - use social media to your advantage. For now, don't friend her, but make your posts public. Have pics of you getting in shape, with other girls, going out with the guys and be happy! She'll definitely keep checking in on your progress. She'll mentally be like, "Whatever, I have someone else right now, so I'm better" but deep down, she won't believe that. The greatest thing you can do is be patient - you will be rewarded. Withdraw from her life, focus on yours, work hard to be a better person and grow. That day will come when she will come contacting you again. Better yet, when her rebound ends, contact her to see how she's doing. Be there for her. She will naturally ask for you back and that's when you can drop her on her ass and be like, "Here's what you did to me with your ****ty selfish behavior". Being rejected by the rebound as well as you will put her in a worse position than you are right now and you'll already be ahead of your game. Be patient and you will get your revenge and it will feel great

[Downtown]

All the problems that she cried and self-harmed about are now solved.

TCD, did her self-harming involve injuries like cutting her arms or hitting herself in the head? Also, did she experience abuse or abandonment in early childhood? I ask because cutting and, to a lesser extent, childhood abuse are warning signs for a well-known personality disorder.

[TCD23]

TCD, did her self-harming involve injuries like cutting her arms or hitting herself in the head? Also, did she experience abuse or abandonment in early childhood? I ask because cutting and, to a lesser extent, childhood abuse are warning signs for a well-known personality disorder.

 

Hey. Yes she did cut/hit her head although she claims that it was to get away from me. How did you know ? I would like to hear :-)

 

She had a real happy childhood actually.

 

And thanks everyone for your advice. I was in a real dark place on the day I posted this but truth be told I feel so happy today and I'm real positive. Ultimately I've realised that she's trying to hurt me, she brought up two things that she asks her friends not to talk loud when they walk near my door and secondly she told me her new lover doesn't like Bruce Springsteen. I lvr him so you know what it's sad really cause she obviously is still concerned with me because let's be honest who cares if your ex hears you.

 

I got rid of all her presents, I've lost six pounds and I'm back out with the guys with ideas. My theory is that because I never mourned the relationship after I ended it for two weeks cause I felt so free it hit me like a ton of bricks because if pent it up. Only natural but now I believe I've purged myself of all the negativity. My confidence is back up and for the first time ever I'm making small talk with strangers.

 

Thank you all or your kind words and if she wants to sleep with very thing in sight then that's fine, I'm going to focus on being confident , healthy and a nice guy for the first time.

 

Also I've deleted but not blocked her, I have no intention o even pretending that I want her to know and hell I'm my going to approach her, she's so beneath me it's like talking to an ant or something.

[Downtown]

Yes she did cut/hit her head ...How did you know ? I would like to hear :-)

TCD, you were describing some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) -- e.g., the controlling behavior, rapid flips between loving and hating you, verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, and her having one set of rules for herself and another for everyone else. Significantly, self-mutilating behavior (like cutting and head banging) is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. Cutting therefore is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 study of self-mutilators, for example, concluded that "the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder." See Understanding those who se... [J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004] - PubMed - NCBI.

 

I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, which is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder." We all have BPD traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits those traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. Moreover, only a professional can determine whether her traits are so severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. You nonetheless are capable of learning how to spot these warning signs -- in order to avoid repeating a toxic relationship with someone else -- if you take a little time to learn what red flags to look for.

Turns out that I was correct as she says she hates me as a person and that nobody likes me. In fact she didn't love me at all, she just fooled herself into believing it....and that she faked every orgasm other the past month or two.

Perhaps you are correct about her never having loved you and having faked all her orgasms. Yet, if she really does have strong BPD traits, it would be a mistake to jump to that conclusion. It is common for BPDers to "rewrite history" in their minds. Because they cannot tolerate mixed feelings, ambiguities, or uncertainties in interpersonal relationships, they generally "split off" the conflicting feelings when they have an intense feeling about you.

 

Hence, when a BPDer becomes angry with you, she will put her loving feelings about you completely out of touch of her conscious mind, i.e., she will split off that part of her mind. This is called "splitting you black" because, whenever they are stressed, BPDers immediately revert to black-white thinking -- wherein everyone is categorized as "all good" (white) or "all bad" (black). If you are interested, I describe this splitting -- together with other BPD warning signs -- in Rebel's thread, starting at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings several bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, TCD.