Is it possible to get my ex back?

[throwaway1911]

Hello. I'm new to the website and I have come here looking for advice.

 

So here's my story.

 

My ex and I were together for a year. We had a mutual breakup because she wanted it, and I gave her what she wanted because I cared about her so much. We were both each others first real boyfriend and girlfriend. She told me that she never liked anyone as much as she liked me. We even gave each other our first real kisses. For about 7 months our relationship was great. We never fought, and we just had so much fun together.

 

A little after those 7 months, things started getting weird. She started seeming distant and we didn't talk as much. I have a bad problem with over thinking about things, so I would always text her and ask her things like "Do you still like me?" or "Are you talking to any other guys?" Which was really obsessive and non-trusting. To go along with not talking that much anymore, we also stopped seeing each other as much. This made me really paranoid so I would always text her and ask to see her, and she would always be busy and I'd get kind of irritated.

 

Eventually we both went to our first prom together, and it was awkward. We didn't really say much to each other but we still managed to have a fun time. After that, things got worse.

 

We stopped talking to each other even more. Most days I would text her once a day to tell her goodnight and that's it. Some days I would get so paranoid and randomly text her and just talk about the relationship. I wouldn't talk about anything else because I was so afraid of losing her. I even told her I was afraid of that early on in the relationship. Whenever I tried to talk about things, she would always get annoyed and not want to talk about it. She really doesn't like to talk about her feelings, so I would always try my hardest to stray away from talking about her feelings.

 

When my graduation came around, I had a graduation part the day of, and she told me she was going to come to it, but last minute she wanted to go out to eat with her best friends family, so I let her. I also let her do this on my birthday and Valentines day.

 

Then the summer came around and one night we were texting and I brought up our relationship again (who would have guessed?) and we had a real talk. She told me that she didn't know what it was about our relationship. She didn't know if she didn't like me much anymore, or if it was just because it was the summer time and she wanted to be with her family. So that pushed me to call her that night, and we talked about our relationship and she wasn't that talkative. It was me doing all of the talking pretty much. Anyway, she said that things just didn't feel the same and I told her to just relax and have fun with our relationship. I managed to save my relationship for the time being.

 

A couple months later my brother got married. I invited my her to the wedding months before, and she told me she would go with me. A couple weeks before the wedding, she told me that she didn't want to go anymore. She said she didn't wanna go mainly because she wouldn't know anyone there. So of course, I didn't make her go. I was honestly kind of upset that she didn't go.

 

At this point I was really freaking out because I could see my relationship coming to an end. I got A LOT more clingy and obsessive to try to prevent from losing her, which had the opposite effect.

 

Then randomly one day, I went to the mall with my friend and bought her a necklace I knew she would like for our anniversary coming up. A couple days later I paid her a surprise visit at her house and she was so happy to see me. It was like there was no tension or anything. She absolutely loved the necklace. I asked her again about our relationship and she told me that we were fine and she told me that she was just going through a phase and for me to be patient. So I became less paranoid.

 

Then it started happening again. She became very distant and we didn't talk that much.

 

About a month later I was long boarding with one of my friends close to her house, and I decided to jump in my car and go surprise her. I told my friend i wouldn't be long. Turns out, I was there for nearly 2 hours. She didn't seem happy to see me at all, so I completely was just straight forward with her and we talked again, and she told me things were different, and that she didn't want me to wait for something that wasn't going to happen. I said everything I could to try and save our relationship. Near the end I finally just gave up and just asked her "Well what do YOU want?" And she wanted to break up, so we did. Before I left, I had a tear running down my face, and she did, too. I gave her one last hug before I left, and I told her not to forget me, and she said she would never.

 

Later that night I sent her one final text telling her I was sorry about how things ended. She told me she was sorry, too and that it was for the best. She also said I was an amazing boyfriend.

 

This is where things get bad. After that text I went about 4 months straight without saying a single word to her. And she didn't try to contact me either.

 

One night I got curious and wanted to text her so I did. Note: I had to use a fake number because anytime I would text her normally, I would ALWAYS be ignored. So after texting her with the fake number she guessed it was me and we had a talk. She was VERY cold to me. All she could say to me was that she had moved on and for me to move on and that we weren't good together. I spilled my guts to her and it's like she didn't hear a single thing I said. In the conversation she told me that one of the things she didn't like about me was that I was always hard on my self, so I had that in mind at the end of the conversation. Finally, I got really irritated with her and grew a backbone and sent her a really stern text saying things like "I'm tired of being treated like I never meant anything to you." I told her not to text back after that because it would only piss me off.

 

The next day, she posted a picture on Instagram where she had burnt all of my notes that I wrote her when we first started dating. The caption was "Burning bad memories." I got really upset and felt really guilty so I texted her once again. She told me that she was done with all of this and that I made her feel guilty from that text. And once again she told me that I needed to move on. She also told me that she didn't want to talk to me anymore in general. I asked her to remove the picture in a comment, and she blocked me on Instagram. So, I haven't talked to her since. which was 3 months ago.

 

About a month after burning my notes, she posted a picture on Instagram of a tree, and the caption was "Why is it so easy to miss you?" So I kinda freaked out because I thought she was talking about someone. Eventually I realized that she wasn't talking about another guy. She was talking about ME. She actually missed me. And I'm pretty sure she didn't like missing me. But, I didn't do anything about it.

 

Now present day, she still won't talk to me, and she thinks I'm the worst person ever all because I tried to save my relationship when it was coming to an end. She told her best friend that I never gave her any space and that I was clingy and obsessive and that it was creepy.

 

I always miss her and feel stressed and nervous. I dream about her most nights which causes me to be afraid of going to sleep. I wrote her a letter and I'm thinking about sending it in the next couple of days, but I'm not sure, which is why I'm here.

 

So can someone (preferably a female) tell me what's going on in my ex's head? Why does she resent me so much after she said I was an amazing boyfriend?

Is this letter a good idea or should I wait a little longer?

[Kizza]

You started out as an amazing boyfriend until you got paranoid, obsessive, jealous and unbearable to the point where she questioned her continued involvement with you. You did not make breaking up very easy on her and she resents you for it.

 

 

She may miss you from those good times that once was but I'll bet she doesn't miss all the negative things you brought in to the relationship and what happened at the end.

 

 

She is clearly done with your relationship, it wore her down and she just wants to be happy.

 

 

This partnership went up in flames a long time ago and you need to move on. You also need to learn from the mistakes you made with her that pushed her away in order not to repeat the same with your next relationship.

[Musing]

Unfortunately I, nor anyone here, know what's going on in your ex's mind; female or not.

 

But since you wanted input: The first time I broke up with someone was my first relationship of 2 years, because I wanted to see what else was out there.

Truth be told, I associated my ex with responsibility and a commitment and a touch of clinginess that I wasn't ready for and resented him for it. So when he talked to me (granted it was much sooner than you contacted your ex) I just wanted to be left alone to my own devices, become my independent self again (since I was single up until I met him) I wanted to go back to "normal" again, or have freedom, space etc. Whenever I had an ex (dumpee) reach out to me within 4-6 months, I'd get kind of irritated because I left them for a reason, and wanted to be by myself. The "dust" of the breakup hadn't settled for me, and I wanted to break away from them. I can't really explain the feeling but it wasn't a pretty one.

 

Clinginess and obsessiveness just made them incredibly annoying and a hassle to deal with. If this was a problem in your relationship I HIGHLY recommend you nip it in the bud before you enter a new relationship. It's a killer for sure and most clingy gestures are far from romantic in a female's eyes.

 

Chances are, since this is your ex's first real relationship, the honeymoon/lovey dovey phase wore off around the 7 month mark and she had no idea what she was doing from there. Those feelings are a lot like training wheels for loving someone: they are like the incentive to really get to know someone and spend time with them. Once that feeling wears off, its up to the person if they feel they like their partner without that "incentive". First relationships almost always falter around this time, and a lot don't make it.

 

When you text your ex she responded coldly because the last impression she had of you was you liking her and being needy. Even if you were over it, she'd still feel pretty apprehensive letting you in because she probably didn't want to lead you on or have to deal with drama from the past. So when you lashed back, in her mind (from what you say here and my won experiences) she was probably doing okay and then you come out of nowhere and incite stuff with her and claim her feelings were untue, which just pissed her off more in the process.

Plus she was actively trying to avoid you, which was your first sign to stop trying.

 

As for your title, I'd move on. Maybe one day things could work out but honestly, I wouldn't pine or wait around because it is unlikely it would happen.

Let things cool down for a long while before you try to enter her life again. I'm not talking a few months, I'm talking like a year or so. Until then, don't talk to her, don't look at her instagram/FB, and just focus on you.

 

Bonus: Never take what an ex says during a breakup too seriously. Chances are, they are either A)softening the blow, B) relieving their own guilt, or C) they change their mind over the course of not speaking to you. People and their perceptions change.

Edited February 15, 2014 by Musing

[Sandy99]

Ask yourself why you would want to be with a girl like this. She doesn't know what she wants. Her moods are changing all the time. She sounds unstable. I can see why she made you feel very insecure, but she's just going to keep doing that to you. This is very much a situation where you need to not send any letters. You need to step back and as painful as it may be you need to stay away from this girl. She sounds like the type of person that if she wants you at some point in time that she will contact you. But for now I would keep far, far away from her for your own sanity. Hang out with your friends, disconnect Instagram and try as hard as you can to relax. This girl sounds like a lot of trouble and she'll probably drive you crazy if you let her. Read a book or watch a movie, but don't contact her. She will most likely just make you feel much, much worse if you try to make contact. Good luck.