Popsicle Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 I say go back a reread your old threads to be reminded of why he did what he did. It's really pointless to contact him to say "hey, it's really f-ed up that you didn't chase me". 1
Snipercatt Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 I dont want to look weak and i wouldnt try to show that i am. Contacting him won't "make" you look weak, it will prove it. There's no "playing off" proof, ya know? Regardless how it goes, you WILL feel weak after contacting him. I also want to tell him how F'd up it was not to respond Are you fawking kidding? YOU asked for NC!! You're just making up excuses now (not reasons). Whatever you do, don't tell him how fawked up it was not to respond or you'll look weak AND crazy! 1
BrokenPrincess Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 (edited) I'm a MOW & like you, my xMM broke it off via email. He signed it "Goodbye." I never responded either. If someone breaks up with you, what else is there to say?! Edited February 15, 2014 by BrokenPrincess Typos 2
JenniferTucker Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 You should change your name to Willnotlook. Your actions or thoughts are of a person who is not "wasn't" looking to who is looking for answers to a void that is needing filled. I have been where you are with a male and I humiliated myself in looking for answers from this male who wanted nothing further from me than a brief moment in the bedroom. He ignored calls and texts and I did the only thing I could do, I tossed my phone and got a new one so "I" had no way to contact him. If he cared at all he would have found me. He didn't and that is the only answer I need. Please think about this, your state of mind appears fragile to me and you need to get that needle of the record of repeat and move your thought process to you and you only 1
Author wasntlooking Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Im glad i started this thread...i knew it would talk me out of it but i cant rule myself completely out that i wont do it. What drives me nuts and im so not full of myself but i get a lot of male attention from males i see everyday and some have made it clear that they would go further but im still obsessing over my XMMs thoughts and he is long distance. I just dont know why i have to obsess over him. And believe you me, id never act on anyone elses feelinhs for me again unless i was free and they were too.....this is just craziness and wish i could erase it all. I mean ive had break ups before i was married so why is this one so much harder, it didnt take this long to get over the others. I really just want to be able to move on. I have such a great life. Great people, friends, job, kids, H, am well respected, liked, so why is this so hard for me
Author wasntlooking Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Ive got a contact to start IC also. This madness needs to end. I so want my life back.
RickFox Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Omg really? You want to hear from him that the door is closed so you want to open it right back up. YOU CLOSED THE DOOR HE KEPT IT SHUT!! That's it, it's over, he doesn't care, it was no big deal to him. You say you want answers but if you look deep down you know what you really want and you hope he tells you he misses you and loves you and all that crap. You can deny it here but you can't deny it to yourself, many of us have been where you are, we know.... You can't work on your marriage because you still have the om on a pedestal and you value why he didn't respond far more than you desire to work on your marriage. YOU control it all and yet you are willing to show this guy how weak you are and then he well know you will always come crawling back no matter what. For your sake, I hope you close the door before deciding to re open it 6
Author wasntlooking Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Rick fox You always seem to tell it how it is in a nice way. I appreciate your thoughts tremendously. Im hoping this thread helps others too that are like me right now.
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Im glad i started this thread...i knew it would talk me out of it but i cant rule myself completely out that i wont do it. What drives me nuts and im so not full of myself but i get a lot of male attention from males i see everyday and some have made it clear that they would go further but im still obsessing over my XMMs thoughts and he is long distance. I just dont know why i have to obsess over him. And believe you me, id never act on anyone elses feelinhs for me again unless i was free and they were too.....this is just craziness and wish i could erase it all. I mean ive had break ups before i was married so why is this one so much harder, it didnt take this long to get over the others. I really just want to be able to move on. I have such a great life. Great people, friends, job, kids, H, am well respected, liked, so why is this so hard for me I think the fantasy of who you *think* he is, how he made you feel vs reality of who he actually is part of this more than you realize. You assumed you'd hear from him after ending your A with him, but you didn't. It hurts I'm sure to feel disregarded, like you meant nothing. But the thing is, you both are married and you gave him an out, he took it and slammed the door (aka not replying). I know you want to hear his reaction to the email, or maybe you wanted him to chase you, tell you not to end it. The thing is, what if HE was ready to end it but couldn't? You made it easier and he ran with it. That's one senario. Make your own ending here, your own story - Your own truth because at the end of the day, that's what counts. Do counseling, fix that open hole for him in your heart and then take time to ask yourself if you want to save your marriage or would it be best to separate/divorce. To continue to stay in your marriage as you are now, nothing is getting solved and it'll only get worse. 1
RickFox Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Rick fox You always seem to tell it how it is in a nice way. I appreciate your thoughts tremendously. Im hoping this thread helps others too that are like me right now. Look, I've been there...wanting answers, hoping, wishing I mattered. I go through ups and downs, weak points and I reached out....and NOTHING good came from it. It just screwed me up some more. You want more than answers, you want contact and value and feeling....don't. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Im glad i started this thread...i knew it would talk me out of it but i cant rule myself completely out that i wont do it. What drives me nuts and im so not full of myself but i get a lot of male attention from males i see everyday and some have made it clear that they would go further but im still obsessing over my XMMs thoughts and he is long distance. I just dont know why i have to obsess over him. And believe you me, id never act on anyone elses feelinhs for me again unless i was free and they were too.....this is just craziness and wish i could erase it all. I mean ive had break ups before i was married so why is this one so much harder, it didnt take this long to get over the others. I really just want to be able to move on. I have such a great life. Great people, friends, job, kids, H, am well respected, liked, so why is this so hard for me You say you will never act on anyone else's feelings again. Yet, here you are. Acting/focused on his response to NC. What would be the absolutely most hurtful thing he could say to you? What would make you turn your back on it all and say FU and the horse you rode in on! Whatever that is ^, write that in the response portion of the email on his behalf. There is your closure, the end of the line, line in the sand, end of your rope.....done. Nothing to revisit....simply a bridge too far. The End.
Author wasntlooking Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 Gosh im really screwing up a good thing i have here at home. I have an awesome H who is doing all he can to make me feel special. I really messed up here. Im glad i started this thread. I want to make a vow to myself that from right now forward, im going to do everything i can to move on. Im goijg to lose a really good thing over a stupid mistake. Thanks all for commenting. I feel better already. 1
RickFox Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Gosh im really screwing up a good thing i have here at home. I have an awesome H who is doing all he can to make me feel special. I really messed up here. Im glad i started this thread. I want to make a vow to myself that from right now forward, im going to do everything i can to move on. Im goijg to lose a really good thing over a stupid mistake. Thafornks all for commenting. I feel better already. You need to understand you will have times of weakness but that does not mean it's okay to give in. Just the other day I saw my xmw walking into the school, it triggered everything. I wanted to reach out once again, but she already showed me how little I meant way back when.....why bother now.....I don't like hurting myself so I got a grip and pressed forward. Ruin your life for someone who won't ruin theirs for you or stay with someone who has loved you for as long as your H has. Choice is yours. Addiction is a b°tch, ain't it 5
txgrl Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 We want more than answers sometimes, we want CONTACT. So what if I said don't contact me , I feel too guilty , surely, he loves and misses me so bad he will say something ...NOT! 2
Turtleshell Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 From someone who has broken NC in search of answers, I would urge you NOT to do this. Imagine how worse you will feel if you break NC and he doesn't respond at all. All your hard work will have been for nothing. I broke it after around six weeks, looking for closure, for answers. The minute I sent the text I regretted it and wished I hadn't. I waited a gruelling 24 hours for a reply, which simply said "I don't know why I treat you this way" He also took this as I wanted to resume the A, which I did not, and then bombarded me with texts. So I had to break the whole thing off again, and start over from scratch. He treated me like dirt sometimes, and I will never know why, but I now take that as my closure. Sometimes closure comes from not having any closure 1
XenoMouse Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 im gonna jump on the bandwagon here and also say don't contact him. What you're basically saying to him is...round 2? and if not to him your looking in the mirror and saying...round 2?..to the whole mess. Also you said previously that he's not very good at expressing his feelings. Sooo is he gonna just open up to you after 5 months of silence and spill everything? Also as i remember he did respond to you, it just wasn't the respond you wanted or understood at the time. If you truly want to work on your marriage then obviously you shouldn't contact him because the rush of feelings your going to get when he responds is gonna send any thoughts left for your H and M right out the window. When i was hooking up with me xAP she would do the same thing, break up and then come back asking why i didnt contact her and why does she have to feel like she's crawling back and chances are your gonna get the same answer i always gave which was "ummm cause thats what you asked for" . So whats the point of jumping into a mess for that. Ultimately your gonna want to know if he was struggling the way you are and then your gonna enjoy the familiarity of talking to him again and then its just gonna flow right back into it... 3
Author wasntlooking Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 (edited) So i had a weak moment today. Long story short, had a brief LDR A, i chose to do NC five months ago, have been sticking to it. Today i logged on to the game XMM and I used to play and he took himself off in early january so i csnt seehis name anymore but today i found out he still logs on because he declined an invite i sent him under an older name i had. Ihe doesnt know that was me he declined today. I still have my real name too but just dont play anymore. So when we were in a brief lull while in the A i sent him an invite under this name that he doesnt know its me, and thats the one he declined today. So even though we csnt see when each other is on anymore i knew he was on today. I so wanted to reach out. I didnt. So now that part of me is wondering if hes looking for a message from me. This was the main way we communicated and i blocked my email so he cant email me anymore. Now i always initiated contact durng A because he was afraid of getting me in trouble so i know if we were ever going to talk again, it would be by my move. But now i just wonder if he is thinking of me, i cant imagine him not thinking of me while playing this gsme because that was our thing. I also created this other name because i was trying to test him to see if hed take a bait if i said i was a pretty yong lady but obviously he wasnt interested in talking to that fake person because he declined. A good sign though. Urgh, i miss him so much Edited February 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and merge with similar topic
herself Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I know how you feel, so torn to give up all the months you were able to stay NC, but desperate for closure & wish he would be the one to reach out. I feel he will one day down the road. Until then, I think you can just try to hold on, get stronger,I can tell you in the very light contact I had this week with my XEAP, it hasnt helped give clarity, he has said nothing about the whys and where did that love go. Keeps saying I care about you, always have, always will....doesnt matter. I care too but, we can't work on as a couple so what? Our ONLY option is friendship but who knows if we can make it. If I can back up, I would have stayed NC. I read someone say see him as the attempted murderer of your heart....yep....pretty much. I support whatever you do. Hugs.
snappytomcat Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I really hope you don't,you will get your heart broken once again,never go back always move forward I wish you the best of luck!!!!!
FoolishOW Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 I know this will sound somewhat crazy in light of every single response you've gotten telling you not to contact him. Typically I agree when you're in a process of NC, but this time I say... "Get it over with, and move on already". Here's why... 1) It's been 5 months, and honestly, your healing doesn't quite sound like it's 5 months out. Maybe you do need a jolt of reality, either through another "no reply" from him, or possibly something less friendly. Email him once, short and sweet and be done with it! 2) You want to know what he's feeling at this point so badly that it's skewing all the rest of your thoughts. Email him once, short and sweet, and be done with it! 3) You've already been told every negative result that could occur, and still have a deep down need to know what's in his head, all these months later and you won't let it go. Email him once, short and sweet, and be done with it! The rules of NC are in place to provide what most would consider to be the best outcome, but like anything else, it can't always be "One size fits all". You want permission to contact him because you think it will put you out of your misery? Here's your one shot... permission granted! Do it already!!And here's the caveat... Once and done, you don't get to beg for a another contact with him again. Good luck, I hope the result, regardless of what it is, is what you need it to be!
FoolishOW Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Just wanted to add... if my above reply sounds like I'm judging or b*tching at you, I'm not. I sincerely think, in your case, you need to do what your gut is telling you to do. You'll have no choice but to move on, and his reply, or lack there of, may show you, in more ways than one, that you actually have mad e progress. I do wish you the best! 1
waterwoman Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Hi BS (and a sort of WS many many years ago) here. On dday H texted OW to tell her it was over as I had seen their texts. After that he told me it was so painful that she wouldn't even look at him at work. He seemed to think they could stay as friends in some way. She clearly was more sensible than he was. Until she left her H a months or so later, and then all of a sudden she thought he would be available again..... he wasn't. I can only imagine it must have hurt her immensely. 20 years ago when I left work to get away from my OM, I was so broken up even though I had made the decision and I know he'd have responded if I had given him any encouragement. That was the days before FB and before eveyone had mobiles. It hurt hurt hurt to lose him.....but my goodness it was easier to stick to your decision when contacting someone was so much more effort. Pretend there is no such thing as FB, twitter, email,... pretend we are back in the early 90s. Let it go. I would like to know the meaning of life, I would like to know if there is intelligent life anywhere else in the universe ('cos there's bugger all here on earth'), I would like to know if my children are going to have happy long lives..... but I can't. Tell yourself that you CAN'T know anything more about him and his marriage and what your affair meant, it's not possible. And let it go. xx 1
FoolishOW Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Hi BS (and a sort of WS many many years ago) here. On dday H texted OW to tell her it was over as I had seen their texts. After that he told me it was so painful that she wouldn't even look at him at work. He seemed to think they could stay as friends in some way. She clearly was more sensible than he was. Until she left her H a months or so later, and then all of a sudden she thought he would be available again..... he wasn't. I can only imagine it must have hurt her immensely. 20 years ago when I left work to get away from my OM, I was so broken up even though I had made the decision and I know he'd have responded if I had given him any encouragement. That was the days before FB and before eveyone had mobiles. It hurt hurt hurt to lose him.....but my goodness it was easier to stick to your decision when contacting someone was so much more effort. Pretend there is no such thing as FB, twitter, email,... pretend we are back in the early 90s. Let it go. I would like to know the meaning of life, I would like to know if there is intelligent life anywhere else in the universe ('cos there's bugger all here on earth'), I would like to know if my children are going to have happy long lives..... but I can't. Tell yourself that you CAN'T know anything more about him and his marriage and what your affair meant, it's not possible. And let it go. xx Waterwoman... your responses are always so wise and kind. Just wanted to tell you my thought.
waterwoman Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Waterwoman... your responses are always so wise and kind. Just wanted to tell you my thought. Thank you, what a lovely thing to say xx 1
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