wasntlooking Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Ok so i know its not the right thing to break Nc. I started if five months ago. What i cant just not get over is how he could not respond to my break up email. I just cant get over it and ive been reading all the advice. I dont want to ask him to restart anything, im really over that, i just NEED to know what he ws thinking. Even if he came out and said that he was using me, sure itll hurt but at least i know. I just have to know.
sweet_pea Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Don't. You asked for NC, stick to it. I think that you want to break it because him not responding to you bruised your ego. Why do you need to know what he is thinking? What is the reason? How will it help you move on to know? He is doing exactly what you asked-- upholding NC, so why risk it and break it? 2
Author wasntlooking Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 I get it.....not sure wht i have to know but i dont care if he says he used me or even if he doesnr respond again, i understand the bad ways it can go and prepare myself for it. I just really feel like i cant move on without an explanation
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Ok so i know its not the right thing to break Nc. I started if five months ago. What i cant just not get over is how he could not respond to my break up email. I just cant get over it and ive been reading all the advice. I dont want to ask him to restart anything, im really over that, i just NEED to know what he ws thinking. Even if he came out and said that he was using me, sure itll hurt but at least i know. I just have to know. Since he didn't respond to your break up email and it's been 5 months of NC already, chances are, he isn't going to respond you. For all you know he could have blocked you or changed your number. If you reach out and get silence back, it's only going to make you feel worse. His silence was how he chose to walk away from your break up email. He did what was easiest and best for him. He chose not to react and move on. I am sorry that you're hurting and can't find peace yet. The thing is, you may never find out what was going through this head - At some point in time (let's say you do email and he doesn't reply back) you'll have to accept you'll never know why. Maybe on some level it's best that you don't know? This way you can write your own ending and make your closure based on what you DO know. Hope this helps. Stay strong.
Author wasntlooking Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Part of it may be ego, but i am not tooting my horn at all but i get attention from males everyday but none of it matters to me. He just matters to me. I csn get my ego stroked anyday but i just need an explanation
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Part of it may be ego, but i am not tooting my horn at all but i get attention from males everyday but none of it matters to me. He just matters to me. I csn get my ego stroked anyday but i just need an explanation If you get the answer(s) from him, would that really be enough for you to let go and move on? Or would that just open the door to future contact and more feelings being fed? Not all want to give explanations, and maybe in his mind, he feels he doesn't owe you one since you broke off the A in an email.
Author wasntlooking Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Whichway ive already played out the scenarios in my head and know theres a good chance of me being hurt but even if he doesnt respond, then i know and feel like i can move on. I just need something
Author wasntlooking Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Were long distance and all we did was communicate through email though
Author wasntlooking Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 And i may be cmpletely wrong and ive read enough here but i really dont want the A back. I just want an answer
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 And i may be cmpletely wrong and ive read enough here but i really dont want the A back. I just want an answer I get that, you want this to help you make sense of it all, so you can make peace and hopefully really let go once and for all. Sadly though, you probably won't get your answer. You may never know his truth or reasons. It sucks but it's the way it is. I suggest you keep venting, write him letters but do not send them. Then burn the letters... And then if you can, please try to make yourself a promise? To let go. Make yourself not care and distract yourself as much as possible so you'll think of this less and less as time goes on. Do NC in your head too. I would hate to read in another 5-6 months this is still a huge issue that you can't let go of. 1
Author wasntlooking Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Yeah ive done the letters and never send them thing an i do good distractng myself for awhile and then i suck him back in my head.....i dont want to hang on anymore and if i reach out and still get nothing, i feel itll give me the answer i need
sweet_pea Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Why do you feel you can't move on without an answer? What will an answer do for you? Why does it matter? I really do not think you should break contact. You already reached out by giving him the break up email and he did not respond. Why was that not enough? 1
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Don't email him. Look at his silence as: He doesn't want to converse at all anymore. He's closed the book and put it away. If you email him, you're going to feel so much worse when he doesn't reply. But you know yourself best and if you truly can accept his silence (one last time) and it'll help you close the door once and for all, do it. Though I strongly am against you emailing him. It'll show him you're weak, you have no pride or self respect and show him that you can't move on. Do you want to give him that power? I hope you say F-it! And just stop. Stop obsessing, and keep telling yourself you're better off and make your own peace/closure with what you do know.
Author wasntlooking Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Im tryng and feel like im getting no where. I will think it more through the next few days cause i know im pretty tired now. I dont want to look weak and i wouldnt try to show that i am. Id try to play it off as much as i could. I changed my email address so he cant contact me and he doesnt have my number or anything
Author wasntlooking Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 I also want to tell him how F'd up it was not to respond. This A was mutual yes but he pushed more than me. Im really past the whole wanting to restart the A. And for some reason i feel I cant start working on my M issues until this door is closed. I just need to hear it frm him that the door is closed.
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Why do you feel you're getting no where? Because you want answers and won't get them? Then let it go. The answer is, there IS no answer. Make peace with that. During the past 5 months of NC, progress has been made - More than you think! You've detached from him as time has gone on. You probably don't think of him ALL the time like you used to during the first few months of NC and the A ending.
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 I also want to tell him how F'd up it was not to respond. This A was mutual yes but he pushed more than me. Im really past the whole wanting to restart the A. And for some reason i feel I cant start working on my M issues until this door is closed. I just need to hear it frm him that the door is closed. He won't care. He doesn't care. He chose not to respond to your break up email. As much as you can't stand that, he had every right to handle it that way - His way. Just because you feel he should have responded and given you some closure, doesn't mean you should chase him down and make him answer you. Free Will comes into play here. The door IS closed and you do not need him to tell you that. Me thinks (please tell me if I'm wrong) it's an excuse to not fully close yourself off to him and open your heart to your husband. You can't rely on someone else to close the door, you need to do that yourself. 1
Author wasntlooking Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Whichway i appreciate yoir comments and agree. Hoping to hear some more responses. I know its wrong. Im just feeling angry right now as to how could he be so cold when he pushed more thsn me in the A. Kind of just want him to know im not ok with that. Wording it so i dont look like a pathetic fool now thats the problem 1
Author wasntlooking Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Sorry im babbling too, just so many thoughts going through my head....he never initiated contact throughtout the A. He was always afraid of getting me n trouble so him not responding or reaching out isnt all too much of a shocker i guess. I always did it first and as far as he knows, my phone is being monitored or he thinks i got caught.
clairbear Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Don't have an answer- only you can make that decision. Just wanted to say I feel your pain and turmoil abs I'm sending you big hugs
inappfriendly Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Wasntlooking, I am fairly convinced you and I are the same person Similar timeline and situation. I am pretty much feeling exactly the way you are! I think of contacting him daily. Mostly because I want to remind him that I exist. Feeling him forget me as the days go by has been the most heartbreaking part of this whole mess. I read something the other day that put things into perspective a bit for me. "He may still love you. He probably does. He doesn't know what he wants. He probably still thinks about you all the time. But that isn't what matters. What matters is what he is doing about it, and what he is doing is nothing. And if he is doing nothing, you most certainly shouldn't do anything. You need someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious they want you in their life". 2
PurpleCardigan Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Im tryng and feel like im getting no where. I will think it more through the next few days cause i know im pretty tired now. I dont want to look weak and i wouldnt try to show that i am. Id try to play it off as much as i could. I changed my email address so he cant contact me and he doesnt have my number or anything I'm confused. You say he hasn't contacted you to explain but then you say you changed your email. Perhaps he has tried? But it actually doesn't matter if he has or has not. Don't break NC. I went back and forth with my ex about the "why's" and in the end it was one of biggest hurts about our relationship. He was unable to give me good enough answers (he didn't have them and fell back to excuses, lies and withdrawl) and in the end I lost my self-respect, dignity, self-esteem and became this clingy person. I've never been her and will never be her again. You've gotten wise advice here. Stay NC and that closure comes from within. I thought it was cr*p advice but I;m actively working toward closure from within and it is working to help heal me. Figure out what you want from your marriage -- to stay or go and focus your energy there and not on closure that your affair partner is not going to give you. You will only hurt more if you reach out and contact him, whether he answers or not -- you will hurt more than you do right now or through the past five months. Trust me, I've been there. 2
Rollercoaster Rider Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Ok so i know its not the right thing to break Nc. I started if five months ago. What i cant just not get over is how he could not respond to my break up email. I just cant get over it and ive been reading all the advice. I dont want to ask him to restart anything, im really over that, i just NEED to know what he ws thinking. Even if he came out and said that he was using me, sure itll hurt but at least i know. I just have to know. I know your struggle.. I have been dealing with it for 9 weeks. But, after my surprise appearance yesterday..I DO NOT feel any better. I am more confused now then I was before. Many emotions..shock..disbelief that he basically followed me...sadness, happiness, but the top: CONFUSION. Don't get me wrong, the thought that he really cared popped into my head many times... but that was quickly followed by: What does he want?? I highly doubt he will ever give you the closure your looking for. He may not even respond, and if he doesn't that will lead your thinking into various and possibly worse directions. I know..believe me we all know how hard this is. It's like a piece of the life you had is gone, and now you need to start all over. It's lonely:-( But, I think if you break NC you will regret it. He didn't respond to you because, he is a selfish jerk. By keeping NC, you are showing him that you have moved on... and do not care what he is doing anymore. It makes you appear so much stronger! Go do something for you today... leave the phone at home, and get your mind off of him. You can do this! Give yourself closure by maintaining NC... 1
Popsicle Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Kudos to you for posting here before doing it. I say don't do it. I completely agree with Inappfriendly's post.
whatatangledweb Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Look at the threads from the OWs who had their MM contact them months later for no reason. It didn't help them, it just made things worse for them. You are the MW wanting to do the same thing to the OM. You don't want the affair back, yet you need something from him. There is no answer he can give you that will satisfy you. You sent an email dumping him and wanting NC. He gave you what you wanted then. I find it cruel to reach out to someone for no reason other than you need something from them without caring how it will effect them. I understand you are looking for something to help you but this is not the way. 1
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