solostandconfused14 Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 I'm new to this message board and I feel so lost. Backstory on me, married over 15 years with kids under 18. Had been having a very intense emotional affair with another married man with kids for the last year and a half. He ended it 3 weeks ago. It hurts. I feel lost, confused, sad, angry. He felt we were getting too attached to each other and we needed to end it now before it got even deeper. Neither one of us want to end our marriages at this point in time in our lives. I just didn't want to lose him and the friendship we had. The time I spent with him was magical. After he ended it I sent him a text the next day and asked if he never wanted to talk to me again. His answer was he didn't think he could talk to me without the feelings coming into place. I said ok I wont try and contact him again. There was no contact for 2 weeks, then he sent a text and said it was for hard for him too. I sent one back and agreed. I told him I missed him, he didn't reciprocate those feelings. He said I could send him messages from time to time. I feel so dumb. What makes it worse is my husband is a good man. I feel I don't really deserve him. When I started my affair my husband and I were having some problems. But he's always been a good man and father. I realize I love my husband, but not romantically. I just want to stop thinking of the OM, I don't want him to be the person in my mind when I got to sleep and when I wake up. I'm getting anxious when I think of him, I wish I knew how to feel better and stop thinking of him. I don't know what I can do. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know anything but a deep sadness of the affair ending and I just feel lost. I don't know what to do. I am trying to fall back in love with my husband, but that's making me feel worse, because my hearts not in it.
wasntlooking Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 I am feeling just like you. Our stories are almost exactly the same instead i initated NC not because i wanted to because i knew it was the right thing to do. That was slmost five months ago and i havent heard from him since. Youd think id be happy since i started it right? Mmmm. I wish. He nevef responded back to me when i broke it off in email. Jist has been silence. What i struggle with is not getting a response. I really feel like i need one. And have been debating on bresking nc. I dont want the A to start again and i think im strong enough now to fight it i just can fight the not knowing what he was thinking thing. As for my husband and I, i am struggling with my feelings towards him also. We were n counseling also before my A. No excuses still for what i did. So you are so not alone. Talk here, it does help
ComingInHot Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 It may be hard because it's difficult for the heart to be in something if it can't be honest and hides the truth. The heart wants to give 100% of whatever it feels. Hard to do that with the burden of lies and betrayal surrounding it. Have you considered being honest with Your H? It may help him understand a whole lot he's been confused about and take steps to work on the M with you**
meggiemay Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I understand how you feel solost ... I have been in an emotional affair since the end of November. There is a lot of background to it in that my hubby is an alcoholic and he had a complete meltdown mid November and left with the intention of committing suicide. He was not successful, but in the process I learned he was drinking regularly (had no idea:() and he was charged with a dui that night. A friend of his started texting with me with concern about myself and my kids. After a few weeks he began to text me much more frequently and let me know he was having feelings for me. By this point my husband left for rehab for 8 weeks (has PTSD and alcoholism) ... so my friend and I became constantly in contact via text. We had (or so I thought) ever intention of it becoming more than just an emotional affair ... but when that actually became close to becoming real, he started to back off. He lives with his gf of just about a year - which when I talked of loving my hubby, but not really being in love with him, I asked him if he was madly in love with his gf and he said things had changed. I asked in what way and he said every way. So in my mind we had every intention of pursuing this - even though I felt some guilt, I didn't feel a lot. I was so angry at my hubby and I just shut that part of my life right out of my mind. I went numb. The only happy part of my life seemed to be texting with R. Needless to say he waffled back and forth about being with me. He would say he still liked me an awful lot and wanted to be with me, but then would say he still loved his gf and couldn't hurt her. We'd talk again and he'd be back to wanting to be with me. As we got closer to my hubby coming home I became somewhat frantic with this and sent an awful lot of texts and had a lot of emotional meltdowns. At one point I said I may have to confess to hubby and that upset him ... I have no intention of telling hubby as with his mental health issues and recovery from alcohol I cannot add that to his plate. Anyways ... we are almost to the end of this EA. I am trying to hang on by a thread - even as friends, but I think he has had enough. I know I am needy and maybe come across as clingy, but honestly he has been my closest confidante throughout this whole ordeal. I don't know that my marriage is going to last with hubby ... right now we need to worry about his recovery and the marriage focus has to be put on hold. For now we are living in the same house in separate rooms and there is a lot of awkwardness. I guess I am not much help ... I can't stop thinking of the OM ... he is who I want to be with in all honesty I don't believe that will happen ... maybe someday down the road as I dont' believe that his relationship with his gf is as good as he professes if he engaged in all of that emotional stuff with me. I don't know ... one can hope?? Crazy I know!! I did start journaling today. A friend suggested it ... I had six full pages in a spiral notebook ... it did help though. Just be sure it is put somewhere that no one will find it! Good luck to you ... you are not alone!
Recommended Posts