She left me for her ex

[Joshuascott]

I'm back, once again. Love this site. Always has been a huge help. So here's my story...

 

So about 7 months ago this girl and I started hanging out. We clicked isntantly. Spent literally every single day together. About 4 months into the friendship things got hot and heavy and we realized that we liked each other. The only problem was she had a boyfriend. Obviously she cheated on him with me. But they had a long distance thing going on and was really starting to not feel things with him. She never told him what happened and he ended up leaving her cause he didn't know when he would come back into town. Her and I I could honestly say were in love. We loved everything about each other. Unbelievably comfortable around each other.

 

One day she found out that her ex was going to come back into town to stay. This freaked me out because I didn't want to lose her. But she kept promising me that I had nothing to worry about. I honestly believed her. But once he came back things changed.

 

She started bouncing back in between him and I because she couldn't decide what she wanted. When her ex found out what was going on between her and I he got pissed and kept saying he was gonna leave her. Oddly enough he started to become really good friends with me because he thought that I "hated" her for bouncing back and forth. So he came up with this plan to make her fall in love again and then leave her. I pretended to be all friendly with him and agree with what he had going on but secretly everything he told me I told this girl thinking that she would realize that he's a POS and would leave him and just officially be with me.

 

But this girl is so naive. I told her all that was going on and she still keeps bouncing back and forth. So one day her and I came up with this plan where we pretended to "break up" so maybe he would play his stupid game and just leave her. Because now that he thought I was out of the picture he kinda stopped playing his game and started actually treating her right. But everyone around me tells me that he does in fact have intentions to hurt her.

 

So because her and I created this pretend break up, we started to fight more because she just would not stop talking to him cause she BELIEVED all the BS that he was saying. Due to are fighting we started to become distant and she was getting closer to her ex because for all her knew I was gone. When secretly we were still hanging out and having sex and all that stuff.

 

Today is Valentines day and the other day I told her I was gonna give her some space so she could just figure out what she wanted to do. My car died today and the only person that could help me was her so when she came out to help me i noticed she was looking really good. I asked her where she was going and she just gave me this look that told a story.. she was going to spend V day with him. She kept saying to me that she's just gonna play his game until he leaves her and then we'll see what happens. But because she's still going out with him I get upset. How am I not suppose to be upset?

 

Moral of the story.. I just want her back. How things use to be. We use to be so happy and inseparable and now I'm lucky to see her once a week. She's always distant with me because that's all I ever wanna talk about is how she's going out with him and falling for him.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want her back. any help?

[TylerDurdenn]

She was never yours.

[Colton]

Your intentions may have been good but how do you think it made you look by telling her all the stuff he was saying? It probably made you look a little less desirable (degrade him to make yourself look better).

 

No games man. The pretend break up? You're not in 10th grade anymore.

 

If this guy really is a piece of s***, and you are the stand up guy you make yourself out to be, she'll be back when she finds out her ex's true colors. But honestly if he really is a POS, why is she bouncing back and forth? Maybe she's not all you put her up to be if she's willing to throw you away for him.

 

Just let her go, do your own thing. If she comes back to you and you alone cool. If she doesn't, good riddance

[sportzhl24]

Dude you've got to get away from this girl. It sounds like a really weird and immature situation for everybody involved. This girl obviously has feelings for her ex, so why not just get the f*** away? She's not treating you right AT ALL. She's messing with you. Regardless if she has some feelings for you, the fact is that she's still involved with her ex and she's dragging you along as her plan B or whatever. Dude, have some self-respect! If I were you, I wouldn't waste another second on her.

[Itspointless]

To be honest, cheating on her ldr with you is messed up to begin with. I have been in a ldr for a short while. If I had experienced this it would have made me The whole story reads like something children can do with each-other, her ex does not sound mature either.

[Joshuascott]

I know that I should get out. Any sensible person would get out. Idk why I can't. Idk how to say goodbye

[Joshuascott]

So we were texting this morning and this is how the conversation went..

 

me: "can i see you?"

her: "im not there"

me: "where are you.. his room im guessing"

her: "no, im with a friend"

me: "why didnt you go out with him?"

 

didnt text me back for a minute so then i sent this

 

me: "unless you're lying, which you are. because your car is in the parking lot"

her: "or maybe i just want to be left alone. have fun in va. we will talk later"

 

and then all i said back was "will do. later"

 

I understand I should give her space. It's just hard because I start to think bad thoughts. Her and I obviously aren't talking now at the moment but I dont know what to do when she finally wants to talk or anything really

[Sasukie]

Not a good sign man. Why are you guessing what she's doing?

 

Simple concept.

 

Give a child candy (in this case your affection and focus), child is happy.

If you give the same candy to this kid every day, or even hour of the day. You think he'll be happy the second or third time around?

 

Only when you don't have or see something, you'll miss it.

 

You're showing signs that you're suffocating her. She doesn't report to you, nor do you.

 

"me: "where are you.. his room im guessing""

Screams insecurity.

[Joshuascott]

Not a good sign man. Why are you guessing what she's doing?

 

Simple concept.

 

Give a child candy (in this case your affection and focus), child is happy.

If you give the same candy to this kid every day, or even hour of the day. You think he'll be happy the second or third time around?

 

Only when you don't have or see something, you'll miss it.

 

You're showing signs that you're suffocating her. She doesn't report to you, nor do you.

 

"me: "where are you.. his room im guessing""

Screams insecurity.

 

what should I do then? Because I want her back

[iPhone]

Believe me, I understand your pain.

 

I want my ex fiance of 4 years back, too, even though she did something along these lines.

 

Fact is, the only chance you have of getting them back even remotely is to cut them off 100% so they miss you.

 

But, if you're anything like me, you have to ask, do you really WANT them back? If they're willing to do something like this, what's to say it wouldn't happen again?

 

I would give every opportunity for the rest of my life to have back the girl I thought she was a year ago, to get back the security, the feeling... the trust.

 

But can that ever be gained back? You know?

[Joshuascott]

Believe me, I understand your pain.

 

I want my ex fiance of 4 years back, too, even though she did something along these lines.

 

Fact is, the only chance you have of getting them back even remotely is to cut them off 100% so they miss you.

 

But, if you're anything like me, you have to ask, do you really WANT them back? If they're willing to do something like this, what's to say it wouldn't happen again?

 

I would give every opportunity for the rest of my life to have back the girl I thought she was a year ago, to get back the security, the feeling... the trust.

 

But can that ever be gained back? You know?

 

Yeah I totally understand that. I'll have random thoughts of "is this really worth it?" as you said, I just want back what we use to have. I just wish there was a way to say goodbye and leave such an impact. That's why I havent left things alone. Cause I wanna leave her questioning and wondering. Keep her mind on me

[thefooloftheyear]

Yeah I totally understand that. I'll have random thoughts of "is this really worth it?" as you said, I just want back what we use to have. I just wish there was a way to say goodbye and leave such an impact. That's why I havent left things alone. Cause I wanna leave her questioning and wondering. Keep her mind on me

 

Then the best way to accomplish that would have been to immediately make her invisible...You went about it all wrong.

 

I know this sounds harsh, but be a man...You are acting like a little boy..The BEST thing to do is ignore her and maintain your dignity...Ironically, doing this will be the ONLY way she is gonna come back..I wouldnt want her anyway...Sounds like she was just dicking you around all along...

 

Sorry, I hope you feel better...But if you dont look after yourself this will eat you alive..

 

TFY

[Joshuascott]

Then the best way to accomplish that would have been to immediately make her invisible...You went about it all wrong.

 

I know this sounds harsh, but be a man...You are acting like a little boy..The BEST thing to do is ignore her and maintain your dignity...Ironically, doing this will be the ONLY way she is gonna come back..I wouldnt want her anyway...Sounds like she was just dicking you around all along...

 

Sorry, I hope you feel better...But if you dont look after yourself this will eat you alive..

 

TFY

 

So where do I go from here? How do I salvage this

[iPhone]

You were told what to do but it isn't what you want to hear. You are under the impression there are magic words that will permit what you desire.

 

There isn't.

 

Me, I took the cold route. She did me wrong, lied to me, and moved on after a few days. I absolutely verbally destroyed her spirit. Crushed her. Then told her grandparents how she's been lying.

 

Then I left, and told her I'll remember her as nothing but a pathological liar...

 

I'm glad I struck back even though it was nothing compared to the pain she has devastated me with. THAT gave me dignity.

 

And I KNOW that will screw up her current guy's chances. She will be angry and thinking about what I said.

[Sasukie]

So where do I go from here? How do I salvage this

 

So you can either take this or leave it.

 

I have read many topics over the past few weeks and months, countless and the final message is this man.

 

You can't do anything. You should not have the mindset of "how do I salvage this?".

When you breakup, its a sign that things didn't work out between you two. Even though right now all you want to do is think of ways of getting her back, you're just slowing yourself from recovering. All these but "what if I do this? maybe she'll realize what she's missing. yea for sure that!" they're just mind games.

 

At the end of the day, when I went through my breakup in October someone told me this.

 

"A relationship is like a vase, once it breaks, even if you try putting it back together and fixing it, it won't be the same. Water will leak because of the cracks that are there."

 

So either you figure it out early for yourself and go your separate way and find something that will preoccupy your mind or you can mope for the following few weeks until you finally figure out there's nothing to do.

 

Any sort of begging or attention to her will do absolutely nothing, no it does not look good. So whats the opposite? Doing something else with your past time. The reason I say this is that I went through the same thoughts - what can I do and everything and after a few months everything got better, I found other things to do. And you'll realize a relationship is just that, its not your life and shouldn't be. Why waste your best years (15-20s) pining over a girl which you probably would be together for maybe another 2 years.

 

I think I've summarized it pretty well - what you choose to do now is up to you. If you continue to ask a follow up question of "what can I do, what should I do to get her attention? If I do this, would she miss/react to me?" then you haven't thought anything through.

 

Good luck

[Joshuascott]

Yeah I guess I'm just beating around the bush. I was just reading all this and I thought of it as like quitting an addiction. It sucks at first but it gets better. I am my own my man and I need to rediscover myself before I can ever let her or anyone else back in my life. If she does ever wanna try things again idk what i'll do but it'll on my terms. I'm done with the games.

 

you guys have been a great help. I just needed somebody to tell me exactly what I didnt want to hear.

 

Time to move forward

[Joshuascott]

So I went ahead and just sent her one last text just laying it out and ending things. No more me getting strung along like a little puppy. This is how it wont...

 

"You know ive done nothing but slave myself over you for the past 2 months. I knew from the start i didnt have a chance with you and [ex] but i still tried and i still showed you everything i had to offer. What ive learned from this is i gave up a lot of myself to be with you. i gave up my pride, my diginity, self confidence and respect for myself, for you. All just to find out you're patholigical liar who would rather take the easy road out than fighting for the guy who actually cares about you. I'm done with you and everything you've done to me. I refuse to remember you as the girl of my dreams; you've been nothing but a nightmare. If and when [ex] decides to end things, i wont be here. theres no need to talk anymore. ill cya around"

 

And boom. Im done. She texted me back saying some stuff about how ive been pushing her away with all the fighting and even if the ex wasnt in the picture id still be pushing her away. If he wasnt in the picture there wouldnt be any problems.. i dont get her. oh well

[Sasukie]

Yeah I guess I'm just beating around the bush. I was just reading all this and I thought of it as like quitting an addiction. It sucks at first but it gets better. I am my own my man and I need to rediscover myself before I can ever let her or anyone else back in my life. If she does ever wanna try things again idk what i'll do but it'll on my terms. I'm done with the games.

 

you guys have been a great help. I just needed somebody to tell me exactly what I didnt want to hear.

 

Time to move forward

 

Its for the best bro, from what you said she's just like every other. Look back 1-2 years later, you'll realize you didn't lose out. Just be grateful for the time you did spend together.

 

Another phrase that might help, it ain't your loss, its hers as long as you improve for yourself. Not to show or prove anything to anyone else.

[Sasukie]

From your latest message, before you texted that, I would have recommended you to not message her. I do understand a part of you for sure wanted to get that off your chest and say what you feel to her (kinda in a way to satisfy your own emotional needs to vent). But the more appropriate thing would have been to let it go at that. You don't owe anything to explain to her, not explaining to her would have let you leave with your head hung high. Just note that for your next relationship.

 

Just because one bit*% treated you poorly, don't treat others poorly. From now on keep without any contact whatsoever, not even checking up on her on any facebook. After 2 months of doing your own stuff feelings will go away.

 

Anyways do not regret - you might waver at points "oh shoot, should I really have done that?" yes. you should have. Whenever 3 people are involved in a relationship, ugh, if a girl has to think about her choices, its never a good sign. There's no loyalty and that ain't something relationship can foster from.

[Joshuascott]

Actually if ya'll want verbatim on what she said it was

 

"Easy way out? because all of this is ****ing easy right? a walk in the park? it hasnt ive literally been mildly depresed since all this happened. and fight for you, all you do is yell at me or fuss at me. all your doing is pushing me away. even if [ex] wasnt here you would still be pushing me away"

[Sasukie]

Remember your own statement above, you said you won't pine over what she does from now on.

 

It doesn't matter what people say, one thing you'll realize is words are just that. There ain't anyone you can trust but 1. yourself 2. hopefully your mom/dad/bro/sister

 

Anyways what I've noticed from your actions is that they are very similar to things I would do - well at least back then

 

You might do things that you "think" are good and beneficial - but sometimes you might not realize its actually very suffocating and over the top for others. "Caring" to a certain degree is good, but seems like you were afraid (and with fair reason) of this ex situation and thats why you may have been overprotective.

 

Another thing for you and me to learn is how to harness your insecurity.

 

I admit I'm insecure, but I'm a good bf - I care a lot for people I value. But for my last relationship even though in all aspects i "progressed" farther than my ex gf, I showed her too much affection and over time we fell apart. It doesn't matter if you give yourself all to a girl, whats most important is how often you do it. Candy example.

 

Keep that in mind for the next relationship, you can only control what you do on your side of the relationship, the other half is your significant other. If they don't feel it, they don't. Don't try to change that.

[Joshuascott]

Remember your own statement above, you said you won't pine over what she does from now on.

 

It doesn't matter what people say, one thing you'll realize is words are just that. There ain't anyone you can trust but 1. yourself 2. hopefully your mom/dad/bro/sister

 

Anyways what I've noticed from your actions is that they are very similar to things I would do - well at least back then

 

You might do things that you "think" are good and beneficial - but sometimes you might not realize its actually very suffocating and over the top for others. "Caring" to a certain degree is good, but seems like you were afraid (and with fair reason) of this ex situation and thats why you may have been overprotective.

 

Another thing for you and me to learn is how to harness your insecurity.

 

I admit I'm insecure, but I'm a good bf - I care a lot for people I value. But for my last relationship even though in all aspects i "progressed" farther than my ex gf, I showed her too much affection and over time we fell apart. It doesn't matter if you give yourself all to a girl, whats most important is how often you do it. Candy example.

 

Keep that in mind for the next relationship, you can only control what you do on your side of the relationship, the other half is your significant other. If they don't feel it, they don't. Don't try to change that.

 

its hard not to want to say something back. But saying nothing might do more than words ever could. thanks for the advice man.

[bubbaganoosh]

Honestly the scam that you and the other guy tried to pull was stupid because IMO, she's scamming both of you and she had plans to bur the candle at both ends.

 

Look. If she was in a relationship with another guy and started seeing you, did you ever think that maybe you would be on the receiving end some day?

 

You said she's naive? Got news for you. Both you and this other guy are the ones that are naive. IMO both of you are getting played and I'm glad to see that you finally wised up and told her to hit the bricks.

 

next time you meet a girl, make sure she's not all wrapped up in a relationship. Find one that's free and clear.

[DontBreakEven]

 

No games man. The pretend break up? You're not in 10th grade anymore.

 

 

From the sounds of the story, he might be.