Mavis Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 Hi all, This is my first time posting at this forum. I wasn't sure where to place this post as my situation has not developed into the OM/OW scenerio. Mostly, I am posting to get some honest answers from others. Some males who post here who are willing to answer honestly from the male point of view would be very appreciated. I do want to hear from the women, as well, however. My first true love has been married to the woman he met after he and I broke up. They have been married for 20+ years. He and I remained friends and have looked each other up a few times throughout the years because we both have very fond feelings for one another. You know how it is with that first true love! We're always glad to hear from one another. He has looked me up a couple of times, and we have had lunch and "catch up" with what is going on in one another's lives and that's it. He would elude to not being particularly happily married, but I just listened, and he didn't say much beyond that besides, "I'm just a checkbook to her" about his wife of 20+ years. A few years pass, and I might call him and just chat for an hour on the phone and that is it. Trouble is the connection is always immediate, on the same wavelength even after a few years of not being in touch. A few months ago I contacted him, and the same immediate connection was there. We practically finished each others' sentences and did finish one. LOL. During this phone call he told me that he is "on the three-year plan". I didn't know what that meant, so I asked. He said he is just waiting for his last child to finish high school, and then he is "on his way", too. I have heard people who know them talk about them, and they say that "he has not been happy for a lot of years". I didn't know that. He always sounds very happy when we talk, though he rarely ever said anything about his wife besides the one thing. I am not the type to have an affair. It isn't just the moral part of it. I am just not equipped that way. I have never been able to be with more than one person at once. I'm monogamous, what can I tell you. I have left a boyfriend when I realized I no longer felt the way I should and became attracted to someone else. I can't stay in a relationship that doesn't feel right and be with someone else who it does feel right with simultaneously. I break off clean before I start anew. That is just the way I am built. Anyway, what is haunting me about the last conversation is that he was giving me hints. He even called me his "number one". He is on my mind but now I find I don't want to connect because I don't want to be enticed into an affair. At the same time, he is on my mind more and more, and I miss our freedom to connect once and awhile throughout the years. I even have dreams about him frequently where I never dreamed about him before. Now that I have written all this, I'm not sure what my question is. I wonder if he really is going to leave her, how do people cohabitate for so many years just for the children. He works out of state and is not home for weeks and montsh at a time. That may help in being able to stick it out for the kids, I don't know. I couldn't do it, which then makes me think they must have more to their union than just biding time until... What do you all think? Mavis
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 A few months ago I contacted him, and the same immediate connection was there. We practically finished each others' sentences and did finish one. LOL. During this phone call he told me that he is "on the three-year plan". I didn't know what that meant, so I asked. He said he is just waiting for his last child to finish high school, and then he is "on his way", too. Then wait 1-3 years and let him call you when he's been on his own for a while. Not good at all to jump out of a long marriage into an immediate relationship. wonder if he really is going to leave her, how do people cohabitate for so many years just for the children. He works out of state and is not home for weeks and montsh at a time. That may help in being able to stick it out for the kids, I don't know. I couldn't do it, which then makes me think they must have more to their union than just biding time until... Is he 'seeing' your reaction and wondering if you are open to an affair but really has no intention of leaving his wife? I am sure this thought has crossed your mind too. I think some settle into a routine. Kids are growing up, comfort level is there, friends/family around, life day in and life day out...Bordem, exhaustion, same routines...Eventually some couples are just there for companionship and comfort. Not sex, not deeply and passionately inlove. But they are happy and comforable too. I can't say either way if he will leave her. Only he knows that answer. I would suggest you back away from him for now. Let him figure out his life, sort out his feelings for his wife. Does she feel the same way? Or is this him maybe having a midlife crisis and looking for something on the side. I am not discrediting his feelings towards you or yours towards him. Some people always will have an emotional connection and are bonded together in the heart. After so long some feelings never go away! Obviously in your situation those feelings are still buried in you. Just be very careful how this could turn out. Friendship is one thing but he is crossing the line already but opening the door a crack while he is still married...That's a dangerous sign. Hope this helps abit.
KissMyTiara Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 While he still has kids in the home, he reason to stay. Once they are gone, he's still going to need a reason to LEAVE. He is hinting at you to see if you'd be his parachute out.
quankanne Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 my honest opinion? you're a fantasy figure who looks like the best thing since sliced bread, but who most likely will fall very, very short of his expectations once reality sets in .... I say look elsewhere for a committed relationship. however, because your heart is involved, if he's sincere about re-establishing a relationship with you, wait he's legally free to pursue a relationship with you (i.e. divorced). it'll save you a big headache.
Author Mavis Posted January 19, 2005 Author Posted January 19, 2005 Then wait 1-3 years and let him call you when he's been on his own for a while. Not good at all to jump out of a long marriage into an immediate relationship. I agree about waiting to see what he actually does in three years. If I'm not involved with anyone seriously at that time, who knows. However, I do feel cautious about someone who has been in a 20+ years marriage right after a divorce. I can't imagine that he would be ready to get involved seriously with someone right after that. Is he 'seeing' your reaction and wondering if you are open to an affair but really has no intention of leaving his wife? I am sure this thought has crossed your mind too. I think he was looking for my reaction. I am not into affairs and especially don't want to have an affair with him. He means more to me than that. I'd rather remain friends who connect periodically if he plans to stay married to his wife. I deliberately ended the call with "say hello to [her name] and my best to your family". I guess I was sending the message that I remember you are married, and, therefore, you are off limits. I think some settle into a routine. Kids are growing up, comfort level is there, friends/family around, life day in and life day out...Bordem, exhaustion, same routines...Eventually some couples are just there for companionship and comfort. Not sex, not deeply and passionately inlove. But they are happy and comforable too. Status quo would be easy for both of them to fall into for exactly the reasons you mention: family (hers especially). I don't know how happy they are. I've heard that she has even said she wants to end the marriage, but you know how heresay is. Who knows. I can see them just going on like they are, but I am not so sure he will want to for the rest of his life. His job has allowed him to leave that "comfortable" circumstance. He even stopped doing the job that takes him away from the home for a short period and then promptly went back to it and has stayed doing it ever since. I would suggest you back away from him for now. I have backed off completely. If he contacts me, I will always be there in the same way we have been over the years: friends who connect periodically. Thanks for your words. They did help. Mavis
Author Mavis Posted January 19, 2005 Author Posted January 19, 2005 Originally posted by KissMyTiara While he still has kids in the home, he reason to stay. Once they are gone, he's still going to need a reason to LEAVE. He is hinting at you to see if you'd be his parachute out. ***I'll definitely check in with him in the manner we have, periodically, but I am definitely keeping a good boundary for now. I truly do think he is waiting for the last kid to leave. He leaves as much as he can now as it is and still have some presence with his last child who still lives in the home. He seems to have one foot out the door as it is. If I'm still available, and he really does plan to leave...well, that would be a great thing. I would love it if I were there when he did finally divorce. I'm sure we'll be in touch. Thanks, Mavis
Recommended Posts