WW still stalking OM online..

February 15, 2014

It seems to me CD is bored with life rather than interested in OM (though it looks as if, and she probably thinks, she is interested in finding info about him). I believe she realizes she's hitting her head against a brick wall when she stalks OM online. But, her brokenness leads her to this self-destructive obsession repeatedly; yielding her nothing in return besides deepening the chasm between the two of you.

She may be wanting to experience a deeper meaning to life.

I believe she would very much benefit from a serious relationship with God to fill the void in her life that can't be filled by another person.

Edited February 15, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

February 15, 2014

Agreed!
There is no doubt about that. But apparently he is not a "non person" to her.

Do you think confronting her, commanding her, Scolding her severely, even throwing all the computers and cellular devices to the ocean... Do you think one of these will really change anything?

I don't think that one bit, it sounds like we're on pretty much the same page here, I don't think that he can change her mind at all, only she can.

Hmm, looks like you've got your answer then CM, it is definitely a breach of NC. If you plan on staying with her after this, which is what it sounds like, I will with hold my advice to divorce and offer any support that I can. Though I feel divorce would be the best option.

CD needs IC to figure out why she needs these things, why should an apology from POSOM to her really matter to her life right now anyways? I suggest that you tell her that anything concerning POSOM is a breach of NC, including searches, casual conversation or even thinking about him. Of course you can't read her mind so you will never know for sure, it will show her how seriously she needs to changer herself.

Remember, POSOM should be a non person to her, the faster she gets there, the better for the both of you.

February 15, 2014

First of all, some best friend you had. I would never ever do that to my best friend.

Now to her. This is breaking the NC rule and after a year of this, enough is enough and your the only one that can do anything about it and if I were you, I would tell her that if she still wants to know about him, then go to him and don't come back.

Put the ball in her court. She has to know that you will no longer put up with it any longer.

February 15, 2014

What reasons does she give you when you talk to her about it?

February 15, 2014

This ridiculous obsession with 'Why me' is a stupidly simple answer, and she just WON'T GET OVER IT.
I told her that while I understand she's working through her own stuff, taking ANY time out of her life to find ANY information about Douche is not healthy or helpful. Though one cannot turn off their thoughts, ACTING on them is entirely different. The goal should be to never wonder about ANYTHING to do with him again.

You are also acting ridiculously obsessed. You need to step back and think about you and your behavior, enough about her.

I can't imagine a therapist that would condone your intense, monitoring/stalking behavior of another human being as healthy or acceptable for either of you.

You have the understanding you sought from spying and stalking -- and the data is consistent. She hasn't let go. That's reality. Stop fighting it. You need to accept this is who you're married to and decide what you need to do. You attempting to change her is bullying, pure and simple. Her mind is her business. You need to accept and love this person where they are because that's the definition of love. If you can't be married to the person she is, and she is clearly unacceptable 'as is' you need to leave the marriage.

If not obsessing or stalking is so productive and healthy, then back up your talk with the walk and you stop obsessing about what she's doing and stop stalking her. For the sake of both of you. From this post you two look very, very similar obsessed and deeply unhappy people.

Your behavior sounds so obsessed I wouldn't be surprised if you ended up in the police reports. She might be afraid to leave you, for good reason. Because that is THE most dangerous time to be physically hurt by you.

February 15, 2014

It's not like hours at the computer. But it's 5-15 minutes every few weeks. For a year. Some of it, I understand the impulses (ex: the LS discussion about if the AP got away scot free, leads to a natural curiosity of if he's still with his gf). But I believe this passes a pretty straightforward 'does this count as NC' sniff test.

I have no doubts that my wife is committed to me (for the time being). What I am concerned with is whether or not my wife has the tools to deal with this fully. She comes from a pretty dysfunctional family, and doesn't really have a mature female mentor.

She wonders why he didn't apologize to me.

Why he never tried to contact her.

Why his g/f is still with him.

And many other things that ultimately are summed up nicely by Fluttershy:

My wife has been intimate with two men, has very little relationship experience outside of tge marriage, and doesn't really know how to process this. That's not an excuse, but it is a reality (I believe).

She's gotten so much better about it (better conversation pacing, more listening, talking abour topics beyond herself, genuine empathy), but she's lived a long self-focused life. There are still bad habits woven deeply into that psyche. The service of self, instant gratification. When those around you don't provide you support, you compensate by finding reasons to make yourself a focus, you convince yourself that they 'really are paying attention to you'.

Very emotionally distant/disconnected father (AP matches this nicely, btw).

It's all in there. We've all got our things. What matters is what we do from here.

I just wanted to see what the consensus was on this. Everyone's got their own opinions. That's a good thing.

She's braking NC with this stalking and obsessing and you know it. She cheated on you with your friend and you've both spent a year trying to repair your marriage. Except she was sabotaging things behind your back by keeping tab's on her AP. Her cake-eating behavior is what got you in this mess in the first place and after all the anger, pain, and tears she's still the same person. Then you explain it all away because of the whole "she's had a hard life" thing. Guess what? Life is hard. Everyone has a hard life; everyone has a story. The key is to not let the crap we've had to endure define who we are now. She's not doing enough to fix herself and you are paying the price.

What do you think would have happened if OM would have been available online? Where would that have ended?

February 15, 2014

-Not a single month- has gone by that CD hasn't checked LinkedIn, Google+, Google searches, Facebook, and reoccurring searches in her email for any remaining bits. Thoughts?

I am old enough to remember a time when there was no internet. When I was a young man, most people didn't even have answering machines. When you "broke up" with someone, it was pretty easy to go "no contact." If you had the urge to find out about them, you had to call them or someone they knew. It wasn't easy to do it anonymously. If you had a "moment of weakness," usually the moment passed before you could act on it.

My opinion is that the computer can be addictive. It's anonymous (or at least most people feel safe that it is).

My assumption is that she does not just think about this guy every two weeks or so and look him up when she does. My opinion is that she has the urge to do it all the time and fights it, but can't last a week or two without doing it. Probably feels guilty after she does it. Then is able to make it another couple of weeks before she gives in to the urge again. Safe to say she doesn't confide any of this in you?

My opinion is based on reading her past posts here. Nobody posts as much as she does if she's not trying to really make this thing work. Interesting question is, should you feel bad that she looks the guy up every two weeks, or should you feel good that she must really, really want to be with you to fight the urges as she does and put in as much work as she does on the relationship?

Does she ever look up anyone else, or is it just the other man?

Just speaking for myself, but whenever I've really been done with someone, I had absolutely zero desire to look them up or contact them or even to hear about them. Zero interest. And I know that it's been the same when someone was truly done with me. If I was curious about someone who I had dated in the past year or so, it was a definite sign that I still had some interest.

February 15, 2014

You are also acting ridiculously obsessed. You need to step back and think about you and your behavior, enough about her.

I can't imagine a therapist that would condone your intense, monitoring/stalking behavior of another human being as healthy or acceptable for either of you.

You have the understanding you sought from spying and stalking -- and the data is consistent. She hasn't let go. That's reality. Stop fighting it. You need to accept this is who you're married to and decide what you need to do. You attempting to change her is bullying, pure and simple. Her mind is her business. You need to accept and love this person where they are because that's the definition of love. If you can't be married to the person she is, and she is clearly unacceptable 'as is' you need to leave the marriage.

If not obsessing or stalking is so productive and healthy, then back up your talk with the walk and you stop obsessing about what she's doing and stop stalking her. For the sake of both of you. From this post you two look very, very similar obsessed and deeply unhappy people.

Your behavior sounds so obsessed I wouldn't be surprised if you ended up in the police reports. She might be afraid to leave you, for good reason. Because that is THE most dangerous time to be physically hurt by you.

CM, I highly disagree with the above statement, CD should be an open book and she has no reason to expect any privacy whatsoever after having an affair. She should know that you are going to continue to verify for however long it takes you to feel comfortable trusting her even the littlest bit.

Don't let the insulting words towards you from anyone affect you doing what you feel. You're not the one in the wrong here.

February 15, 2014

I don't know what more to say. I confronted her and told her I was sick of it, I've been MORE than patient enough. If she -ever- does it again, I'll consider it a full breach of NC, and we're done.

It has already been a full breach of NC before, only NOW your classifying/considering it to be one. She knows about these boundaries and has posted many times about how aware her actions caused harmed to you. SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE IS DOING AND HOW WRONG IT IS, and will use some premeditated lame a$$ excuse to explain how "sorry" she is.

February 15, 2014

It's like an ex girlfriend reliving good memories and missing the way he made her feel. To actively still be doing it a year later is a bad sign. Her behaviour tells me that she didn't see the affair as a really bad thing. You go back and relive things because it made you feel good not because you hate someone and the experience was bad. The only time I ever went searching for information on old girlfriends was because I still had feelings for her. If she is still thinking of him your reconciliation is headed for failure. Better you know now than wasting years of your time on false reconciliation. If you have drawn your line in the sand and she continues to disrespect you rethink your position, put a time limit on it than act. She has serious boundary issues or thinks your really stupid, clear that up for her quickly.

February 15, 2014

Absolute dealbreaker. I'm sorry.

A woman who desperately tries to seek for every little last breadcrumb she can find for at least a year is not truly reconciling. It's all show and shallow.

And if he ever chose to contact her, her panties would hit the ground hard enough to create a hole through the planet.

February 15, 2014

It's not like hours at the computer. But it's 5-15 minutes every few weeks. For a year. Some of it, I understand the impulses (ex: the LS discussion about if the AP got away scot free, leads to a natural curiosity of if he's still with his gf). But I believe this passes a pretty straightforward 'does this count as NC' sniff test.

Why have you let the OM get away?

No wonder your recovery is having problems. You can not pick and chose only the things you want to do to recover. You must do all the steps.

Expose this OM far and wide now!

February 15, 2014

How will you know if she does it again?

If her compulsion is still there, she can sneak and use a friend's computer, or search at the library.

The bigger issue is trust, and deserving trust.

February 15, 2014

Why have you let the OM get away?

No wonder your recovery is having problems. You can not pick and chose only the things you want to do to recover. You must do all the steps.

Expose this OM far and wide now!

What steps?

This is not a guru site. There are no "all the steps" here.

February 15, 2014

She deceived all of us, she kept her little secret from everyone on this site yet she came here for help. Had she mentioned the fact that she continues to check up on her affair partner, we would be all over her asking her to explain the "Why" specially if she is trying to save her marriage. This is a self destructive trait or she is a compulsive cheater. Is she still having trouble choosing between the two of you?

Edited February 15, 2014 by aliveagain

February 15, 2014

CM, I'd like to comment because I was in this same situation.

For about six months after our d-day I stalked xOM online. I was still obsessed/addicted with him and this was the only way to feed that addiction. My H eventually saw and it led to the final trickle truth. He said to me, I'm not going to monitor you anymore. Do what you want.

And him saying that made me realize I needed to be responsible for my own behaviors. Stalking him online was feeding something in me and still hurting my H. So I made the decision to stop. It was not easy as it became more of an addiction than me actually caring about what was happening to him, if that makes any sense. Like a bad habit.

Whenever I had the urge, I said, I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow became a week became a month, etc. To be honest I still get the urge sometimes. I think because my A/xOM became more of an obsession with me. But even though I get the urge, I don't search, because the reality is I don't care about him anymore. There's nothing positive that can come out of searching so I don't do it. I channel my energies elsewhere. Good luck.

Edited February 15, 2014 by Bittersweetie

February 15, 2014

Coming out of a little break to comment on this.

I, too, had this problem. I hated that I did it. There was part of me that didn't understand any of it and I was upset that xmom appeared to be able to morph into a new life without being trampled on like I was. He, too, was my husband's friend and I never understood why he never apologized to him or my children whom he said he loved. There were many, many unanswered questions and I think in some way I thought maybe those answers would be revealed by looking for information and pictures, etc.

What I didn't understand was that it was a breach of nc. I also didn't understand that it was not only hurting my husband but it was truly hurting me! Honestly the last straw for me was seeing something put up by xmom's BS that I absolutely know was directed at me and was intended to hurt me. And you know what? It did. That was when I decided no more. I had to stop it.

I retooled my mornings so that the first thing I did was exercise (not get on the ipad) and that in and of itself helped clear things up mentally for me. It gets easier with time because there are so many other important things to focus on and I do love my husband and I want to make it work.

I agree with the poster who said a break up was way easier before the internet. This is so true of social media in general - which is both a blessing and a cursing.

CM - you have to decide what you want to do. Do you love her? Are you willing to keep walking through this with her? My husband wanted to monitor me for awhile as well (as did/do I him) but when he finally said he wasn't going to monitor me anymore, that actually was the biggest gift he could have given me and I decided I would take responsibility for myself - I had to - to do the right thing for us and our marriage. I have the ability to monitor him but I rarely do it now just because it exhausts me and I don't want our relationship to be about that.

Hang in there - and if she wants to pm me, please tell her to do so. I will check in from time to time.

February 15, 2014

I certainly understand how CM is hurt by these actions, but for some people to suggest this is a deal breaker doesn't make much sense. Look, for better or worse this AP is a part of her journey we call life. There is no erasing that fact. To suggest that she should no longer think about that time or express very minimal curiosity about him is simply unrealistic.

She's not broken. She doesn't need IC. She is human. And as humans we have an interest about people we were close with. There is absolutely NOTHING abnormal about that; even though it may be painful for the BS.

At the end of the day, CM, where is she? She is with you. I have read many of CD's posts and she wants to be with you.

February 15, 2014

I also think CD wants to be with CM. The way I see it is that CD is not as far along the path to successful reconciliation as would be hoped at this stage. By "stalking", she is feeding the emotional remnants of the affair (been there, done that ). It creates a vicious circle and achieves nothing. For her benefit and for the benefit of her marriage, she needs to stop this behaviour.

February 15, 2014

CM, your wife's actions bother me because it tells me she hasn't got her closure from OM, he still has some control over her because she is giving him this control. Even 6 months after discovery she wrote that she wanted to see OM one more time to answer questions. She wrote how she wanted OM to tell her it was all real and that he loved her and desired her and didn't want it to end and that she wanted him to beg her not to go back to you. She said at that time that she had a strong wish to hear him express that he actually cared for her and wasn't just leading her on for sex. I am not trying to bring up old sh*t from 6 months ago but I see a pattern here, why is closure and validation from the man that helped her destroy your marriage more important than validation from you?

CM the thing that really stuck out to me was her writing that she can't go down that road of hiding things from you because it would be too easy to go back to who she was during the affair. This is exactly what she is doing, if she can't do it in front of you she shouldn't be doing it. She knows it is wrong, you both went to counselling, you just had your one year anti-versary yet she here she is again breaking boundaries. I am being harsh because CM this is about the rest of your life and she is an adult, she is making a conscious decision to do these things even though she knows it will hurt you if you find out. Don't believe what she writes, believe what she does. CM I hope for the two of you CD opens her eyes real quick because she is throwing away her second chance over some bulls*it fantasy romantic movie ending that is just that, a fantasy.

February 15, 2014

I love the variety of posters on here. Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts.

Also, this is one of the funnier expressions (and visuals) I've heard. Totally going to steal this expression.. put it on the shelf, use it every once in a while:

'Her panties would hit the ground hard enough to create a hole through the planet.'

February 15, 2014

It's like an ex girlfriend reliving good memories and missing the way he made her feel. To actively still be doing it a year later is a bad sign. Her behaviour tells me that she didn't see the affair as a really bad thing. You go back and relive things because it made you feel good not because you hate someone and the experience was bad. The only time I ever went searching for information on old girlfriends was because I still had feelings for her. If she is still thinking of him your reconciliation is headed for failure. Better you know now than wasting years of your time on false reconciliation. If you have drawn your line in the sand and she continues to disrespect you rethink your position, put a time limit on it than act. She has serious boundary issues or thinks your really stupid, clear that up for her quickly.

I disagree with the absoluteness of this post. We don't always dwell on things we miss for warm and fuzzies.

There was this biatch i went to school with. And when fb came out I searched her out of pure morbid curiousity. It roughy up a lot of negative feelings but I kept doing it!!! And I am sure many a BW can confirm the searched the ex ows and had to learn self control on that.

February 15, 2014

I certainly understand how CM is hurt by these actions, but for some people to suggest this is a deal breaker doesn't make much sense. Look, for better or worse this AP is a part of her journey we call life. There is no erasing that fact. To suggest that she should no longer think about that time or express very minimal curiosity about him is simply unrealistic.

She's not broken. She doesn't need IC. She is human. And as humans we have an interest about people we were close with. There is absolutely NOTHING abnormal about that; even though it may be painful for the BS.

At the end of the day, CM, where is she? She is with you. I have read many of CD's posts and she wants to be with you.

My point was it is human but this extent is a warning bell and should be examined with the help of a third party. Even if it is just a mature female friend. This is very often. And for far too long. Tr danger is she might not have let go and it is taking up way too muh if her thought space. The fact she hasn't reached out for help in here when se has often shown how willing she is to go out on limb on this site shows she isn't ready to give this up or acknowledge it. I am not always a fan of IC. But a good female role model may help her. Or if she could take her urges to her h and be 100% honest but as we all know most BS don't want that.

Just as it is said that a WS wants the BS to "just get over it" the BS wants the same of the WS when it comes to what happened. It isn't anything special inside the WS... It is human nature.

February 15, 2014

I disagree with the absoluteness of this post. We don't always dwell on things we miss for warm and fuzzies.

There was this biatch i went to school with. And when fb came out I searched her out of pure morbid curiousity. It roughy up a lot of negative feelings but I kept doing it!!! And I am sure many a BW can confirm the searched the ex ows and had to learn self control on that.

Well we can agree to disagree but since she slept with this guy who just happened to be her husbands best friend since childhood the chances that she is reminiscing about things that made her happy is the most logical reason for her to continuously check up on the guy. She miss's him and the excitement of the affair. It is not CM's duty to wait around while she gets over her boyfriend. She is still deceiving CM or she wouldn't be doing this in secret, again, believe not what she says but her actions. You are in false reconciliation because she still has secrets from you and she still has feelings for OM. There should only be two people in a marriage, she keeps bringing a third into it.

Something that has the ability to bring her back to reality needs to take place, maybe living somewhere else for a while will give her time to think clearly. Being away from her for a while may give CM clarity too. Do not leave the decision to her, she has a history of making bad decisions.

I guess the other logical explanation would be to see where OM is going to be every week so they don't run into each other, yah, that's it.

Edited February 15, 2014 by aliveagain

February 15, 2014

. You are in false reconciliation because she still has secrets from you and she still has feelings for OM. There should only be two people in a marriage, she keeps bringing a third into it.

This!!!

I can't imagine what my husband would say if I kept an eye on my former AP. Goodbye and good riddance I suppose. How utterly disrespectful for her to do this.

There have been a few "she's just curious" posts. She doesn't get that option anymore. Not with someone she's had a secret relationship with.

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WW still stalking OM online..

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