He went back to her.... needing a talking to desperately!

[Highlight888]

Short version... We met. He was on the way to a divorce. "Wanted to finally be happy in life" I bought it.

 

We became friends then lovers then fell in love. She moved out of their home. They have 3 over 19 yr old kids still living at family home.

 

7 months of us having a blissful relationship, feeling like we found perfection, he says he thinks he still loves her and wants to try to make an effort. Said he loves me, doesn't expect me to wait but would love it if I did. Said he needed time to figure his life out and see if her moving out was really a catalyst for change for them.

 

His friends say he's a mess over it, even cried with them. They say he's very torn.

 

We agreed to work out at different gyms. He originally asked if we could be friendly....no way Jose!

 

All I have ever heard from him and his friends is how unhappy he was with her, how cold, selfish, lazy....all the things you can imagine. She even had her own A years ago.

 

Friends say give him time, he will spend time with her and realize how happy he was with me? True? The dumper, her....always promises to change. Do they really? After the honeymoon phase is over? I'm hoping behind hope that few months back there and he will regret ever going back.

 

Of course he says all the amazing things to me..."I am happiest with you. I feel warm when I think about you. I think about you all day. I want to move in when house sells. I am in love with you." Yet...she started creating into his mind and the thought of divorce panicked him.

 

I guess questions are.... When they rekindle...will it last? Will he realize he's still unhappy? Do people have the ability to really change enough to make it work? Everyone tells me to give him what he needs right now and he'll come back. Sooooo hard to let go and believe that I wasn't enough. They were married 25 years. I guess that's what I'm competing with...unhappy or not right?

 

How many have tried to give it one last shot and it didn't work? That's what I'm hoping for. That they fail.

 

Just so sad it's over between us. I really believe and know that he believes that we were perfect with each other.

 

Thanks for reading...

[snappytomcat]

im on the other side iam a bs

im sorry you are going through this,i think he has a lot of nerve to ask you to wait for him,you are not a priority in his life,i hope you don't wait for him.

my husbands ow thought he was leaving me,and moving in with her,but when push came to shove he begged me to take him back.

I wouldn't believe anything he says,he could be telling the wife the total opposite,and throwing you under the bus

[Popsicle]

I really feel for you. Talk about roller coaster... This must be heartbreaking. You're doing the right thing in going NC though.

[blue963]

This is so hard and I am so sorry you are going thru this. If its over its over. Im not sure what the right answer is, but I am not sure if I would wait.

[Ruffian1]

Sorry for your hurting. He would not go back to her if he truly loved you and wanted you forever. Not at this stage.

 

Actions. Not words.

 

Don't be plan B

[Highlight888]

Ruffian, great point! "He would not go back to her if he truly loved you." I think that has to be my mantra in helping me let go. By asking me to wait IS TELLING ME I am plan B. It is hard to think though, that the love I thought we both shared equally, wasn't so equal.

 

Thank you for the responses everyone. The support helps!

[daretotrustlove]

Highlight,

I undertand exactly what your going through. Very, very sorry for your pain. Just went there 6 wks ago, today.

5 yr LTA. Saying or typing the word "Hurt" doesn't come close. Long story short he went home to tell the W, it was over. He wanted to be together with me. He ended up staying, for what ever reason. We talked one last time to say good bye. He wouldn't go into what happened or what was said. (No Closure). He minimized us. He told her we only talked about being in love. I guess the emails, texts, card, etc.... of "I love you" 20-30 times a day, ya, he minimized it, did he throw me under the bus, probably, did he blame it all on me ????. probably.

 

Some say, that they do this, because they can't stand to see them hurt, when they know they caused the hurt. Do I believe he truly wanted to be together. IDK anymore. Do I believe he truly loved me. Yes, its hard to admit, knowing what he has done. To me, its so cruel, and hurtful. Don't think I can get over this, being its the 2nd time he's done this to me. We went NC for a year before.

 

I'm so torn between the love and hurt, your emotions will change. Shock, hurt, anger and then back again. He left the door open, but now its different. He hurt me so deeply. I just don't know. I don't trust anything anyone says, I don't even trust myself. But I do know that the longer we go NC, that it will really help me to heal. I read on a forum, something about a "fake future". OMG...talk about being hurt. I'm one to seek out the answers, I need the truth, and I know I'll never really get the whole truth. I know that actions speak louder than words.

 

There are so many reason for this to happen, and I find its common for the MM to do this to the OW. They get scared, or not ready. Or they played us, or its a co-dependant issue, or a split self issue. Who knows anymore. They are broken. Do we give them what they need, yes. Things always look different on the outside, than they do on the inside. He told me that he would think of me every night, that he would love me for the rest of his life. As I will.

 

I'm sorry I got off on a rant....it just is so hard to believe that their feelings were real, when this is what they do. I'm so sorry for your pain. Don't fight the emotional changes, go through them, and know that they will change. Take some pressure off of yourself. If you find strength in the anger, use it to help yourself.

[Highlight888]

Hi Dare... I'm sorry too for your pain. I know very much what you feel as you do I. I do believe a lot has to do with him feeling badly for hurting her. She knew about me. Even called me his girlfriend. Even his kids new...which makes me feel that I wasn't a A. They had separated. He thought it was over. I guess after 25 years, you never really want to believe there is an "over" which is where he may be now.

I'm really trying to just let go now..only been a week. I don't want to hold onto hope for months on end. It's not healthy for me. Everyone keeps saying....give him time to just sort it all out. I want to hold onto words from friends, but it's just not fair to me. To give him time while I walk in misery.

I have to live in the reality that it WILL work out for them. Right now, she's desperate, begging and promising him she will change. So I have to move on thinking it will work. Not praying that they will fail.

I hope that I don't wind up like you, with the back and forth...NC for a year and then back again. I can't imagine how hurt and sad you must feel.

I know, I am not alone and this happens every day to people, but I keep asking.....Why can't I be the one to win the lottery, just this once?

[daretotrustlove]

Why can't I be the one to win the lottery, just this once?

 

Exactly, I so get what your saying. To love someone the way I loved him, and I thought he loved me was beyond words. I know pep's say its a fantasy. It's not. We dealt with everyday issues. It was a "relationship". So sorry your hurting. Yes, we were together 3 1/2 yrs. Split for a year. He came back, and I was honest with him, if you don't want to be together, then we are going to stop. I don't know what is the truth, what is real and what is not. I'm so very broken. Pep's tell me he will be back, even with a d-day. I was a very unhappy OW. I don't share well. But I was willing to stay as long as we moved forward. I thought we were. I'm not making any decisions right now, just trying to make it through each day. I know that I will not go back to being the OW, as much as I love him, I won't do it again. Its all or nothing, and he better have the papers in hand. Hugs to you, hang in there.

[yellowmaverick]

....Why can't I be the one to win the lottery, just this once?

 

If you think he is "the lottery", you need to change your game.

[Devastated1969]

Highlight, I'm so sorry to hear your story and I can totally relate to it, I'm now at 2 weeks nc after my separated boyfriend who lived with me and (so I thought) we were so happy, lots of love and fun times, plans for the future, met his parents, he had met mine, etc, suddenly announced he needed to go back to his wife and kids as him being away was causing them all too much pain.... Totally devastated and feel in despair right now... I know I have to move forward and try and let him go and work on his marriage but I can't believe it all meant nothing :-(

 

I just want to know how he's feeling but guess he must be happy with his decision as he made it.

[GettingOver]

My MM, bring slightly pushed by me for some decision making, told his parents and close friends about me. They turned to be against "me" and told him he would have been an irresponsible ass for choosing me at whatever time point. As a result he decided to do marriage counseling to figure himself out - I swear, he was so torn and stressed as I have never seen him. He did not ask to wait or smth - it was my decision. We kept seeing each other along with his MC. I still don't know what's the outcome, but it definitely is not working properly and it is not what he truly wants, as if he wanted to work on the M, he would have cut contact moth me. The thing is - some men, like mine and perhaps yours, take too much responsibility for everyone on themselves, especially when it comes to kids. I don't think your man just changed in 24 hours, no. I think he is 1. Hurting 2. Fooling himself 3. Is eaten by guilt 4. Needs to make sure he did everything to save the family for the sake of the kids, or whatever other relatives. Men are not just all evel monsters, they get messed up, stressed, they also suffer and cry. Things are not always just black and white. Very difficult situation and up to you what you want to do - i just wanted to share my experience. If you really want him and need him, NC will not really help. We tried several times. You have to want to give up on this, otherwise it's not gonna work.

[daretotrustlove]

I have to wonder, do they even think about what they have said to us. What it does to us. Does it not mean anything to them. Are we disposable people. I feel that way now. I still feel like this isn't real. I wish I could get the truth from him. It would make it easier to move on. It truly hurts.

[jwi71]

I have to wonder, do they even think about what they have said to us. What it does to us. Does it not mean anything to them.

 

Sure they do. Being an asshat doesn't make one less than human...just an asshat. It is truly rare to read, when they infrequently appear, of WS not having guilt provided they weren't intentionally lying to the AP. They do understand the pain caused to spouse and AP...as well as being all too aware of the pain they inflict on themselves, their children and etc.

 

When they HAVE appeared...they are usually advised to NOT contact the AP with "I'm sorry". It isn't well received, is likely to re-open old wounds in both and, lets face it, the apology itself is more for the WS and his/her guilt than the concern for the feelings of the AP. Hollow at best. And, truthfully...nothing to be gained be either party....because....

 

Would you believe him? Is there some question or series of questions that make it any less painful? Do you wish to hear he didn't love you but enjoyed "playing house", wild sex and feeling young again? Or is it better to hear how he truly madly deeply loves...but can't be with you for <insert reason here>. Something in between the extremes? Some combination thereof? Some <reason> which excuses his behavior?

 

Nothing. None of that helps. There is no answer. Well at least not one that brings closure. And that's because closure comes from WITHIN. Ask yourself what reason or answer makes this better...then believe it and hold it as true. Might as well, you won't be able to truly believe him anyway. What happens is the never-ending cycle of "what-if" or "maybe he really meant"... So we'll make up our own answers...our own closure...and move on with some hard lessons learned. Sucks that the hard lessons are the best ones...why can't there be easy lessons?

 

Are we disposable people

No. Lets not give into despair now. The lows, I promise, fade if you let them. So, lets let them fade away...all the baggage you carry is only that which you refuse to set down.

 

(so put it down)

 

I feel that way now. I still feel like this isn't real. I wish I could get the truth from him. It would make it easier to move on. It truly hurts.

And what truth would that be?

Would you believe it? Or even recognize it? Would it even REALLY matter?

 

No.No.No.and No. I think that's the right number of "no's".

 

I would suggest, if you can manage, to destroy, erase, purge and block everything pertaining to him. I have no hopes of you doing so...so lets lock them away for now. Buy a lockable cash box at Staples or something and lock it inside. Place the keys clear across the house attached to a note that says "don't use".

 

Lean on friends, family and...in absence of others...LS. Lose yourself in some hobby. You can't move forward if you always look back into the past.