Author escafeld Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 I'd like your input on my post if you'd like to:)Forgive me AnneT, I had read your post but forgot to offer feedback. It goes without saying there is a package deal/baggage that needs to be accepted when you are dealing with blended families. The ex will always be part of your current partner's life- however I don't think that OP disputes that in the least. Maintaining a cordial relationship with one's ex for the sake of the kids is one thing and an awesome thing...poor boundaries are a completely different issue. I care for and get along with many people that I don't allow to help themselves to my house when they please nor would they. 2 different issues entirely- this is a boundary issue and you are the master of your own boundaries, as your partner is the master of hers. Yes, you're absolutely right, I've no grievous issue with the ex hubby at all, in fact I like the guy. It is a boundaries issue though and as I said earlier, I'd have the same problem with anyone arriving at my home unannounced, the problem here is that I can't choose whether to answer the door and let him in My partner is more angry about it than I am, but appreciates she has to pick her moment to have the necessary dialogue with him, as it's an issue which you'll appreciate has to be handled delicately. Funnily enough he hasn't been round this week, so maybe there were some subliminal messages passing between them when he was last here..she can sport a pretty mean scowl! Thanks again for your input, your sage words are much appreciated
Author escafeld Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 hmmm. 4 time a week is stupidity. aand i start thinking that he is there for himself? i als think that if you investigate it may be that the kids dont even ask to come that much to your home. but they enjoy it maybe every time. if that woman is serious about you and not into her ex she would make a team with you and discus with you the boundaries that is important for both. and then make a stand and she need to tell her ex and you need to support her in that. it cant be that the ex feels better in the house then you as new bf. he can also let the kids and leave , he can also take them all to his home. once a week is also enough for the kids to bound and also its better for them to come when your gf is at home. because at the end its all her mess and business if i can say so. so she need to be there to handle it. and im shore she agreed with him at some point to come along with the kids and feel comfortable. but i think she may have forgot to adjust the rules once she got with you. it also sound like a huge disrespect i think for her ex to be alone with her new bf like they suppose to make it work. she need to step up and take care of the her situation. let her also know that 4 time a week stand in your way to work. Thanks for your observations Chopstickz.
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 but appreciates she has to pick her moment to have the necessary dialogue with him, as it's an issue which you'll appreciate has to be handled delicately. I don't understand why it's so hard to just tell him that he can't just drop in whenever he feels like it and stay for hours on end, and make himself at home. That he needs to call first, make arrangements and then drop the kids off. That he should understand that there are boundaries which include him not 'hanging out' in his ex's house and making himself at home. He's a grown man, not a child! It's one thing to drop in once in a while, but what he is doing is excessive and invasive!
AnneT1985 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Forgive me AnneT, I had read your post but forgot to offer feedback. Sorry I worded that wrong. My advice and responses are free you certainly don't have to respond! I meant I also have a post on this thread from a few days back where I asked a question and got some great feedback and was wondering if you'd also like to offer an opinion:) But by all means certainly no obligation!
Author escafeld Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 I don't understand why it's so hard to just tell him that he can't just drop in whenever he feels like it and stay for hours on end, and make himself at home. That he needs to call first, make arrangements and then drop the kids off. That he should understand that there are boundaries which include him not 'hanging out' in his ex's house and making himself at home. He's a grown man, not a child! It's one thing to drop in once in a while, but what he is doing is excessive and invasive! I think the concern is how such dialogue might be perceived or fed back to their children, that's why it needs to be handled diplomatically at an opportune time.
Author escafeld Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Sorry I worded that wrong. My advice and responses are free you certainly don't have to respond! I meant I also have a post on this thread from a few days back where I asked a question and got some great feedback and was wondering if you'd also like to offer an opinion:) But by all means certainly no obligation! Haha..oops, Ill have a look and report accordingly!
FitChick Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Haven't read the whole thread. It seems pretty clear cut. No one should drop in unexpectedly on anyone. That is just bad manners. Talk and set up play dates for the kids on one or two days per week. Every Thursday and Sunday, for example. That way everyone can plan around those days to do things without everyone else. Also, request 24-hr notice at least for other visits. Because you work at home you've got a great excuse for doing this, unlike some other unlucky sods. Doesn't the other guy work?
Tayken Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Haven't read the whole thread. It seems pretty clear cut. No one should drop in unexpectedly on anyone. That is just bad manners. Talk and set up play dates for the kids on one or two days per week. Every Thursday and Sunday, for example. That way everyone can plan around those days to do things without everyone else. Also, request 24-hr notice at least for other visits. Because you work at home you've got a great excuse for doing this, unlike some other unlucky sods. Doesn't the other guy work? Perhaps you should read the thread.....The OP is a lodger at his new partner's place, and before he came along, there was already a status quo of this He does have one option...if he doesn't like it, he can go get his own place cos as it is right now, he is caught between his partner, and her relationship with her ex that she has kids with
chelsea2011 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Yeah. Move out and learn to set boundaries for yoursef before you get involved again. I'm learning that now.
Author escafeld Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Perhaps you should read the thread.....The OP is a lodger at his new partner's place, and before he came along, there was already a status quo of this He does have one option...if he doesn't like it, he can go get his own place cos as it is right now, he is caught between his partner, and her relationship with her ex that she has kids with As I said previously, the visits often occur when my partner is out at work, so she was unaware of many of them until I moved in and pointed them out to her. I dont know why you place such emphasis on the status quo-life changes, circumstances change. I live with my partner at her invitation, after full discussion with her children presumably because they see the benefits of the association.
Author escafeld Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Yeah. Move out and learn to set boundaries for yoursef before you get involved again. I'm learning that now. Move out? For what reason?
Author escafeld Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Haven't read the whole thread. It seems pretty clear cut. No one should drop in unexpectedly on anyone. That is just bad manners. Talk and set up play dates for the kids on one or two days per week. Every Thursday and Sunday, for example. That way everyone can plan around those days to do things without everyone else. Also, request 24-hr notice at least for other visits. Because you work at home you've got a great excuse for doing this, unlike some other unlucky sods. Doesn't the other guy work? The 'other' guy' is semi retired with a new family, my partner's children with him are mid/late teens, so effectively young adults.
Author escafeld Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 Just to update everyone who showed an interest in this thread. My partner had a coffee with her ex and outlined the problem. He was mortified to have been insensitive and explained it was how it had always been and just didn't think about the potential for it to cause a problem. Things back on an even keel now, and I highly respect my partner for grasping the nettle and also her ex for responding positively rather than taking his bat home! 1
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