escafeld Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Hello everyone, would appreciate an independent perspective on this one. Basically, I've recently moved in with my partner. She's a divorcee (8 years) with teenage children. She has a good relationship with her ex who's remarried and has children with his new partner. My problem is that he's constantly calling in with his partner and new kids (toddlers) supposedly so they can spend time with their older siblings. He does this regularly sometimes 4 times a week and makes himself at home (making drinks, getting food from the fridge, going upstairs to use the bathroom, even though there's one downstairs.) Last weekend they were here for over 3 hours, watching TV with all the kids and left leaving the attendant mess you can imagine a group of kids can create. I work from home, so he and his entourage turning up at 3pm in the afternoon disrupts my routine and to make matters worse my partner is often not in as she works some distance away..so Im left dealing with them on my own! They're all nice enough to be fair, but whilst my grievance is trivial it is irksome and I feel he's not maintaining the appropriate boundaries and disrespecting mine. My partner agrees, but says because their joint kids are reluctant to spend time at his house that they wouldn't have a relationship with their younger siblings, my view is by facilitating this current situation there's no reason for them (the kids) or he to change the status quo. Does anyone have any suggestions in how to best deal with this diplomatically? Thanks in advance. Ps I should point out this isn't the former matrimonial home, so there's no emotional ownership from his point of view.
AnneT1985 Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I understand your partner's perspective- and yours. Sounds like she is in a tough spot but definitely sounds like your boundaries are not being crossed in your home so what I would do is have a frank discussion with your partner- it's really up to her to set boundaries with her ex. I think it's nice of you to have them spend time together and they should continue to do so. Tell your partner what your boundaries are. If she does not respect them and have a discussion with the ex about your boundaries, you can make a decision from there. But I'd definitely let her be the one to have a conversation with her ex. I hope this helps:)
Author escafeld Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 I understand your partner's perspective- and yours. Sounds like she is in a tough spot but definitely sounds like your boundaries are not being crossed in your home so what I would do is have a frank discussion with your partner- it's really up to her to set boundaries with her ex. I think it's nice of you to have them spend time together and they should continue to do so. Tell your partner what your boundaries are. If she does not respect them and have a discussion with the ex about your boundaries, you can make a decision from there. But I'd definitely let her be the one to have a conversation with her ex. I hope this helps:) Thanks for your observations AnneT1985, that's pretty much the position I've adopted. My partner is cognitive and recognises the the problems and the delicacy that they need to be handled with. Having spoken to her last night, she feels the best strategy is to encourage her kids to spend more time at their fathers' whilst that achieves the objective of him not calling to her house all the time, it doesn't set those all important boundaries!
salparadise Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Thanks for your observations AnneT1985, that's pretty much the position I've adopted. My partner is cognitive and recognises the the problems and the delicacy that they need to be handled with. Having spoken to her last night, she feels the best strategy is to encourage her kids to spend more time at their fathers' whilst that achieves the objective of him not calling to her house all the time, it doesn't set those all important boundaries! If she's this oblivious I see no problem with you setting and enforcing your own boundaries, both with your partner and her ex. I'd start off by telling her exactly what you expect and if she doesn't respect that then you take control of the situation. The ex needs to be told straight up that a) he needs to schedule visits in advance, b) that there will be no visits during your work hours unless it's at his house, and c) that this is about the kids, so when he does drop them off not to come in and make himself at home. If he wants to hang out with them all together then it happens at his house, on his time. It's hard enough to be in a blended family without having to deal with a partner and her ex having virtually no boundaries. I'd have to tell her that you didn't sign on to be in a three-way relationship with her and her ex, and that you really don't care to be spending any time with him, much less playing host and accommodating him as if he has as much right to be there as you do. I would not find this the least bit tolerable. I'd be probably be rethinking the whole arrangement at this point. 1
Tayken Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Does anyone have any suggestions in how to best deal with this diplomatically? Me me me.....Probably not what you want to hear, but I shoot from the hip...May I suggest that the moment you decided to move in with your partner, you pretty much lost all your rights, considering there might have been a history of this "dropping in" before you came along This is a typical example of what happens when ex's are still "friends" and a new partner gets caught up in this malarkey. If you want this to go away / stop pronto.....Get your own place, make your partner let her ex know this, and you can damn well rest assured that he won't just show up at your home alone let alone with his "entourage" If it happens and you give it to him straight the first time by the door...you will never see him again. That is what I'll do Again folks...for whatever reason you decide to move in with a woman (not to pay bills, convenience etc), always think of the "what if" situations...where do you go then, back to mom and dad? Personally, I have too much pride to ever do that, and it's one of the things on my list of h3ll nah
what_a_blonde Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 I think you have every right to express how you feel, and that you NEED to set boundaries. Yes, even though this has been going on for a while its not too late to draw some boundaries. This is your home and there needs to be some respect. I think it is so weird that the ex can just come in and make himself at home, personally I just don't find that appropriate. He needs to also know the lines between having a good relationship between you and his children's mother, while also giving you both the space you deserve. I would suggest telling your wife how you feel, how it disrupts your working from home, and request that they only come over during "after-work" hours so hopefully that will involve when she is home as well, so you're not left dealing with this all by yourself. ***On a side note, I do have a story to share that is VERY similar to your situation. ..... My favorite aunt and uncle got a divorce (uncle got into drugs and some really bad, shady activities), and about 5 years after the divorce my aunt met a new partner. He was a wonderful man, so patient and giving, and really helped my aunt and teenage cousin turn their lives around. About 2 years into their relationship, her new partner finds out he has terminal brain cancer. It was very, very sad. Nonetheless, when I made a trip out to Arizona to visit them, I was SHOCKED when we were all sitting in the living room, the garage door starts to open, and in walks... MY UNCLE (like it was nothing). Later my aunt told me that she felt bad not allowing him to come over since this WAS their house together, and she pretty much stuck him for everything he had in the divorce, and now he's struggling to make it. So, he still has a key to the house and comes just about every day. Her new future husband, who is dying of terminal cancer, really doesn't have a say in it.... because he is so kind and loving and just wants her to be happy. Nonetheless, I was SO bothered that she would allow her ex-husband to freely roam their house and make himself at home (sometimes staying the night), while her current partner is in some of the last months of his life. *** I know this is VERY far off from your situation, however it really struck a chord when I read your story. I really hope you can work something out with your wife to where she will understand how you both need to have the privacy you deserve in your new marriage to one another. Best of luck.
GoreSP Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 If you don't want to deal with an ex partner, don't couple up with someone who has kids from a previous union. By all means, tell your partner it's making you uncomfortable he 'makes himself at home' so much, but if he wants to swing by every day to see his daughter, he may very well do so.
salparadise Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 If you don't want to deal with an ex partner, don't couple up with someone who has kids from a previous union. By all means, tell your partner it's making you uncomfortable he 'makes himself at home' so much, but if he wants to swing by every day to see his daughter, he may very well do so. Say whaaaat? This is just plain wrong. Dating a woman with kids does not mean that you must have a relationship with her ex, entertain him, allow drop-in visits or anything of the sort. This is an issue because of her having no boundaries and being essentially clueless, not because of the fact that she has kids. As for dropping by every day to see his daughter... bzzzt on that one too. That's just crazy sh*t. I've dated several women with kids and the closest I ever got to their ex's was seeing their picture. For most people, the kids visit the other parent at the other parent's place and there is no interaction whatsoever required at pickup/drop off times. I wouldn't tolerate the crap that the OP is experiencing for five minutes. 3
GoreSP Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Say whaaaat? This is just plain wrong. Dating a woman with kids does not mean that you must have a relationship with her ex, entertain him, allow drop-in visits or anything of the sort. This is an issue because of her having no boundaries and being essentially clueless, not because of the fact that she has kids. As for dropping by every day to see his daughter... bzzzt on that one too. That's just crazy sh*t. I've dated several women with kids and the closest I ever got to their ex's was seeing their picture. For most people, the kids visit the other parent at the other parent's place and there is no interaction whatsoever required at pickup/drop off times. I wouldn't tolerate the crap that the OP is experiencing for five minutes. No it's not. The new partner doesn't get to say how often the old partner gets to see his child. Period. Like I said, if you really don't want to deal with an ex, don't get coupled up with someone who has kids from a previous union. 1
Tayken Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 No it's not. The new partner doesn't get to say how often the old partner gets to see his child. Period. Like I said, if you really don't want to deal with an ex, don't get coupled up with someone who has kids from a previous union. This.....and the new guy has the option of moving out and getting "his own place" I guess he missed the part when his gf told him that she "comes as a package" 1
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Ask the ex to take the kids to his house, this way you get a break. The new partner doesn't get to say how often the old partner gets to see his child. Period. True, but the ex shouldn't be hanging out in the ex's new place, helping himself to food and making himself at home for hours. Why not take ALL the kids somewhere, to a movie or back to his house? Why drop in unannounced and assume it's okay. 4 times a week is excessive. He can drop the kids off as well, he doesn't need to stay and hang out. 2
Author escafeld Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 If she's this oblivious I see no problem with you setting and enforcing your own boundaries, both with your partner and her ex. I'd start off by telling her exactly what you expect and if she doesn't respect that then you take control of the situation. The ex needs to be told straight up that a) he needs to schedule visits in advance, b) that there will be no visits during your work hours unless it's at his house, and c) that this is about the kids, so when he does drop them off not to come in and make himself at home. If he wants to hang out with them all together then it happens at his house, on his time. It's hard enough to be in a blended family without having to deal with a partner and her ex having virtually no boundaries. I'd have to tell her that you didn't sign on to be in a three-way relationship with her and her ex, and that you really don't care to be spending any time with him, much less playing host and accommodating him as if he has as much right to be there as you do. I would not find this the least bit tolerable. I'd be probably be rethinking the whole arrangement at this point. Fantastic, thanks salparadise!
Author escafeld Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Me me me.....Probably not what you want to hear, but I shoot from the hip...May I suggest that the moment you decided to move in with your partner, you pretty much lost all your rights, considering there might have been a history of this "dropping in" before you came along You're absolutely right Tayken, I'd met the ex an his entourage long before I moved in, he even invited me out at Xmas with his friends, so he does want a cordial relationship. I'm not keen on scorching the earth over this, and his former relationship with my ex isn't entirely the issue, after all I don't like my own friends dropping in on me unannounced! This is a typical example of what happens when ex's are still "friends" and a new partner gets caught up in this malarkey. Again no problem with that, and Im sure he'll resond positively to having the boundaries pointed out. If you want this to go away / stop pronto.....Get your own place, make your partner let her ex know this, and you can damn well rest assured that he won't just show up at your home alone let alone with his "entourage" LOL, probably very true! I actually still have my own place but the benefits of living there are outweighed by being with my partner If it happens and you give it to him straight the first time by the door...you will never see him again. That is what I'll do My relationship with my partner's do important to be issuing ultimatums to him on the doorstep! Again folks...for whatever reason you decide to move in with a woman (not to pay bills, convenience etc), always think of the "what if" situations...where do you go then, back to mom and dad? Personally, I have too much pride to ever do that, and it's one of the things on my list of h3ll nahIt's not likely to get to a moving out situation..hopefully.
Author escafeld Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 I think you have every right to express how you feel, and that you NEED to set boundaries. Yes, even though this has been going on for a while its not too late to draw some boundaries. This is your home and there needs to be some respect. I think it is so weird that the ex can just come in and make himself at home, personally I just don't find that appropriate. He needs to also know the lines between having a good relationship between you and his children's mother, while also giving you both the space you deserve. I would suggest telling your wife how you feel, how it disrupts your working from home, and request that they only come over during "after-work" hours so hopefully that will involve when she is home as well, so you're not left dealing with this all by yourself. That's a very good point, thank you. ***On a side note, I do have a story to share that is VERY similar to your situation. ..... My favorite aunt and uncle got a divorce (uncle got into drugs and some really bad, shady activities), and about 5 years after the divorce my aunt met a new partner. He was a wonderful man, so patient and giving, and really helped my aunt and teenage cousin turn their lives around. About 2 years into their relationship, her new partner finds out he has terminal brain cancer. It was very, very sad. Nonetheless, when I made a trip out to Arizona to visit them, I was SHOCKED when we were all sitting in the living room, the garage door starts to open, and in walks... MY UNCLE (like it was nothing). Later my aunt told me that she felt bad not allowing him to come over since this WAS their house together, and she pretty much stuck him for everything he had in the divorce, and now he's struggling to make it. So, he still has a key to the house and comes just about every day. Her new future husband, who is dying of terminal cancer, really doesn't have a say in it.... because he is so kind and loving and just wants her to be happy. Nonetheless, I was SO bothered that she would allow her ex-husband to freely roam their house and make himself at home (sometimes staying the night), while her current partner is in some of the last months of his life. *** I know this is VERY far off from your situation, however it really struck a chord when I read your story. I really hope you can work something out with your wife to where she will understand how you both need to have the privacy you deserve in your new marriage to one another. Best of luck. Blimey, I feel four your aunt's current partner, sounds like she's quite blind on the emotion scale!
Author escafeld Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 If you don't want to deal with an ex partner, don't couple up with someone who has kids from a previous union. By all means, tell your partner it's making you uncomfortable he 'makes himself at home' so much, but if he wants to swing by every day to see his daughter, he may very well do so. I've no problem 'dealing' with my ex's partner, he plays an important role in the lives of their children and I admire him for that. My problem is the unannounced/univited visits..I have children with my ex and wouldnt dream about swinging by every day to see them!
AnneT1985 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 It goes without saying there is a package deal/baggage that needs to be accepted when you are dealing with blended families. The ex will always be part of your current partner's life- however I don't think that OP disputes that in the least. Maintaining a cordial relationship with one's ex for the sake of the kids is one thing and an awesome thing...poor boundaries are a completely different issue. I care for and get along with many people that I don't allow to help themselves to my house when they please nor would they. 2 different issues entirely- this is a boundary issue and you are the master of your own boundaries, as your partner is the master of hers. 2
Author escafeld Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Ask the ex to take the kids to his house, this way you get a break.They used to have a strict residency regime, but now the kids are older they choose to spend most time with Mum, I guess I should regard it as a compliment that they're still happy to hang around now Ive moved in. My partner did discuss this with him at the weekend and the fact we have little time to ourselves and his reply was we should spend more weekends away, it wasn't really the response she was hoping for!
Author escafeld Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 No it's not. The new partner doesn't get to say how often the old partner gets to see his child. Period. Like I said, if you really don't want to deal with an ex, don't get coupled up with someone who has kids from a previous union. I think you've caught the wrong end of the stick, Im not dictating how often he should see his children. He lives very close by and accommodate them as often as he likes, neither me, nor my partner would complain about that! I don't know how old you are but generally people in middle age have children, but I wouldn't seek out those who havent just to avoid these issues anyway. 1
Author escafeld Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 This.....and the new guy has the option of moving out and getting "his own place" I guess he missed the part when his gf told him that she "comes as a package" Forgive me, but I don't recall pointing out having any difficulties with my partner, her children or the relationship that has to be maintained with their father. 1
salparadise Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 My partner did discuss this with him at the weekend and the fact we have little time to ourselves and his reply was we should spend more weekends away, it wasn't really the response she was hoping for! Well, you can't blame the dude for trying... he'd probably be willing to house sit for you on those weekends away! Considering that you want to maintain good relationships all the way around, my thinking is that your partner needs to do two things- tell the kids that they WILL be spending regularly scheduled time at their father's house, and tell the exH that he will need to schedule visits at times that are convenient for the two of you (assuming you're ok with him being in the house at all). Schedule him for 7-10 pm on Friday or Saturday and make dinner reservations for two at the same time.
Author escafeld Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Well, you can't blame the dude for trying... he'd probably be willing to house sit for you on those weekends away! He's done that before in the past! Don't get me wrong he's a smart guy, semi-retired professional with a good lifestyle so it isn't just about the conveniency of residency, personally I think they've got used to lazy thinking/behaviour styles and adjusting to the new regime (me being here). Considering that you want to maintain good relationships all the way around, my thinking is that your partner needs to do two things- tell the kids that they WILL be spending regularly scheduled time at their father's house, and tell the exH that he will need to schedule visits at times that are convenient for the two of you (assuming you're ok with him being in the house at all). Schedule him for 7-10 pm on Friday or Saturday and make dinner reservations for two at the same time. This is part of the problem, for some reason the kids simply refuse to accept dedicated time at their dad's, and to avoid rocking the boat I suspect my ex has let it slide for an easy life (she has a v demanding job). I can't deny that Im filling the parenting void as far as she's concerned (which I have no problem with) and possibly the ex feels threatened by this, hence his constant appearances. I think the residency thing has to be re-visited as you suggested, and if they did a couple of days a week at his, that would be enough to feed his soul and there's too hopefully.
Tayken Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Forgive me, but I don't recall pointing out having any difficulties with my partner, her children or the relationship that has to be maintained with their father. But you sure have difficulties with the status quo don't ya? In life, you can't have it all your way, and that seems to be the problem for some people.....some have mentioned that you knew your partner had kids and an intrusive ex, but you still went ahead Option two.....if you do have your own place as you claim, then move back there and have your partner come visit you / stay. At least then the ex will know that it's is your place, and won't just show up willy nilly.....
Author escafeld Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 But you sure have difficulties with the status quo don't ya? In life, you can't have it all your way, and that seems to be the problem for some people.....some have mentioned that you knew your partner had kids and an intrusive ex, but you still went ahead Option two.....if you do have your own place as you claim, then move back there and have your partner come visit you / stay. At least then the ex will know that it's is your place, and won't just show up willy nilly..... I'm not quite sure who's OP you're reading, but it certainly isn't mine.
AnneT1985 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Not to worry, you sound reasonable with your question:)
AnneT1985 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I'd like your input on my post if you'd like to:)
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