Popsicle Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 This is a thread for you to post in if you feel like "What the hell was I thinking in falling for a MM/MW?" Every time I see a new picture of MM's wife I think this.... It's sobering. Until I again later delude myself into thinking that we had something special. Hopefully this stops. 1
inappfriendly Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Perfect timing on this post! Although I hate to admit it, I still have a few pics of exMM from when we used to send them back and forth. I know, I know, get rid of them...but that is for another thread! Of the few that I have, he is only sort of smiling in one. In the others he just looks sad. It reminds me what a sad, tortured man he is. I thought I could make him happy. At the time I thought I WAS making him happy but the evidence shows otherwise. What the hell was I thinking?! 1
Lessons Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Yes . . . perfect timing for me, too. After two years of a very intense affair, I broke it off in September . . .then I broke NC in December, and we resumed the affair. What the Hell was I thinking ?!?!? Today is day three of NC, Second Round. This time I will make it stick! 2
LilGirlandOW Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Love this thread! I am embarassed I was ever the OW, the the fawk was I thinking to get into this situation?! I am now with my (xM)M and after the A fog settled the shame of being the OW rolled in quickly. Knowingly having sex and falling in love and everything else we did together all of the clandestine texts, calls, gifts, dates, everything... all the while he was living with the woman he married!!! He still to this day says that since he and I met, I've been his heart and his love, his #1.... when really I was a calculated homewrecker cause I was the knowingly OW. WHAT was I thinking?@!@ 4
Author Popsicle Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 Love this thread! I am embarassed I was ever the OW, the the fawk was I thinking to get into this situation?! I am now with my (xM)M and after the A fog settled the shame of being the OW rolled in quickly. Knowingly having sex and falling in love and everything else we did together all of the clandestine texts, calls, gifts, dates, everything... all the while he was living with the woman he married!!! He still to this day says that since he and I met, I've been his heart and his love, his #1.... when really I was a calculated homewrecker cause I was the knowingly OW. WHAT was I thinking?@!@ Wow! Thanks for contributing. 1
Waverly Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 There is a pretty constant loop going through my head of just "What the f was I thinking...??" In my case (and I feel like I may be blasted for this), my xAP and I have had feelings for each other since the day we met almost ten years ago. It's...complicated (isn't it always?) but I knew it and never did anything about it. We finally had an EA and then PA last year. Both of us are furious at ourselves for never having pursued this years and years ago, when we could have actually been together. But, we didn't, and now I get to beat myself up for that and for letting myself become the OW. Not just letting myself, but choosing to. That's not who I want to be, it's not the kind of person I want to be, it's not the example I want to give to my kids, it's not the kind of person my husband deserves. Oh, and my xMM is a mess too, and has fallen off the wagon since this ended. I want to help... and I can't. It's not my place, and there's nothing I can do, and it's kind of my fault anyway. (I have another thread about this.) inappfriendly, I still have a few pictures as well. I look at them and just feel so unbelievably sad about this whole mess. So yeah. Getting over the guilt of it all is going to take me a while. 2
Author Popsicle Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 Mostly what I feel is insecurity. Like I could never be as good as his wife. This might be a little bit different than what most of the OW here think.
inappfriendly Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Popsicle, that is exactly how I think! It is ridiculously unfounded insecurity. I know I am attractive, smart, kind, sexy, friendly, blah blah blah but I STILL compare myself to her and wonder why he chose her. Specifically her LOVE over mine. Again, my brain realizes how crazy this is. He made the responsible, reasonable decision to keep his family intact. My heart, however, will forever be in competition with her. 3
Waverly Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Oooh, I can so relate. I have never met his wife (and hope I never do), but I incessantly wonder why he chose her over me, and what is so wonderful about her. He could tell me a thousand times over that he can't leave his kids to move thousands of miles away, and I can easily look at a map of the country to understand why we're not together -- but I also cannot get over this jealousy/insecurity. For years before we went from friends to the A, he would tell me that they really didn't have anything in common, etc. But it doesn't matter at all. In my normal life, I'm reasonably self-confident. But this? This seriously messes with me. "That way madness lies..." 1
bentleychic Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Mostly what I feel is insecurity. Like I could never be as good as his wife. This might be a little bit different than what most of the OW here think. I don't think that's uncommon at all, actually. 1
Author Popsicle Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 (edited) I don't think that's uncommon at all, actually. Is isn't? Oh okay. Well I think she is better than me. I feel like I can't compete in any way shape or form. She and I are total opposites and I think he prefers her type. Oooh, I can so relate. I have never met his wife (and hope I never do), but I incessantly wonder why he chose her over me, and what is so wonderful about her. He could tell me a thousand times over that he can't leave his kids to move thousands of miles away, and I can easily look at a map of the country to understand why we're not together -- but I also cannot get over this jealousy/insecurity. For years before we went from friends to the A, he would tell me that they really didn't have anything in common, etc. But it doesn't matter at all. In my normal life, I'm reasonably self-confident. But this? This seriously messes with me. "That way madness lies..." You sound more confident than me. Edited February 15, 2014 by Popsicle
Zebra Queen Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Long time lurker, finally weighing in Dating and living with a now dMM, then MM. Our life together is great in many ways. Still, what was I thinking dating a MM. Yes they had problems before me, yes the M was almost dead before he met me. Yes, I grew a conscience and left and they decided to divorce without my interference. Yes, they had no kids. I'm ashamed I went against my morals and hurt another woman. I'm sorry she won't accept my apology (though no reason she should). His family accepts me but is still close to her. I wish I'd never been a OM and had waited till they had been done. BS's here, I'm so sorry someone like me hurt you. I truly am sorry for the one I hurt, and should my R end will never help another person cheat again. 3
Author Popsicle Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 Long time lurker, finally weighing in Dating and living with a now dMM, then MM. Our life together is great in many ways. Still, what was I thinking dating a MM. Yes they had problems before me, yes the M was almost dead before he met me. Yes, I grew a conscience and left and they decided to divorce without my interference. Yes, they had no kids. I'm ashamed I went against my morals and hurt another woman. I'm sorry she won't accept my apology (though no reason she should). His family accepts me but is still close to her. I wish I'd never been a OM and had waited till they had been done. BS's here, I'm so sorry someone like me hurt you. I truly am sorry for the one I hurt, and should my R end will never help another person cheat again. In rereading your post, I noticed that you said that you left and let him decide this on his own and that they'd had problems before you came along. I think you are conflicted about whether or not you contributed in some way to the demise of his marriage. This is a thought that overwhelmed me, as well, as an OW. Now that I am out of the A fog, I can see that this is a question that you will never know the answer to. It is so complex and nuanced (and would require his help and for him to be uncharacteristically self-aware), that, in your position, it's not even worth beating yourself up over. I think you should just let it go and enjoy your life. 2
inappfriendly Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Coming back to this thread because I have been having an enormous amount of "What the hell was I thinking" moments lately. Finally accepting the sad truth that MM used me for attention and sex. Sigh. He basically was telling me this the entire A when he admitted that those two things were what he was lacking at home. After DDay, when we were still in contact, he must have been just living it up. Between the hysterical bonding with his W and being wanted and fought for by TWO women, his emotional voids must have been not only filled but overflowing! My WTHWIT moment now in retrospect is total disbelief that I could throw myself so shamelessly at him, literally begging for his attention, while he was clearly staying put at home. He kept me hanging by a thread until he was confident his W wasn't going to kick him out. I have been suffering and wondering for so long how he could just go on with his life and leave me emotionally shattered and now it is crystal clear: he got what he needed from me and as a result of A, he is now getting it at home. I am a smart girl with the attention of lots of people in all areas of my life yet I so desperately needed it from him. What the hell was I thinking!?! 7
gettingstronger Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Inapp- your post was amazing- I am a BS and I love the honesty you have with yourself-I think you will be a treasure to an available man you meet because you have the ability to see what your situation was all about- I am disgusted by my husbands behavior yet I see the same willingness to take responsibility for what he did and learn from it- I wish it never happened but I think being able to really say the things he does about himself shows incredible courage-I think the same about you- I am unsure if I would be able to be so honest about me and I pray I never have to- stay strong and good luck- 2
Zebra Queen Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Inapp - you gave me some great advice, to forgive myself and I think you should do the same. We are both women who clearly care about others despite doing something that hurt them (hence the guilt). I agree you will make a wonderful girlfriend for the right single man and I wish you all the best. Thank you for creating this thread that finally helped me get out of lurking. 1
Author Popsicle Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 Inapp - you gave me some great advice, to forgive myself and I think you should do the same. We are both women who clearly care about others despite doing something that hurt them (hence the guilt). I agree you will make a wonderful girlfriend for the right single man and I wish you all the best. Thank you for creating this thread that finally helped me get out of lurking. I created the thread. Lol.
Zebra Queen Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Popsicle, you're right, this is your thread, sorry about that, when I replied it was on page two and I didn't see the thread starter. Wonderful thread. 1
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