funnywoman Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) Hi, I would like some feedback on a question I have regarding my 18 month relationship. We are very happy together. Both of us have kids from other marriages. The youngest is a senior in high school, his daughter. He is very wealthy, I am not. I teach school, so not a lot of money coming in on my side. What I am wondering is this: Can our relationship work long term? Sometimes I think I will be resentful of the money he spend on his children, such as their cars, schools, vacations, etc. It is hard for me to give to my kids, they don't expect it, but at times, it would be so nice to be able to help them more than I am able right now. I'm not saying I want him to do for mine what he does for his, but I am concerned that I may be resentful at some point. Also, he is building a beautiful house and wants me to ok everything about it, which I do. But, when he talks about the spare rooms, he talks of making them suitable for his kids, and no mention of mine, or what they might like. Also, it bothers me that he has not asked me to marry him, just acts like I'll be living there. I don't want to sound like I expect anything from him for myself or my children, I don't. I am simply wondering if at some point, it might bother me that he doesn't consider my kids. Also, my personality is such that I am very giving. I do and always would consider him and his entire family and if I had it to give, and any of them had a need, I would give whatever was needed. Edited February 14, 2014 by funnywoman left out something
mukkrakker Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I don't want to sound like I expect anything from him for myself or my children There's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be entitled to this info, but there's only one way to find out - you have to sit down and talk about your future together... 2
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 There's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be entitled to this info, but there's only one way to find out - you have to sit down and talk about your future together... Yep...18 months is way too long to be "guessing" about his feelings about marriage...it's a long overdue conversation if it's something that's important to you.
MyEvilTwin Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 If the new house doesn't belong to both of you, then why live there? If there's no marriage, then why live there? You don't have to, you know. You can continue with this relationship until some semblance of equality in consideration--not necessarily monetarily--but in consideration of decision making, feelings, needs, wants, are discussed, or you can make up your own mind at some point that this relationship may never achieve equality. He doesn't owe you anything monetarily, as you do realize, and meshing the two families into one would only happen through the act of marriage, and even then there might be a prenup agreement. What you would be looking for with a prenup even in place would be having an equal say in matters that affect you both. It sounds like the relationship is not to the point yet. I can't say since you are both adults with adult children what you should do, but I think you should watch carefully your relationship on other matters where you should have equal say at this point and time. Like--where are we going to dinner? Just because he may pay for it, doesn't mean he gets complete executive decision without your input. At that point your wants are considered by him to be non-existent or non-important. Watch the relationship. See if it is imbalanced in power in other areas, which will show what would be the status quo later, if you did marry him. Frankly, it's his money and his house. I might rethink moving into it until I had a near equal balance of power/wants/needs. Many years ago I was dating a man (for a few years) that decided to buy a house. He then started talking about an exact number of children-3, while he showed me the basement talking about it being their play area. He was seriously considering me becoming his wife. His decision to buy that house and determine his exact number of offspring without my input was one that solidified my decision that he was not the right man for me. I do realize sharing that story is not a parallel situation to yours--however it reminded me of how I once felt when trying to determine if someone was right for me.
Keenly Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Yep...18 months is way too long to be "guessing" about his feelings about marriage...it's a long overdue conversation if it's something that's important to you. Purely subjective statement. 1
MyEvilTwin Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Purely subjective statement. Especially for middle aged adults with divorces behind them. They are far more likely to never be in a rush to marry, nor jump into the deep waters without being sure they want to go swimming.
mammasita Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Your post confuses me. From what I read, it sounds like you're working on alot of assumptions. Have you discussed marriage? Do you live together now?
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) Purely subjective statement. I said "if it's important to you." Isn't that pretty much conceding that it's a subjective statement? Everything is subjective in the context of a relationship because each one is different. In this one, the OP appears to value and want marriage, so she should probably talk to him and see how he feels about it rather than just wondering. I wasn't making a case for or against marriage, rather making a case for communication. Which, while still a subjective topic, is something that I think most people agree is important for a healthy relationship. Marriage is a big deal, and 18 months is a long time to be together and have literally no idea how the other person feels about it. Particularly if it's important to at least one of those people. Edited February 14, 2014 by kiss_andmakeup
MyEvilTwin Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 18 months is not too long to not yet have an engagement. 18 months may be too long to find out if a potential spouse has any interest in ever getting married again. It appears it is too long for you, because it bothers you. But then we don't know if OP and potential partner have even had that discussion or not, have you, OP?
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 18 months is not too long to not yet have an engagement. 18 months may be too long to find out if a potential spouse has any interest in ever getting married again. It appears it is too long for you, because it bothers you. But then we don't know if OP and potential partner have even had that discussion or not, have you, OP? Oh, I agree. I wasn't talking about an engagement. I do think it's too long to not at least have scratched the surface of a discussion, though. It sounds from the original post that she really has no idea how he feels about marriage in general. Shame the OP hasn't been back to clarify for us.
carhill Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 OP, indeed your relationship can work long-term. One area I'd suggest you learn more about is how wealthy people think. It's a different language of thought than teachers like yourself or blue collar guys like me. Learn to speak their language and use their action words. Also, you may not bring a lot of money and power to the dynamic but you can be invaluable in ways they cannot buy. Learn more about that aspect and how you can be considered to be an invaluable asset. Yes, 'love' and a 'healthy relationship' and all that is wonderful and an admirable goal. With it, and before it, come a lot of practical nuts and bolts. If the nuts don't fit the bolts, things fall apart. Regarding the title of your post, it appears all your children, save for one of his, are adults, so there is a lot of flexibility in what 'home' is. He can certainly build one where the family hangs out and has big get-togethers. There can also be 'your' (his and yours) place where each of you input your personal tastes and desires into the home. This is common in my social circle, since many folks are on their second or third M's and have adult children. Myself, I don't have the money to own multiple residences so I'd have to compromise on that, meaning I couldn't have a 'my family' home for my kids, my ex'es, grandparents, etc, etc. to gather. I'd have to deal with that in a different way if the blended families weren't all one big happy family, which they rarely are in such circumstances IME. One of my past MW's dealt with a circumstance like yours and it took her nearly ten years of steady work, besides leveraging her stake with a side relationship with me, to get what she wanted, and now has, with her wealthy boyfriend. Was it easy? Absolutely not! I saw about three years of the process and it was hard! Wealthy families can be exceedingly difficult and cautious about outsiders. Expect it. Maybe it won't happen to you but I've seen it a lot. Live your life on your own terms and, if things with this guy match up, they do. Build your own house. Heck, I have three and I get greasy every day for a living. You can do whatever you put your mind to. If he's there at the end, he is. If not, not. No rewards!
mukkrakker Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Purely subjective statement. Like most at LS, as we are dealing with emotions, and other peoples experiences in similar situations.
FitChick Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Don't move in unless you are officially engaged. I don't see why the spare room would be a problem since all the kids are adults and most would visit at different times I would think. Some may move far away. Most kids don't want to hang out with their parents. As for him being able to provide more for his kids, that is none of your business. I'm sure there are parents in your school who resent you for being able to provide more for your kids than they can. Who said life was fair?
MyEvilTwin Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Don't move in unless you are officially engaged. I don't see why the spare room would be a problem since all the kids are adults and most would visit at different times I would think. Some may move far away. Most kids don't want to hang out with their parents. As for him being able to provide more for his kids, that is none of your business. I'm sure there are parents in your school who resent you for being able to provide more for your kids than they can. Who said life was fair? I agree with a lot of this except the bit about adult kids not wanting to hang with their parents. In dysfunctional families this is true but in mutually loving and respecting families the adult children and parents can be very close. So all of his children could theoretically show up for holidays.
CaliGypsy Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 You never know. My (now) BIL built himself a house around 16 years ago.. He was dating my sister at the time and claimed he was never getting married. She did help pick stuff out & moved in with him when it was built. Three years later they got married:) He was always committed to my sister just hesitated to get married due to his parents very ugly divorce. I would talk to your boyfriend to see where he's at with you. After 18 months you certainly have a right to ask .
HokeyReligions Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 If you were on an equal footing financiAlly would you still be saying "I don't expect..."? It sounds like you are trying so hard NOT to make money the issue that it has become one anyway. Is this house supposed to be for both of you? If so then make it clear that you do indeed have some expectations and that your kids are just as important to you as his are to him. If you are going to live with him without the benefit of marriage then you need to contribute what you can to the household- especially things your kids may use. If you are not going to live there then tell him you are not comfortable giving your opinion on his house and you maintain your own household. You can stand up for yourself and voice your concerns and your expectations without sounding like a gold digger. If you don't speak up you are both in danger of building resentment. 1
Author funnywoman Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 I would like to thank all of you for your input. He and I do need to have a conversation regarding some of the things that concern me. I have friends that laugh off my concerns, say things like ' It must be terrible to have a rich boyfriend' and such, they have no idea the different problems this situation poses. As for the house, and the kids, one of my sons is still in college and has summers off, same as his children. My son may want to spend the summer at the house. My worry about this is that my boyfriend doesn't say things about my kids being there, only about his kids being there. And I, at this point, since we are not engaged, do not feel I have the right to say things because it's his money building the house. Also, he is very good to me. He does value my opinion, we do do things I suggest, there is no problem with him not wanting to do or go places I suggest. The only problem there is, is that, again, since it is his money that pays for these things, I am reluctant to suggest things outside normal things. He loves to travel, we go skiing, go to different islands, spent Christmas abroad, all nice, and we do these things as our schedules permit. But since it's his money paying for them, I don't suggest things of this nature. I do know life is not fair, no one is entitled, and I don't believe I said I felt my children were entitled.
BradJacobs Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Sounds to me that the"sometimes" you kept mentioning about resenting how much he spends is all ready here. I would be extremely careful how you bring this up.
Author funnywoman Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 I am extremely careful of the things I say. That is a problem I am trying to address. I do not want to sound resentful or to come across sounding as though the time and money he spends on his children bothers me. It doesn't.
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