Echomaker Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Hi, folks. Well, the title is fairly straightforward, but I'll give a bit more info. From the outset, I want to say that this woman is great in many ways. She's smart and well educated (she has one Master's and is on her way toward a second one), strongly independent, funny, she has a great dorky side, and she's kind but also quite fiery. Great qualities that would make a guy fall for her. Just... not me. I met this woman through OLD, and after a week of a few email exchanges I got her number. We met up for a coffee date and had good conversation, laughed at dumb jokes, and learned we had plenty in common. All in all, a fun date. But I felt no real attraction whatsoever. When we left we didn't even so much as hug. My first mistake was not trusting my gut after that and agreeing to see her again when she asked if we could meet up again. The second date was the same thing: more good conversation, funny stories, and this time it ended with a hug. But still, I felt nothing. Yet, we went out on a third date which lasted much longer. At the end of the night our conversation sort of stalled and I had a strong suspicion she was waiting for me to kiss her. I couldn't, and honestly, I really didn't want to. But if she was disappointed she seemed to hide it well and we left it at that. We exchanged a text message a couple days later just asking how the other's been. It's now been two days since that text and the honest truth is that I don't care to see her again. I know I really should have ended it after the first date. And instead of wasting time asking for advice on a forum I should be figuring this out now, but I'm just at a loss. I stupidly believed that maybe the attraction would grow after a couple more dates which is why I ignored my gut instinct and went on the extra dates. She's a fantastic person, truly, and this is the first time I've been the guy to try to break something off. With Valentine's Day being tomorrow, I know my timing isn't exactly perfect either. Maybe I'm getting worked up over too much after only three dates, but I really could use some help. What would be the kindest and most respectful way for me to tell her I'm not interested?
SYLLPalmer Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Don't beat yourself up. You are a really good guy (not good guy with the negative connotations, good guy as in a nice sole on an honest journey.) Only a kind guy would worry about hurting a girl on Valentines Day. Try to find a way to give her some power too. I have no idea how you can. But spinning it to give her the op to agree will hurt the ego less. It really is just an ego blow. She has a lot going for her so don't worry about it. Thank you for your post. It was insightful. 1
oldshirt Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 If the roles were reversed and you were the chick, the next time you were asked out you would say, "let's just be friends." 1
stillafool Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 You mention alot of great qualities about her. Were you physically attracted to her as well? It's okay that you don't see yourself going further with her and at least you didn't have sex with her and then decide you aren't interested. 3
pteromom Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 After three dates with hours of conversation and funny stories, if you aren't even wanting to kiss her, then you are making the right decision to let her go. I would just say something like "I think you are attractive and smart and fun, but for whatever reason, the romantic connection just isn't there on my side." I'd wait until Saturday to call her though, due to the Valentine's Day thing. 5
Author Echomaker Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 You mention alot of great qualities about her. Were you physically attracted to her as well? It's okay that you don't see yourself going further with her and at least you didn't have sex with her and then decide you aren't interested. She's good looking, to be sure, but I wasn't feeling much physical attraction from the beginning. After three dates with hours of conversation and funny stories, if you aren't even wanting to kiss her, then you are making the right decision to let her go. I would just say something like "I think you are attractive and smart and fun, but for whatever reason, the romantic connection just isn't there on my side." I'd wait until Saturday to call her though, due to the Valentine's Day thing. I was thinking along that line. You put it better than what my brain was coming up with, so thank you.
Survivor12 Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I would suggest adding "attractive" or "pretty" to pteromom's quote. Based on what you've said, it's the truth & is short & sweet. No further explanation necessary.
stillafool Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I would just say something like "I think you are attractive and smart and fun, but for whatever reason, the romantic connection just isn't there on my side." I would suggest adding "attractive" or "pretty" to pteromom's quote. Based on what you've said, it's the truth & is short & sweet. No further explanation necessary. Pteromom has "attractive" in the sentence already. 1
Targetlock Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 all good suggestions, just be honest and upfront. 1
kodakgirl Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I've been on both sides, and it's always a shame, but it happens. I think it's good yo gave it a chance, but also good you've realized early on it just isn't clicking. Three dates really is a 'test phase'-- you definitely have that time to think. I agree with the compliment plus just not interested message, and to wait till Saturday.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I went on a first date last weekend, didn't feel a romantic connection, and have been letting him down slow and easy since then. We had built up a certain pattern of texting and talking on the phone, and I didn't want to end that abruptly, because I've enjoyed getting to know him and I can tell it's been positive for both of us. Last night, I told him that our connection feels more friendly than romantic to me, which is exactly the truth, and he took it just fine. We agreed we would like to remain friends if possible, and we're going to have a friendly lunch on Sunday. I'd tell her you feel more of a friendly than romantic connection with her. This isn't personal - just the truth, with tact. I agree that I'd wait until after Valentine's Day to have that conversation. 2
SunnySide0418 Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Honestly, after you ignore Valentine's Day she may want to dump you.
what_a_blonde Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 After three dates with hours of conversation and funny stories, if you aren't even wanting to kiss her, then you are making the right decision to let her go. I would just say something like "I think you are attractive and smart and fun, but for whatever reason, the romantic connection just isn't there on my side." I'd wait until Saturday to call her though, due to the Valentine's Day thing. ^^Agree with the above. And I must say, props to you. You sound like a really decent guy. Not your fault for agreeing to another meet up. Nothing says that after a certain # of dates it automatically means "he's into you" or "she's into you". Since Valentine's Day IS tomorrow, I think she will definitely get a small hint when you don't go out of your way to get her anything (or wish her a Happy V-day at that). If I was her (based on how you're describing her), she's probably nervous wondering if you will even text her tomorrow, much less send her something. Plus, since your texts have been kind of spotty, she may already be wondering what this is. (Women always over analyze.) Nonetheless, no sign of you tomorrow at all will certainly burn a little if she was getting feelings, however it will send her a message. I definitely say by Sunday you send her the "official" message and just tell her you don't want to be that guy who just goes completely MIA without a reason.. and tell her exactly what you said. You think she's ____, ____, and ____, however you just don't think its a match. Good luck!
Author Echomaker Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 Thanks for the replies, everyone. I decided to wait until Saturday, so as to not end things on Valentine's Day. If she reaches out to me before then, I'll let her know at that time.
winny Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Thanks for the replies, everyone. I decided to wait until Saturday, so as to not end things on Valentine's Day. If she reaches out to me before then, I'll let her know at that time. You are a good guy! 1
PegNosePete Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 The reply is good. Always say your feelings ("I don't feel a romantic connection") rather than facts ("there is no romantic connection") since it's impossible for her to disagree with your feelings. Personally if I was on the receiving end I would prefer it today than tomorrow. I know it's V day and all but I would always rather know sooner than later. Then I can at least complain to my mates how terrible it is to be single on V day and how it's all just a big made-up celebration invented by the card and restaurant industry to make money.
Author Echomaker Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 So, I told her a couple hours ago. I just told her I had a lot of fun and thought she was a fantastic person, but I just wasn't feeling it. It sounded like she took it well; her response was "No worries. Thank you for letting me know. Enjoy your weekend and good luck with your marathon." I was tempted to respond with a thank you in response to the good luck comment, but I thought it was just best to leave things be. I certainly feel better getting that out of the way, but damn... it was still difficult to do. 3
newmoon Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 OP, just curious, since you said no physical attraction was there. you met online, so did she not look like her photo?
Author Echomaker Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 (edited) No, she looked exactly like her photo indicated. When I first saw her picture my reaction was "she's cute, let's take a look." I liked what I was reading, sent a message, and we began to talk. But after meeting up I just wasn't feeling anything stronger. To me, it was like looking at a female friend and being able to admit "yeah, she's good looking, but that doesn't mean I'm attracted to her." I know sometimes it takes time, but I was finding myself barely thinking about her and on the third date I felt like I was doing it to be nice. That's why I knew it was right to break it off; it's not fair to her. Edited February 16, 2014 by Echomaker 2
Amelia81 Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Can I just say that I got a 'we're not right for each other' text yesterday, he too probably thought it wouldn't be appropriate before or on V Day. I'd actually been feeling like something wasn't right myself but I was going to meet him one last time to see. Anyway, Friday was AWFUL! Knowing you are dating someone and they don't even send you a 'hi how are you' text?? when you had been texting everyday for the last couple of weeks? Doing it on the 15th just makes it worse, like they have been pitying you or something! It just makes the dumpER feel better about themselves. So I'd ask all of you in the future to think twice about delaying breaking it off with someone just because of holidays. I wasn't grateful in the slightest.
Poppygoodwill Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 I generally disagree about trying to work around holidays, especially V day. I mean, if you're not feeling it then you're going to put in a pathetic performance and the person will feel something isn't quite right. That will be icky to start with, and then when they get the news they'll realize you were essentially faking it and they'll feel twice as bad. I waited once until after xmas to break up with someone and spent the holiday with his family pretending the whole time that things were fine. They were offended too I think that I had faked it with them. There's no easy way, but sooner is always better than alter - at least for the person who is getting the bad news.
Recommended Posts