experiencethedevine Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Inspired by another thread, how did your older children handle the fallout of the affair? What of your grandchildren? How was extended family affected?
snappytomcat Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 my 2 daughters 19 and 24(I had her when we met,and he adopted her as his own)and hes been a great father to them. the youngest one just withdrew from everything,i didn't tell them my oldest daughter over heard a conversation,and told her sister,but the oldest one was so damn mad,and very pregnant,i would have to tell her to calm down. shes a feisty one,i guess its the latin blood shes very passionate,and has a temper,but she was also trying everything she could to get us back together,and she found out who the OW was,and went off on her,but I was so devastated I didn't really know what was going on either. our youngest daughter has moved back to east coast,experiencing her first extreme weather,as shes a socal girl,but shes doing really good now. and the oldest one,has had the baby shes a good mom,and has a better relationship with her dad,then shes ever had. and the grandbaby,is what brought us all back together I believe,he brings so much joy into our lives,and its nice when he starts fussing,and getting cranky I just hand him back to mom 1
Author experiencethedevine Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 my 2 daughters 19 and 24(I had her when we met,and he adopted her as his own)and hes been a great father to them. the youngest one just withdrew from everything,i didn't tell them my oldest daughter over heard a conversation,and told her sister,but the oldest one was so damn mad,and very pregnant,i would have to tell her to calm down. shes a feisty one,i guess its the latin blood shes very passionate,and has a temper,but she was also trying everything she could to get us back together,and she found out who the OW was,and went off on her,but I was so devastated I didn't really know what was going on either. our youngest daughter has moved back to east coast,experiencing her first extreme weather,as shes a socal girl,but shes doing really good now. and the oldest one,has had the baby shes a good mom,and has a better relationship with her dad,then shes ever had. and the grandbaby,is what brought us all back together I believe,he brings so much joy into our lives,and its nice when he starts fussing,and getting cranky I just hand him back to mom Grandchildren are a great treasure, and handing them back to their rightful owners when 'cranky' is a Grandparent's pleasure!! I wish you and your family great future happiness................... 2
eloise123 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) my 2 daughters 19 and 24(I had her when we met,and he adopted her as his own)and hes been a great father to them. the youngest one just withdrew from everything,i didn't tell them my oldest daughter over heard a conversation,and told her sister,but the oldest one was so damn mad,and very pregnant,i would have to tell her to calm down. shes a feisty one,i guess its the latin blood shes very passionate,and has a temper,but she was also trying everything she could to get us back together,and she found out who the OW was,and went off on her,but I was so devastated I didn't really know what was going on either. our youngest daughter has moved back to east coast,experiencing her first extreme weather,as shes a socal girl,but shes doing really good now. and the oldest one,has had the baby shes a good mom,and has a better relationship with her dad,then shes ever had. and the grandbaby,is what brought us all back together I believe,he brings so much joy into our lives,and its nice when he starts fussing,and getting cranky I just hand him back to mom My mm has no intimacy with his wife but also like you, his older kids are always there and the grandchild. So effectively, they still have no relationship, just the outside family. Are you not able to get that intimacy back. Do you rely on your family to keep you together? I am really interested how this works. My MM is miserable but his grandkid is a big pull to stay and keeps his mind off stuff and rightly so, makes him happy. I am not saying yours is the same, but please tell me, do you think you are ignoring your relationship with your H and his affair and concentrating on your kids instead because really IMO that maybe means you will face it later? I just wanted to say also that his older kids came after me. seems crazy that adult kids get involved in their relationship to me. I would never let my adult kids decide my future. Edited February 13, 2014 by eloise123
snappytomcat Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 My mm has no intimacy with his wife but also like you, his older kids are always there and the grandchild. So effectively, they still have no relationship, just the outside family. Are you not able to get that intimacy back. Do you rely on your family to keep you together? I am really interested how this works. My MM is miserable but his grandkid is a big pull to stay and keeps his mind off stuff and rightly so, makes him happy. I am not saying yours is the same, but please tell me, do you think you are ignoring your relationship with your H and his affair and concentrating on your kids instead because really IMO that maybe means you will face it later? I just wanted to say also that his older kids came after me. seems crazy that adult kids get involved in their relationship to me. I would never let my adult kids decide my future. we are recovering our marriage,he begged me to stay after dday,and no I don't rely on my family to keep us together,i was just talking about the couple months following dday,believe me I don't have a leash on him,he cheated but begged me to stay and work on our marriage,and this we have been doing,its been hard but getting better daily. and my older child didn't decide my future she was hurt cause I was hurting,would you get mad if the tables were turned and you were being cheated on,if your kids stuck up for you?i don't think you would,did I tell her no she over heard a conversation,dday was 9 months ago,so im talking about what happened following. and yes were very intimate,but we always were,and he lied to the OW,and said we weren't like the typical lies all mm say 7
harrybrown Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 or what all cheaters may say, male or female. 5
i am gutted Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 our kids 17 and 14. they took it hard. the eldest withdrew into himself and was angry with his dad. the youngest (daughter) was furious and would not have much to do with dad for a while. she just coming round now. dd was july. family were pretty useless.....after 4 weeks my dad said it was time to get on. I am finding it hard with the anger and hurt. 1
whatatangledweb Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) My children are adults and they do not know. His affair had nothing to do with them. Edited February 14, 2014 by whatatangledweb 2
yellowmaverick Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 My children have a strong moral code, so they were pretty disgusted with what he did. The last two years were pretty rough for them. They love their father, but can't reconcile what he did with who they thought he was. During the affair, he was not very engaged with them, and now they know why. The fact that his crazy mistress stalked us didn't help. They are not happy with my decision not to R, but understand it. I hope that they can find their way with him again. The love is there, but the respect....not so much. 4
janedoe67 Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 How do you feel as a BS about the fact that your kids, in some cases, may no longer want to be part of the WS/FWS' life or may hate them, etc. ? That is not meant to be a baiting question at all. I am just curious as to what the response is if a child decides to cut the WS/FWS out of their lives? 1
Steadfast Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 It devastated our two teens, but the important stuff came after that. Let's face facts: the biggest influence in these matters is the betrayed spouse. Kids aren't stupid, even very little ones. Older kids are dialed in more than we even know; very keen to who's getting screwed over. By far the biggest temptation I faced was turning them against her, because I knew it would hurt her more than anything I could do. It was a huge struggle to take the high road. But I did, and it was truly the best thing. I love them, and that love was tested in ways I couldn't imagine. Turning them against her or making them choose would prove I was willing to use them for revenge. Not loving. Frankly, they already had one parent feeding them lies, and they knew it. She'd tell them she "loved them more than anything" but her actions proved otherwise. They knew she wanted to be away from us so she could have freedom and they knew she was ashamed of it. More than anything that killed my desire for her. Still, I encouraged them to look at the big picture, knowing a good relationship with their mom would be better for them in the many years of adulthood to follow. It has. 9
janedoe67 Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 It devastated our two teens, but the important stuff came after that. Let's face facts: the biggest influence in these matters is the betrayed spouse. Kids aren't stupid, even very little ones. Older kids are dialed in more than we even know; very keen to who's getting screwed over. By far the biggest temptation I faced was turning them against her, because I knew it would hurt her more than anything I could do. It was a huge struggle to take the high road. But I did, and it was truly the best thing. I love them, and that love was tested in ways I couldn't imagine. Turning them against her or making them choose would prove I was willing to use them for revenge. Not loving. Frankly, they already had one parent feeding them lies, and they knew it. She'd tell them she "loved them more than anything" but her actions proved otherwise. They knew she wanted to be away from us so she could have freedom and they knew she was ashamed of it. More than anything that killed my desire for her. Still, I encouraged them to look at the big picture, knowing a good relationship with their mom would be better for them in the many years of adulthood to follow. It has. In other words.... You have character 5
Author experiencethedevine Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 In other words.... You have character Most emphatically agreed.................. 1
yellowmaverick Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 How do you feel as a BS about the fact that your kids, in some cases, may no longer want to be part of the WS/FWS' life or may hate them, etc. ? That is not meant to be a baiting question at all. I am just curious as to what the response is if a child decides to cut the WS/FWS out of their lives? I would not have allowed that to happen. In fact, when I needed to separate, I was the one who found another place to live so that he could spend time with them and repair the damage that he had done. One of my daughters (the one who was stalked by the OW), told me that she "hated" him. I told her that it was okay to hate what he did, but I know that she did not hate who he was. My children absolutely LOVE their father and they should. Prior to d-day, our family was very tight, so my WH's affair rocked their world as well as mine. They were very hurt that he brought the craziness of the stalking OW into their lives. They were very hurt that I was hurt. While I am sure that my children would never cut their father out of their lives, a couple of them are having a difficult time finding the respect for him that they once had. I think, in time, it will come, but a lot of that will depend on him. He needs to do the work. There is a huge amount of love between them - that's a great head start. 3
Author experiencethedevine Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 How do you feel as a BS about the fact that your kids, in some cases, may no longer want to be part of the WS/FWS' life or may hate them, etc. ? That is not meant to be a baiting question at all. I am just curious as to what the response is if a child decides to cut the WS/FWS out of their lives? That is a very interesting aspect jane. There are some children who temporarily severe the ties to the WS/FWS while they grapple with the effects of the affair upon themselves. Maintaining distance while they come to terms with the enormous disruption and torn loyalties is sometimes necessary to the older child. I have known some who have spent time with other family members or close friends while they adjust and adapt to new circumstances, giving themselves the opportunity to process the enormity of such a life changing event. Some betrayed spouses find their loyalties put to the test, and in cases such as you describe, not only are they dealing with the affair fallout immediately either in recovery or the divorce process, but also having to tenderly navigate the damage done to any children. This puts the betrayed party in a very precarious and fragile position. A tough one to answer J, but a very interesting point to moot in a new thread perhaps............
peaksandvalleys Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Inspired by another thread, how did your older children handle the fallout of the affair? What of your grandchildren? How was extended family affected? They did not handle it well. They are very angry and disappointed. It has even gotten worse in the last few weeks.
Author experiencethedevine Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 I would not have allowed that to happen. In fact, when I needed to separate, I was the one who found another place to live so that he could spend time with them and repair the damage that he had done. One of my daughters (the one who was stalked by the OW), told me that she "hated" him. I told her that it was okay to hate what he did, but I know that she did not hate who he was. My children absolutely LOVE their father and they should. Prior to d-day, our family was very tight, so my WH's affair rocked their world as well as mine. They were very hurt that he brought the craziness of the stalking OW into their lives. They were very hurt that I was hurt. While I am sure that my children would never cut their father out of their lives, a couple of them are having a difficult time finding the respect for him that they once had. I think, in time, it will come, but a lot of that will depend on him. He needs to do the work. There is a huge amount of love between them - that's a great head start. I have a great deal of empathy with you YM. My husband worked incredibly hard after he removed his head from his own *sshole to attempt to repair the damage he had done to his children and grandson.. 1
snappytomcat Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 How do you feel as a BS about the fact that your kids, in some cases, may no longer want to be part of the WS/FWS' life or may hate them, etc. ? That is not meant to be a baiting question at all. I am just curious as to what the response is if a child decides to cut the WS/FWS out of their lives? hubby,and I reconciled,so the kids are doing better daily,the younger one took it the hardest,as she just retreated to her room,and never really came out,but if we hadn't reconciled,and the kids didn't ever want to speak to him again,i would have been really sad about that,because no matter what he was always a good father,even adoptingmy daughter as his own,shes the one that was very angry at him,but they have such a good relationship now,as a matter of fact iam going out all day Saturday,and wont be home until late,and shes coming over to make him dinner 1
peaksandvalleys Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 How do you feel as a BS about the fact that your kids, in some cases, may no longer want to be part of the WS/FWS' life or may hate them, etc. ? That is not meant to be a baiting question at all. I am just curious as to what the response is if a child decides to cut the WS/FWS out of their lives? My children are very angry, they are adults so I guess if they decide to keep him on the outside I can live with that. 2
yellowmaverick Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 My children are very angry, they are adults so I guess if they decide to keep him on the outside I can live with that. I originally felt this way as well. Over time, however, I began to believe that any estrangement would hurt my children so much more that it would hurt him. They need their father in their lives. I just hope that he appreciates that they are giving him another chance. 5
janedoe67 Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 My betrayals deeply hurt my kids. I felt strongly that I needed to make amends with them AND h. I hurt their father and jeopardized their family. However, as I began doing that in earnest, i so appreciated that my husband encouraged them in reconciliation. He could easily have reveled in having them reject me. We are still a work in progress. 4
cocorico Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Inspired by another thread, how did your older children handle the fallout of the affair? What of your grandchildren? How was extended family affected? His kids were cautiously optimistic, supported him in leaving her, and were very welcoming to me. They became much happier, better adjusted, better functioning after the split. They became much closer to him. Extended family were thrilled. His siblings expressed joy at "getting their brother back" and were are very close, choosing to spend a lot of time together. His parents are great and were overjoyed to have him back in the bosom of the family.
No Limit Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 I was 4 years old, far from old I know, but when my father cheated on my mother he once brought me to their meeting in a park, probably tried to get me to like her. Also a 'fatal' mistake; back at home in the evening my mom asked me how my days was and I told her about a red-haired woman who somewhat frightened me (she asked way too many question for my liking...). My mother knew immediately what was going on and phoned him moments later that it was over; apparently he had an affair with that skank earlier and had told my mom he ended it. My mother immediately moved with me to friends and prepared everything for the divorce, and with her financial advantage she easily got full custody for me. My father's life went far downhill after they seperated to the point the police was looking for him (when the financial help of my mother was gone he apparently tried to sell drugs, only that one of his buddies apparently got caught and revealed him) and he fled the country. On top of that his OW (bitter my father wouldn't leave my mom; also the mother of two half-siblings of mine) tried to get my mother into his mess, telling the police she had something to do with it. Thank God my mom left him so quickly and enforced total NC, if they had found any drugs inside the appartment where both mother and father lived there would have been a big chance I'd have lost both. And now before another OW rages on about how cruel my mother was to seperate me from my father (happened in another thread already, don't ask ), he wasn't that much at home (work and affairs take up a lot of time, you know) so I never had much of a connection anyway. Plus it's rather scary to see your father almost madly yelling at your own mom who was suffering anyway; heard her cry or sob on the phone a lot, even from my room late at night, guess she thought I was asleep already. She also feared that he'd try to kidnap me (already drove away with me once when they argued) and I feared the same. When a parent gives you that much of a protected feel, you sure as ***** don't want to spend any second of your life with the other one. Tried to get back in touch when I was 6, again when I was 12 via old friends, last try was an e-mail only 2 years ago when I was 16 (I blocked him instantly). I have no feelings for my father (except for maybe disgust) and hope that he never ever is able to reach out for me irl (my mom's father did a few years ago after 30 years, I absolutely don't want that to happen to me!!!) and ask myself why my mother ever endured even being in a relationship with this guy. It's like they're from two different worlds; beauty and beast. How do you feel as a BS about the fact that your kids, in some cases, may no longer want to be part of the WS/FWS' life or may hate them, etc. ? That is not meant to be a baiting question at all. I am just curious as to what the response is if a child decides to cut the WS/FWS out of their lives? Not the BS myself, but my mother allowed contact as soon as she had a new apartment in a safe part of the city; that was about 1 or 2 months after their breakup. The only rule for a meetup my mother told me was that she herself would not spend time with him, so she'd basically let him pick me up at weekends if I wanted to. But no, I didn't and still don't want. He would have abandoned my mother if he had ever gotten the chance to take me away, not considering her feelings for even a second. Like payback for breaking up. Kindergarden, and I couldn't care less if he's changed by now. Out of sight, out of mind; at least for 355 days a year. 3
Steadfast Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 In other words.... You have character Thanks Jane. I can't take credit for being a loving father, but I do appreciate the deep relationship I have with my kids because of it. It was my responsibility and my honor. I'm confident they will pass it on. I will take credit for moving on though; not an easy gig when you're divided between healing and still honoring an ex who's piling up pain on a daily basis. I used to envision us inside a canoe and rowing it from one side of a huge lake to another (signifying life from infants to adults). When she jumped out of the canoe, my efforts to row alone were made harder with the knowledge that the more you row, the farther away you get from her. Splitting a family is heartbreaking, moving on with integrity is liberating. 6
Author experiencethedevine Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Thanks Jane. I can't take credit for being a loving father, but I do appreciate the deep relationship I have with my kids because of it. It was my responsibility and my honor. I'm confident they will pass it on. I will take credit for moving on though; not an easy gig when you're divided between healing and still honoring an ex who's piling up pain on a daily basis. I used to envision us inside a canoe and rowing it from one side of a huge lake to another (signifying life from infants to adults). When she jumped out of the canoe, my efforts to row alone were made harder with the knowledge that the more you row, the farther away you get from her. Splitting a family is heartbreaking, moving on with integrity is liberating. Profound and very wise words. Not easy to implement in a situation where children are affected by the toxicity of an affair. Yours will learn of your devotion to their well being and healthy futures when they bring their own into the world Steadfast. They will thank you for your gargantuan efforts to protect their dignity as well as your own. 1
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