Stupid Girl Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Alternate title: explain to me that I'm being silly and this is ok? I met my bf last summer. At the time he and his ex had been broken up ~6 months. We actually met the day after she moved to another country, but up until that point they had been hooking up (sleeping in the same bed, etc), although I didn't find this out until later. We got together officially about 3 months ago. Right off the bar he told me that he and she were still friends, and asked if I was ok with that. I told him I was, because with the information I had at the time, I didn't think it was a deal (I'm friends with a few of my exes as well, although certainly not ones so recent). As time passed and I got more information however, I became less ok with it. Before I came along, this girl would quite frequently post on his fb about missing him and whatnot. Kind of weird, but not the end of the world. Then one day e showed me an fb convo he had with her, and t made me very uncomfortable. The way they talked was not like 2 friends, it was plainly obvious it was a conversation between 2 exes. It just had an air of tension to it. I also noticed he never mentioned me to her. I know she knows I exist, but he avoided actually saying anything to so with me - for example, he'd tell her about a night he and I went out, but he would completely leave out the fact that I was there, he'd just talk about what he did. I thought this was strange so I asked about it, and he eventually admitted that he didn't want to talk about me to her because she was still hurt (he ended it with her, citing that he figured out she wasn't the one e wanted to take the "next step" with), and "it may take her years" to be ok with hearing about me. This just seems a little shady to me. If they are legitimately friends, she should be able to handle the fact that he has a new romantic relationship. If she can't, it seems obvious that she's still hung up on him, and has no interest in his friendship, she's just waiting for me to get out of the picture so she can move back in on him. But when I try to explain my feelings to him, he's adamant thy are just friends and her intentions aren't bad. What do you guys think? Am I wrong to be uncomfortable with this? Ps, sorry if there are weird typos or autocorrect, I'm on y stupid phone!
pteromom Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 It does seem shady to me, but it seems to me like he is hiding you for his own benefit - either he is wants the door open to get back with her or he is still hooking up with her. What she feels isn't the point. It's HIS choice not to talk about you to her.
mammasita Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Definitely shady. My ex years ago who cheated on me did similar. In his conversations with his 2nd girlfriend he spoke about all of the fun things he and I did but never mentioned me. My thought is that he's trying to keep her on the hook somehow. He's not completely ready to let her go, otherwise he'd have no issue mentioning you or letting her know that he's moved on.
Poppygoodwill Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) Shady and worth your vigilance and concern. Transparency is how you build trust, especially if an ex has been around in such a complicated way and they are still in touch and friendly (or more). He could be still having an emotional relationship with her even if he's only sleeping with you. I'd tread carefully. How to make him understand? You just have to set your bottom line and stick with it. You are his gf and you should be the priority over the exgf. That doesn't mean he has to cut her out for good - though you might want that, it can be tricky to demand it and at times just drive it underground. But bottomline, if he can't modify this dodgy behaviour to ensure you are comfortable, then I would say his connection with her, means more than the one he has with you. Sorry to say it. So you make your point clearly and calmly, and wait to see what he does. And be prepared to walk away if by his actions he demonstrates that your feelings mean less to him than hers do. Edited February 13, 2014 by Poppygoodwill
OpheliaSong Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I don't think you are wrong or stupid. It is one thing to chat with an ex, but another thing to chat with an ex and not mention the current gf because you don't want to hurt an ex. If she knows he has you, it might help her move on, but maybe he doesn't want that??? 1
Shosh Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I think it is okay to talk to an ex and not mention your current partner because you don't want to hurt them. But the context matters. For example, I have an ex that I broke up with about a year ago. It was an amicable split and we both agreed to stay friendly if not friends. Every few months he will send me a message asking about how I have been and we will chat a little bit. I don't mention that I am seeing someone new because I know it would hurt him. But I am not at all interested in him anymore and don't talk to him in any way other than as friends. Many years ago an ex who I had been with for a few years dumped me and it broke my heart. I would still keep messaging him from time to time, mostly with the hope of getting back together but also because I simply missed him. A few months later he started dating someone and he mentioned it as a side remark. After that he did not really bring her up anymore unless I specifically asked about her. I always felt that he did this to not rub it in that he had moved on, and not because he was still stringing me along. Eventually I moved on and now we are facebook friends and wish each other a happy birthday and happy new year. He married the girl a year or so later and now they have a lovely family. What I am trying to say is that it depends on the context and it is not shady to not bring up your current partner to your ex if you do it in order to spare them pain.
CaliGypsy Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) What I am trying to say is that it depends on the context and it is not shady to not bring up your current partner to your ex if you do it in order to spare them pain. Agree. Also, this is why I think it can be hard for exes to be friends when one of them still has feelings. Edited February 14, 2014 by CaliGypsy Proofread AFTER posting
HokeyReligions Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I donate remember ever feeling jealous myself but if you are uncomfortable that should be enough to have a serious talk and set some boundaries. When I met my hubby he had recently ended a serious relationship. He had proposed and given a ring to someone whose father convinced her to break up. She was still in daily contact. This was before internet or text or cell phones. They talked. He was always up front about it. She called when I was there and he was telling her about how we took baths together. I didn't give it a second thought. She called for him once at my apartment and my mom was there and she talked to her for a while. I never thought for a second that he would cheat. But if I bad been uncomfortable we would have discussed it and set boundaries or time limits or found a compromise or decided to end it. I think that I had such low self esteem when I was young (I didn't know it at the time. I just believed I was the lowest of the low and took it in stride when people called me names and hit me or threw things at me or compared me to others - in front of me - and I just smiled and accepted it.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Yes, I think you have a reason to be concerned. If he's not mentioning you because it might hurt her, he's prioritizing her feelings over yours. Not good. He doesn't need to go on and on about you, but he's deliberately avoiding bringing you into the conversation. I would not be comfortable with that. How often do they speak? Perhaps they need to cut ties for a while, or at the very least minimize their contact. It is very difficult to just be friends with an ex if one person still has feelings, and it sounds as though she does. Tell him this; if he resists, perhaps she's not the only one still carrying a little torch.
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