Gemini x Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 As most of you know I'm going through a fresh BU; with NC only being 4 days now, haven't heard from him for 6 days. We were together for over 3 years. So, I know I'm still raw with emotions. My ex basically dumped me by running away, yet blamed me saying I broke up with him because while he was "away" I wasn't pining for him. I'm seeing some, mostly men, on here saying they're going on dates 6 weeks, and even less, after their BUs with women they say they were soooo in love with. My question is; how the hell does that happen? How can you even look at another woman right now? I'm sure my ex thinks I'm out hopping on every man I see but that's far from the truth. It's been about 4 weeks and the thought of touching another man makes me feel sick to my stomach. I'm nowhere near ready to be with another man. Just thinking about it almost brings tears to my eyes. It hurts me, beyond words, to think that the once upon a time love of my life is possibly seeing another woman this soon after spending every day with me for the last 3 years. I don't get how some of you can do it so quickly. My heart has been shattered into millions of pieces and the last thing on my mind is going on a date, nor even talking to another man in that manner. How can some of you move on so quickly?
flightplan Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I started dating a couple months after the BU. Its not that I wanted a relationship, but it was a way to move on and heal. I've been very upfront with them and we're good friends. Self esteem takes a huge hit so it's nice to know you still can attract the opposite sex. I look at it this way... I could sit in a corner and suck my thumb and cry about how I was dumped. I did that the first couple of months. After that, I knew I had to get back on the horse. Slowly at first, not looking for a relationship, but just looking to meet new women and have fun again. Evenutally, I'll run into that special someone and I'll be ready. I still have my days... like today, it sucks, but I have to keep moving forward and this is how I do it. Others may be different but it works for me. 1
pickflicker Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Because one of the easiest ways to get over someone, is to get under someone else. I'm a girl, and I get it... 3
lovesucks76 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 As most of you know I'm going through a fresh BU; with NC only being 4 days now, haven't heard from him for 6 days. We were together for over 3 years. So, I know I'm still raw with emotions. My ex basically dumped me by running away, yet blamed me saying I broke up with him because while he was "away" I wasn't pining for him. I'm seeing some, mostly men, on here saying they're going on dates 6 weeks, and even less, after their BUs with women they say they were soooo in love with. My question is; how the hell does that happen? How can you even look at another woman right now? I'm sure my ex thinks I'm out hopping on every man I see but that's far from the truth. It's been about 4 weeks and the thought of touching another man makes me feel sick to my stomach. I'm nowhere near ready to be with another man. Just thinking about it almost brings tears to my eyes. It hurts me, beyond words, to think that the once upon a time love of my life is possibly seeing another woman this soon after spending every day with me for the last 3 years. I don't get how some of you can do it so quickly. My heart has been shattered into millions of pieces and the last thing on my mind is going on a date, nor even talking to another man in that manner. How can some of you move on so quickly? In my case, it has been about 6 weeks. I was and still am devasted. Yes, I still have moments when I feel horrible, sad and miss her a lot. I cried everyday for a freaking week. I broke it off with her because I knew she wasn't into me as much as I was into her. She liked having me around like a dog but never showed emotion. Deep down, I know she loves me too but she was incapable of showing it. That's her personlaity and unforunately I need more than she was willing to give me so I broke it off. AND I was deeply in love with her and still am. SO.....I'm going to lunch tomorrow with a new girl who asked me out. YES, I'm still suffering from my last BU. Never loved anyone like her before. In a small way I will always love her. It was very intense! With that said...one needs to heal. For me, staying at home crying and wishing and hoping was only making feel worse. It became a sick thing, so I said ENOUGH. So I accepted this girls invite to lunch tomorrow. I'm not expecting anything but lunch with a cool person. I'm not replacing my ex but I'm moving on and living. My ex doesn't care whether I suffer from the BU or not, so why should I? Remember, we can't control our ex but we can control our actions from that point forward. It's not about how you FALL, its about how soon you get UP! 2
Lifegoezon Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 How fast you move on isn't dependent on gender. I'm a woman too and I also get what's been said here. I think refusing to consider dating is a way of refusing to accept the BU is final. Staying faithful for when the reconciliation comes. You haven't been NC for long enough yet to have moved on from that stage. If you maintain NC and keep busy you should find the idea less abhorrent in a few weeks. It really is just a waiting game if you follow all the good advice here. I'm 5 weeks post BU and 20 days NC. I still miss him but I'm accepting and looking forward. It will not be too much longer now before I actively get back on the horse. Life is too short to waste on jerks who leave you for dead while they move on at speed. 3
Author Gemini x Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 I'm not sitting around moping and crying. I'm getting out and doing things but my heart is in such a horrible place that I'm so far from even thinking about being with someone else. I'm trying to move on but it won't be with another man, not for quite some time. I feel like I'm standing still in a crowded room staring at my shattered heart lying on the floor while everyone, and everything, is moving around me. I'm just having a hard day. Everything was okay yesterday and today I'm just a mess. I'm snowed in at home so maybe that's why, too much time to think, idk. 1
Author Gemini x Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 I'm a fkn wreck today. I'm so pissed because I woke up yesterday feeling indifferent. I'm crying my eyes out right now. I'm still too emotional to go out with anyone or look for someone. I'm just not ready at all.
flightplan Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I'm a fkn wreck today. I'm so pissed because I woke up yesterday feeling indifferent. I'm crying my eyes out right now. I'm still too emotional to go out with anyone or look for someone. I'm just not ready at all. Been there, it's normal. We're all freaking wrecks or we wouldn't be here at some point and time. I've had days where I thought I licked it. I was so indifferent that I felt like my old self... only to be slammed a day or two later, grieving the loss like it was day one. It's up and down. Just accept it's going to happen and adjust. 1
lovesucks76 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Sorry you're having a hard time today. Distract yourself. Watch a movie, shovel some snow, help your neighbor, do something. You staying put and being sad will not improve things. You can't do the same things and expect different results. That's what insanity is! Get up, get mad, do whatever you need to do but don't just sit there and feel bad over someone who's part of your past now. If you ex comes to mind, say OK and move right on to the next task. It's survival! You HAVE to keep going and eventually you will start feeling better. For now, you need to move and stay busy! Good luck! 1
ithappenedagain Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I've been the ''dumpee'' in a few LTR.. My last LTR (4 years) I was CRUSHED. I told myself that I wouldn't date anyone until I KNEW I was healed. I waited over a year before ''dating''. Ironically, the person that I "fell'' for, is the reason I am now on this site... So... Yes. I wasted a whole year to find ''true love'' only to get my heart stomped on ... AGAIN!!! Bad luck, huh!! LOL... So with this breakup, I am throwing everything out the window. I am approaching things with an open mind. Will I go out and date right away? Sure, why not! That doesn't mean I am going to have sex, or even touch my date. I am just throwing myself out there with the mentality that I dont want to waste having a fun time and meeting new people - while still in the ''healing'' process. It's been a month. I think I am ready to meet new people. Once again, I am not going to approach this as a ''rebound''. I like to think of it this way. The worst thing that can possibly happen is that I make new friends or meet new people along the way.. After all, our exes are NOT crying over us. They are out with their new loves, or they are out flirting with new people. Why should we have to be handcuffed over their decision to leave us? 1
SCJACK Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I'm not sitting around moping and crying. I'm getting out and doing things but my heart is in such a horrible place that I'm so far from even thinking about being with someone else. I'm trying to move on but it won't be with another man, not for quite some time. I feel like I'm standing still in a crowded room staring at my shattered heart lying on the floor while everyone, and everything, is moving around me. I'm just having a hard day. Everything was okay yesterday and today I'm just a mess. I'm snowed in at home so maybe that's why, too much time to think, idk. I feel the same way right now. I"m sitting here typing while sitting at home alone and time alone makes me think... it just so happens that this semester I only have 2 days of school and the other 5 days plus free time on the 2 days im at school, i'm alone... thinking to myself is easy when i'm alone. which sucks alot.. because i'm feeling it right now and yesterday I felt indifferent..
tlegend Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 As someone who was usually the one who did the breaking up...I was the dumpee this time around. It's been about 2 months, I have yet to even look at another woman with interest. I tried, oh believe me I tried. Installed Tinder, got a date, freaked out the day of realizing I was definitely not over my ex. Cancelled the date. Tomorrow is Vday and I'm sure she has plans with my replacement. Ugh. Some days....are rough.
jphcbpa Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 take your time and heal up the way you need too. some BU are harder than others. be gentle with yourself. you will know when you are ready. and instead of "looking for it" (match, pof ect) just be open to something happening organically.
dozer561 Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 im 4 months out of a 7year relationship, and i cant even consider being ready to date yet. so, no, not everyone can move on so quickly and easily. (and i am not holding out hoping for reconciliation, i know its over), so i guess i will be ready, when i am ready. but not anytime soon, thats for sure.
Kevin_D Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 im 4 months out of a 7year relationship, and i cant even consider being ready to date yet. so, no, not everyone can move on so quickly and easily. (and i am not holding out hoping for reconciliation, i know its over), so i guess i will be ready, when i am ready. but not anytime soon, thats for sure. I'm 3 months out of a 6-year relationship. Dating helps. It's not about replacing my ex, but it helps me see things more clearly. My ex spent a lot of time explaining that everything was my fault, that she had tried everything and finally got enough and realised that she deserved better. Right after the breakup, I kind of believed her. I had often been in a bad mood and I got irritated when she wrote to this dude on Facebook all the time. I told her that I realised that I had made mistakes, wanted to change certain things and so on. She told me that was exactly what she wanted to hear from me. But she still didn't want to save the relationship. It was not until I started dating other girls, that I realised what it was all about. My ex had fallen in love with the Facebook dude. It wasn't my jealousy that was the problem, it was her feelings of guilt that caused all the drama. She didn't laugh at my jokes, she didn't care about things I made, when she asked me for advice she would always do the opposite... And she lied about everything, but that was my fault according to her, because I might get angry if she told me the truth about certain things. So, the girls I have been seeing are not girlfriend material at all. But they made me realise that I'm a fun guy to hang out with. That I have great sense of humor and can even be quite attractive. Finally, everything made sense. After 6 years, she had become bored. She wanted to try something new and exciting, but since I treated her so well, she didn't have the heart to leave me. She needed to convince herself that I actually was a bad boyfriend, so she started pushing my buttons. It was brilliant: - Flirt with other guys, accuse me of being jealous - On the other hand, if I talked to other girls, she would accuse me of not being loyal - Ask for advice, do the opposite, accuse me of being a control freak - Have zero interest in my hobbies, accuse me of being needy Meeting other girls have helped me realise that this was all a very pathetic way for her to try to rationalize a decision that was solely based on emotions (falling in love with somebody else). 1
mantlefan Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I'm 3 months out of a 6-year relationship. Dating helps. It's not about replacing my ex, but it helps me see things more clearly. My ex spent a lot of time explaining that everything was my fault, that she had tried everything and finally got enough and realised that she deserved better. Right after the breakup, I kind of believed her. I had often been in a bad mood and I got irritated when she wrote to this dude on Facebook all the time. I told her that I realised that I had made mistakes, wanted to change certain things and so on. She told me that was exactly what she wanted to hear from me. But she still didn't want to save the relationship. It was not until I started dating other girls, that I realised what it was all about. My ex had fallen in love with the Facebook dude. It wasn't my jealousy that was the problem, it was her feelings of guilt that caused all the drama. She didn't laugh at my jokes, she didn't care about things I made, when she asked me for advice she would always do the opposite... And she lied about everything, but that was my fault according to her, because I might get angry if she told me the truth about certain things. So, the girls I have been seeing are not girlfriend material at all. But they made me realise that I'm a fun guy to hang out with. That I have great sense of humor and can even be quite attractive. Finally, everything made sense. After 6 years, she had become bored. She wanted to try something new and exciting, but since I treated her so well, she didn't have the heart to leave me. She needed to convince herself that I actually was a bad boyfriend, so she started pushing my buttons. It was brilliant: - Flirt with other guys, accuse me of being jealous - On the other hand, if I talked to other girls, she would accuse me of not being loyal - Ask for advice, do the opposite, accuse me of being a control freak - Have zero interest in my hobbies, accuse me of being needy Meeting other girls have helped me realise that this was all a very pathetic way for her to try to rationalize a decision that was solely based on emotions (falling in love with somebody else). Wow. This perspective really helps me see my ex for what she was really doing. Thank you for sharing your story.
mantlefan Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 And she lied about everything, but that was my fault according to her, because I might get angry if she told me the truth about certain things. When I feel that I want my ex back, I will remember that she did this too.
makaveli Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I think that it depends on the length and quality of the relationship, the personality behind the person(s) involves, and the willingness to move on. Sometimes, moving on means solitary days and self-reflection. At other times, it means looking for new people. I think that the most important thing, above all else, is to go back to just being yourself. Go back to the happy person that you were before you were in a relationship. Personally, I am a bit hesitant to jump into a new relationship, but at the same time, anxious about my having "come full circle" and developing new attractions and new fantasies. While the thought of lost love still lingers, I believe that there has been ample time spent improving myself and reflecting on the past relationship that I once had. It's time to go out and find someone new.
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