lovemonster123 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Hey guys, I'm dealing with a truly un-ordinary situation and i could really use some input. My ex gf (24) and i (26) have been dating for about a year now. Like every couple, we had our ups and downs, really good (unforgettable) times and really bad times (fights that ended up in yelling cursing). I think of us as a couple with a lot of fire and love for each other and no matter what happened to us in the bad times, we always knew that we loved each other dearly and so we held on as if our life depended on it. She's a great girl -- caring, nice, fun to be with, but she also has her flaws. I guess in the beginning of our relationship she was a bit immature in that even though she knew she loved me so much and felt she couldn't live without me, she had many insecurities that led her to make mistakes as flirting with other guys (couple of occasions) via internet, or in front of me. I'm not sure if her motive was to make jealous or not, but we fought about it long and hard and eventually got to her that it is not cool for her to act that way, and she's really changed since then. Then about a month ago, she abruptly told me that she needed go live with her dad in a different country. Her parents are separated for the most part and she expressed her need to be with her dad who also wished she would stay with him for at least couple of months to be with him and just spend some quality time with him. I completely understood her reasoning for her having to leave, but at the same time i obviously didnt want her to go. We're a couple that spent almost every day together, her spending nights at my place ~6/7 days a week, and shared a lot of time together -- so you can see how dramatic of a lifechange it would be. When she left, she really expressed her need, her wanting me to wait for her and not do anything stupid or move on. I understood that it was her insecurity really making her uneasy, but i stuck through along with all the of the uncomfortable long distnace chat we had to have talking about how much we love each other, miss each other, and a lot of times basically reassuring her over and over how much i love her. It was difficult but we stuck through it -- just dreaming and hoping for the day that she would return. Then for one reason and/or another, i started getting suspicious. She always 'went to bed' at 10pm (her time) and 'woke up' (at 11AM) her time. She's the type to text me all the time and would alwasy respond quickly, so i knew that she was sleeping or doing something else during those 12-13 hour time blocks. My suspicion grew that she wasn't telling me the whole story, so i confronted her about it. Then (to keep a long story short) one day, i just had enough and demanded that she tells me the truth about what is going on, what she's hiding from. She finally opened up and told me that everything she told me was a lie -- her living in a different country, her being with her dad, her going to sleep. She told me that because of her family's financial troubles, she started working as a hostess at a bar in a metropolitan city in the US, and lived with other girls who worked at the same hostess bar. Now, what i mean by hostess is that she's not just a bartender, but her job is to entertain clients (mostly older, business-y) who come in to drink and have fun. She told me she doesnt have to sleep with them or do anything sexual, but she has to sit right next to them, flirt with them, and the clients usually have the arm around her getting drunk and enjoying the night. As you may have guessed, this type of hostess bar is a cultural thing and the girls that work there are like geishas (to give an example). At the same time, this particular profesesion in very looked down upon in my culture since its main duties are to service male clients who pay a lot of money for alcohol and entertainment. I've personally never been to a hostess bar so i do not know exactly what the limits are with touching or sexual activity, but i can only imagine what happens the things that would happen when you have a drunk client spending thousands of dollars for alchohol and entertainment. I was heart broken when i heard this news. I understood the part where she wanted to help her family financially, but at the same time i really couldn't stand the fact that she had to lie to me about all of this, and our every conversation about what we were doing each day while she went away seemed like a lie. I know that she loves me dearly, but it's was just so hard for me to imagine her working like this -- getting drunk every single night, flirting with men..and even the thought of her having to pretend to enjoy this (whether she did or not), having different clients touching her..really was hard for me to grasp and accept. Sigh.. not only that, but the fact that she had to lie to me all this time really led me to think that this type of thing can happen in the future as well and i don't know how i can bear thinking of what she is doing. So i exploded on her. I texted her and expressed to her how angry and betrayed i felt. I told her how much this affects me, how much it angers me, how stupid she was to not even try to talk to me about it and make me understand before she left -- so that i can at least prepare or TRY to understand why she has to do this. I was so upset at the fact that she couldn't tell me what she was leaving to do, because she loved me so much and thought that i would break up with her. On the other side, i wanted to her to be honest with me and said that if i couldn't handle what was going on, at least i would understand and let go of the relationship in a more understanding manner. After she told me this news, i broke up with her immediately and she ended up contacting her parents, who then later contacted me with fury and anger of how badly i've treated their daughter. Now, im in a situation where the family hates me, i've really hurt my gf, and i myself is in a situation where i'm still in disbelief of what's happened and what she's doing..and i really don't see a solution to any of these problems here so i've set my mind on a really difficult break up... Apologies for such a long story, but any input would be appreciated. Thanks, John
flightplan Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 It sounds like to me that she was afraid of telling you because of how you might react and it turns out she was right. Not excusing her deceit, she should have been upfront from the beginning but you reacted just like she thought you would which she had hoped to avoid in the first place. 1
FailedFirstLove Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Hey When I was reading your story I could understand how you feel, I wouldn't want my boyfriend to flirt with other girls even if it was a job,.. My question wud be... Why can't she get other jobs? There are so many jobs out there that may require more work or labour but at the end of the day both parties are happy. And regardless of how scared she was she should have told you.... Or at least discussed it with you beforehand. Now the trust is lost and even if you get back every time she's not replying your going to think something is up... Worst of all the family situation... They should have never came and talked to you, it's between you and her... You will never feel okay with them again :/ 1
makaveli Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 If it's her own personal problem, then unfortunately, the best thing that you can do is let her know that you will be there for her, and just leave her alone for a while.
David87 Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 The thing is like this: You were never her priority, her family was. She was afraid to tell you that she is a hostess because she knew how you would react. I don't understand why the parents called you, when their daughter is a hostess. There's nothing to fix here, just let it go. If it were to get back together you always remember that she was touched by 1000 strange drunk guys and you aren't the apple of her parents eyes either. So move on.
Author lovemonster123 Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 Her parents know that she's a hostess..but is ok with the fact that she is because of their dire situation for money..and as much as i understand her family is her priority, its just a ****ty situation for me to be in..it just sucks that we always discussed our future together, have great chemistry, and also the sex chemistry between us was unparalled..sigh i wish there was a silver lining here but its very thin, if at all..thanks
Author lovemonster123 Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 she couldn't get a jb that pays as much as the hostess job..without college education and experience...is this something that i should try to understand? it bothers me so much that her job is to flirt with drunk guys..and the fact that its so taboo in our society is making it worse..not only that but i dont plan on supporting her financially anytime soon and if situation like this rises again in the near future, i dont think she would not make the choice to go back to the job...is there any positive solution to this mess..? its still so hard for me to believe that her parents would be OK with her diong this since she's close to them and they are depending on Her to make money for them...it just seems like there's so many layers to this mess, and so many issues other than our love for each other is stacked against me..what can i do?
David87 Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 She bailed in a very bad way and she should have told you the truth as bad as it was.
makaveli Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 She bailed in a very bad way and she should have told you the truth as bad as it was. i agree with david here
FailedFirstLove Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 That would be a deal breaker for me... You have to consider if that is the same for you or can you handle it? I can't stand her lying either. It's going to make you wonder what she's doing everytime she's late or doesn't contact back. Etc... And your mind may wonder to who she is with... What she is doing to her client etc... It's tough I'm so sorry.
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