crackerjax9 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 My bf (ex now) of 1 year a half dumped me on Monday night through a text message. I'm beyond heartbroken. He hadnt called me all day or texted me all day on Monday & I was upset about that so I texted him Monday night asking what he was doing and he said watching tv. I sent a text back saying nice of you to talk to your gf all day. I guess that made him snap because we started arguing and then he broke up with me. The reason he said he broke up with me is because hes not happy. Yet, he still claims he loves me. Lately I've felt so insecure in our relationship & have been questioning if he still loves me or not. All I've been looking for from him is some re assurance. We've had a rough couple of months and I just needed him to show me that hes still in love with me & cares about me. His grandmother passed away a few days before & maybe me bugging him about not calling kind of pushed him to break up with me, but c'mon. Doesnt he have a soul? Its valentines day week. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow & having all the other girls get flowers from their boyfriends. I unfriended him on facebook & gave him back his house key. I'm miserable. We've broken up a couple of times before and gotten back together, so I hope he didnt just break up with me out of spite because I'm not about an on and off relationship. I'm too old for that. I still can't believe he chose this week to break up with me. And on top of that through a text. I hate my life right now and feel so lost. Help me get through this please. What do I do?
TaraMaiden Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 You think Valentine's day trumps a death in the family? REALLY - ? I think you come across as needy, selfish and inconsiderate. The guy is sad, mourning and withdrawn. You recounter with sarcasm. What did you expect? Your insecurity is your problem.... Sorry, but in this case, my sympathies lie with him.... 8
Author crackerjax9 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 You think Valentine's day trumps a death in the family? REALLY - ? I think you come across as needy, selfish and inconsiderate. The guy is sad, mourning and withdrawn. You recounter with sarcasm. What did you expect? Your insecurity is your problem.... Sorry, but in this case, my sympathies lie with him.... I'm sorry but breaking up with someone you supposedly love and care about through a text bc you're depressed isnt a good excuse. I think I deserve more respect than that. At least pick up the phone.
Phoe Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I agree with TaraMaiden. It's very immature and selfish of you to think some made up Hallmark holiday is more important than his grandmother's death. He deserves better treatment than that. SOMEONE DIED. And you're worried about your coworkers getting flowers instead of you? Wow. 6
Phoe Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I was upset about that so I texted him Monday night asking what he was doing and he said watching tv. I sent a text back saying nice of you to talk to your gf all day. His grandmother died. Instead of making it about YOU, why not be supportive of him? Be there for him, give him space if he needs it or comfort if he needs it, instead of getting mad at him about not giving you attention.
Author crackerjax9 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 I agree with TaraMaiden. It's very immature and selfish of you to think some made up Hallmark holiday is more important than his grandmother's death. He deserves better treatment than that. SOMEONE DIED. And you're worried about your coworkers getting flowers instead of you? Wow. I'm confused. I understand his grandma died and gave him my sympathies for that. I was with him for several days after she died. I brought him dinners I held him, I was there for him. I do not think its more important than hallmark holiday and I do not know why you are assuming that I think that. This break up happened several days later. HE BROKE UP WITH ME. I'M SAD. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I came here for help. I don't know why you are attacking me.
TaraMaiden Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I'm sorry but breaking up with someone you supposedly love and care about through a text bc you're depressed isnt a good excuse. I think I deserve more respect than that. At least pick up the phone. Good point. Why didn't YOU pick up the 'phone and talk to him? Maybe his cooling his affections recently, is because you've become clingy, needy insecure and frankly, a pain when he could well do with support, love, understanding and compassion. Nope. You're still not convincing me of your lily-whilte justification here........ 2
Author crackerjax9 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 His grandmother died. Instead of making it about YOU, why not be supportive of him? Be there for him, give him space if he needs it or comfort if he needs it, instead of getting mad at him about not giving you attention. But he ended things with me because hes not happy and said he hasnt been for awhile. I dont think I should be reaching out to him anymore. Wont that make me look pathetic?
Phoe Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I'm sorry but breaking up with someone you supposedly love and care about through a text bc you're depressed isnt a good excuse. I think I deserve more respect than that. At least pick up the phone. Yes, breaking up through text is less than ideal, and I don't condone that for anyone, but if that is the only thing you're taking away from this situation, then you are missing a lot. Yes, I'm being harsh here, but I want you to see everything else in this situation, I want you to see beyond being dumped through text. There's more going on here.
Author crackerjax9 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Good point. Why didn't YOU pick up the 'phone and talk to him? Maybe his cooling his affections recently, is because you've become clingy, needy insecure and frankly, a pain when he could well do with support, love, understanding and compassion. Nope. You're still not convincing me of your lily-whilte justification here........ I mean yea, I'm sure my insecurities lately have pushed him away. But there's reasoning for that & i thought maybe by letting him know how im feeling instead of keeping it all bundled inside would help save our relationship. I did pick up the phone afterward & asked him several times if this is what he wanted. I cried, I begged. Maybe letting him know about my insecurities while he was mourning was selfish of me and I'm sorry I did that, but what do I do from here?
Author crackerjax9 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Do i text him now and let him know I'm sorry for being selfish & for bugging him when he probably just wanted to be left alone?
TaraMaiden Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Let him come to you. In the meantime, don't contact him, and work instead, on why your self-esteem is so low and why you're so insecure. Neediness and insecurity is the last thing he wants right now. he has other things on his mind, and a clingy GF with a whiny poor excuse, is not something he either wants or needs to focus on.
Author crackerjax9 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Let him come to you. In the meantime, don't contact him, and work instead, on why your self-esteem is so low and why you're so insecure. Neediness and insecurity is the last thing he wants right now. he has other things on his mind, and a clingy GF with a whiny poor excuse, is not something he either wants or needs to focus on. Okay, so dont text him? I have a text written up apologizing for bugging him on Monday and being selfish when he probably just needed space. I know exactly why I am insecure. I dealt with an abusive relationship for three years. That guy tore my self esteem to shreds and made me feel worthless. He called me every name in the book & beat the crap out of me every time he could. He cheated on me over 20 times and manipulated me to the point where I wanted to just die. Its just little things that happen that set me off that make me feel insecure about us. Like he'll do something, and I'm immediately back in a relationship with that ****ty guy & thinking he doesnt love me, hes cheating on me, etc. He knows about this but I guess doesnt fully understand. And maybe i do need my space because I'm obviously not over what I went through.
TaraMaiden Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Okay, so dont text him? I have a text written up apologizing for bugging him on Monday and being selfish when he probably just needed space....'needed space'. Which he still needs. Don't send it, you just confirm your insecurity and neediness. I know exactly why I am insecure. I dealt with an abusive relationship for three years. That guy tore my self esteem to shreds and made me feel worthless. He called me every name in the book & beat the crap out of me every time he could. He cheated on me over 20 times and manipulated me to the point where I wanted to just die. I'm not going to give you my long-past history, but get this: I may have had reasons for why I behaved in certain ways, but at one point, you have to quit using the past as justification for present behaviour. Past experiences are no excuse for your continuing to mess up in the present. If you have a problem, face it, confront it, deal with it. It's your baggage, and you have no right to let it affect someone else. Its just little things that happen that set me off that make me feel insecure about us. Like he'll do something, and I'm immediately back in a relationship with that ****ty guy & thinking he doesnt love me, hes cheating on me, etc. This is YOUR insecurity, not HIS failing. You've been with the guy a good while. You should know him by now... He knows about this but I guess doesnt fully understand. Why should he? He's not your therapist. It's not his job to 'fix' you, and there's no reason why he should make excess allowances for something you haven't fully dealt with.... And maybe i do need my space because I'm obviously not over what I went through Wise bit of insight. Text sent. Which just says: "I know you're still hurting, but I still want you to notice me and make allowances for my problems." Bad idea. 3
Grumpybutfun Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Your bf just suffered a loss. Getting over the death of a grandmother doesn't happen in two or three days. Dealing with an insecure gf who needs the world to revolve around her when you are grieving is overwhelming to a young man. Worrying about Valentines Day because you are more concerned with competing with your friends and people at work shown immaturity in you that you need to address before having a serious relationship. Valentines Day is not the time to show your friends what a caring thoughtful bf you have because he bought you a Pandora bracelet or a dozen long stem roses. If that is it for you, you have the wrong idea about the holiday which is supposed to be about spending time showing the other person what they mean to you. As far as your former relationship, it is your responsibility when coming out of a situation like that to do whatever you must to heal yourself instead of dragging your baggage into the next relationship. You have to take responsibility for your involvement with an abusive person. The difference between well adjusted healthy women who are in great relationships with healthy men and women who are abused is what they accept and expect and how long they stay. Don't stay for one second more when red flags start to fly. Also, don't expect your next bf to heal you. That isn't his job. Right now you are a bottomless black hole of need and your bf, who just lost his grandmother, just can't do enough or be enough for you because you need to learn how to fill it yourself. This is for the best. You need to work on yourself and learn how to be a good person who is giving and receptive to learning how to take care emotionally of yourself. Good luck, Grumps 1
Author crackerjax9 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Your bf just suffered a loss. Getting over the death of a grandmother doesn't happen in two or three days. Dealing with an insecure gf who needs the world to revolve around her when you are grieving is overwhelming to a young man. Worrying about Valentines Day because you are more concerned with competing with your friends and people at work shown immaturity in you that you need to address before having a serious relationship. Valentines Day is not the time to show your friends what a caring thoughtful bf you have because he bought you a Pandora bracelet or a dozen long stem roses. If that is it for you, you have the wrong idea about the holiday which is supposed to be about spending time showing the other person what they mean to you. As far as your former relationship, it is your responsibility when coming out of a situation like that to do whatever you must to heal yourself instead of dragging your baggage into the next relationship. You have to take responsibility for your involvement with an abusive person. The difference between well adjusted healthy women who are in great relationships with healthy men and women who are abused is what they accept and expect and how long they stay. Don't stay for one second more when red flags start to fly. Also, don't expect your next bf to heal you. That isn't his job. Right now you are a bottomless black hole of need and your bf, who just lost his grandmother, just can't do enough or be enough for you because you need to learn how to fill it yourself. This is for the best. You need to work on yourself and learn how to be a good person who is giving and receptive to learning how to take care emotionally of yourself. Good luck, Grumps I was just using the flowers thing because I know i'll be upset about that when i see other girls boyfriends showing them they love them. And mine clearly doesnt because he broke up with me. Obviously the holiday is about spending it with the one you love, and we do that, we make dinner, play music, have some romance. Thats why I was so heartbroken over it because i was looking forward to that. & for him to break up with me a few days before just devastated me. I dont know. Thank you for your thoughts.
rosedl Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I think everyone is being too harsh. Yeah. You should have given him space but given the fact that you were bringing him dinners, holding him during his grief, and providing him emotional support through his loss, a comment of 'nice of you not to call your girlfriend all day' is forgivable.... He could have simply told you he needed space and was not in a good emotional place. Instead, he dumped you via text. This whole thing seems to predate the death and it sounds as if he has been becoming more distant for a while. I am not surprised that you were feeling vulnerable and reaching out for reassurance with this dynamic going on. It isn't uncommon for women to start getting a little clingy or needy when they sense a partner pulling away and you crossed a line at a bad time. You sound as if you have a volatile relationship with the previous breakups in a short time. I wouldn't text him. I would write him an email apologizing for being insensitive to him during a vulnerable time, simply state you have been feeling vulnerable with his distance and were seeking out reassurance in indirect ways to alleviate your anxiety around what has been occurring between the two of you. Then, tell him that you will respect his decision to end the relationship. And, then don't contact him anymore. If he wants to resume the relationship in the future, he will contact you. Don't chase. Look at the unhealthy patterns that occurred in the relationship and look to understand your role so that you can grow and not repeat these patterns in the next relationship. All you can do is take responsibility for your behavior, and then leave him alone. 3
fixing Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Wow. I dont get the attacking nature going on in here against the OP????? What did i miss?? Her BF of 18 months just dumped her by text on Valentines week. She has a right to be upset! They're not kids. I understand he is sad about his grandmother but she was there for him through that. Obv he didnt dump her because of her 'sarcastic' text that day.... It was probably brewing for a while. Anyways, as always, i guess all you can do is NC. He chose to end it. Dont fixate on valentines day because its all hype, a load of bollox. If you genuinely did nothing wrong for this to end then NC, but if you do some soul searching and think you DID do something wrong then apoligise for it. 2
pickflicker Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 My bf (ex now) of 1 year a half dumped me on Monday night through a text message. I'm beyond heartbroken. He hadnt called me all day or texted me all day on Monday & I was upset about that so I texted him Monday night asking what he was doing and he said watching tv. I sent a text back saying nice of you to talk to your gf all day. I guess that made him snap because we started arguing and then he broke up with me. The reason he said he broke up with me is because hes not happy. Yet, he still claims he loves me. Lately I've felt so insecure in our relationship & have been questioning if he still loves me or not. All I've been looking for from him is some re assurance. We've had a rough couple of months and I just needed him to show me that hes still in love with me & cares about me. His grandmother passed away a few days before & maybe me bugging him about not calling kind of pushed him to break up with me, but c'mon. Doesnt he have a soul? Its valentines day week. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow & having all the other girls get flowers from their boyfriends. I unfriended him on facebook & gave him back his house key. I'm miserable. We've broken up a couple of times before and gotten back together, so I hope he didnt just break up with me out of spite because I'm not about an on and off relationship. I'm too old for that. I still can't believe he chose this week to break up with me. And on top of that through a text. I hate my life right now and feel so lost. Help me get through this please. What do I do? His grandmother died, you made it all about you and V-Day (an utterly meaningless day), you've only been dating a year, and you've had multiple break ups before? My advice? Time to grow up, sweetie. His grandmother dying is all about him, and your needs come a distant second when a relative dies. 2
Author crackerjax9 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Thank you Fixing and rosedl for the support. I really wish you were here an hour ago before I sent the text because now I just feel even more awful for texting in the first place. The dumping thing has happened a couple of times before over silly things instead of just telling eachother we need our space or just fighting. I feel like we set ourselves up for this to happen again and here I am...again. And this on and off thing that we've started to do is not something I don't want to be a part of. I apologized through text and told him I respect his decision. He just texted me back saying he is with family and can text me tonight if I'd like. What should i say to that? Or just ignore it? Honestly, I'm just so upset & hurt by him in the last couple of months that maybe breaking up is the best thing. I love him a lot but if I'm feeling so uneasy and resentful then maybe its unfixable Or maybe we just need to be apart for awhile. I hate this feeling I hate having to get over someone. 1
fixing Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Good girl. Dont bother texting back. You both need to cool off imo. And, wtf about all the others attacking you?? They are acting like you were with him 2 weeks, his grandmum dies, hes silent, you flip out and text him selfishly making it all about you. Did that happen? NO.............. You have shared 18 months of your lives together, your adults, your supposed to be an item. Bereavement doesn't and shouldnt make one neglect their other half. Of course, the other half (Non bereaved) should back up and be patient, but sounds like you were with him and supported him... So now, he dumped you. Well, sounds like he is really cut up. Ypu have said sorry, not much more you can do. Play it by year. But for me, step back and do the no contact, but if he reaches out then its upto you how you feel you should respond. If you love him and he loves you then you should be together and work on it. Relax, a little time to reflect on both parts will do you both a world of good.
Sandy99 Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 It sounds like your boyfriend treated you pretty harshly. Even if his grandmother did die, he could have told you that he was hurting from that and to give him some space. Instead you have to sit and wonder how he's feeling and what you should do and then he dumps you by text. A person should at least pick up the phone and do the dumping. But I think your ex is going through a rough time now because of his grandmother's death and maybe just tell him you're there for him if he wants to talk, but you will leave him alone now. Just start thinking of Valentine's day for what it is....a marketing scheme by companies who want people to stock up on flowers and chocolate so they can increase their profits, and you'll feel better. 4
lonegirl Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 People are too picking on how he broke up, went harsh on her but c'mon... I too lost my grandma last december. Was having a terrible time with my boyfriend a day before she passed away, and I know if he continued the arguments the days right after her funeral I would have broken up the relationship too, by text, facebook message or whatever, and wouldn't care less. Just because I wouldn't want to face the pain of losing someone I loved so much like my grandma AND at the same time need to deal with my spoiled selfish boyfriend that thinks everything is about him, him, him. Boyfriend had enough sensibility to forget all crap and let me focus on my pain, and proved he was more than a boyfriend but my true FRIEND, by leaving me alone when I needed and being there when I needed him to be. So, having walked in your boyfriend's shoes, I can understand exactly why he broke up with you. My advice is to leave him alone for now, as he is truly needing this time for himself, and just forget this year's Vday. He may come back, he may not... go NC.
Author crackerjax9 Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 Okay so after he texted me saying he was with family I said sorry for texting you at a bad time. I think I said all I needed to say but unless you have something to say there's no need to text me tonight. I was sure he would text me but he didn't I'm so depressed and it's only 8 in the morning. I was so strong last night cried only a little but and then talked to my sister and was looking on the bright side of things if this break up is actually real. I'm sure it is now. This feeling just sucks. I feel so rejected and betrayed.
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