jennysuzie Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 My ex broke up with me just before xmas....we work together which isn't the best idea for when you're trying to get over someone. Anyway, after the initial shock I was ok for the first month or so, I managed to channel a lot of 'hate' towards him which helped me to get on with things a bit better. it was textbook getting over someone....gym, going out, getting back to 'me' again. so the other day I had to work directly with him for the first time....we got on ok, even had a little fun. I suddenly realised it was so much easier just hating him. it really messed with my head. I was in a complete state all weekend. I decided the other day I can't do the whole 'friends' thing with him, that's what he wants, he just wants to forget about the last two years, the way he f'ed me over just before xmas, filled my head full of crap, and made me believe he was someone he wasn't and I was someone I wasn't!! I told him this and he wasn't impressed, it just doesn't see my point of view, never has. the Christian part of me knows he doesn't deserve my hate, and god knows I really don't, but I can't get past the feeling that its the only thing that will help ME at the minute, from a selfish point of view. My head and my heart is in total ruins at the moment. I know this will to hate is just coming from my sadness. But I can't be friends with him, knowing he is moving on, making plans that don't include me. It's a way of protecting myself I suppose? what do you guys think?
themotion Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Hey there. Sorry to hear that you're finding things a little tricky. I think that although training yourself to hate someone can help a little, It may make you feel like a bad person, which I'm sure you really aren't. I do feel however, that it is important to remind yourself that you deserve better than to feel uncomfortable when you're at work. I would just treat him in a professional manner, think of him as any other colleague and he'll only respect you in the long run (not that you'll care). Loose yourself in your work and remind yourself that he may as well not exist once you've headed home. You really need to think about YOU, in the same manner that he is. If he tries the 'friend card' again, I'd just suggest politely that you feel it would be more healthy for both of you to maintain your own space, as you're moving on with things. Also, try not to worry too much about how you feel, just go with it. It's completely normal to feel many emotions (even at the same time), after a break up. You'll look back in a few months and struggle to realise why you were so 'cut up' about the situation. You'll be far stronger too! Bring on the future! 1
pie2 Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Hating him might feel good right now, but in the long run it will only bring destruction. It's really damaging to your physical body and your soul to hold on to that kind of energy. Try to let go, jenny. Don't do it for him, do it for you. 1
Allumere Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 oh the line between love and hate is so very fine! Sorry huni but you don't hate nor have you ever hated him....real deep-seated hate does not allow you to work together and even have a little fun. Realty is it felt good...that ain't hate. Now anger, that's a different thing and it can be useful. It can force you to take action (hopefully with thought), maybe help you see that things weren't so rosy, and move on. No God doesn't want you hating and he doesn't want you to be angry but you ain't offering up something he hasn't seen or heard a million times before. So offer it up to him as best you can. 1
Author jennysuzie Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Thanks for your replies......pie2 you are right i have to let go of hate and bad feeling for my own sake not his! How true is that! Im working on it 1
portableversion Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 (edited) forgiveness is a process......I met with a friend recently who was struggling with the end of her relationship. She sought me out cause she saw That I had managed to not shoot myself in the shower, from relationship death. Ur right God does indeed put many challenges on us that seem impossible to meet. Many talk of being kind to others, and we must not forget to be kind to ourselves.. Just as we are supposed to recognize those around us are children of God we cannot forget that we ourselves are children of god too. One thing that I had to realize and accept was that my x had never really respected me at all for who I am. Part of this is my fault cause I was too much of a coward to stand up for who I was. And then you mix in the issues of chronic pot abuse and alcohol abuse and you get a huge mess. BUt my friend she likes to read to me a book , rather passages from this book call " the lies women believe" . now this can offer much insight to males too and she knows that so she reads me parts of the book that resonate with her and we talk. And we talk a lot. One part we discussed was a mom who had to drive by a home wherein lived a kid who had killed her kid. She said it took her years upon years to forgive this person. some days were better than others but she kept at it and knew she had to forgive the murderer of her child.................One thing me must know about hate is that when we lie in bed late at night planning the demise of our enemies and get sick with the fury anger and hatred, those other people have more than likely moved on with their lives and don't care about us and who were. Forgiveness is a gift to the self for self love, and no... harboring hate is no good at all > Just remember that in 500 years from now all things that stressed us and pleased us will be gone and it will be a whole new story. No one will care or know of the problems that we face unless we be like rosa parks and affected many around us. It sucks to say sit but yet refreshing to say that my life is not my own. My life is not important but it is important enough to not shoot yourself or drive your car off a bridge. ... I will acknowledge that it hurts greatly to be rejected by a lover. A lover that you sacrificed all that you could possibly give to that person, and yet they do not treat you like a human being but more like a child or something even less and they leave you for someone else. This old lover seems so happy with the new lover and we are here alone, with our thoughts and daily and nightly meditations. Yes it hurts a lot and it takes much time depending on how much you loved the one who will more than likely never come back. The challenge is up to us to survive the rejection. Will me make it or will we be the next obituary notice? Personally I feel I am done with this world it has done nothing but offer me much pain and dissatisfaction, but for the sake of my own mom and my 2 boys I find the will to struggle onwards to become happy and joyous and free. I cry a lot but they tell me that is ok. As long as I find the courage and strength to help those less fortunate than me.. It s is a hard life and I find it hard to be satisfied or happy but I struggle onwards......I miss being with my x wife but for real she never respected me or treated me right. Part of it is my fault for not standing up for who I am and then a healthy dose is her fault. I must contend myself that even though I desperately I wanted to find a way to make us work and I felt there was a very strong possibility to make it work she quickly left me and married someone else. And this new else person is going to be the fella who sees my sons more than I do. I love my boys so much and it hurts very badly to not see them. This whole thing hurts so badly ....coworkers at work tuned into a radio station and they were playing the cure ..... it was a song she introduced me too... I had to pray I missed her , but she gone. SHes remarried and the boys have a step dad. It was so fast my head still spins. Though the fact still remains thatshe never respected me for who I am and I had to try to be something for her I could not. Ultimately it was a total failure ........ The casualties are very high from this. I just have to have faith that now I'm working with God , that he/she s gona lead me to better pastures. Keep praying, God was taking me away from her cause God knew that my ex wife was the wrong person for me. I can see now that she was the wrong person for me, sure it hurts but I have to look forward and remember to not make the same mistakes , never again. Edited February 16, 2014 by portableversion
amaysngrace Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Don't hate him. Learn to forgive him. Know that he brought things to your life...some good, some bad...and in the end it just wasn't enough. Recognize that you deserve better than someone like him but wish him well for the good he has inside him. Hatred is worse for the one who is harboring it than the person it's directed at. Always. Learn to let it go.
Itspointless Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 No God doesn't want you hating and he doesn't want you to be angry but you ain't offering up something he hasn't seen or heard a million times before. So offer it up to him as best you can. Apart from religion, anger can be a very useful emotion as long as you do not use it to hurt another living being. Self-preservation is not the same as selfishness. Hate is different, hate is unhealthy as it eats you up and potentially can break others down. Be angry if you have been treated unjust, just do not use your anger to take revenge or to destroy.
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