Jo_lee Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I recently got out of a failed marriage, we were together for nearly twenty years and best friends for even longer. We have one beautiful child together, who has been my world since the day she was born. One day, we just woke up and found that we were different people, living separate lives in the same house. The relationship left me feeling sad and unattractive. It was around this time that I became attracted to my neighbor's son. He is just five years older than my daughter. He seems to like me too... At first I was horrified but then it's as if age just stopped being a part of the equation. He is so optimistic and adventurous and that is just what I need after almost a decade of feeling like my life was just the same repetition of events. Is it normal to be attracted to younger men?? Have any of you dated younger after a divorce?? I would love some advice. 1
TheNewMe2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Can anyone define what normal is? But ages would help us provide some feedback. If you are 40 and he's 20 - that's different than 50/30 or 60/40. Age is something, that overall, shouldn't be a factor if two people care for each other. but with that age difference - the relationship will be constantly filled with challenges. Will, when he is 40 and still very active - be happy with someone at 60? Are you looking for long-term or some short-term fun? I think you have to be realistic to the challenges it presents, as well, the reasons you are doing it. There are couples (and I've known one) that had that age difference - it worked. He passed on, she was still in her 40's. But they were very happy together. 1
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 How young are we talking about here? Is this like a teenager? I have dated plenty of younger men, 10-15 years younger than me but I am 48 so a man 10 years younger is 38 so he has some living in him. Sure, if you like younger men's attention by all means have fun! That's what we're suppose to do when we're coming out of a relationship. 1
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Forgot! I did not start dating younger men after my divorce. I started dating younger men after being disappointed over and over by men my age 2
Author Jo_lee Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Can anyone define what normal is? But ages would help us provide some feedback. If you are 40 and he's 20 - that's different than 50/30 or 60/40. Age is something, that overall, shouldn't be a factor if two people care for each other. but with that age difference - the relationship will be constantly filled with challenges. Will, when he is 40 and still very active - be happy with someone at 60? Are you looking for long-term or some short-term fun? I think you have to be realistic to the challenges it presents, as well, the reasons you are doing it. There are couples (and I've known one) that had that age difference - it worked. He passed on, she was still in her 40's. But they were very happy together. You make a good point, normal is definitely subjective. I just wonder how much experience other people have of this kind of feeling and what challenges people have faced having a relationship with an age gap. I know it is quite normal for a man to be older but less common for a woman. I can't believe I forgot to mention my age! (That is the whole point of my threat LOL.) I am 44, and he is 23, so it is a very notable difference.
TaraMaiden Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 My uncle married a girl aged 28, when he was 56. His daughter was 30 (he was widowed). His wife is lovely, attractive, very good friends with his children, and sees things from their PoV. Occasionally, she's acted as go-between when tempers have flared! If you love someone, age is immaterial. Look at Jackie Collins, look at Hugh Jackman, look at Susan Sarandon. Look at me. He's only 5 years, 7 weeks and one day, younger than I (I couldn't sleep one night, I worked it out!) but my H and I are very happy.... My dad was 11 years my mother's senior, and my Grandmother was 11 years OLDER than my grandfather. The only caveat is that, once you reach old age, the younger spouse becomes a carer, too.... 2
Author Jo_lee Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Hi Gaeta, No definitely not a teenager, a 23 year old, so 21 years younger than me. I understand what you mean, I just worry that it will be perceived as too taboo?
Author Jo_lee Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 My uncle married a girl aged 28, when he was 56. His daughter was 30 (he was widowed). His wife is lovely, attractive, very good friends with his children, and sees things from their PoV. Occasionally, she's acted as go-between when tempers have flared! If you love someone, age is immaterial. Look at Jackie Collins, look at Hugh Jackman, look at Susan Sarandon. Look at me. He's only 5 years, 7 weeks and one day, younger than I (I couldn't sleep one night, I worked it out!) but my H and I are very happy.... My dad was 11 years my mother's senior, and my Grandmother was 11 years OLDER than my grandfather. The only caveat is that, once you reach old age, the younger spouse becomes a carer, too.... Hi Tara, that is really good to hear. I'm really scared to tell my daughter because she grew up around him... She views him like an older sibling, I think. And I really don't think she is ready to hear about me moving on.
TaraMaiden Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 You fear judgement and revulsion. You fear she will be critical, disdainful, and look down on you in shock/horror. There are prejudices and criticisms whatever we choose to do. The only guarantee you have in this life is that your choices have consequences. Nobody can predict what they will be. But this much is certain (as I have discovered for myself): Nobody will thank you if you sacrifice what you really want to do, for doing what they expect you to do. We have all taken actions at one point or another which others have found wanting. It's a human trait of those we love, to assume they have a right to judge us most harshly. Those we love, we feel, need to conform to an ideal we invent, an ideal we suppose are characteristics of that person's role in our lives. as a mother, you should love and be with, her father. As her mother, you *should not* have feelings for someone as young as she is. But until you verify this, my comments are hypothetical. It all depends on how liberal and compassionate an attitude you feel she has developed, under the auspices of being your daughter. Only you know how you've brought her up, and what conditioning she has absorbed..... 2
Author Jo_lee Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Wow, that is some really strong advice. What you said about no one thanking you for sacrificing what you really want to do really resonates with my relationship with my ex husband. It is definitely something I will bear in mind. Now my kid is all grown up it is really time to start living my life. That said, you are quite sure that it is wrong to like someone just above her age? She is quite an open-minded young lady but I always proceed with caution when it comes to my kids.
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 My daughter is 26, when I start dating someone her first question is 'how old is he' lol. At her age she feels if I date under 33 I am fishing in her pound so I don't and here is why. My daughter is the most important living being in my life. My relationship with her has priority over ANY man!! Men will come and go, I will not put my daughter in a situation where she is unhappy and this for the sake of a few good moments with a younger man. So, OP, he's 23, you are both consenting adults but pleaseeeeee remember it's for FUN, it's new, and it may last a couple of weeks, a couple of months only! As for your daughter, if she has a bad reaction to you dating a 23 yo it's not worth you create a wall between your child and you because of this man. You are newly free, it feels like it's special, when you'll be single for a couple of years you'll know there is a lot of 'special' men out there but FEW are genuine and meant to last. 1
Author Jo_lee Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Gaeta, you are completely right. I have been so caught up in the excitement of the situation that I forgot about how unimportant this flirtation is in relation to my relationship with my daughter. You seem like someone who has had lots of good experiences. How do you find younger men?
TaraMaiden Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 That said, you are quite sure that it is wrong to like someone just above her age? No, not at all... She is quite an open-minded young lady but I always proceed with caution when it comes to my kids. I was just putting forward what an awful lot of stereotypical opinions might be in the heads of children, with reference to their parents... That's why I added that my comments are hypothetical. I actually have no idea what your daughter's opinions may be. It may even be that she has mixed feelings: on the one hand, happy for you to do what makes you happy, but on the other, confused that your affections are for this guy.... I don't know. There's only one real way to find out - isn't there.....?
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 You seem like someone who has had lots of good experiences. How do you find younger men? I have seen a few things in my life. I have been married for 15 years and after that I was single for 10. So I know both worlds very well. I had never dated younger before 45, I started dating them by pure coincidence, I was not looking for it. First I find younger men refreshing comparing to men my own age and above. Younger men don't suffer from the 'men don't cry' syndrome. They talk, they share, they aren't bitter and burnt and resentful like older men, they're willing to follow their guts, take chances, risk it in the name of 'love' 'destiny' and whatever else, they're more open sexually and are not intimidated by the fact you have more experience, they welcome it. They're untouched by your baggage, they don't care if you work with your ex, or stayed friends with an ex lover. Try to pull that one on a 50 yo man. So yes, I do like younger man but maybe it has more to do with the fact there is a long list of things I cannot stand from men in my age group. 3
Author Jo_lee Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Hi there Ladies! Sorry for the slow response, I've been busy all weekend taking my daughter swimming and doing general bonding things together. Tara, I completely agree with you. Only I know my daughter and how to gauge her reaction but I have decided that dating the neighbour would be just too close to home (forgive the pun). Gaeta, I relate to all the things you are saying. I find younger men so much more hopeful and always aspiring to something, rather than just reflecting on the things that they have already done. How did you meet these lovely fellas? 2
Author Jo_lee Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) Whooops, didn't mean to post that twice! Edited February 17, 2014 by Jo_lee
Author Jo_lee Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Hi all, Just thought I would update you - recent events have made me INCREDIBLY glad I did not move things forward with my neighbour. Turns out he kissed my daughter! The cheek.
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 LMAO!! Is he too old for her?? Just kidding..... Oh well, I think you have your answer now! 1
Gaeta Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Hi all, Just thought I would update you - recent events have made me INCREDIBLY glad I did not move things forward with my neighbour. Turns out he kissed my daughter! The cheek. What?? lol
soccerrprp Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 With such an age difference, I would have some concern that the younger man was not only interested in a sexual relationship. You know, the young buck going after the cougar. If that is okay, then go for it. But, it seems you have your answer any way. And despite the romantic view of age does not matter....well, the truth is that it does and oftentimes becomes an issue later. Especially 20+ years difference. I have not met a single woman who did not comment on age as a factor, whether too young or much older.
Author Jo_lee Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 soccerrprp I understand what you mean, and yet I think older women younger man relationships often get an unfairly negative perception, especially this 'cougar' idea. Whats the difference from say, an older man dating a younger woman? Needless to say, my neighbor is no longer in my considerations but I still think the idea of seeing a younger man who has more hope and aspiration appeals to me. Have any of you tried online dating to find partners? I have been using eharmony but it just doesn't seem to accommodate what I'm looking for. Has anyone here ever tried Older Women and Toyboy Dating It seems to have a really large membership.
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 From a man's perspective. I'm 40 and have been divorced 5 years. I would say 90% of the women I've dated have been 28 and below. There is nothing wrong with dating younger people IMO. I say live life and if younger guys are your thing more power to you! 1
StanMusial Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 It's normal for you to be attracted to a strapping young buck perhaps. But it would be outside the norm for you to act on it. I don't think you want to be the center of gossip in your neighborhood LOL. My friend's wife raised an eyebrow because their new neighbor's wife was 5 years older than him. My gf is 11 years younger than me and according to her we're a "cute couple".
Author Jo_lee Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Thanks all, it is great to hear your opinions on something that is so new to me. I've been using ToyboyWarehouse.com and I'm really starting to realise that there is nothing much unusual about this kind of dating at all. There are sites for everything nowadays! I think in conclusion to my OP, I am pretty normal
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