Intellectual Quotient Versus Emotional Intellegence ...

[Under The Radar]

EQ without a doubt. It may be true that there is correlation one way and not the other. Of three relationships since my divorce, one had both and the other two were intelligent but lacking emotional awareness. One was a card-carrying mensa member and she was so cerebral that I became both bored and annoyed. She knew she had deficits and wanted to become more aware, one of the stated reasons she was interested in me, but it just wasn't in her. She was rigid, judgmental, had an attitude of superiority and lacked empathy. I find that unattractive. I am not even a little bit interested in dating someone like that again–– give me an empathetic, emotionally aware woman and just let the IQ fall wherever. I think IQ is part of the initial attraction, but EQ can take a little time to figure out because it's understood to be a desirable quality, and all too easy for a smart woman to fake for awhile.

 

I think psychopaths are pretty much devoid of empathy, proclivity to care about others, conscience or remorse. Not measurable on the same scale.

 

 

I have to agree with your assessment: Give me an empathetic, emotionally aware woman any day over a rigid, arrogant, and judgmental scholar.

 

However, as bright as you are Sal, I'd have to wager your true standard would be a little higher than "Let the IQ fall wherever"? Like, at least a mediocre level of intellect? I'd be fine with someone of average intelligence.

 

While we're on the subject, let me say, I'm actually glad I'm not much smarter than the average person. As it is, I think the wheels turn enough in my head already .

[Taramere]

I read a book somebody recommended on here a while back. Zero empathy by Borat's cousin Professor Simon Baron-Cohen. He talked about zero positive and zero negative. Zero positive might be somebody with Asperger's, who is highly intelligent but lacking in the empathy that would help them to understand and connect emotionally with others.

 

They may still be kind, principled people - but it would be based on learning/parental lessons about right and wrong rather than the instinctive "I feel others' pain and so I don't want to cause them pain - because when they feel pain, I hurt too" thing that I think is empathy. That feeling is also related to guilt, but I think it's possible for people who are very low in empathy to still feel guilt. To have a sense of right and wrong, and to feel badly when they breach their own ethics.

 

Psychopathy I tend to regard as a lack of conscience. A lack of any sense of responsibility. For the psychopath, when things go wrong the blame always belongs anywhere but at their own feet. I think a psychopath will learn enough about empathy to be quite skilled in fake displays of it in order to manipulate others and get what they want. There's that difficulty in distinguishing between narcissism and psychopath. They're so closely related. A narcissist might genuinely believe he or she is a wonderful, caring person. because that would just fall in with their general belief that they're superior in every way (more caring, more ethical etc) than others.

 

I would be keen to avoid getting entangled with somebody like that, but I wouldn't necessarily see somebody who had a very high IQ and low EQ (low empathy) as being narcissistic or psychopathic. I'm sure prisons are full of low iq narcissists/psychopaths and equally sure that universities have plenty of academic staff who are very good with people as well as having high IQs.

 

I don't know which of the two would be more important to me. Most probably I would prefer somebody who is around the same level in both areas as myself, give or take a bit...which is something you assess mainly by instinct and guesswork as you get to know somebody better.

[Under The Radar]

I read a book somebody recommended on here a while back. Zero empathy by Borat's cousin Professor Simon Baron-Cohen. He talked about zero positive and zero negative. Zero positive might be somebody with Asperger's, who is highly intelligent but lacking in the empathy that would help them to understand and connect emotionally with others.

 

They may still be kind, principled people - but it would be based on learning/parental lessons about right and wrong rather than the instinctive "I feel others' pain and so I don't want to cause them pain - because when they feel pain, I hurt too" thing that I think is empathy. That feeling is also related to guilt, but I think it's possible for people who are very low in empathy to still feel guilt. To have a sense of right and wrong, and to feel badly when they breach their own ethics.

 

Psychopathy I tend to regard as a lack of conscience. A lack of any sense of responsibility. For the psychopath, when things go wrong the blame always belongs anywhere but at their own feet. I think a psychopath will learn enough about empathy to be quite skilled in fake displays of it in order to manipulate others and get what they want. There's that difficulty in distinguishing between narcissism and psychopath. They're so closely related. A narcissist might genuinely believe he or she is a wonderful, caring person. because that would just fall in with their general belief that they're superior in every way (more caring, more ethical etc) than others.

 

I would be keen to avoid getting entangled with somebody like that, but I wouldn't necessarily see somebody who had a very high IQ and low EQ (low empathy) as being narcissistic or psychopathic. I'm sure prisons are full of low iq narcissists/psychopaths and equally sure that universities have plenty of academic staff who are very good with people as well as having high IQs.

 

I don't know which of the two would be more important to me. Most probably I would prefer somebody who is around the same level in both areas as myself, give or take a bit...which is something you assess mainly by instinct and guesswork as you get to know somebody better.

 

 

Wow, great post!

 

In many ways I share your same perspective, but the way you describe it in words is very helpful.

 

This definitely gives me more food for thought ...... thanks for sharing!

[Emilia]

Who's thought process is not clouded, biased, or can't see the forest for the trees when we are trying to self-examine and diagnose?

 

How often can people successfully become self-aware?

You need to imagine a spectrum. If you have very little self-awareness, you are doing badly at understanding your and others behaviour, at the higher end you are doing very well and probably don't get caught out all that much.

[MyEvilTwin]

You need to imagine a spectrum. If you have very little self-awareness, you are doing badly at understanding your and others behaviour, at the higher end you are doing very well and probably don't get caught out all that much.

 

 

 

What is the person who is a deer in headlights when coupled with a person that has them pegged?

[Radu]

Which is more important, both for yourself, and in a significant other? Please explain why ...

For me EQ is more important. I don't think i have a low IQ [certainly not very low], but my EQ was low and i'm still trying to increase it.

 

A high EQ means good self-control. It's a very important quality when you look for a SO.

 

PS: TM, IQ can be increased ... not by much, but it can be increased, there are some exercises.

[Radu]

This is interesting. I wonder how many of those highly intelligent people with a low EQ become aware of that fact. If so, how many care to improve upon it?

 

Temple Grandin comes to mind. Though she displayed an exceptional EQ for animals at a young age, her ability to transfer that to humans was not equal. Through her many trials and tribulations she learned to understand people the way she had innately done with animals. Of course she always had a high IQ.

 

Not highly intelligence person here, but i did have [and probably still have] a low EQ.

 

I was in a depression of around 5yrs who had a complete messed up effect on ... everything.

Any social skills, any self-respect, any self-control i had evaporated after it.

 

3.5yrs ago i had a big shock [my dad died], and in many ways it scared me; it prompted me to finally look at what my life had become.

I knew there was something horribly wrong with me before he went, but i always found some way to avoid it, or to lie to myself that it was not so bad.

 

I started reading a lot on self-improvement, joined some forums, talked to ppl. I started first by trying to figure out WTH happened in my relationships, and that got me to reading a lot of PUA [the forum, God help me i never touched 'The Game'], and related, recommended material.

Mostly it was to figure out how ppl interacted, because i was blind to pretty much 93% of human communication [body language and tonality].

One of the books i found was Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman [no plug, i'm sure there are other great ones too].

 

I read it almost 2yrs ago, and i applied some of it when i went to college 2yrs ago, and then last october when i rejoined the college i abandoned almost 8yrs ago [2 different ones, the one i joined 2yrs ago is easier -law school- then the one i abandoned -engineering-].

 

Boosting your EQ definitely works, but you won't see effects immediately.

At least that wasn't in my case, and that's not my style of doing things anyway.

I read the book, i let it simmer ... and then i started looking at things differently.

After reading it [and learning about EQ], i started identifying the problems i had, and finding solutions for them.

I experimented on simpler stuff [one of which was law school], and then i started going into harder stuff.

 

The thing that makes me most excited right now, is the fact that i have started seeing the processes that take place inside my head, my bull**** rationalizations that work only to hold me back and which are born to serve my laziness, to find excuses not to try something.

[soccerrprp]

Both. In my experience the two often come together. Emotionally Intelligent people tend to be very bright.

 

But the converse of this is not often the case.

[Under The Radar]

Not highly intelligence person here, but i did have [and probably still have] a low EQ.

 

I was in a depression of around 5yrs who had a complete messed up effect on ... everything.

Any social skills, any self-respect, any self-control i had evaporated after it.

 

3.5yrs ago i had a big shock [my dad died], and in many ways it scared me; it prompted me to finally look at what my life had become.

I knew there was something horribly wrong with me before he went, but i always found some way to avoid it, or to lie to myself that it was not so bad.

 

I started reading a lot on self-improvement, joined some forums, talked to ppl. I started first by trying to figure out WTH happened in my relationships, and that got me to reading a lot of PUA [the forum, God help me i never touched 'The Game'], and related, recommended material.

Mostly it was to figure out how ppl interacted, because i was blind to pretty much 93% of human communication [body language and tonality].

One of the books i found was Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman [no plug, i'm sure there are other great ones too].

 

I read it almost 2yrs ago, and i applied some of it when i went to college 2yrs ago, and then last october when i rejoined the college i abandoned almost 8yrs ago [2 different ones, the one i joined 2yrs ago is easier -law school- then the one i abandoned -engineering-].

 

Boosting your EQ definitely works, but you won't see effects immediately.

At least that wasn't in my case, and that's not my style of doing things anyway.

I read the book, i let it simmer ... and then i started looking at things differently.

After reading it [and learning about EQ], i started identifying the problems i had, and finding solutions for them.

I experimented on simpler stuff [one of which was law school], and then i started going into harder stuff.

 

The thing that makes me most excited right now, is the fact that i have started seeing the processes that take place inside my head, my bull**** rationalizations that work only to hold me back and which are born to serve my laziness, to find excuses not to try something.

 

Thanks for sharing such personal information. It's encouraging to hear about your journey to improve emotional intelligence and the steps you have taken to execute success in that area.