Mousie Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Okay so I will try to make this as short as possible haha Basically I'm just looking for an unbiased ear to give me some advice. So I have only ever really dated one guy since the age of 16. We were both each others' first and only real relationship. We even went to the same university for four years after high school,; and it was all lovey-dovey mushy-gooey. After dating for 7ish years things got complicated. We had to spend 4 months apart due to physical distance, it was really hard for both of us. That was about a year ago and after those 4 months we were back living in the same town dating, but things really weren't the same as before. The love soaked, carefree days spent together weren't there, the magic gone. I'm getting flowery but really it was rough I got kind of depressed especially after I found pictures of other girls on his phone. Now I don't think he ever cheated on me but pics of half naked bar skanks is not all the best thing to find on your bf's phone. Anyways, I don't mean to make him look like an awful guy. Honestly, he's the most supporting caring and loving guy you can imagine. He always listens and tell me how much he loves me. He wants to spend all this time together cuddling and hugging and doing whatever I want to do (treating me to dinner and movies and so forth). But through various circumstances we both decided to "take a break for a while". That was about two months ago and we still hang out once a week or so but only as friends, the deal was not to cross that line into bf/gf territory (eg, hugs kisses and everything after that). But lately he has been slowly worming his way out of this agreement with "I love you"s here and an attempted kiss there. Which would be cute if not for the fact that the whole reason that we needed the break still hasn't been resolved, in fact he's trying to shove it under the rug. While this has been going on I also recently(ish) reconnected with an old friend from high school. We weren't super close in high school like best friends but we were part of the same like circle of friends, you know how high school can be lol Anywho, this past summer he moved back home after finishing university and I hadn't really been in contact with him at all through those years but we ended up both getting jobs at the same place and we spent the rest of the year hanging out at work and eventually we became gym buddies too. So we were seeing a lot of each other. But ever since this break with my bf my eyes have opened for sure. It was kind of a slow build but now I have this major crush on him. I haven't said anything because I didn't really know what's what and I didn't want to ruin the friendship. But a couple of days ago I was chatting about this with a mutual friend and she assured me that it was pretty obvious he likes me too. So since it's not a totally baseless crush, I've decided to do something about it! Live life and all that... So here's my dilemma (after that huge long backstory, sorry haha and thank you to those who read all of that). I'm really trying to gather up the courage to ask my friend out and I think I can do it but that would really mean the end of the relationship with my old bf for real. Like, I don't want to get back together with him obviously because the relationship has been slowly dying for the past year and I just can't take playing at being together with him any more and we did agree on this break. But we were together for 7 YEARS. And to think that we really may not be together forever like we planned is just too smurfing sad; he's been my best friend for like a good chunk of my existence. Thus, the eternal question "Am I doing the right thing?" I don't know, life's so hard jeez! Oh, also, I'm thinking of confessing on Valentine's Day. Kind of cheeseball I know. It's not like I'm going to profess my eternal love for him or anything, just tell him I like him and maybe ask him on a date. Too stupid or what? I though it might be kind of cute, I don't know...
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 What you have with your boyfriend is clearly broken, you need to make sure that's over for good and be prepared for it to be final with or without the new guy in your life. I suggest telling him straight that it's over, and instigating No Contact for the foreseeable future. It will be tough after seven years but it's the fastest way to heal, for the both of you. As for the new guy, if you really feel like you're ready to move on, then ask him out. I mean, you're spending tonnes of time together already, right? And have been for a few months? So I'd be less concerned at him being a rebound than if you had just this minute split from your ex and met a guy in the bar. But either way, take it slowly, I wouldn't bother waiting until V-Day, it's a bit cheesy and a bit too much pressure. Personally I'd probably just text something like 'it's been great hanging out with you for the past few months and getting to know one another, do you fancy taking me on a date sometime?' You MUST MUST MUST have ended it with your ex though and gone No Contact or you're setting yourself up for one hot mess.
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 You have already moved on your ex-boyfriend hasn't. You feel guilty and 7 years is a lot of effort to wave goodbye to all at once. You will mourn the loss of what could have been more then anything. All those pictures in your head of building a life and growing old together are gone... And it sucks for both parties no matter how the break up happens. Now, the magic is gone and he knows this too. Hes just hoping you will come back but your never going to. So it sounds like you know what you need to do. Why haven't you done it yet? Bottom line your going to rip this guy's heart out and eat it in front of him. Then your going to "This is SPARTA" kick him down the well of no contact. You need to be okay with that first. You need to know that breaking up completely is the right thing to do. Then and only then will you stick to it. Don't go into this thing with the new guy trying to replace those love soaked days of old. And don't expect him to be your boyfriend of 7 years. I think jumping into a new relationship right after a breakup is a bad idea. Ask the new guy out. Have fun in life. Accept things don't always work out the way we wanted them to. Keep an open mind. And above all remember your looking forward now and not backward. Enjoy the trip!
d0nnivain Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I do agree that its probably time for you to let go of your high school BF. It seems like that relationship has run it's course. However, immediately taking up with a new guy from high school is not all that wise. You will not have healed from the break up of your 1st relationship. Since this "new" guy is from high school too, it's not all that new & it screams rebound. Do what you feel is best. He probably won't notice / care that it's Valentine's Day when you talk to him so don't worry so much about that.
soccerrprp Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) I agree with acrosstheuniverse. It doesn't matter how long you were together with your ex. You owe it to yourself (and him) to let him go completely if you are not happy or if the feelings have faded. Don't feel obligated in any way to wait or hold off on your own life. It won't be easy, but if you want to give this new guy and YOU a chance for something better, you should stop feeling guilty about breaking it off with your ex. Your ex is the only guy you know, good friend and it will seem a little weird w/o him, but he is not your life, he does not define it and he does not control it. He is and was never the ONE. Demystify that relationship in every way and move on. In your case, it seems that there is not "bad guy" here. So, perhaps you can still be friends with your ex, but in the meantime, you need to let your ex know that you're moving on and go NC for a while, if necessary and if you feel that seeing him or being in contact with him will distract you. Any case, clean and clear break needs to happen. Edited February 13, 2014 by soccerrprp
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