mugirl213 Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 OK, so many of you know my situation with my bf. I'm really at a loss today and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm at a brick wall and I don't know how to proceed. With the job...we eventually talked on Friday night and things went pretty well. I told him I loved him, that I saw a future with him, kids, etc. and that I'd move with him...but only if he wanted me to. Well we talked about it for a while and of course nothing is definite yet. He said he felt the same way about me and that he saw a future for us as well and that he was prepared to make the commitment necessary for an LDR. He also said that he wouldn't have asked me to move b/c he would have felt bad AND because he would feel awful if things between us didn't work out. So Friday night ended with that...we cuddled, etc. Saturday he had plans for the day with friends, which I didn't realize were plans for the night as well. He called me a few times, I told him my concerns...said I was still worried. I said, are you sure that you see a future with me? He said yes...and also that the convo wasn't over yet, but he didn't want to beat a dead horse over something that wasn't definite yet. So Saturday passed and late that night he called me from his friend's house and was just telling me he missed me and etc. (he was a little tipsy lol) and then came home Sunday...which was our one year anniversary. Now we'd already agreed that our New Years would serve as our anniversary celebration since it was so costly, so that was all fine and well. I just wanted to spend time with him since we hadn't really seen each other all week. So he made me go get some lunch withhim...I hadn't eaten much all weekend b/c I don't eat when I get upset. We had some lunch and were going to go see a movie but they started at off times. So we went home, took a nap and had some soup for dinner while we sat by the fireplace and watched TV. Then I gave him a massage (because he was sore from skiing with his friends) with the heart warming thingy...and we went to sleep. I'm feeling TERRIBLY insecure...and this morning I was thinking about how I had to go back to work today (I had off on Friday) and how everyone had seen me crying at work. Ugh. I got upset and he came over to comfort me this morning. I said to him...do you really see a future with me? He said yes! I said, would I be someone you'd want to marry? He said yes, i wouldn't waste my time with someone I didn't see marriage potential with. So I said, why wouldn't you want me to move with you? You wanted Amy (his ex he was with for 2 1/2 years when it came time to move) to move with you. He said, I wouldn't have expected you to. That's alot for you to give up. All your family and friends are here and the word "love" hasn't come up yet on my part. And I said, so love for you is the glue that holds a relationship together? He said...well sure, partly I guess. I said...and without it a relationshhip means nothing? To which he said..why must you always belittle everthing? Why do you make it sound like this past year has meant nothing?To which I said, I don't know I just feel that way. I said, how do you feel about me? He said...I like you a lot. I said, after a year, this is all you can say to me? He said, you knew how I felt about love before we started dating... ***Interim story on that**** When we first started dating, he told me straight up that it takes him a long time to feel that he's "in love." It took him two years to say to his ex...and it's something he takes very seriously. Well...with LYC, I got a lot of good advice about waiting for him...it being worth it, etc. And I was fine about it, until now. Now I'm worried. I've told him I loved him. He knows. He's told me that I'm his soul mate, that he sees us growing old together...etc. Well a few weeks back, he was on the phone with me and he said, "OK, love you, bye." And I hadn't said anything. **** end interim**** So this morning I said...if you don't love me, why did you say that to me? He said, when did I do that? I said...a few weeks back...on the phone. He said oh...I didn't think you'd heard that, or that you'd hung up by the time I said that. It's how I usually end my phone convos with my parents and I just wasn't thinking and it came out. So I said...so it wasn't true? He said...no. I'm msorry. I said, I feel so stupid. To which he said...why do you feel stupid? It doesn't mean I don't care for you. I said, do you feel more for me than you did a year ago? Do you think that you could love me? And he said...yes! of course I wouldn't be with you otherwise. And I do feel more for you than a year ago...of course. I do like you very much, you're the kindest person I've ever been with, you make me feel so comfortable and that when there's silence between us, it's ok, and not awkward. And my friends and family really like you...which is also important to me. And I said, what about the card you gave me? (for our 6 month anniv. it said "I can't imagine loving anyone but you") and he said...let me see...Oh yes, I meant that...there's no one else that I could imagine loving...when the times comes that I DO love you. To which I of course cried my eyes out. I said, I feel so stupid...why did I think you loved me. He said, I'm sorry, please don't feel stupid, it's not liek that...it's not that our relationship is worthless just b/c of that. i don't like that you say that. I wish you would have said something about that sooner. I said...why so I could be humiliated sooner? Basically it comes down to the fact that he didn't ask me to move b/c he doesn't love me. Not saying he won't ever, but at this point, he does not. And if I moved, it would be all my choosing...not his. Basically so he doesn't have to accept responsiblity if we fail (my words not his...his were more like...IF we don't work out...and tha'ts a big IF...b/c it's the last thing I anticipate)....and that he's sure we can make it thru an LDR. How can I go after someone like that? Answer...I can't. I'm not so foolish that I'd chase a man where he doesn't want to be chased. I don't know what to do...I have understood his issues with the word love...for him to take 2 years o say to his ex...and to have her burn him the way she did...I understand his hesitancy. I don't understand how you can call someone your soul mate...tell them you want to grow old with them...etc. I feel so foolish...why do I stay with a man who doesn't love me? Just venting.
very-confused-girl Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 I am so sorry for you. You sound to me like me cos you seem to be analyzing things too much. For a woman it might be problem if a man does not love her. But you have to understand that people are different and for someone it takes a long time to fall in love. He doesnt seem to want to hurt you, he is not malicious. He does not have pleasure from seeing you crying because of lack of his expression of his emotions for you. I would suggest one thing - dont rush the line, dont push to say something. This is really up to him to say it. If you feel like you cant deal with it than find yourself somebody else. But seriously - does this word "love" means to you really so much? In my view he acts like he loves you, probably he even loves you but does not no about it yet . Maybe he is just hesitant to say it. Do you know that statement - "you realize how you love somebody once you are loosing them" or something like that. I have to say its truth. Maybe just keep a bit of distance for a while and you see whether it is going to be like a magnet for him.
Author mugirl213 Posted January 18, 2005 Author Posted January 18, 2005 So I'm not wasting my time by being with someone who isn't there after a year?
HokeyReligions Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 You can't brow-beat someone into loving you. If you continue to pound him on this issue you may drive him away. Seldom do two people fall in love at exactly the same time. And stop chasing, let love develop.
very-confused-girl Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 but he is here. He is here for you. He just has different level of feelings. There are people who are getting married after 2 weeks of knowing each other. Would this be trustworthy to you? If a guy was telling you that he loves you after 1 week of being with you, wouldnt you think that he just wants to get into your pants??? One year still is very early stage of a relationship. Definitely for serious type of people. Obviously he is not suffering from lack of feelings if he was capable to love his ex-gf, but your time is gonna come. Dont worry. Tell me one thing - do you know anything of his family background? I had a boyfriend and he was very emotionally cold because his parents were not cuddling him when he was a baby. Is you boyfriend cold to you? Does he refuse holding hands, cuddling etc? If not, you dont have to worry, because it is really just about this "word". If he is colder even in other ways, than you cant change him but I can imagine that for a sensitive girl like you would be hard to be with someone like that. Hopefully your boyfriend is not like that. Especially if he was hurt in his last relationship, he is careful now. He does not want to give away too much of himself still because he is afraid of being hurt. He must see that you are loving and caring in the first place and this will encourage his love for you to grow.
Author mugirl213 Posted January 18, 2005 Author Posted January 18, 2005 Hokey - Definitely not chasing him or berating him into loving me...I just am trying to decide if him telling me he cares about met, etc. is just a line. I want to be sure that he COULD love me one day. very-confused - You make some good points. I definitely would not trust someone who said it TOO early. Like I said to hokey...just wanna make sure that it is possible and that I'm "loveable" to him. Ya know? I'm really scared of being hurt...and being made a fool of...so I question EVERY step of the way. I feel really confused.
very-confused-girl Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 please dont question things. Go with the flow. The only time you can enjoy your relationship is if you are NOT afraid of being hurt of left. I know its easier said than done but try it, please. One other side of it is that if he might start to feel uncomfortable with you feeling uncomfortable if you know what I mean. Be nice to him, be there for him when he needs you, but be strong and confident in the same time. Be sexy, sometimes when you see him make yourself beautiful for him that he would stop breathing, use some trick in bed to make him very much into you. But dont be overparanoid and dont take it to the other extreme either
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