Chico333 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 How is it that guys have an easier time dating a girl (and genuinely having feelings for her) without getting needy and wanting a "relationship." On Friday I'm going to dinner with this guy I've been dating for V-day. He invited ME, yet I'm pretty sure he doesn't want the GF/BF thing to be a factor still. We've made it clear that we aren't sleeping with anyone else and only dating each other though. We don't talk on the phone, hang out twice a week average, text maybe once on days we don't see each other, he goes out with friends and what not without inviting me and later tells me about it so obviously he doesn't think that's a big deal because once again, we are not bf/gf. But yet he has gone out of his way to cook me dinner, does very considerate things for me when we are together, has paid and taken me out to a couple nice dinners, invited me out for V-day, etc. I won't push it... we have been dating for a couple months and get along really well. We enjoy each others company and it's clear we have feelings for each other but have been keeping things cool. I guess I'll give it a little longer and if it gets to the point that I'm freaking out about it too much, I'll just back off and move on...
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Sounds like you barely interact when you're not together. Are you having sex? Is it possible that he just enjoys spending time with you but isn't up for anything more committed? Some may disagree but two months is long enough to know whether you want to be with someone or not if there are no kids involved. If he really liked you he'd probably have asked you out by now to make sure some other dude didn't snap you up first. Then again you've agreed exclusivity right? So there's no benefit in progressing things further. I will never agree to be exclusive to somebody I'm not in a relationship with. It's a bizarre middle ground. Either we are bf/gf in which case I'm faithful, or I'm single and free to do as I please. OP why not just ask him outright where he sees you going? 1
D-Lish Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 OP why not just ask him outright where he sees you going? Because that's the kiss of death? lol. 3
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Because that's the kiss of death? lol. If that kills it after two months surely it's better to find out now rather than waste any more time? 2
Author Chico333 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Because that's the kiss of death? lol. Pretty much. It makes sense not to be exclusive unless a real relationship is discussed. I agreed because at the time I was not sure I wanted a relationship but enjoyed what we had going on while knowing that he hopefully wasn't seeing anyone else. and yes acrosstheuniverse you are right, we barely communicate when we are not with each other (we live 40 min. away from one another too) I've made it pretty clear that I want to communicate more when we are not together but he has not reciprocated it. I guess that should answer my question? But then why go through all the trouble to do all the things I had stated above? (dinners, genuine gestures, V-day date, etc)
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Pretty much. It makes sense not to be exclusive unless a real relationship is discussed. I agreed because at the time I was not sure I wanted a relationship but enjoyed what we had going on while knowing that he hopefully wasn't seeing anyone else. and yes acrosstheuniverse you are right, we barely communicate when we are not with each other (we live 40 min. away from one another too) I've made it pretty clear that I want to communicate more when we are not together but he has not reciprocated it. I guess that should answer my question? But then why go through all the trouble to do all the things I had stated above? (dinners, genuine gestures, V-day date, etc) I have set up the exclusive but no commitment thing many times. Its always been because I enjoy sex with her and enjoy her company. But I know a serious relationship is not going to happen. You are right now a dependable booty call. He goes through the trouble because he does genuinely like you. But for some reason doesn't see it going past that. It could be that 40 miles and nothing to do with you. 2
Emilia Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 How is it that guys have an easier time dating a girl (and genuinely having feelings for her) without getting needy and wanting a "relationship." On Friday I'm going to dinner with this guy I've been dating for V-day. He invited ME, yet I'm pretty sure he doesn't want the GF/BF thing to be a factor still. We've made it clear that we aren't sleeping with anyone else and only dating each other though. We don't talk on the phone, hang out twice a week average, text maybe once on days we don't see each other, he goes out with friends and what not without inviting me and later tells me about it so obviously he doesn't think that's a big deal because once again, we are not bf/gf. But yet he has gone out of his way to cook me dinner, does very considerate things for me when we are together, has paid and taken me out to a couple nice dinners, invited me out for V-day, etc. I won't push it... we have been dating for a couple months and get along really well. We enjoy each others company and it's clear we have feelings for each other but have been keeping things cool. I guess I'll give it a little longer and if it gets to the point that I'm freaking out about it too much, I'll just back off and move on... He just sounds independent. Have a chat with him and ask him, be prepared to move on if he doesn't say you want to hear. Asking is better than just backing off.
Iguanna Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 How is it that guys have an easier time dating a girl (and genuinely having feelings for her) without getting needy and wanting a "relationship." On Friday I'm going to dinner with this guy I've been dating for V-day. He invited ME, yet I'm pretty sure he doesn't want the GF/BF thing to be a factor still. We've made it clear that we aren't sleeping with anyone else and only dating each other though. We don't talk on the phone, hang out twice a week average, text maybe once on days we don't see each other, he goes out with friends and what not without inviting me and later tells me about it so obviously he doesn't think that's a big deal because once again, we are not bf/gf. But yet he has gone out of his way to cook me dinner, does very considerate things for me when we are together, has paid and taken me out to a couple nice dinners, invited me out for V-day, etc. I won't push it... we have been dating for a couple months and get along really well. We enjoy each others company and it's clear we have feelings for each other but have been keeping things cool. I guess I'll give it a little longer and if it gets to the point that I'm freaking out about it too much, I'll just back off and move on... That's typical behavior of guys who like to have a gf but are scared of the too serious stuff. Here comes the woman's will though to take things in her own hands. If you keep offering the "not too serious relationship" thing, he will be satisfied with it, he will think you are satisfied with it as well and he won't try to change it. What you should do? Ask for something else. Tell him that you have enjoyed this time trying to know each other etc, but now you want some more commitment so you are happy. Is he on board with that? If he really wants to keep you, he will agree with this. If he doesn't, well, the sooner you get rid of him the better. Don't wait too much longer to do that, cause you may be attached with him and maybe you won't have the strength to risk to lose him later.
Author Chico333 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Yeah.. he's very independent. I am definitely scared of getting rejected if I bring it up... I had brought up the exclusivity factor and he responded very positive saying that he was not having any relations or intending on have any with anyone else. At first I thought that would make me feel better knowing that...and I honestly didn't even expect him to bring up a V-day date and I was not even planning on bringing anything up about V-day. So when he did, it made me think that maybe he is getting a litte more serious about it, but I don't know... 1
HappyLove Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I'm willing to bet $1.00 that you are sleeping with him and he's just in it for the sex. He doesn't even care about Vday but knows you do so it should be an easy night to get.....wait for it....SEX. Who cares what he wants, what do YOU want? If you're looking for more and settling for less you are only hurting yourself. 3
Iguanna Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I am definitely scared of getting rejected if I bring it up... So will you settle for less in order not to get rejected? Aren't you already getting rejected every day asking for one thing and receiving another? 1
Author Chico333 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 I'm willing to bet $1.00 that you are sleeping with him and he's just in it for the sex. He doesn't even care about Vday but knows you do so it should be an easy night to get.....wait for it....SEX. Who cares what he wants, what do YOU want? If you're looking for more and settling for less you are only hurting yourself. I told him I thought V-day was a pretty dumb and pointless holiday the day before he asked me on the date. And yeah I'm sleeping with him. Up to this point we sleep together regularly after we get together. Sooooo... there's your answer in that aspect.
Author Chico333 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 So will you settle for less in order not to get rejected? Aren't you already getting rejected every day asking for one thing and receiving another? You are definitely right about that.... I am receiving opposite of what I have asked when it comes to communication. I don't want to sound like a drama queen over texting though... not that I would text to him I just mean about the texting issue, because I don't necessarily like talking on the phone. And not like we need to constantly be in contact, it just is annoying.
Iguanna Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 You are definitely right about that.... I am receiving opposite of what I have asked when it comes to communication. I don't want to sound like a drama queen over texting though... not that I would text to him I just mean about the texting issue, because I don't necessarily like talking on the phone. And not like we need to constantly be in contact, it just is annoying. Not asking (and demanding) what you want is the main reason find themselves in situations that make them unhappy. Remember this. It doesn't matter if what you want makes you [add an adjective here], if it is what you want (and you don't hurt others by it), then you have the right to demand it. If you don't work on asking what you want for yourself, how do you expect others to work on satisfying you?
HappyLove Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I told him I thought V-day was a pretty dumb and pointless holiday the day before he asked me on the date. And yeah I'm sleeping with him. Up to this point we sleep together regularly after we get together. Sooooo... there's your answer in that aspect. Well, if you stop giving sex I'm betting he'll run for the hills. That may help you get the answer. But right now you're settling.
RedRobin Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I have a question... what does 'serious' look like? If he's not already communicating with you more and going out of his way to make you feel special... even when you have told him those things that would make you feel that way... Then he can say whatever he wants. He still won't be following through on his actions. I guess what I'm saying, is that it seems like you two seem to have a mismatch on expectations, communication, etc. If he's not introducing you to others in his social circle by this time, then you are basically a glorified FWB. As another poster said, a reliable booty call that he puts the bare minimum into in order to keep the sex tap flowing. Here's another question. Do you invite him around your friends? What are you doing to indicate you are more serious about him too? I'm not a big fan of the wait and see approach.... and having to more or less drag commitment out of a guy. If his behavior doesn't indicate a steady progression of increasing intimacy that YOU are happy with, and you've communicated those things you feel are important to making you feel closer to him (have you??) then cut him loose.... Nothing more unattractive than begging or settling. 3
Phantom888 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) You are wasting your time with this guy. You are doing BF/GF things, yet he doesn't want the label because he feels he can dump you at any time without consequences. He is still looking elsewhere, and feels justified in receiving all the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibilities. Selfish, cowardly and toxic. Not all men are like this....only the crappy ones. When you find a good man who appreciates you and loves you, he would be really attached to you. The mind game crap is purely played by guys who are NOT real men. Edited February 13, 2014 by Phantom888
Author Chico333 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 I have a question... what does 'serious' look like? If he's not already communicating with you more and going out of his way to make you feel special... even when you have told him those things that would make you feel that way... Then he can say whatever he wants. He still won't be following through on his actions. I guess what I'm saying, is that it seems like you two seem to have a mismatch on expectations, communication, etc. If he's not introducing you to others in his social circle by this time, then you are basically a glorified FWB. As another poster said, a reliable booty call that he puts the bare minimum into in order to keep the sex tap flowing. Here's another question. Do you invite him around your friends? What are you doing to indicate you are more serious about him too? I'm not a big fan of the wait and see approach.... and having to more or less drag commitment out of a guy. If his behavior doesn't indicate a steady progression of increasing intimacy that YOU are happy with, and you've communicated those things you feel are important to making you feel closer to him (have you??) then cut him loose.... Nothing more unattractive than begging or settling. Yes I have invited him around my friends plenty of times. He did invite me to spend a weekend with him and his friends for an event out of town, but since then he has not invited me out with his friends... which I have also thought about. I actually invited him to go as my date to a wedding and he will be out of town so can't go. I figured that seemed I was a little more serious by inviting him. "If his behavior doesn't indicate a steady progression of increasing intimacy that YOU are happy with, and you've communicated those things you feel are important to making you feel closer to him (have you??) then cut him loose..." I agree with what's stated above. Having these feelings has clouded my thoughts a bit on what I deserve in terms of respect. I communicated that I want more communication in between dates which he has not done and yesturday was the second time I told him. Tomorrow we have a date set, so if over the weekend nothing progresses I'm going to take this advice and cut it off. I just need to remind myself that there are plenty of other guys that would love to be with me and make me happy...
Author Chico333 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 I am seriously annoyed at this situation. ALL of his actions EXCEPT for the communication issue show that he cares a pretty fair amount, is respectful and genuine. Compliments me, I catch him staring at me all the time, sets up dates every week, etc. etc. Another thing that I found strange, as stupid as it sounds is that I friend requested him on facebook and he still has not accepted it and the day I sent it I told him and he responded a little awkwardly about it and I asked him "What? is it a bad thing I asked you to friend me?" and he jokingly said he didn't want me to see all his baggage. UMMM ok... do you have another girl on the side or what is going on? What is the big deal of befriending me on facebook?
lamaga Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Pretty much. It makes sense not to be exclusive unless a real relationship is discussed. I agreed because at the time I was not sure I wanted a relationship but enjoyed what we had going on while knowing that he hopefully wasn't seeing anyone else. and yes acrosstheuniverse you are right, we barely communicate when we are not with each other (we live 40 min. away from one another too) I've made it pretty clear that I want to communicate more when we are not together but he has not reciprocated it. I guess that should answer my question? But then why go through all the trouble to do all the things I had stated above? (dinners, genuine gestures, V-day date, etc) I have similar issues with my boyfriend. We've been going out for 2,5 months now and have been a couple for only like 2 weeks (I'd say, that's what it seems like, there was never THE TALK, just one day he seemed to not mind that people called him my boyfriend). Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to do something romantic on Valentinesday and I agreed to it. That was sweet. But he is also bad at communicating when we are not together. Then again, we see each other almost every day or every second day - he only lives a street apart. When I asked him why he doesn't write me more often (whatsapp), he said that we see each other every day anyway. Guys are more pragmatic when it comes to this stuff, I guess. He doesn't seem to feel the need to tell me what he ate that day or how long he was at the gym or how many hours he played Call of Duty. He can tell me all of that stuff when he sees me 24 hours later. I think it's fine this way, you need to give each other space as well to enjoy the time you actually are together. I was bothered by it in the beginning but enjoy things the way they are now, because I realise it is healthy and he is doing everything else right, and I am worrying too much! If I were you, I would just ask him straight away "Do yo want to be my boyfriend?" The answer can be yes or no, but either way, it is better to be safe than sorry.
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