Rejected too many times, relegated to being content being single

[Teknoe]

So, the last handful of girls I've expressed an interest in since 2009 have all rejected me. Like, I didn't even go on dates... it was either "I like you" or "Can I take you out sometime?" and everytime got the bro/friend speech.

 

My ego has been somewhat damaged, for sure, and now I am honestly a little fed up and genuinely happy being single. It's just easier, more peaceful and I like my privacy/freedom.

 

But I don't know if this is a good thing or not. Part of me feels I'll be fine in time and will eventually meet someone who will like me as much as I like her. The other half of me fears if I continue being so indifferent toward finding a GF that I could end up being that bachelor for life that I know a few guys who are in their 40s and never had a wife or family. it kind of scares me and yet at the same time doesn't. It's weird. I could see myself living out my 30s and 40s single and being OK. I know it wouldn't be the end of the world.

 

On the other hand, it would be nice to have a person care and love me, have a family and all that. But as time goes on, and the rejections pile on, I start to wonder if maybe, just maybe, I'm called to walk a different kind of life than the ones most of my friends are (i.e. marriage, having a family etc.)

 

Meanwhile, I'm pretty content being on my own, watching my movies and sports, playing my games, etc. with no one to answer to or spend time with.

 

I'm sure I'm not alone in this regard.

 

*shrug* it is what it is, right? Just rambling here... not sure how much of this is actually coherent or anything. LOL

[Dogberry]

Heres a tip i learned before it was too late, nice guys dont get the girls.

 

Learn to act a bit more dangerous

[Jethro]

I suggest giving up! You know why? Because that is pretty much what I did, and then wouldn't you know it, this fantastic, amazing woman just appeared into my life! I am convinced the absolute worst thing for finding a relationship is stressing about finding someone. Once I pretty much gave up, I think I became happier in my own skin which made me so much more attractive to someone. Just my experience.

[Teknoe]

I suggest giving up! You know why? Because that is pretty much what I did, and then wouldn't you know it, this fantastic, amazing woman just appeared into my life! I am convinced the absolute worst thing for finding a relationship is stressing about finding someone. Once I pretty much gave up, I think I became happier in my own skin which made me so much more attractive to someone. Just my experience.

 

 

That's my feeling too... expect good things to come, but don't over expect, so there's less pressure on you and you won't set yourself up for a big disappointment. After all they keep saying love finds you when you least expect it. Kinda the philosophy I carry these days.

[KathyM]

I think you need to make the effort to find someone. Doing nothing and waiting for someone to come to you is not a good recipe for finding a relationship. All of the people I know who are in a relationship got their relationship because they put themselves out there, either joined an online dating site, or approached a woman and took a chance, or went out specifically to meet women, or joined an interest group and asked a woman out from there. It's not likely to happen if you wait for it to happen. You have to be proactive and put yourself out there and approach. It's a numbers game. The more people you approach, the more likely you will be to find someone interested in dating you. Of the people I know who stopped trying, they remained single for several years because they didn't put themselves out there and pursue a relationship. A handful of attempts in five years' time is not enough effort. As I mentioned to you before, consider consulting a dating coach to work on whatever things might be holding you back, and then put yourself out there and pursue. No one is going to come knocking on your door looking for a relationship. You have to take an active role in pursuing, and not by friendzoning yourself first.

[clia]

So, the last handful of girls I've expressed an interest in since 2009 have all rejected me. Like, I didn't even go on dates... it was either "I like you" or "Can I take you out sometime?" and everytime got the bro/friend speech.

 

My ego has been somewhat damaged, for sure, and now I am honestly a little fed up and genuinely happy being single. It's just easier, more peaceful and I like my privacy/freedom.

 

But I don't know if this is a good thing or not. Part of me feels I'll be fine in time and will eventually meet someone who will like me as much as I like her. The other half of me fears if I continue being so indifferent toward finding a GF that I could end up being that bachelor for life that I know a few guys who are in their 40s and never had a wife or family. it kind of scares me and yet at the same time doesn't. It's weird. I could see myself living out my 30s and 40s single and being OK. I know it wouldn't be the end of the world.

 

On the other hand, it would be nice to have a person care and love me, have a family and all that. But as time goes on, and the rejections pile on, I start to wonder if maybe, just maybe, I'm called to walk a different kind of life than the ones most of my friends are (i.e. marriage, having a family etc.)

 

Meanwhile, I'm pretty content being on my own, watching my movies and sports, playing my games, etc. with no one to answer to or spend time with.

 

I'm sure I'm not alone in this regard.

 

*shrug* it is what it is, right? Just rambling here... not sure how much of this is actually coherent or anything. LOL

 

I think you need to approach dating differently. If I recall, with the last couple of girls you had essentially friendzoned yourself by talking to them as friends for months (if not longer) before you finally built up the courage to ask them out. One of the girls was your coworker, which should be a no-no anyway. Try actually dating -- you know, where you don't know much about a girl and you ask her out on a date to find out more. It may go nowhere; it may go somewhere. But if she agrees to go on a date with you, at least you know you aren't in the friendzone. You can meet girls through OLD, Meetup, or maybe join some other outdoorsy or social type clubs in your area.

[Teknoe]

I think you need to approach dating differently. If I recall, with the last couple of girls you had essentially friendzoned yourself by talking to them as friends for months (if not longer) before you finally built up the courage to ask them out. One of the girls was your coworker, which should be a no-no anyway. Try actually dating -- you know, where you don't know much about a girl and you ask her out on a date to find out more. It may go nowhere; it may go somewhere. But if she agrees to go on a date with you, at least you know you aren't in the friendzone. You can meet girls through OLD, Meetup, or maybe join some other outdoorsy or social type clubs in your area.

 

That's true huh. I have done the friend thing with the last 6 girls I confessed to or asked out in the past 5 years. 2 of whom I never asked out or confessed but liked and friend zoned myself (I didn't ask out only because they got into relationships before I could)

 

So it's always been the friend approach. With my last one, at least instead of confessing I asked her out, and yes even though it was after knowing her for 6 months, it wasn't like we were close friends (we talked at work and but not really off work).

 

I'm making small progress.

 

Now, I gotta go to the ask them out while we're strangers stage.

[ponchsox]

You don't have to actively pursue someone to find a woman. God can bring someone in your life when you least expect it.

[InnocentMan]

You don't have to actively pursue someone to find a woman. God can bring someone in your life when you least expect it.

 

God has enough on his plate with all the wars/famine etc to sort out. I doubt he has the time to fix the OP's love life.

[GravityMan]

While I wouldn't call it "giving up" (definitely don't do that...the worst thing you can do is sit on the sidelines), Jethro has a point. Put simply, stop trying and thinking so hard. Initiative on your part is necessary (otherwise the other person may get mixed signals), but don't force matters. It takes two to tango. Human interpersonal interaction tends to have this organic "push pull" dynamic; messing with that can make people have uncertain or uncomfortable feelings about you.

 

Put yourself out there, be assertive...BUT, don't go anywhere or do anything with the explicit objective of "finding" a relationship or a girlfriend or wife. Live your normal life while making yourself visible. Relationships are not goals and shouldn't be treated nor approached as such. Instead, just have a positive attitude, get out there, get active and social, talk to anyone that seems interesting while respecting boundaries. "Anyone" meaning women (attractive or not), men, the elderly, you name it. You will occasionally meet someone that you click well enough with such that you and the other person wants to naturally take things a bit further, be it a date or just friendship. If it's a date...that might just eventually turn into something more special. If it doesn't, that's fine too. I suggest getting out of the "success/failure" mindset. Just because some woman rejects you doesn't necessarily mean that you failed or that she has issues with you. Maybe she was fine with you the way you are...there was just no chemistry, no spark.

 

Talking to people also has a networking benefit, especially if you're likable. People who like you often want to introduce you to their friends...their social circle. Someone else in that circle may know others outside the circle; including single and available women. Most single people with good heads on their shoulders do not "advertise" their single status.

 

More than 95% of men and women manage to date, and most of them eventually find someone they get into a relationship with. It's not meant to be hard or require complex analysis or effort. There's no need to treat this like a full-time job. For some people, it just takes more time.