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On-again/Off-again relationships - what's the deal????

alphamale

By alphamale
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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
Posted

Has anyone ever been in an on-again/off-again (OAOA) relationship over a long time period, say at least 2+ years?

 

I have been in one for the last 3.5 yrs and right now we are off. The chemistry is there, the attraction, the fun in being together but we cannot see each other for more than 2 or 3 months at a time. Then we have a fight or misunderstanding and then a breakup where we just stop calling each other and go and do our own thing for 2 months or so with total NC. Then one of us call the other and we hook up for another cycle. It is not one sided or anything, sometimes she breaks up with me and sometimes I break up with her.

 

We both cannot stay away from each other for extended periods and cannot be together for extended periods. What's the deal?

 

If you have had a relationship like this what did you think was going on and what was your motivation or reasoning for being in a relationship like that? Here are more specific questions I have:

 

- what were circumstances of your OAOA relationship?

- how long did your OAOA last before totally petering out?

- why did you keep going back?

- did it keep you from finding someone better?

- did the same issues keep coming up that made you break up?

- was there a fear of commitment from both sides?

- did you like the excitement of the OAOA and not knowing what was around the corner?

savethedrama4allama

savethedrama4allama

Posted
Posted

I am not in the situation myself, but since no one has replied yet...

 

I know a couple that have a relationship pattern like yours. In my opinion, they seem to be addicted to the excitement. They're a drama king and a drama queen. Its always so dramatic when they break up. THen NC is dramatic, as they ignore each other's advances. Then when they get back together, it is "wonderful", "blissful", "the best sex ever." The girl has moved in and out of the guys house about three times now. She was all set to move across the country and called it off so they could get back together. I think they're just bored.

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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
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Posted
Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama

I think they're just bored.

 

Hmmm...interesting take, i guess this is part of it.

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by alphamale

1. - what were circumstances of your OAOA relationship?

2. - how long did your OAOA last before totally petering out?

3. - why did you keep going back?

4. - did it keep you from finding someone better?

5. - did the same issues keep coming up that made you break up?

6. - was there a fear of commitment from both sides?

7. - did you like the excitement of the OAOA and not knowing what was around the corner?

 

1. We met when we were kids: he was 10, I was 11. We dated on and off from the time we consumated as teens right on up until our mid twenties.

2. It lasted right on up (as an on/off thing) until I got pregnant/married at 26. Then not long after he met and married a woman. We are both happily married now, with kids - the whole nine yards. The merry go round finally stopped and we both jumped off.

3. Because we knew each other deeply, and more completely than anyone else knew us. We were comfortable with each other as friends, and as lovers. The sex was good, but mainly we just knew each other so well - being back with him was like 'being home' for a visit - sometimes extended visits, but never back for good.

4. No, eventually we both found people who were much better for us than we were for each other.

5. Yes. We were great as friends and lovers, but lacked what the other needed to sustain a fully committed romantic relationship. We just sucked as a full time couple. Plain and simple.

6. Yes and no. Generally when one of us was ready to commit, the other wasn't. We never got it right - thankfully for both of us.

7. Yes, and no. It depended on where I was in the 'ready to commit' phase. If I was ready to commit and he wasn't - then I hated the uncertainty. If I was in the 'not ready to commit' phase, then I thrived on it.

 

Don't get me wrong. I still care for the guy. We've met each other's spouses and kids, but we are also well aware that some doors should stay shut, so we keep our distance.

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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
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Posted
Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Don't get me wrong. I still care for the guy. We've met each other's spouses and kids, but we are also well aware that some doors should stay shut, so we keep our distance.

 

Thank you LUCREZIABORGIA for the response, I also see many of these in my relationship. So let me ask a question.

 

You both now keep your distance from each other. Is this cause if you got too close that the relationship could start over again and go into the same pattern. Like, you both know the fire and chemistry is still there just waiting for a spark but it would be detrimental for both of you to hook back up.

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

Posted
Posted

Nah, the fire died a while ago for us both. We let the door shut because trying to revisit something between us would be like walking into your house after your parents die. Its still the same house, but whatever made it a home is long gone. All thats left after all that fire is memories. Good memories, but just memories nonetheless. Bittersweet.

Naive Established Member

Naive

Posted
Posted

I really do not know why people would be in these relationships!!!! I myself have been in two relationships like this and even though I cared for the person we would not be together for a long time and then all of a sudden we were :rolleyes:

 

I think these "relationships" are plain STUPID!!!!!

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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
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Posted
Originally posted by naive_2001

I think these "relationships" are plain STUPID!!!!!

 

Well you know NAIVE2001, they are stupid. But one does get the best of both worlds, to be with someone and to be single and free both at the same time.

 

I love it actually, I hate the loss of privacy and independence that goes with being in a long-term commited relationship.

Naive Established Member

Naive

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by alphamale

 

 

Well you know NAIVE2001, they are stupid. But one does get the best of both worlds, to be with someone and to be single and free both at the same time.

 

I love it actually, I hate the loss of privacy and independence that goes with being in a long-term commited relationship.

 

Please darling call me Naive :p

 

What you posted is true but the thing about it is that even if you are deeply in love with this person in some level it will never work out.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
Has anyone ever been in an on-again/off-again (OAOA) relationship over a long time period, say at least 2+ years?

 

I have been in one for the last 3.5 yrs and right now we are off. The chemistry is there, the attraction, the fun in being together but we cannot see each other for more than 2 or 3 months at a time. Then we have a fight or misunderstanding and then a breakup where we just stop calling each other and go and do our own thing for 2 months or so with total NC. Then one of us call the other and we hook up for another cycle. It is not one sided or anything, sometimes she breaks up with me and sometimes I break up with her.

 

We both cannot stay away from each other for extended periods and cannot be together for extended periods. What's the deal?

 

If you have had a relationship like this what did you think was going on and what was your motivation or reasoning for being in a relationship like that? Here are more specific questions I have:

 

- what were circumstances of your OAOA relationship?

- how long did your OAOA last before totally petering out?

- why did you keep going back?

- did it keep you from finding someone better?

- did the same issues keep coming up that made you break up?

- was there a fear of commitment from both sides?

- did you like the excitement of the OAOA and not knowing what was around the corner?

 

I have been where you are Alpha.

 

Here's my view being female...(Obviously! ;) )....

 

It went on for about 4 years. We started off as just friends...But I was involved with someone else, not serious but I was 'dating' someone. There was a HUGE attraction and we both knew it. My bf broke up with me (not cuz of that attaction, I never told anybody about that, but for our own issues in the relationship) anyways, it wasn't long after that he made the moves on me, I resisted, the whole we are just friends blahblah don't wanna ruin the friendship kinda deal...Well, that lasted less than a week. Next thing ya know, he popped my cherry (he was my first time) and we became intensely FWB buddies 24/7.

 

It should have not gone on as long as it did. I fell for him hard, yes, he had feelings for me but always told me to see other people because he didn't "want to settle down and have a real committed relationship" (though he wasn't seeing anybody or sleeping with anybody else!) so I did go on afew dates (nothing intimate) and he flipped out! SO that ended fast...But he still didn't want to say "relationship". I got tired of it, we probably had the same 'fight' for 3 years on and off....Nothing ever got resolved but we'd always end up back in bed...That was all it was really...Really f'ing great sex!! Eventually I realized I wanted more, and he didn't. HE was stopping me from finding someone else...Or I was stopping myself. I don't know, depends on how you look at it. I do know that I didn't want to miss Mr. Right by being with this guy. I had afew opportunities and missed boats but knew at that time I wasn't ready to pursue or give up what I had in my life. Just became a comfort thing, I think you know what I mean by that- The familiar body, and trust level in bed.

 

The thing is Alpha, are YOU happy? Do you love her? Can you see yourself growing old with her? Are you scared that she is the one and you just aren't seeing it?

 

Maybe it really is time to s*** or get off the pot. Just go for it. Say OK well, let's move in and give this relationship a chance to grow. IF that is something you want, and what she wants.

 

What does your gut instinct say? Dig real dip and picture your life without this woman. Is she supportive, kind, loving and means the world to you? Does she put that goofy smile on your face when you're really happpy? These are things you need to think about and obviously so does she.

 

Communicate with her, be honest.

 

How old is she? Does she want kids? Marriage? (Just curious here...)

 

Okay well, that's my reply here to you. Hope it helps.

 

WWIU

blind_otter Established Member

blind_otter

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by alphamale

Well you know NAIVE2001, they are stupid. But one does get the best of both worlds, to be with someone and to be single and free both at the same time.

 

I love it actually, I hate the loss of privacy and independence that goes with being in a long-term commited relationship.

 

I briefly dated a man whose parents had this type of relationship.....they had been married and divorced 3 times. He was a basketcase. Personally I think it's relationship addiction. I do this in every relationship, and I am addict-qua-addict.

jellybean Established Member

jellybean

Posted
Posted

alphamale...but isn't this one of tell-tale signs of commitment phobia?

 

You can't commit - yet you can't be committed to NOT commit...

 

So the relationship goes in this stupid back 'n forth, back 'n forth cycle.

 

I dunno.....

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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Originally posted by jellybean

alphamale...but isn't this one of tell-tale signs of commitment phobia?

 

You can't commit - yet you can't NOT commit....

 

So the relationship goes in this stupid back 'n forth, back 'n forth cycle.

 

I dunno.....

 

We are both self-described commitment phobes.

FolderWife Established Member

FolderWife

Posted
Posted

My cousin does this junk.

 

He met a girl when he was 20, and she was 16. They hung out together all the time that her parents would allow. Then she broke up with him, and her parents wouldn't let them get back together. But they got back together any way. Then they broke up again, and her parents wouldn't let them get back together again. Then, she moved in with a guy, and after three months, he threw her out, so she called up my cousin, and they got married a week later.

 

Now they've filed for divorce....2 months after their wedding :rolleyes:

 

drama drama drama. I believe couples like this thrive on drama.

savethedrama4allama

savethedrama4allama

Posted
Posted

They should really save all that drama for their mama.

 

Sorry, couldn't resist.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
We are both self-described commitment phobes.

 

OK well...What happens now Alpha?? What do you think after reading everyone's replies here.

 

Do you want this woman in your life for real or just a once in a while when you both need some fun.

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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
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Posted
Originally posted by Monday

 

drama drama drama. I believe couples like this thrive on drama.

 

Yes, you hit the nail on the head MONDAY. It's all 'bout th e DRAMA.

 

I will respond in more detail tonite when I am at home with a cold beer and hot pizza in my hands.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
I will respond in more detail tonite when I am at home with a cold beer and hot pizza in my hands.

 

Are you sure that's gonna be hot pizza in yer hands????? :p:lmao:

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist. I think I'm abit of a smart ass again today! :D

Sharmaine Member

Sharmaine

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by alphamale

Has anyone ever been in an on-again/off-again (OAOA) relationship over a long time period, say at least 2+ years?

 

I was caught up in one of these relationships for 9 years. He was 18 and I was 17 when we first met. For the first year of our relationship though, we were a 'full time' couple - but 'we' didn't work. The 'on/off' thing followed.

 

We both cannot stay away from each other for extended periods and cannot be together for extended periods. What's the deal?

 

It was exactly the same for us. It's a case of 'can't live with them', can't live without them'. This magnet keeps on drawing you back to one another.

 

- what were circumstances of your OAOA relationship?

 

As above. After the first initial breakup, we went our seperate ways and dated other people. Two months after the break up, we were back together again. Then we split up, then we were back together again and this continued for the next nine years. We just couldn't stay away from each other.

 

- how long did your OAOA last before totally petering out?

 

9 years. I moved away, else it will have likely still been going on.

 

- why did you keep going back?

 

It was him that kept on coming back to me. I always took him back because I loved him and couldn't resist him. The sex was fantastic also, ROFL!

 

- did it keep you from finding someone better?

 

I dated other guys, none ever compared to him. Likewise he dated other girls, (he even got engaged to be married to another woman), but he ditched her and most of his other women, to come back to me.

 

- did the same issues keep coming up that made you break up?

 

Yep.

 

- was there a fear of commitment from both sides?

 

He had a fear of committment I think. I didn't.

 

- did you like the excitement of the OAOA and not knowing what was around the corner?

 

?? Just something I got caught up in and with a guy I was totally in awe of, besotted with and a guy I'd have followed to the ends of the earth.

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