I'm so over this whole "grieving" thing

[Musing]

..Which God do I need to get some bizarre sacrifice for to make this stop?

...What crazy mystical force is punishing me for something I did in a past life?

...Where can I find the real Lacuna Inc?

(These are rhetorical, I don't believe in sacrifices and all that, don't take this seriously)

 

Okay, look.

I have ridden this rollercoaster before and every time it makes me sick. Apparently, I not only hate real life rollercoasters but it turns out I'm not of fan of the mental variety either.

 

I know how this all works. I am a sound person. You go through a traumatic experience, it sucks for awhile, you reflect and "accept the pain", do the whole "grieving dance" and then come out a new person, with strength and new perceptions and blahblahblah.

I know this song, I've sang it many times to others.

Yes, I believe it.

No, I will not talk to my ex.

(just to get these out of the way now)

 

But having memories and...yes..hope, hope that I don't even want but always rears its ugly head...inside me, it's like a parasite. It is like I cannot conceptualize just being a stranger to my ex. That's freaky. It angers me. I just can't. I feel defeated...how can stuff like this happen? Makes you not even want to really pursue relationships.

 

And this..hope. This nasty little creature that resides in the deepest corners of my mind. It likes to come out and play when I try to sleep, or any random time because it just likes to screw with me. And it just abuses my mind with thoughts of the ex talking to me. Or maybe, he'll be ready and we'll be together.

No one knows the future. But I'd rather not set myself up for that fall.

 

I just want to move on. It's so frustrating getting dragged back into this gross state of mind. I'm starting to resent my ex even more because he had his little "weening" period and I have to struggle. But not only that...his stupid face is still in my mind and my stupid emotions won't just drop it. It is exhausting.

Like genuinely making me feel like mush exhausting.

 

My mother always told me "you are the only one in control of how you feel, change your mind" I can't tell you how many times I've said "screw it" and went on about my day, only to somehow end in anger later. It starts with a tiny fleeting thought that turns into rage, which turns into "how can I just be thrown away" to just utter frustration. Without hope, I wouldn't care. I just want to not care. I don't want to like this guy anymore, seriously.

So easy to tell myself "then stop caring" when my brain wants to troll me.

 

This feels like a mental jail and my emotions are beating me with nightsticks.

 

[Xemyd]

You are seriously my mental twin.

 

This whole thread, I second it, exactly.

[JDPT]

Continue rerouting your thoughts. It'll eventually get better. You know the song and dance too well, well indulge in it while it lasts because it'll soon be over.

[TF1975]

I don't think what you are experiencing isn't all that unusual. When you "invest" your emotions into a relationship with another person, your mind doesn't have a reset switch (obviously) to simply wipe them out of your heart and mind. I look at it this way. And hopefully, this will make sense.

 

When you paint a wall (especially drywall), the paint doesn't just cover up the surface, it also absorbs into the material. When you care and/or love someone, the same thing happens. A part of that person absorbs into you and you can never completely remove it.

 

Sure, you can paint over it (start dating someone else) or try to remove it with paint thinner (drink, use drugs, do something to try to remove that person from your memory), but there's an imprint of that person left on you. And the longer you're with someone and the more you cared and loved for them, the deeper it's going to be.

 

I'm certainly no expert on the subject and my dating history is replete with tons of disaster stories, but the last long-term relationship I had (it ended in November), was a nearly 4 year experience. I've done my best to move on and accept that it's over. I've finally reached the point where I can say that to myself (it's over) and know it's true. But I still get a sick feeling in my stomach at the thought of her being with someone else, especially sleeping with someone else. I don't necessarily get angry.

 

Towards the end of our relationship, she decided that even though she didn't want to lose me from her life, she didn't want us to use the terms of boyfriend/girlfriend and that we were "just friends." And for the last 3-4 months of our time together, we were not intimate in any way and she even brought up the notion of us seeing other people.

 

When she told me she had a crush on this guy we both knew, it literally made me feel as if someone had punched me in the stomach and I had to throw up. And the reason why I felt that way then and now is because she became a part of who I am. Even if I can ever find a lasting relationship again, she will always be a part of me because her presence in my life put an imprint on me. If and when the time comes to put a "new coat of paint" on the wall, she and every other woman I've ever dated and had a relationship with will still be a part of me.

 

Going through life and meeting people and experiencing things changes us a little bit. My best advice to you is to simply accept those feelings are going to be there. They will dull with time, but it's best not to fight the emotions. Just let them be and don't let them stress you out. (I know...easier said that done.)

[Musing]

Xemyd: I would "like" your post but I don't actually like that someone else also feels this, because it is numbing.

 

JDPT: I am waiting for the day it just hits me that I don't care to worry over this situation anymore. I like having the free space in my mind when I'm not ruminating.

 

--

I just have a hard time with the "it's in the past now" thing. I've left guys before, sure...but I talked to all of them later on. I don't know, I look at it like - there is something about this person that made you happy, but because the switch flipped, they are discarded totally. Even things like commonalities, tastes, viewpoints...all is gone. Just because I liked and dated them, they now see me as tarnished.

 

I would've been better off not dating him at all and friendzoning him, our relationship probably would have been more meaningful.

 

And I wouldn't have thoughts of wanting to hear from him.

 

I'm just venting.

[Musing]

I don't think what you are experiencing isn't all that unusual. When you "invest" your emotions into a relationship with another person, your mind doesn't have a reset switch (obviously) to simply wipe them out of your heart and mind. I look at it this way. And hopefully, this will make sense.

 

When you paint a wall (especially drywall), the paint doesn't just cover up the surface, it also absorbs into the material. When you care and/or love someone, the same thing happens. A part of that person absorbs into you and you can never completely remove it.

 

[...]

 

And the reason why I felt that way then and now is because she became a part of who I am. Even if I can ever find a lasting relationship again, she will always be a part of me because her presence in my life put an imprint on me.

 

 

Wow TF, thank you. That did give me a new insight. I know I shouldn't really be "fighting" these emotions, they just get so frustrating when all I really want to do is move on and be myself without lingering thoughts.

The way you explained it put it into perspective a little.

[somethingsomething]

Almost 3 months post BU for me, I can almost feel what you're saying.

We've all accepted its over and chances of reconciliation are probably at "never going to happen"

 

and...yes..hope, hope that I don't even want but always rears its ugly head...inside me, it's like a parasite. It is like I cannot conceptualize just being a stranger to my ex. That's freaky. It angers me. I just can't. I feel defeated...how can stuff like this happen? Makes you not even want to really pursue relationships.

 

But there is always that little inkling that won't ever go away >_< so frustrating but it's there. Sometimes I wish I've never met her.

[RDawg]

Great thread.

 

I can't wait for that next layer of paint to come along and obliterate all this suffering. I hope it's going to be a nice thick chunky coat in a gorgeous shade of sky blue.

[Lifegoezon]

Amen to all this. Feel exactly the same. And know TF is on the money. Stay NC, hope fades, we heal and then we get the paintbrush out and start again - even though we may well have to go through it all over again.

[SadNLonley]

OMG. I just put this in another thread "im so sick of this grieving thing". Same thing with the roller coaster.

 

I am 8 months post bu and Im still going through. One day I will be fine and thinking, great moving on. The next day memories hit me and Im back to feeling miserable.

 

Last night I got really mad and thought of our relationship in a different way. A way that made it seem worse than I remember.

 

I so want this to be over. I have been reading all about making myself happy and work on me during this time, but I cant get myself in that mode.

 

I just want the memories to stop. I want to stop dreaming of him.

 

Sad thing is, I wonder at this point if he did come back if we could work it out. 8 months have passed. Im not sure either of us are the same person we were when we were together. Im pretty sure he is/ was dating (cant prove it) and part of me doesnt care. I realized that I no longer check my emails or wait for a text from him. Thats good. Then 2 minutes later Im thinking of all the great things about us and what I miss and Im right back to missing him.

 

This really does suck bigtime. Im so over it. I just wish my brain would stop thinking of him so much.

[Never Again]

I just have a hard time with the "it's in the past now" thing. I've left guys before, sure...but I talked to all of them later on. I don't know, I look at it like - there is something about this person that made you happy, but because the switch flipped, they are discarded totally. Even things like commonalities, tastes, viewpoints...all is gone. Just because I liked and dated them, they now see me as tarnished.

 

I would've been better off not dating him at all and friendzoning him, our relationship probably would have been more meaningful.

 

And I wouldn't have thoughts of wanting to hear from him.

 

I'm just venting.

 

I share these feelz.

[flightplan]

 

I would've been better off not dating him at all and friendzoning him, our relationship probably would have been more meaningful.

 

And I wouldn't have thoughts of wanting to hear from him.

 

 

This is exactly how I feel. In hindsight, I should have friend zoned her to protect the 10+ year friendship. But we took the risk together and ultimately lost. Lost my best friend and lover. The ultimate suck.

[Musing]

Thanks guys, it is nice knowing I'm not alone.

 

But the fact that relationships so powerful become so transparent or fleeting...I mean, moreso than simple friendships, it messes with my mind.

 

Every day I feel decent, I always wonder if it is due to having false hope that he'd contact me.

 

And every day I feel despair, I don't know if it is because I am "addicted" to grieving.

 

I am just confused and want this to be over. Depression seems to be a "thing" now, on top of my seasonal moodiness (I can't do anything because I get snowed in every weekend and genuinely despise cold weather all together)

It is making is difficult for me to do things because my motivation is completely shot, and so my mind ruminates on the relationship, on the break up, and on his absence.

 

I wish I could talk to him

[StringsAttached]

"...What crazy mystical force is punishing me for something I did in a past life?"

 

lol I asked myself this question many times and realized it's me who's punishing me.

 

Trust me. You're well on the road to victory.

[Never Again]

The fact that relationships so powerful become so transparent or fleeting...I mean, moreso than simple friendships, it messes with my mind.

 

I know what you mean. This thought alone pierced my heart more than any other.

 

I had an instant connection, instant commitment, and instant chemistry in my last relationship...and it all dissolved in a matter of weeks.

 

It's a mindf**k for sure.

 

 

It is making is difficult for me to do things because my motivation is completely shot, and so my mind ruminates on the relationship, on the break up, and on his absence.

 

I wish I could talk to him

 

Again, I share these feelz.

 

Other things had me in a similar state before the breakup (which probably led to it), and then everything exploded. It's hard to regain your footing, but you'll get there.

 

If I can do it, anyone can.

[London_girl_1985]

You are seriously my mental twin.

 

This whole thread, I second it, exactly.

 

I think we're triplets. Exactly how I'm feeling now.

[London_girl_1985]

 

Every day I feel decent, I always wonder if it is due to having false hope that he'd contact me.

 

And every day I feel despair, I don't know if it is because I am "addicted" to grieving.

 

Omg, you have just put into words what I couldn't. Sometimes I feel sad and I'm like – wait, do I actually care? Or am I just enjoying this pain? And other days when I feel good I convince myself that he must be missing me.

 

But then I realise it doesn't matter if he misses me or doesn't miss me (he probably doesn't, and we can't be together anyway because of geography) because either way I need to be thinking about MY life, without him in it.

 

The only way you are going to forget about this person is when you meet someone else, someone who you think is better, someone who meets your expectations. It could take a while but when they come along it will be SO worth it and you will forget all the times you spent despairing about the current guy.

 

I love my job and so that really helps to distract me during the day. Do you like what you do? If not, change it!

[Musing]

Omg, you have just put into words what I couldn't. Sometimes I feel sad and I'm like – wait, do I actually care? Or am I just enjoying this pain? And other days when I feel good I convince myself that he must be missing me.

 

But then I realise it doesn't matter if he misses me or doesn't miss me (he probably doesn't, and we can't be together anyway because of geography) because either way I need to be thinking about MY life, without him in it.

 

The only way you are going to forget about this person is when you meet someone else, someone who you think is better, someone who meets your expectations. It could take a while but when they come along it will be SO worth it and you will forget all the times you spent despairing about the current guy.

 

I love my job and so that really helps to distract me during the day. Do you like what you do? If not, change it!

 

Hey London Girl , Xemyd, Pfenixphire, and others,

Hope this holiday is taking mercy on you guys.

 

I am looking forward to "Mr. Right" instead of "Mr. Right Now"

 

The good news to this post is I'm having a lot of insight and enlightenment lately, maybe me pleading with some powerful force has paid off

But really. I talked to my mom and dad about how I was feeling when I first started "realizing" stuff and they both said "You're going to experience a lot of this" and they were right. It's very weird, you start to see things in your relationship that you didn't catch while you were with them, or the first few weeks of a BU, or the next few weeks...it's stuff that was fundamentally wrong with not only me, or the RS, but also him and is giving me a new perception of him.

 

It's making him seem less attractive. I am on the precipice of being okay with him as a stranger. Not totally there yet. I get setbacks but after admitting to some of his faults that I kept excusing, it's starting to feel like I'm okay with him walking away. I'm a little embarrassed that I compromised myself or my principles for him. I dumbed myself down, I reduced myself to an immature individual because he didn't quite get me, or my vocabulary, or my mindset.

 

It's a crappy experience knowing your own intelligence but having others nearly mock it because they themselves don't understand. I should've walked away sooner.

 

We had so much in common about lifestyle, views, politics and everything *important*. But we were total opposite in musical tastes, hobbies, clothes etc. I figured "well, those aren't what matters!" Unfortunately, a friend of mine pointed out: those shallow things did matter to my ex right now, like they mattered to me when I was his age. I just started to appreciate connecting with people on more serious or deeper levels. He wasn't. So in essence, although we had all the "right" things in common, we did not have the same focus which can destroy everything. He won't "get it" for quite a while and frankly, I don't have "quite a while" to wait anymore.

 

It's crazy how deep this rabbit hole goes but this is the kind of stuff you don't see until you get further away from the situation.

I can kind of see the light at the end of it all. It's still kind of far though. I feel like this journey is no longer about me losing him, but about finding myself.

[DontBreakEven]

Here, you want to get rid of your hope?

 

Take your own advice from your post "a dumper's point of view":

 

"There was no crazy scheme... [he is] a 19 year old who wanted to live [his] life. Simple as that."

 

There ya go. That's what he is thinking. There is no hope. You are just now a dumpee for the first time and feeling the pain and anguish. Welcome to the club. It sucks balls.

 

(Sorry to not be ms. positive .. but let's be real .. you've hurt people in the past and admitted it. You are hurting because you know exactly how it's not the same for him and it blows).

 

Okay clearly this Holiday has put me in a bad head space. ugh.

Edited February 15, 2014 by DontBreakEven

[Musing]

Here, you want to get rid of your hope?

 

Take your own advice from your post "a dumper's point of view":

 

"There was no crazy scheme... [he is] a 19 year old who wanted to live [his] life. Simple as that."

 

There ya go. That's what he is thinking. There is no hope. You are just now a dumpee for the first time and feeling the pain and anguish. Welcome to the club. It sucks balls.

 

(Sorry to not be ms. positive .. but let's be real .. you've hurt people in the past and admitted it. You are hurting because you know exactly how it's not the same for him and it blows).

 

Okay clearly this Holiday has put me in a bad head space. ugh.

 

Man, it's just a process. I'd never text him, it's just something to get over hence why I post here.

Everyone has a weak moment. I'd never actually cave, though. Particularly because I know what is going though his head. It stings the ego, clearly.

 

Today actually helped me move on a bit more, went out with some single friends, it does wonders.

[SadNLonley]

Man, it's just a process. I'd never text him, it's just something to get over hence why I post here.

Everyone has a weak moment. I'd never actually cave, though. Particularly because I know what is going though his head. It stings the ego, clearly.

 

 

Im just like you. I will not reach out to him, but it sucks that i mean so little to him that he has never reached out to me. The ego i think is the thing that is hurting me so badly. why cant i be loved like I he said he loved me?!!!

[Musing]

Im just like you. I will not reach out to him, but it sucks that i mean so little to him that he has never reached out to me. The ego i think is the thing that is hurting me so badly. why cant i be loved like I he said he loved me?!!!

 

The trick, and what helps me most, is knowing who he actually is and that he's not really that special. Not as special as I perceived for a long while.

 

Knowing he is not special and is just another guy makes me wonder why I need to be validated by him. There are other guys out there that could easily do the same. But more importantly, I am learning to validate myself to me, not some guy.

 

Anyway, I'm at a good place right now. No telling where I'll be a week from today. I guess I'll see! But I'm getting to the point of not even really caring if I hear from him again. It's an awesome feeling, I hope it lasts

[Tulipsgold]

@Musing!! You basicly just saved my life with this thread. I'm going to print it out and put it under my pillow. All troughout this horrid, horrid period that is called breaking up with your boyfried, I have been trying to put on paper how I really felt. However it never really made any sense. It didn't really cover the real problem I had with this breaking up from your boyfried. I tried so many times, but just couldn't get it right. Untill I read your post, cause you just did that for me. It almost made me cry. I'm so happy someone has the exact same issues as me. I'm going to show it to all my friends, so when they ask me how I am doing, all I have to do is show your post. THANK YOU!

I really owe you one, and I wish I could give you an answer, but unfortanutely I can't. I do however bake a pretty okay red velvet cake

[SadNLonley]

Knowing he is not special and is just another guy makes me wonder why I need to be validated by him. There are other guys out there that could easily do the same. But more importantly, I am learning to validate myself to me, not some guy.

 

Thing Im starting to go through is lonliness. I have friends and family, but it just isn't the same. I miss so many things about the relationship.

[LostConfused123]

Red velvet cake!!!

yummy!! Even better, soaked in vodka. . . . just kidding!

((hugs everyone!!))