Gaeta Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I have a strong personality and a strong will. In life I am a fighter, a winner, nothing keeps me down, I am strong and determined. My friends know they can count on me night and day. I have listenned to them for hours when they had broken hearts, I visited them when they were lonely and down, I've cancelled events to be with them, I check up on them every day, I cheer them up, give them the pep talk they need to make it through the day, etc. Now I find myself at the end of a relationship. I need to vent, I need to talk about how disappointed I am, I need to let myself being vulnerable for a moment, I need to be the weak one, but no one is there to offer a shoulder. I get ' forget him ' then they change the subject. What do you do with friends like this?
D-Lish Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Now I find myself at the end of a relationship. I need to vent, I need to talk about how disappointed I am, I need to let myself being vulnerable for a moment, I need to be the weak one, but no one is there to offer a shoulder. I get ' forget him ' then they change the subject. What do you do with friends like this? You'll find out who your real friends are now that you are the one that needs tending to. I went through that with a best girlfriend I'd had for close to 10 years. I was the strong one, and she leaned on me heavily, and constantly. I went through 2 major issues in those 10 years- she acted put out that the roles were reversed when I needed her- even though I never asked her for anything much in 10 years of friendship, but I tended to her daily. What do you do? You find yourself better friends, that's what I did. 4
maiden of rohan Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 It's a nightmare being the "strong one" in friendships and relationships. To the point where people think you can just cope perfectly fine on your own, and even if you can, it's still nice to know there's a willing shoulder and some kind reassuring words if you need them. Honestly, some friends just assume because you're the strong one that you are fine without them. I had the exact same thing happen with my friend. I was there for her for seven years with her relationship drama, and as soon as I get some of my own, it's change the subject. I didn't know if it was because I'd always presented as someone emotionally capable of keeping it all together, or if it was just lack of interest, (I'm hoping it's the former) but I did feel very annoyed at the lack of reciprocation. We're still friends, but I have noticed that I don't confide in her that much anymore, and when I try, there's a definite barrier up. It's not that I don't want to, but it's that I know I don't want to burden her with my issues, and I am, by all accounts, pretty damn good at handling my emotional drama on my own. I guess you could sit them down, and have a quiet word with them about this. Establish what you expect from them, and what you feel is lacking at the moment, because friendships are a two-way street. It's not fair being expected to be there when they hit hard times, but them expecting to be able to skip away when you hit hard times. It could simply be that they don't realise you need their help and support, and a little word will help with that. But, I'd also suggest start looking for better friends. 2
preraph Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 ^ This is true. I have always been the strong one. Then I had a crisis of major depression triggered by a set of circumstances that took me to rock bottom. I told everyone best I knew how to. Certainly they listened, but when I remained depressed and once I got back to work after a couple of years, it's like they just forgot about me. Inside I was still a real mess. I went to doctors, even a psychologist, and no meds were forthcoming, which I badly needed. Because even when depressed I am still stronger and more stoic than many people, they just assumed I was okay. I wasn't. I wasted many years in that state with no one insisting the doctors give me Prozac or something. And I know it would have helped because I ended up getting a short course of antidepressant for a reason to do with a neuropathy (phantom pain sort of from damaged nerve in leg from an accident). That drug at the time was experimental for pain but classed antidepressant -- now it's classed for both. Anyway, I remember laying on the couch after about 2 weeks of the 3 week course and noticed I was humming for the first time in years. So I guess when you're the strong one, you have to get in someone's face and say "I really need help" and you also need to go to the next doctor if the first one doesn't do anything helpful. My friends are able to be supportive. They just knew how strong I was and thought I could get through anything. What finally brought me back to myself was I had kept journals for years and years, and I was trying to look something up in one, having never read them since I'd written them. I became engrossed and read the volumes from beginning to end -- and in the process I remembered who I was and how much I'd accomplished, how far I'd come, and I managed to reconnect with my inner core and rise from the ashes, shakey at first, and brittle, but I was back nonetheless. It's hard to find help when you are down because the impulse is to just isolate. But keep reaching out and tell people you really need them now.
darkmoon Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I will never again sit thru moany friends, 2 yrs wasted, 1 yr each on a moany friend, neither there for me, after 1 or 2 close chats to help them, then send them to professionals for help, srs
SerCay Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) Honestly, some friends just assume because you're the strong one that you are fine without them. Or, as if I have come across as the ''strong friend'' they just don't think about how you're doing, because they're used to the one way lane. They genuinely don't think about how you are doing because they're very self absorbed. As a strong person, it takes other strong persons to be able to be a reciprocative friend. I confide in my brother or my mom usually, they're like me in that sense and I can feel that they truly care. Nowadays I keep friendships platonic and only for fun things. Also, it would surprise you how many friends are jealous of a strong friend. Therefore they react f*cked up and as short as possible when you tell them something about yourself, either positive or negative. Edited February 13, 2014 by SerCay
Author Gaeta Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 She sees her boyfriend something like 5 nights a week but he won't be there tomorrow night Valentine's Day. She's on text talking about how it's so unfair she is going to spend Valentine's night alone. She complains like that while a few weeks ago the man in my life pulled a disappearing act on me, left for another country and POOF, gone. He fell off the face of the planet and I have to find closure on my own. But life is unfair because her boyfriend can't sleep over tomorrow night. She is to the extreme but family has the same attitude on a smaller scale. When I divorced a few years ago I overheard one of my brother say: I am not worried if someone can fall back on her feet fast it's Gaeta. While he thought so, it took me 3 years to get over the emotional distress of that divorce but no one ever noticed.
SerCay Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 She is to the extreme but family has the same attitude on a smaller scale. When I divorced a few years ago I overheard one of my brother say: I am not worried if someone can fall back on her feet fast it's Gaeta. While he thought so, it took me 3 years to get over the emotional distress of that divorce but no one ever noticed. On this part I can give you an advice: Try to show your emotions and vulnerability to your family. If they still don't get it, keep showing it and keep saying it. They might be closed off from believing a strong person like you can also have troubles in emotion land. Eventually they will understand you're just a person like they are. Source: My own life
VeronicaRoss Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I sure can relate to this, and I'm sorry you're going through it as it's painful. The challenge will be can you relate to people who are just as strong as you? Maybe even be OK to feel a little intimidated by how together they are? First time this happened to me was in high school. My 'best friend' said when I told her and another friend I was depressed: "I thought you were perfect, but you aren't. You're just like the rest of us." She was furious and she turned on me and I was no longer her best friend. Now that was crazy. I had no idea I looked that way to her, I sure wasn't trying to look perfect. I was honest about living in a crazy home, she knew that. The difference was I was acting weak, she wouldn't put up with that. She's is a very brilliant but troubled person. I gave her another chance after college and just regretted it. Being an advice giver naturally puts us in a position of acting superior. It's a dangerous thing. I chose early on not to become a psychologist because that side of my personality was already over-developed, I wanted to be more well-rounded and to relate to people in a different way. I'm hanging out on LS so much these days is to get 'advice giving' fix for strangers instead. It's great to give and get advice when it's wanted. It's a bad habit in real life. It attracts a certain kind of friend.
writergal Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 ^^100% agree with VeronicaRoss. Being the advice giver in friendships means those people will leech every ounce of emotional reserve from you if they are allowed, to use for themselves. Those types never return the favor. In the future, when people come to you for advice, choose not to offer it. You can acknowledge their situation without becoming their agony aunt. Really, people just want to know that their friends care about them. You can say something like, "It sounds like a tough situation and I can hear how much pain you're in. I hope everything works out for the best for you." And stop there! Don't make yourself their 24/7 crisis connection. Personal boundaries for advice givers are needed. And advice givers are compassionate people who love to help others, but they tend not to be as good to themselves by taking on more than they need to when it comes to helping other people. I'm not saying you should give up being the advice giver of your circle of friends. All I'm suggesting is that you take a break from it and let people know that you need to nurse your own wounds for the time being. "I'm going through a hard time right now so I'm really not able to give you the support you need right now." It's okay to set boundaries with other people when you need to focus on yourself. Maybe some of your friends will respond to you with emotional support. If none of them do as you've said, then you know that they are not the kind of friends who reciprocate emotionally. They are takers, not givers. So now you know that if they come whining to you in the future about their problems, you can say "sorry, I hear you're in pain but I can't help you" without feeling any guilt. I think women tend to guilt trip ourselves when we need to set healthy boundaries with other women and I don't know why that happens. 1
Tayla Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 We create our roles in relationships, we define them. By stating "I AM" - Insert any adjective, you in a sense painted that role. So we must accept our responsibility in that role. My endearing friends carry a variety of strengths and areas of growth to be had. We don't corner one another into a "Ohh you are the strong one", We allow our friends to be. We rely on one another when need be and know when to stand on our own. We encourage and build each other up, and sometimes we call one another out when its necessary. So step back and ask yourself how you can work towards being wholesome by not carrying the air of "ohh I am the strong one", because sometimes the very thing we boast of,comes back to haunt us. My hope is that you gently allow yourself to be open to others and their strengths....Surely you didnt intentionally seek friends that are weaker then you so you can carry that role? I'd like to think you just need to step back, regroup and find a way to see your friends in a new light, they may just welcome you turning over that role and allowing them to be a source of reliance.
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