swimming2 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 So I recently started using a dating app (completely new as I've never used any sorts of online dating before) by a friend who convinced me to try it. I got matches pretty quickly but didn't really bother messaging anyone as I wasn't taking it seriously. This one girl messaged me and we instantly hit it off and just recently had our first meet up. I was honestly expecting the worst out of this meetup as I had never tried online dating before and I have heard of so many horror stories. She turned out to be as cute as in her pictures, while being both an extremely nice and intelligent person. Now she recently added me on Facebook and upon some light browsing of her profile, a red flag popped up. She was in a 2 year long relationship which only ended about 2-3 weeks ago. Now my first thought is just to run for the hills. I've rebounded myself onto other girls in the past and these relationships have always ended with me being emotionally unavailable and dumping them eventually. My most serious ex girlfriend also rebounded onto another guy when we broke up and did the exact same emotional unavailability followed by dumping (with the added trying to get back with me while she was dating him). It took me approximately 4 months to get over my most serious ex and another 6-8 months to be actually ready to commit myself to another person so a total of about a year to be ready for a new relationship. What I'm saying is that from personal experience, the rebound girlfriend/boyfriend always ends up screwed over, cheated on, dumped, etc. This girl blew my expectations out of the water when we met up and if she was not fresh out of a relationship I would immediately see her again without hesitation as I really enjoyed her company. She declared several times since the meeting that she thoroughly enjoyed herself and would love to meet up again sometime. Should I go with my initial reaction and just run for the hills to save myself from the possible future emotional pain? Should I just go with the flow and refrain from investing myself emotionally and see what happens?
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I don't know if you have rules, but I have been disappointed SO MANY TIMES with dating that I now have a list of ``don't`` and the first one on top of the list is 1. Do not date men freshly out of relationship. You don't have to take my advice, you can go and experience it yourself but usually it's a dead-end. It starts like fireworks and it dies as quickly as it started. For your future reference, a person out of a relationship will usually need 25% of the length of that relationship to move on. Meaning a 1 year relationship = 3 months.........a 2 year relationship = 6 months.
Author swimming2 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Thanks for the reply Gaeta, I definitely agree that it seems like it will most likely be a dead-end especially from my experience. I guess I just can't help but be a helpless romantic and wonder "what if" even when it is unlikely to happen. I'll most likely wait for other people's advice as well as talk with friends/family about it before I make a decision on this.
carhill Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 IMO, if you routinely run into clearly single ladies who've been out of relationships for awhile, pass on this one and focus in on those potentials. If you rarely find such potentials and feel that women in your demographic are rarely single long, I'd roll the dice. Either it works out or it doesn't. There's no way of knowing unless you try.
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Depends also what you're looking for and where you're at in your own life. If you have yourself just come out of a relationship then by all means go out and have fun! but if you've been around the block, you've been on your own for a while, you went from dead-end dates to dead-end dates and you are tired of wasting your time.......I would avoid this one. You know, 2-3 weeks broken up after 2 years. Chances are she is just pouting and she'll be back with him in a few weeks. 1
Guy On The Couch Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 You would be better off just letting this one walk. A few weeks out of a long term relationship, is not enough time for anyone to fully process the prior relationship.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 You don't know the circumstances of their relationship ending. Perhaps it grew platonic and was a mutual ending as mates with no bad feelings. Maybe she's ready to date if it was dead in the water for months before they pulled the plug. Go out with her again, feel her out and listen for her response when you speak about how long you've been single and how you found yourselves on tinder. 1
Jethro Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 For your future reference, a person out of a relationship will usually need 25% of the length of that relationship to move on. Meaning a 1 year relationship = 3 months.........a 2 year relationship = 6 months. What? So I should be waiting 5 years to date again? I think this does not apply to people 40+. In fact I KNOW it doesn't apply. 5 years alone... just kill me now.
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 What? So I should be waiting 5 years to date again? I think this does not apply to people 40+. In fact I KNOW it doesn't apply. 5 years alone... just kill me now. If you were married for 20 years it's not impossible you need 5 years to reprocess your life. And what's wrong with being single? I was single for 10 years in between 2 relationships. I've learn a load **** about myself, got back on my feet financially,got back in tip top shape, had all the sex-boys my little body could handle. When I decided I was ready for a real meaningful relationship I was ready 150%. There are other things in life than being in a romantic relationship. 1
veggirl Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 If you are looking for a serious relationship then tell this girl you aren't comfortable dating someone so freshly out of an LTR and move on. If she's still single this summer, maybe get in touch then.
TheNewMe2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Every situation is different. Jumping to conclusions may result in you losing a relationship that may be right for you. I think the normal answer would be that if she's two weeks out of a two year long relationship, she's not ready. Unless you have a lot invested in her or you feel a very strong connection, it might be wise not to go down that path. Why go through pain and heartache that you could avoid. Having said that, I was in a ten year relationship - I think I was emotionally available shortly after the separation because I had slowly 'healed' and made peace with the relationship ending prior to the 'official' end. Now, in my case - I think I was emotionally ready, but had too much pent up energy to be with one person. That's something I learned a few months later. Every situation is different and I'll go back to my advice - unless you REALLY like this woman, maybe you should move to the next. There are plenty women on the on-line dating world (though, most seem to have some kind of baggage). I'm sure you'd find another.
Imajerk17 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 You never know. She might have checked out of her last R long before she ended it. Go on another date and see what happens. I mean what do you have to lose.
KathyM Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I think you should continue going out with her, but just take it slow and don't get too emotionally invested early on. If she's as good as you said she is, she won't be available for long, so I think you would be missing out on some good prospects if you had the rule that they have to be completely healed from the past relationship before you will date them. There's always the chance she'll go back to her ex, but there's always the chance she'll dump you for other reasons as well. I think it's worth the risk. Just take it slow and don't get too emotionally invested early on. Do start to lay the groundwork for a relationship though. 1
Imajerk17 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I agree with KathyM. Nothing when it comes to dating is 100%. People have gone back to their exes after being single for 6 months. And people have also met the love of their life right after breaking up with someone else. By waiting 6 months or whatever there is a chance that she might not be single anymore. Keep your eyes open, take it slow, don't rush into anything.
carhill Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I definitely agree that it seems like it will most likely be a dead-end especially from my experience. I guess I just can't help but be a helpless romantic and wonder "what if" even when it is unlikely to happen. If this comment is indicative of your relationship history, that could be one vote for passing up on this, as 'hopeless romantic' appears to indicate early investment and 'dead-end especially from my experience' appears to indicate you have a history of these dynamics ending poorly. If something doesn't work for you, you can choose to keep trying it, or try something else. Up to you.
oldshirt Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 It took me years to see the light on this one. All the advice you are getting here with the exception of KathieM is dead wrong! Don't waste a minute. Don't flinch. Don't worry about if she's been out of a relationship 2 weeks, two years or 2 frick' n minutes. Attractive, personable women are never not entangled with someone to on degree or another. They are never just free and clear. There is someone approaching them every single day. If you wait till this gal is "over" her last relationship and wait for some kind of prescribed waiting period, you are going to spend your life waiting on the sidelines while guys that don't give a crap when someone got out of a R are doing all the dating. You wait for this gal and I guarantee you someone else is going to swoop in. It's her business to worry about if she wants to date or not. If she doesn't want to go out with you, she'll say no. If she says yes then don't give one single thought to whether she is 'over' someone or not. Let her fat girlfriends that can't get dates of their own worry about if she is dating again to soon or not.
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