I am so through

[shinealight]

But is up to you to decide weather or not you want to spend another year or rest of your'e life with her knowing that she is still going to have these arguments/ lash outs. As i said and people said be happy or depressed your'e choice

[salparadise]

It makes me cringe when I see you present BPD or other mental health issues as an explanation for someone's actions when you have not had an unbiased account of their true behavior. It's why psychologists rapidly lose credibility when they go on TV and make a statement about a public figure that they have had NO interaction with. It's unfair to both the poster and the other person and though I know this is a big topic you've researched extensively I would caution you on suggesting BPD may be the case when chances are, it's not.

 

And who placed you in charge of censoring other forum members?

 

In other words, stop trying to give everyone a diagnosis! If so many people meet the criteria for being on the "spectrum" then it's not necessarily a disease.. It's just how people are!

 

This guy came for some insight about his situation and not to have his girlfriend labeled. Let's give him what he asks for.

 

Wrong- it's a disorder not a disease, and the fact that large numbers of people may have BPD or any other disorder does not make it any less abnormal or dysfunctional. He's not presuming to diagnose, merely pointing out that the behaviors described by the OP are consistent with the criteria. If the OP recognizes the pattern then it gives him much additional insight into the probable etiology, characteristics, and prognosis regardless of your objections to someone pointing out these correlations.

 

If you've talked to her about it numerous times and she's unwilling to change her habits...

 

Talk to her about changing her habits, eh? Well I'd say your degree of insight is pretty self-evident.

[pie2]

It makes me cringe when I see you present BPD or other mental health issues as an explanation for someone's actions when you have not had an unbiased account of their true behavior.

 

 

I couldn't agree more, OTG. A personality disorder must be exhibited across all areas of a person's life, but most people aren't aware of the more broad definitions of what constitutes a personality disorder. The OP in this thread didn't shed any light onto how this girl functions in the rest of her life. For all we know, she could only be displaying this dysfunction in the dynamic of her relationship with shankers. Or, shankers may actually be ignoring her and exacerbating her frustrations. Suffice it to say, we really don't know much about who the GF is, what her history is, etc. Plus, there are hundreds of diagnoses in the DSM, and the behavior she's displaying could be a symptom of something else...we really don't know!

Edited February 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[shankers]

Btw I have never cheated on another woman. The closet thing I have done to cheating is grinding with another girl while dating my current gf. This happened a YEAR ago.

 

 

 

Other awkward behaviors she displays

 

-Last week she starts yelling at me in center Philadelphia in public for about ten minutes because I was thirty minutes late to a day she planned out for meg quietly or even venting..like legit yelling. I was taking public transportation.This is the third time I have ever been late ever with her in a year and a half. She was mad because she apparently payed a cook onehundred dollars to prepare a meal. I understand why she was upset but I think she overkilled it. We could have possibly made to the restaurant it if we had rushed and might have been kinda late. However she was more focused on carrying on and me being late. I honestly doubt she payed the cook but whatever. We couldnt go anywhere because I didnt calm her down.

 

-She will not add me on facebook because I am online friends with some people who don't like her and vice versa. I don't have pictures of my past on there. We have been friends for almost 2 years and she wont add me on fb because of people she doesnt like on my fb whom I never talk to.

 

-2 weeks ago she came over and checked my history. She found that I thumbed up a pic of a nude woman on stumbeupon. She knows I watch porn. She has even suggested threesomes with other women (she wants to experiment). I can watch lesbian porn and even save it and favorite it. But apparently I lied to her because she had asked me if I look at pinups and I said no. Of course I forgot about this one time. Anyway what sparked the argument was that I said she had no business looking on my computer. She dint like it and started going off on a tirade. Pretty much she wouldn't stop complaining and crying. If my dad found out he would literally flip as she is not allowed in the house due to complications. Anyway she continued by taking my phone. She wouldn't stop complaining unless I let her look through my phone and my fb messages. So I had to give it to her or else my dad would have killed both of us. After looking and finding nothing she still would not calm down. She would not go to sleep and kept nagging me and told me she wouldn't let me go to school in the morning. I had to hug her in order to calm her down and I literally made me sick. This fight lasted from about 8pm to about 2am. I stopped paying attention to her an tried to watch a movie. I kind of messed up halfway through and accidentally laughed at her because she asked why I was paying more attention to the movie than her after all she had done.

 

- I am so tired of her saying "stop looking at other women". We have fought about this issues thousands of times. I literally counted that she said it 16 times in a day. She gets on me and says that she cant help it if it looks like im doing it...which of course I dont. As you can imagine multiple fights have blossomed because of this..

[shankers]

I know here relationship with her mom isnt very good. Her relationship with her dad is fine. Of course I cant complain because my relationship with my dad isn't very good. Also I do know that she just recently got suspended from her job. How she has managed to keep it this long I have no idea. She thinks that 99.9 percent of men are apparent pigs. She states she only has a few real friends. She doesnt like the majority of my friends. SHe calls them fake. I have a large circle because I am in a fraternity. In addition I have caught her in lies before. She will talk with someone and then come back to me and tell me something completely different.

[pie2]

I know that BPD has a HUGE range. so many women have been diagnosed with it even though they are not. In addition she has never wanted self harm or the binge sprees. I dont think she has BPD, she just acts like a child. Finally its not up to me or you to diagnose her. Im not being reluctant just truthfull.

 

 

There's a quote I like:

 

 

"Drama doesn't just come into your life. You either invite it into your life, create it in your life or surround yourself with people who bring it into your life!"

 

 

Just a day ago, it seemed you had a different mindset, and now it seems you're going down the "blame the partner" path. Please don't lose sight of the fact that you're in a long-term relationship with this person. Does that mean you have a dependent personality disorder? What in you likes to stick around with so much dysfunction?

[Emilia]

I know here relationship with her mom isnt very good. Her relationship with her dad is fine. Of course I cant complain because my relationship with my dad isn't very good. Also I do know that she just recently got suspended from her job. How she has managed to keep it this long I have no idea. She thinks that 99.9 percent of men are apparent pigs. She states she only has a few real friends. She doesnt like the majority of my friends. SHe calls them fake. I have a large circle because I am in a fraternity. In addition I have caught her in lies before. She will talk with someone and then come back to me and tell me something completely different.

Do you find that she molds herself to you or to the people around her?

[shankers]

Im not really sure what you mean by that.

[shankers]

hey hadyn and dowtown. If you guys could email me I have a few question if you guy are willing to answer. If there is anyway you could post something in order for me to get into contact with you with some added advice...that might be necessary.

[shankers]

Pie i didnt read the article in the first place. Thats why my mind "changed", after I went back and read it, it scared the hell out of me.

[Downtown]

Shankers, you apparently don't have sufficient posts yet to receive PMs. I therefore am unable to contact you that way. I don't know what the magic number is (perhaps 50?). In any event, I encourage you to make continued use of this thread of yours here in the forum. One of the advantages of sharing your experiences here on the forum is that you are able to help numerous other members and lurkers (non-members). There have already been over 900 "views" of your thread. If there are some personal details that are too private to place here, Haydn and I can always discuss them later with you when you have PM privileges.

[shankers]

thank you downtown I appreciate the advice

[Downtown]

I didnt read the article in the first place. Thats why my mind "changed", after I went back and read it, it scared the hell out of me.

Shankers, which article are you referring to?

[shankers]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/438883-should-i-date-my-ex#post5330262

[Downtown]

thank you downtown I appreciate the advice

Shankers, given your interest in the BPD information, you are fortunate that Emilia, Hadyn, and Sal Paradise have joined the discussion here in your thread. All of them have had many years of experience with BPDers.

[pie2]

Pie i didnt read the article in the first place. Thats why my mind "changed", after I went back and read it, it scared the hell out of me.

 

 

Hmmm.

 

 

So how would a diagnosis of BPD change how you approach this relationship?

 

 

Do you really want to spend a bulk of your energy pointing your finger at her, dissecting her every behavior, ripping her to pieces? Will that make you a better partner? Will that strengthen your character and help turn you into a proactive, assertive man?

 

 

I really wish you the best, OP. I do not want you to experience any more pain, as it seems you've suffered in this relationship. Please forgive me if you think I'm nitpicking you about this topic.

[shankers]

Constructive Criticism is always welcome pie. Thank you for the advice. Your partially right about one thing though, it is wrong for me to constantly nit pick her behavior. However this has gone on far to long. Again I appreciate everyone's input. She may not have a personality disorder, but there is something definitely wrong with certain areas in our relationship.

[Downtown]

Shankers, you mentioned some additional questions you would like to ask. Is there anything you want to ask while waiting for your post count to reach 50?

[Emilia]

So how would a diagnosis of BPD change how you approach this relationship?

 

 

Do you really want to spend a bulk of your energy pointing your finger at her, dissecting her every behavior, ripping her to pieces? Will that make you a better partner? Will that strengthen your character and help turn you into a proactive, assertive man?

Yes. People that end up in relationships with BPDers tend to have codependent tendencies. This is a very important aspect of their character to understand in order to avoid further similar relationships such as this. Which is why these threads are essential and trying to silence those you disagree with is unhelpful.

[Emilia]

Constructive Criticism is always welcome pie. Thank you for the advice. Your partially right about one thing though, it is wrong for me to constantly nit pick her behavior. However this has gone on far to long. Again I appreciate everyone's input. She may not have a personality disorder, but there is something definitely wrong with certain areas in our relationship.

There are plenty here that can relate to how you feel shankers. You are learning a lot about yourself as well in the process, you are growing. Not everyone understands that but don't let them stop you.

[pie2]

Yes. People that end up in relationships with BPDers tend to have codependent tendencies. This is a very important aspect of their character to understand in order to avoid further similar relationships such as this. Which is why these threads are essential and trying to silence those you disagree with is unhelpful.

 

 

Threads recognizing and focusing on one's own tendencies are helpful, imo.

 

 

And offering viewpoints different than yours is the beauty of a forum. I honestly don't think that the diagnose-the-partner approach is the most beneficial. Sorry you don't seem to agree.

[shankers]

@downtown nope I have everything. We broke up a few days ago and Im mailing her stuff back to her. There is no way we are meeting up haha. its just easier that way. I blocked her from everything.

[Downtown]

Sounds like a very wise decision to me, Shankers. I was wondering how you are making out. Thanks so much for returning to give us an update.

[shankers]

Sounds like a very wise decision to me, Shankers. I was wondering how you are making out. Thanks so much for returning to give us an update.

 

Thank you so much for the advice Downtown. She may not have BPD but she definitely has some other issues she needs to get resolved. It seems nothing we did would make us happy and it seems that there ALWAYS needed to be another problem. So much so that it built up..its sad because I really like her and she is not a bad person....she just has issues I suppose. In addition, is anyone familiar with cognitive distortion? Perceiving events in a different manner that other people would? It would be great if somebody had some research on the topic simply because it seemed to happen A LOT in our relationship.

 

One more thing. She also said I had staring problems. One of the reason why she couldn't trust me was because I had these apparent staring problems. However I'm not going to admit to something I don't do. Literally every time we went she would say "stop staring at other women" no less that 10 times. I never stared or eye humped another woman and we have gotten into numerous fights about it even after I have voiced it to her. SHe then follows up with "I just hate how it looks like it".I would honestly just look around. We have fought about this for literally the entirety of our relationship. Even when it ended I admitted to her that I didn't do it you know because how can I admit to something I don't do?? Anyway does that justify trust issues and all? If im presented with this problem again...what does anyone think I should do.

[Downtown]

She may not have BPD.

Shankers, it is extremely unlikely that you will ever know whether she "has BPD," i.e., has full-blown BPD. Even if she does, therapists generally are loath to tell most BPDers the name of their disorder (for the BPDers' own protection, as I explain in other threads).

 

Moreover, when you're shopping for a potential mate, it really does not matter whether she "has BPD." What matters is whether her BPD traits are much stronger than average. Even when BPD traits fall short of satisfying 100% of the diagnostic guidelines, they can be sufficiently strong to undermine a marriage and make your life miserable. A person meeting 80% or 90% of those guidelines can be nearly as difficult to live with as one meeting 100%.

Is anyone familiar with cognitive distortion?

Every person on the planet is familiar with cognitive distortions. They occur every time we experience intense feelings because those strong feelings distort our perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. By the time we're in high school, we've experienced these distortions so many hundreds of times that we realize our judgment goes out the window whenever we have intense feelings. That's why, when we get very angry, most of us try to keep our mouths shut -- and our fingers off the keys -- until we have time to cool down. And that's why, when we get very infatuated, we try to wait a year or two before buying the ring.

 

Because BPDers have little control over their emotions, it's not surprising that they experience intense feelings -- and, hence, cognitive distortions -- far more frequently and more intensely than other people. On top of that, their subconscious minds actually create cognitive distortions to protect their fragile egos from seeing too much of reality. This is why BPD (like other personality disorders) is said to be a "thought disorder." And this is why BPDers usually BELIEVE the outrageous accusations coming out of their mouths. And a week later, when they are claiming the exact opposite of what is said today, they will firmly believe it to be true also.

She also said I had staring problems. One of the reason why she couldn't trust me was because I had these apparent staring problems.

Yes, I had the very same "staring problem." Amazingly, that problem immediately went away, however, the day I separated from my BPDer exW. No medication was required. Before leaving her, my staring problems were so bad that, every time she would catch me looking at another woman for a half-second instead of a quarter-second, she would throw a hissy fit and claim I could not be trusted.

 

Similarly, I had a severe "walking problem," wherein I would "show disrespect" for her if -- on a crowded downtown sidewalk -- I somehow got a step or two ahead of her. As with my starting problem, my walking problem was interpreted to mean I was embarrassed to be seen with her and wanted to be with other women.