I am so through

[shankers]

Ive been with my girlfriend for about 1.5 years. Enough is enough however and I think it might soon be time to cut strings with her. I am really upset because (I hate to sound like a classic male) all she does is complain about everything. Most of the problems usually involve other women. She keeps on getting insecure about every single woman ever.

 

E.X. for the last YEAR yes literally the last YEAR she has been complaining about my supposed scandalous behavior on my college campus. She used to go to the same college but graduated. Every single time she says that her friend said to her that I was doing something wrong involving the opposite sex like flirting. I am not going to lie, I have a pretty checkered past with women. However I have NEVER done anything like this while in the relationship. She also doesn't tell me who the friends are who say this. She just brings it up to me and assumes the worst. After we settle the dispute I start to like her a little bit less and its getting annoying. Involving cheating the only things I did was grind with another girl while drunk about a year ago. The reason why I did it was really complicated and involves another back story which inst important atm. I was not sexually attracted to the other woman and it was just a twenty second dance.

 

I just get so fed up. Its like the same fight but a different scenario. I wish she could just say to whoever tells her something about me, "my boyfriend would never do that" and bypass all the drama. But she doesn't. She keeps on investigating and trying to find out who the girls is that I supposedly flirt with. She says she trust me but based on her actions, its seems very clear she doesn't.

 

 

She is a lot of drama and always needs me to comfort her whenever we have a dispute (mostly over small stuff). She doesn't understand that I need time to cool of and think when we argue and she will LITERALLY chase me down just to get me to talk to her even when I say we will talk about it later. Its like she literally cant handle her own emotions. She always expects me to calm her down whenever when we get in disputes. She will say things like "if you calm me down faster, the sooner we will get over an argument".She is a really nice girl, however she can be emotionally hard to deal with. Its like im dating a ten year old sometimes and it sucks. She claims she wants three things love loyalty and respect. How can I give it to her when shes whining about everything (usually it pertains to other women). Its like how can I even respect you if you are making my life miserable. I just don't understand her. Finally, we can never solve past issues because there always seems to be issues at present. They keep on pilling up every time we hangout and we never get to talk about past issues. Im so confused. Can someone help me out here.

[superb]

I.think you need to tell her all of these things you feel and let her know that you're close to walking away.

[shankers]

I have and nothing seems to be working. Btw do you think her behavior is slightly peculiar? For example she literally CANNOT leave me alone for ten minutes if we have an argument. She needs me to comfort her. She says that she got it from her parents. They would always comfort the other no matter how small the problem is. To me I just don't understand why she cant do it herself. I can totally be there for the big things and stuff...but every single time? I think that's a little ridiculous. She needs me to do it and sometimes she wont even let me sleep until I hug and comfort her. Its weird because she is not like this during the week. Whenever we see each other however its like im on babysitting duty and I am relieved when we stop hanging out. In addition to that her long overdue trust issues as well as her ability to keep on repeating past arguments? DO these seem a bit weird?

[superb]

I have and nothing seems to be working. Btw do you think her behavior is slightly peculiar? For example she literally CANNOT leave me alone for ten minutes if we have an argument. She needs me to comfort her. She says that she got it from her parents. They would always comfort the other no matter how small the problem is. To me I just don't understand why she cant do it herself. I can totally be there for the big things and stuff...but every single time? I think that's a little ridiculous. She needs me to do it and sometimes she wont even let me sleep until I hug and comfort her. Its weird because she is not like this during the week. Whenever we see each other however its like im on babysitting duty and I am relieved when we stop hanging out. In addition to that her long overdue trust issues as well as her ability to keep on repeating past arguments? DO these seem a bit weird?

 

Yeah and it sounds like she's a bit spoiled by you. Which is great if you enjoy it but since you don't, you've created a monster.

 

She's needy. Clingy and depends on your approval.

What do you really want to do?

[KatZee]

Needy and clingy as hell.

 

Honestly, I would have walked a year ago. I got a headache just reading this, I would probably stab myself in the face if I was in a relationship like this.

 

And I'm a female.

[LEEVIT2F8]

She is starting fights to get attention. She doesn't want the fight she wants you to cuddle her and tell her she is beautiful more.

 

Next time she starts her stuff tell her you don't believe in arguing and you only believe in love. Then suggest you skip the fight and head straight to the make-up sex.

 

Then after that goes good just suggest each time she wants to fight have the make-up sex first and then if you still feel like talking about it you can.

 

I made two rules when I was a teenager that have served me very well. Never fight over a woman. And never fight with a woman. Skip the no win zone young man!

[theediblewoman]

Ive been with my girlfriend for about 1.5 years. Enough is enough however and I think it might soon be time to cut strings with her. I am really upset because (I hate to sound like a classic male) all she does is complain about everything. Most of the problems usually involve other women. She keeps on getting insecure about every single woman ever.

 

E.X. for the last YEAR yes literally the last YEAR she has been complaining about my supposed scandalous behavior on my college campus. She used to go to the same college but graduated. Every single time she says that her friend said to her that I was doing something wrong involving the opposite sex like flirting. I am not going to lie, I have a pretty checkered past with women. However I have NEVER done anything like this while in the relationship. She also doesn't tell me who the friends are who say this. She just brings it up to me and assumes the worst. After we settle the dispute I start to like her a little bit less and its getting annoying. Involving cheating the only things I did was grind with another girl while drunk about a year ago. The reason why I did it was really complicated and involves another back story which inst important atm. I was not sexually attracted to the other woman and it was just a twenty second dance.

 

I just get so fed up. Its like the same fight but a different scenario. I wish she could just say to whoever tells her something about me, "my boyfriend would never do that" and bypass all the drama. But she doesn't. She keeps on investigating and trying to find out who the girls is that I supposedly flirt with. She says she trust me but based on her actions, its seems very clear she doesn't.

 

 

She is a lot of drama and always needs me to comfort her whenever we have a dispute (mostly over small stuff). She doesn't understand that I need time to cool of and think when we argue and she will LITERALLY chase me down just to get me to talk to her even when I say we will talk about it later. Its like she literally cant handle her own emotions. She always expects me to calm her down whenever when we get in disputes. She will say things like "if you calm me down faster, the sooner we will get over an argument".She is a really nice girl, however she can be emotionally hard to deal with. Its like im dating a ten year old sometimes and it sucks. She claims she wants three things love loyalty and respect. How can I give it to her when shes whining about everything (usually it pertains to other women). Its like how can I even respect you if you are making my life miserable. I just don't understand her. Finally, we can never solve past issues because there always seems to be issues at present. They keep on pilling up every time we hangout and we never get to talk about past issues. Im so confused. Can someone help me out here.

 

 

This girl may very well be clingy/needy, but I jsut find it odd that she's been complaining for a year and that the grinding incident happened a year ago. I know you said it's not important, but maybe (and this is assuming she knows about this incident) her insecurity spreads in part from this incident, she could be wondering if perhaps this was the tip of the cheating iceberg. I also wonder how this unimportant incident was addressed? Did you guys talk it out or did you just label her as crazy/clingy/jealous?

 

Don't mind me,just trying to play devils advocate a bit here. I also think it's really easy to label people, especially woman as "clingy" in order to bypass responsibility for ones inappropriate actions. Obviously, I don't know what transpired,but I know if I heard of my boyfriend grinding up on a girl or saw it, I'd feel pretty disrespected and if on top of that he had kind of a checkered reputation with the ladies I could definitely see myself feeling at least a little bit insecure.

 

Regardless of everything I just said, she clearly doesn't trust you or is just really insecure and you are through with the bull****, so just cut the cord. Save both of you from this drama and torture.

[KatZee]

Don't mind me,just trying to play devils advocate a bit here. I also think it's really easy to label people, especially woman as "clingy" in order to bypass responsibility for ones inappropriate actions.

 

Maybe eliminate the "clingy and needy" aspect and just label here co-dependent then.

 

I can't, for the life of me, say that this girl is so happy in the relationship. Girls who have confidence, self-esteem, and who are secure in themselves would not tolerate their boyfriend of only 5 months going out and grinding on other girls and would take that breach of trust as a sign to end it and move on.

 

This girl decided to stay. She decided to put up with bad behavior. Unfortunately, when someone stays with someone after they have had something bad done to them, it's up to THEM to then get over what was done. Talk it out, forgive their partner, and then MOVE FORWARD.

 

She doesn't have the right to stay with him, accept his apology, forgive him, and then bring this garbage up every. single. freaking. day. Forgiveness doesn't come with strings attached. She doesn't get to say, "Oh, I forgive you, want to stay with you, but I'm going to make your life miserable every single day hereafter."

 

OP She needs to either be with you and act like an adult, or get the hell out of this relationship since clearly she doesn't trust you for anything.

[shinealight]

I have just read your'e other posts and it seems like you guys have been dating and then ending it and then getting back together. Also you keep saying how she acts like a child i will say this you cannot change people they have to change themselves so this girlfriend might not grow out of her attitude. I know someone who acts the same and trust me he is in the same situation as you been with her for 2 years and is depressed because of it and is deciding weather to walk away and i have told him about 100 times do you want to be happy mate or do you want to be stuck where you are and be depressed for the rest of ye life? Like people said tell her how you feel, because these girlfriends/boyfriends who do act like this need to know that they are losing there partners by the way they are acting.

[shankers]

Thank you for the long list of advice. Yes we have been getting back together and breaking up. In addition the whole grinding thing happened because she lead me through a love triangle for about 4 months., Her previous bf went away for the air force and we just hapened. They were on shacky grounds before he left. I got mad because I saw his number in her phone. It really wasnt a bad love triangle it just sucked because I had to wait four months for her. She never flirted with him she just talked to him to give him false hope. She only did it because she could not tell him up front and wanted to wait till he came back. She is not a bad person and I KNOW she never did anything when he came back and they said their final goodbyes because her dad was with her when they did it. Anyway she used that as leverage in the relationship whenever she didn't get her way (that she didnt know who to pick me or him). I understand she was lost and confused and have forgiven her for it. We addressed it many times and I don't normally bring up the kid because im 100% over it. In terms of the checkered past I wasn't a player I just slept with a lot of woman. My mother had passed away which left be quite bitter. I never cheated on any girlfriend before her. yes she knows all of this.

[shankers]

theediblewoman we also talked about it for a VERY long time. For seven months she would not let it go. She pretty much made my life a living hell during that time. I would feel as if she just came over my house or my apartment just to argue and feel sad and deflect all of her negative emotions on me.I was on the short leash. I did yell at her that night because I was drunk (the dancing night). I apologized so many times.

[Poppygoodwill]

Too much drama my friend. Honestly, for someone to fight with you on one hand, then insist you comfort them on the other means she has no conception of your emotions and how her behaviour affects you. From what you write, she's very immature and very insecure. The last one probalby has something to do with your behaviour, but even so....this is too much drama. Life is short. If you're not happy and she's not happy, then what is the point?

[theediblewoman]

theediblewoman we also talked about it for a VERY long time. For seven months she would not let it go. She pretty much made my life a living hell during that time. I would feel as if she just came over my house or my apartment just to argue and feel sad and deflect all of her negative emotions on me.I was on the short leash. I did yell at her that night because I was drunk (the dancing night). I apologized so many times.

 

Yeah,in which case she does sound kind of like a nut job. It sounds like this relationship is pretty toxic to you and to her, definitely time to walk away.

[Downtown]

Im so confused. Can someone help me out here.

Shankers, as I tried to explain last November, you are describing the classic warning signs of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. See my post at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/438883-should-i-date-my-ex#post5330262.

 

As to your feeling "so confused," consider yourself very lucky if you've spent 18 months dating a woman with strong BPD symptoms. Most partners in a BPDer relationship are so confused by the rapid flips between being adored and being devalued that they start feeling like they may be losing their minds. Indeed, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy.

[shankers]

I know that BPD has a HUGE range. so many women have been diagnosed with it even though they are not. In addition she has never wanted self harm or the binge sprees. I dont think she has BPD, she just acts like a child. Finally its not up to me or you to diagnose her. Im not being reluctant just truthfull.

[shankers]

Although I cannot argue with the going crazy part....

[Downtown]

She has never wanted self harm or the binge sprees.

To be diagnosed as having BPD, a person only has to exhibit 5 of the 9 BPD traits. BPD therefore cannot be ruled out because a person lacks one of the traits like self harming. On the contrary, the vast majority of BPDers are high functioning people who NEVER do self harming. Generally, it is seen only in low functioning BPDers.

 

As to her not doing "binge sprees," there is no BPD trait called that. Rather, the trait you likely are referring to is called "Impulsiveness" and the examples given in the diagnostic manual include "spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating." Significantly, those are only examples. At issue, then, is not whether your exGF does "binge sprees" or reckless driving but, rather, whether she exhibits the BPD trait of being impulsive.

 

I cannot know the answer to that question because I've never met her. I can only say that you describe her has having so little control of her own emotions -- and so lacking in impulse control -- that she cannot even calm herself down. Specifically, you say above that "She always expects me to calm her down whenever when we get in disputes." Similarly, in your 10/7 post, you describe her as having so little impulse control that "EVERY time we have an argument. she always barricades a door (with her own body) or doesn't leave my car."

 

Likewise, in your 11/10 post, you describe her as so impulsive that, almost on a whim, she will terminate your relationship and then, just as quickly, start it up all over again. Specifically, you said "this is like the 60th time we have broken up." I mention this because it is common for BPDers (those having strong traits) to be so impulsive that they will go through many cycles of break-up and reconciliation before finally ending the relationship. A recent survey of BPDfamily members, for example, found that a third of the BPDer relationships went through at least 6 break-up/reconcile cycles before ending -- and a fourth of them went through 10 or more such cycles before ending.

I know that BPD has a HUGE range.

Yes, absolutely. That's why my 11/10 post states:

I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your Ex exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she has most BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you are capable of spotting any red flags that exist if you take time to learn the warning signs.

So many women have been diagnosed with it even though they are not.

Actually, it is widely known that BPD is grossly under-diagnosed, not over-diagnosed. A 2011 BPD article in JAMA Psych., for example, concludes that "the diagnosis is underused...." See the "Comments" section at JAMA Network | JAMA Psychiatry | Ten-Year Course of Borderline Personality Disorder: *Psychopathology and Function From the Collaborative Longitudinal Personality Disorders Study.

Its not up to me or you to diagnose her.

True but nobody has encouraged you to do a diagnosis. On the contrary, I stated in my 11/10 post that,

Of course, you cannot determine whether your Ex's BPD traits are

so

severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals can make a diagnosis. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD. There is nothing subtle about strong occurrences of traits such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, and temper tantrums.

Hence, my posts above and in your November thread have nothing to do with diagnosis. Instead, they have everything to do with spotting warning signs. Toward that end, hundreds of hospitals and medical centers are providing this information on their Internet sites in an effort to educate the general public about BPD and other mental disorders. They don't do so to encourage folks to diagnose their loved ones. Rather, they do it for the very same reason they provide information about the symptoms for heart disease and breast cancer. They know that, when people know the symptoms for a disease or disorder, they are far more likely to seek professional help -- and more likely to do so quickly.

[pie2]

I know that BPD has a HUGE range. so many women have been diagnosed with it even though they are not. In addition she has never wanted self harm or the binge sprees. I dont think she has BPD, she just acts like a child. Finally its not up to me or you to diagnose her. Im not being reluctant just truthfull.

 

 

 

So true! Thank you shankers for this. It's so common to see people wanting to diagnose others with serious mental health conditions, even when they don't know the first thing about the person, probably aren't mental health professionals, and it is really inconsequential as the person in question isn't even making the post.

 

 

Again, thank you.

 

 

Hope you're able to get to the bottom of your role in this relationship, which seems to be causing you distress. For one reason or another you've stuck around with this girl. Are you hoping she'll change? If any change is going to happen, she's going to have to want it for herself. However, I can only offer you a small piece of advice, and that is the power of positive reinforcement.

 

 

She seems to crave attention. So make sure you give her positive attention when she deserves it. When she gives you even a modicum of space, make sure you let her know how much you appreciate it, appreciate her, etc. etc. People almost always respond well to positive praise.

[OhThatGirl]

Downtown. I see you have a habit of suggesting posters' significant others have BPD. Or at least wanting them to consider it and maybe place their significant other on the "spectrum" of BPD.

 

Let me just say... Breakup forums are a great place for seeing things that can be misinterpreted as BPD characterstics. We have ONE individuals side of the story, a lot of emotions involved, and the dramatic interactions of a relationship gone bad. Remember that we "rewrite" our relationships when we are in the process of breaking up. We give biased accounts of what WE feel happened during the relationship. While I know many will say "yes this makes so much sense!!" it can be quite harmful to start bringing in personality disorders to explain behaviors instead of looking at what is simply just human nature and taking responsibility for our own roles.

 

It makes me cringe when I see you present BPD or other mental health issues as an explanation for someone's actions when you have not had an unbiased account of their true behavior. It's why psychologists rapidly lose credibility when they go on TV and make a statement about a public figure that they have had NO interaction with. It's unfair to both the poster and the other person and though I know this is a big topic you've researched extensively I would caution you on suggesting BPD may be the case when chances are, it's not.

 

In other words, stop trying to give everyone a diagnosis! If so many people meet the criteria for being on the "spectrum" then it's not necessarily a disease.. It's just how people are!

 

This guy came for some insight about his situation and not to have his girlfriend labeled. Let's give him what he asks for.

 

To the OP: If you've talked to her about it numerous times and she's unwilling to change her habits, it may be time to let her go. The immediate need for reassurance and "support" screams inability to manage her emotions. The accusations that come by way of a mysterious "friend" sound like she is creating conflict so you're forced to show her how much you care and that you aren't doing anything wrong. She's rewarded every time she does this so she keeps doing it.

 

Let's chalk this up to immaturity and insecurity. You should set some boundaries, tell her you will not validate bullsh*t claims by reassuring her, tell her she needs to be secure with your need to cool off after a disagreement (though if you tell her you will come back to talk about it, make sure you do), and if these things are too much you will have to end it.

 

You're right. Enough is enough.

Edited February 14, 2014 by OhThatGirl

[Downtown]

Downtown. I see you have a habit of suggesting posters' significant others have BPD.

No, OTG, I've never told any posters that their partners "have BPD." On the contrary, I've said that I cannot diagnose their partners. I have only told posters that some behaviors they describe are on the list of warning signs (i.e., symptoms) for BPD. If a poster says his partner has a strong fear of abandonment, for example, it is a simple fact that this symptom is listed as a trait for BPD.

It can be quite harmful to start bringing in personality disorders to explain behaviors....

Hundreds of the leading hospitals and mental health centers disagree with you, OTG. They are providing this information on their Internet sites in an effort to educate the general public about BPD and other mental disorders. They don't do so to encourage folks to diagnose their loved ones. Rather, they do it for the very same reason they provide information about the symptoms for heart disease and breast cancer. They know that, when people know the symptoms for a disease or disorder, they are far more likely to seek professional help -- and are more likely to do so quickly. I will mention only three examples:

The Mayo Clinic

disagrees with you. It posts information about BPD traits for the lay public to read at

Borderline personality disorder: Symptoms - MayoClinic.com

.

 

The National Institute of Mental Health

disagrees with you. NIMH provides this BPD information to the lay public at

NIMH · Borderline Personality Disorder

.

 

The U.S. House of Representatives

-- yes, the one that can't agree on anything -- disagrees with you. It unanimously passed a resolution in April 2008 declaring the month of May to be Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month

"...as a means of educating our nation about this disorder, the needs of those suffering from it, and its consequences"

(p. 2 of

H

.

R

. 1005).

It can be quite harmful to start bringing in personality disorders to explain behaviors instead of looking at what is simply just human nature....

Personality disorders ARE "simply just human nature." A PD like BPD is simply a group of behavioral traits that everyone exhibits to some degree. In our early childhood, we all behave like BPDers 24/7. And, during our early teens, most of us start behaving that way again when the hormones surge. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder." It is something we all have to varying degrees. For this reason, the committee that revised the APA's diagnostic manual last year recommended that the dichotomous methodology for diagnosing BPD (where one "has" or "does not have" it) be fully replaced with a graduated graduated methodology (e.g., normal, moderate, or strong) that makes it clear BPD traits apply to everyone.

If so many people meet the criteria for being on the "spectrum" then it's not necessarily a disease.. It's just how people are!

Exactly! In the medical field, the term "disorder" implies the patient has a disease. In the field of psychology, however, the term "personality disorder" does NOT imply disease. Indeed, the psychiatric community does not believe BPD and other PDs are caused by a disease. Rather, BPD is simply defined to be a "syndrome," i.e., a group of behavioral traits that cause dysfunctional behavior when they are too strong. This is why BPD cannot be "cured." There simply is no disease to cure.

This guy came for some insight about his situation and not to have his girlfriend labeled. Let's give him what he asks for.

If Shankers restricts himself to looking only at individual traits (e.g., abusive), he won't get much insight into his exGF's behavior. Yet, if he looks at her dysfunctional traits as a group and finds a well-known pattern, his insight will increase a hundredfold. I therefore suggested last November that Shankers "...read about BPD warning signs to see if most of those red flags sound very familiar." If they do and he is ever tempted to take her back, my advice would be to see a psychologist to obtain a candid professional opinion on what he's been dealing with.

To the OP: ...The immediate need for reassurance and "support" screams inability to manage her emotions.

A large segment of the psychiatric community has been lobbying for two decades to change the name of BPD to "Emotional Regulation Disorder" because the key defining trait for BPD is, as you say, the "inability to manage her emotions." The term used in DSM-5 for that symptom is "affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood." This trait is consistent with Shankers' complaint that his exGF was unable to calm herself down in arguments and thus always depended on him to do it for her.

It makes me cringe when I see you present BPD or other mental health issues as an explanation for someone's actions when you have not had an unbiased account of their true behavior.

What amazes me is that, based solely on Shankers' biased account, you conclude it "screams inability to manage her emotions" -- and then you "cringe" when I make the factual observation that this inability is one of the nine defining traits for BPD.

[ChessPieceFace]

Im so confused.

 

You're not confused. You're in denial that she's a pain, and that your relationship isn't working.

 

Sucks that you've cheated in the past. Sounds like her friends are part of the problem. I would just sit her down and explain to her very clearly that you haven't cheated, you're not going to cheat, that her friends are giving her bad advice and that her suspicion is in danger of destroying your relationship. If she doesn't change, then do what you have to do.

[Emilia]

A large segment of the psychiatric community has been lobbying for two decades to change the name of BPD to "Emotional Regulation Disorder" because the key defining trait for BPD is, as you say, the "inability to manage her emotions." The term used in DSM-5 for that symptom is "affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood." This trait is consistent with Shankers' complaint that his exGF was unable to calm herself down in arguments and thus always depended on him to do it for her.

 

That would be the most appropriate term.

[Haydn]

Shankers i have total empathy. Your plight is so familiar to mine 8 months ago or so. The constant carping, being critical, the endless jealousy. The mind numbing frustration of not being able to communicate in a logical way with them. If you have the time or the inclination then dig up my original thread. I think you are doing a better job than i ever did.

 

But i do believe there is some personality issue here, whether BPD or something else. I wouldn`t dream of telling you how you should proceed but when i first came to this forum it was Downtown who reached out a put a lot of things in perspective for me.

 

The cycle of breaking up and going back is all to familiar to me. I hope you can resolve this. Take care.

[Haydn]

Its called advice and people can take it or leave it. Or take some of it.

 

If it makes you cringe then why respond?

 

Downtown offered advice to me when i first came here and i was grateful.

 

 

 

 

Downtown. I see you have a habit of suggesting posters' significant others have BPD. Or at least wanting them to consider it and maybe place their significant other on the "spectrum" of BPD.

 

Let me just say... Breakup forums are a great place for seeing things that can be misinterpreted as BPD characterstics. We have ONE individuals side of the story, a lot of emotions involved, and the dramatic interactions of a relationship gone bad. Remember that we "rewrite" our relationships when we are in the process of breaking up. We give biased accounts of what WE feel happened during the relationship. While I know many will say "yes this makes so much sense!!" it can be quite harmful to start bringing in personality disorders to explain behaviors instead of looking at what is simply just human nature and taking responsibility for our own roles.

 

It makes me cringe when I see you present BPD or other mental health issues as an explanation for someone's actions when you have not had an unbiased account of their true behavior. It's why psychologists rapidly lose credibility when they go on TV and make a statement about a public figure that they have had NO interaction with. It's unfair to both the poster and the other person and though I know this is a big topic you've researched extensively I would caution you on suggesting BPD may be the case when chances are, it's not.

 

In other words, stop trying to give everyone a diagnosis! If so many people meet the criteria for being on the "spectrum" then it's not necessarily a disease.. It's just how people are!

 

This guy came for some insight about his situation and not to have his girlfriend labeled. Let's give him what he asks for.

 

To the OP: If you've talked to her about it numerous times and she's unwilling to change her habits, it may be time to let her go. The immediate need for reassurance and "support" screams inability to manage her emotions. The accusations that come by way of a mysterious "friend" sound like she is creating conflict so you're forced to show her how much you care and that you aren't doing anything wrong. She's rewarded every time she does this so she keeps doing it.

 

Let's chalk this up to immaturity and insecurity. You should set some boundaries, tell her you will not validate bullsh*t claims by reassuring her, tell her she needs to be secure with your need to cool off after a disagreement (though if you tell her you will come back to talk about it, make sure you do), and if these things are too much you will have to end it.

 

You're right. Enough is enough.

[shankers]

holy crap I just read you post...im scarred ****less