Why does my humor offend women?

[barbossa]

Your joke reminds me of the advice in that book for guys about how to get really gorgeous women to go out with you...I can't remember what it's called, but it made the rounds a few years ago.

 

Basically the strategy is to put them down and ignore them in front of other people, with the theory that this will make you intriguing and interesting because they're so used to having men fawn over them.

 

Your joke was at her expense, which was presumptous of you upon a first meeting. You'll have to accept that it's your type of humour and some people will think you're a jerk because of it.

 

this was actually the 2nd time we spoke. but we run in different circles.

 

You dont like my joke? fine. why gossip about me with all your friends? I wasn't hitting on her, i didnt ask for her number. I was just trying to be funny.

 

i made 3 other girls laugh but this girl got all emo on me. Something I totally did not expect over a joke on myself

[Barbarossa]

this was actually the 2nd time we spoke. but we run in different circles.

 

You dont like my joke? fine. why gossip about me with all your friends? I wasn't hitting on her, i didnt ask for her number. I was just trying to be funny.

 

i made 3 other girls laugh but this girl got all emo on me. Something I totally did not expect over a joke on myself

 

I would not sweat it the girl is probably just too serious. I would keep using humor with people forget this girl.

[Trimmer]

this was actually the 2nd time we spoke. but we run in different circles.

 

You dont like my joke? fine. why gossip about me with all your friends? I wasn't hitting on her, i didnt ask for her number. I was just trying to be funny.

 

i made 3 other girls laugh but this girl got all emo on me. Something I totally did not expect over a joke on myself

Jesus, you're sure making a lot of assumptions here. All you know for sure is that she spoke to ONE person about it (maybe more, but you can't know that.) And you don't know what she said - maybe all she said was that you had a weird sense of humor (which it sounds like you do, and you don't mind that...), and maybe that person interpreted that to be that she was offended.

 

And "got all emo on me"? You mad, bro? Why so butthurt? You're going to take chances by pulling people you don't even know into your jokes and making them throwaway props, and then YOU are the one getting offended and butthurt.

 

If you expect her to let herself be used as a prop in your joke and walk away and not get offended about something you said, why are you so wrapped up and getting so offended about something she said. Seems like you started the ball rolling here.

[gaius]

I agree with this. Putting words in her mouth, for the benefit of your joke. That's making her an accomplice when you don't even know her yet: presumptuous.

 

And whether you think you were poking fun at yourself or not, the fact is that for the purpose of your joke, you made her a throwaway prop: you used her - and the joke didn't particularly put her in a good light - and then you discarded her.

 

And for all the people who say 'people are too easily offended', you have to grant that she obviously didn't react and throw a shxt-fit right on the scene, did she? As a matter of fact, she kept it quiet enough so the OP didn't even realize he'd offended her in the moment, did he? Having said that, she's entitled to her feelings - you can't say "she shouldn't be offended" - the question is, how did she react, and she just let it go by. How much more can you ask of a person?

 

Finally, as to why she "gossiped" about it? All we know is that she shared it with ONE person (maybe more, but we can only be sure it was one), and it must have been that person who gossiped about it.

 

So I don't fault the woman for "being offended". It obviously wasn't too bad because she didn't react at the time, and it was someone else who had to come tell the OP about it, so...

She probably felt the need to rebut what he said and do damage control. And the three other girls that laughed might have been secretly annoyed as well, he just didn't hear about it. I've seen plenty of women laugh at stuff they didn't find all that funny because that's what they're supposed to do when you meet someone new who's telling a joke, out of politeness.

 

I know a lot of women here are trying to be nice but what you did is one of those sins there's no "right" woman for. They will all get turned off by it. There was some pretty decent looking bodybuilder on the board for a while who couldn't keep a woman for 5 minutes. When he started sucking up to other guys on the board it was obvious why.

[Iguanna]

Why do you even bother with people who can't appreciate your type of humor? It's a great way I use to filter people, if I tell a joke (even if it's stupid) and someone I'm interested in or find interesting in general (male or female) doesn't laugh or show they understand the joke, I simply stop being interested. If someone doesn't laugh with my jokes (which are a big part of my personality), they won't tolerate me and I won't like them anyway.

[KatZee]

I don't quite get it. It wasn't really self deprecation, which a lot of people use. You basically told her her opinion was worthless (I know she never actually gave it).

 

It just comes across as weird, sorry. You kinda implied that you're gay, LOL!

 

Yep I thought the same thing LOL. You basically told this guy that her opinion of you meant nothing and then you pretty much were hitting on this guy and admitted you were gay.

 

I think your jokes need fine tuning. In the meantime, keep that day job.

[iris219]

Many people take offense to gay jokes.

 

You have to really know your audience before making those types of jokes.

[StanMusial]

I understand that, but why gossip about and make a big deal over bad joke?

 

It's hard to say without actually being there. Just reading your post, with the picture I got in my mind's eye, I don't know if it was so much that she was "offended" as maybe she thought you were weird. So it could be after that episode, to her you became that weird, awkward guy that kept staring at her. I could see a girl talking to people about it.

 

I joke around all the time. You just have to know your audience is all.

[barbossa]

Jesus, you're sure making a lot of assumptions here. All you know for sure is that she spoke to ONE person about it (maybe more, but you can't know that.) And you don't know what she said - maybe all she said was that you had a weird sense of humor (which it sounds like you do, and you don't mind that...), and maybe that person interpreted that to be that she was offended.

 

And "got all emo on me"? You mad, bro? Why so butthurt? You're going to take chances by pulling people you don't even know into your jokes and making them throwaway props, and then YOU are the one getting offended and butthurt.

 

If you expect her to let herself be used as a prop in your joke and walk away and not get offended about something you said, why are you so wrapped up and getting so offended about something she said. Seems like you started the ball rolling here.

 

Clearly she made a big deal out of it otherwise so many people would not have heard about it and talked about it.

 

someone pulled me to the side and told me she was offended.

 

Someone same function said " Dude you are so ****ing tall"

 

I didn't go telling every person omg they used the word F and me in same sentence. How dare they.

[barbossa]

what men make such a joke about another men looks to impress a girl/?

i can only think that you are gay and try to use the girl as a excuse to cover it up

because if its to impress a girl it should be about you and her. without other men involved.

 

beside why do you want to be funny al the time?

do you want to hide something else?

be yourself. if making jokes is not your thing dont do it.

 

and people laugh also when they find it to harsh or stupid.

so i think that is why she was laughing.

you need to stop the jokes and start being yourself.

and let your jokes come from a happy feeling and not a most do or have to or

putting whatever person down. that's not natural.

 

you can break the ice also with a positive comment about the weather etc.

dont have to be a tasteless joke.

 

 

i start a huge fuss on LS about how rude you are? If i did that would you think i was too emotional or too serious or that you shouldn't be rude all time?

 

And if someone told you about me taking offense? How would you take it?

[barbossa]

It's hard to say without actually being there. Just reading your post, with the picture I got in my mind's eye, I don't know if it was so much that she was "offended" as maybe she thought you were weird. So it could be after that episode, to her you became that weird, awkward guy that kept staring at her. I could see a girl talking to people about it.

 

I joke around all the time. You just have to know your audience is all.

 

This is true, I would not have made the comment had i Known the result. once the joke was over we talked to new people.

 

Most females ( not all say I am funny) some laugh some think I am weird ok fine. I cant please everyone.

 

you weren't friends with everyone in your high school, college, work place right? Not everyone will like you

 

Not everyone is a fan of Oprah right?

 

I certainly dont expect all females to like me or think I am the funniest person.

 

She did not find it funny. Ok great. move on .

[barbossa]

Yep I thought the same thing LOL. You basically told this guy that her opinion of you meant nothing and then you pretty much were hitting on this guy and admitted you were gay.

 

I think your jokes need fine tuning. In the meantime, keep that day job.

 

Better than her to think I was hitting on her.

 

What did the guy do? laugh it off, say i was good looking too. end of story.

 

Why didn't he go around saying that guy just hit on me ....

 

It was a bad joke. Ok. I accept it. that should be end of story.

[Trimmer]

Better than her to think I was hitting on her.

 

What did the guy do? laugh it off, say i was good looking too. end of story.

 

Why didn't he go around saying that guy just hit on me ....

 

It was a bad joke. Ok. I accept it. that should be end of story.

... and yet, here you are, on LS asking "Why, why.... Why did she do it!!! What is it about my sense of humor? What is going on???" (where's the emoticon for wringing hands and gnashing teeth?)

 

You took a risk and it turns out that her reaction is not under your control. Either try to understand it, or else accept it. That should be end of story.

[barbossa]

... and yet, here you are, on LS asking "Why, why.... Why did she do it!!! What is it about my sense of humor? What is going on???" (where's the emoticon for wringing hands and gnashing teeth?)

 

You took a risk and it turns out that her reaction is not under your control. Either try to understand it, or else accept it. That should be end of story.

 

weird maybe

 

gay? meh im ok with that

[Trimmer]

i just wanted to know if i was in the wrong

 

weird maybe

 

gay? meh im ok with that

I don't know if I'd characterize that situation in terms of whether you were right or wrong. You were you. That's your sense of humor, and even though I've given you some grief here, I still support your right to have your own, individual, quirky sense of humor.

 

But a consequence of that is that it might rub someone the wrong way, whether she "just" thought you were weird, or whether we call it "offended," or whether she just felt like she wanted to verbally distance herself from you, she wasn't playing along. And we've tried to explain to you how she might have been reacting so you could understand that.

 

But I will point out that as much as you have been here trying to figure out if you were "in the right", you have spent at least equal energy arguing why she was wrong, and with that I don't agree. Some have implied (at least one poster said it straight out) that she's "too serious." Well, no. She gets to own her reaction to the joking. She may be serious; she may be too serious for you; these are all reasonable characterizations, but she's not just plain too serious, as if it's a character flaw of hers that prevented her from enjoying your joke.

 

It's OK for you to have a quirky and odd sense of humor if you find that this works for you in the big picture. And the joy when you find people with whom that sense of humor clicks may well be worth it - I totally understand that!

 

But realize that this may not resonate with everybody. If it's important to you that everybody enjoys you, then modify your sense of humor to achieve that goal. On the other hand, if you want to be true to who you are and your personal sense of humor, then more power to you, but realize that you will sometimes find folks who will take a step away. And please also realize that it's not because they are "too serious" as some kind of a character-flaw. Sometimes it just doesn't click, and so you move on.

Edited February 14, 2014 by Trimmer

[blueskyday]

For jokes to be funny you have to consider the context of them and your audience. For instance, that joke might have been funny if the guy had been insulting the girl for something that she was wearing. Then your joke would've been sarcastic, as in "oh that means so much coming from you." Cue eye roll toward girl. That would have made it a joke defending her.

 

It's probably best not to joke too much until you know people better. Until then you want to keep the jokes pretty general and completely self-deprecating. Never make a girl look bad in the joke. My mom once told me a joke is only funny if both parties think it's funny!

 

The guy that I am with is always wanting me to kid around with people more. I'm a big kidder but I know that you need to kid with people about things that would not hurt their feelings. I would never kid with one of my best guy friend who's bald for instance. He is sensitive about it. but I can joke with my brother all the time about him being bald

because he's not sensitive about it.

 

Remember that most of our communication is nonverbal, so be sure to smile and cue people that it's a joke. That said, I agree: never make yourself subservient to another male. Unless it's your boss!

 

If you like this girl, simply pull her aside and apologize for the joke. Tell her you were nervous and trying to impress her. If she's a nice woman, she will be flattered and appreciate your humility and sensitivity towards her feelings.

Edited February 14, 2014 by blueskyday

[barbossa]

I don't know if I'd characterize that situation in terms of whether you were right or wrong. You were you. That's your sense of humor, and even though I've given you some grief here, I still support your right to have your own, individual, quirky sense of humor.

 

But a consequence of that is that it might rub someone the wrong way, whether she "just" thought you were weird, or whether we call it "offended," or whether she just felt like she wanted to verbally distance herself from you, she wasn't playing along. And we've tried to explain to you how she might have been reacting so you could understand that.

 

But I will point out that as much as you have been here trying to figure out if you were "in the right", you have spent at least equal energy arguing why she was wrong, and with that I don't agree. Some have implied (at least one poster said it straight out) that she's "too serious." Well, no. She gets to own her reaction to the joking. She may be serious; she may be too serious for you; these are all reasonable characterizations, but she's not just plain too serious, as if it's a character flaw of hers that prevented her from enjoying your joke.

 

It's OK for you to have a quirky and odd sense of humor if you find that this works for you in the big picture. And the joy when you find people with whom that sense of humor clicks may well be worth it - I totally understand that!

 

But realize that this may not resonate with everybody. If it's important to you that everybody enjoys you, then modify your sense of humor to achieve that goal. On the other hand, if you want to be true to who you are and your personal sense of humor, then more power to you, but realize that you will sometimes find folks who will take a step away. And please also realize that it's not because they are "too serious" as some kind of a character-flaw. Sometimes it just doesn't click, and so you move on.

 

Thank you for the concise response

 

I certainly dont expect everyone to think I am funny. and the fact that she didnt I am ok with that.

 

I said the joke spur of the moment.

 

Move on? hell yes.

 

My reason for trying to understand is why she made a big deal out of it to the point somone notified me about the whole thing. Someone i respected at that.

 

I made this thread so I can understand How I can avoid this situation in the future.

 

I will not make those kind of jokes to strangers anymore.

 

I guess there is a time to be serious and a time when you can give a joke. my mistake was bad timing with bad audience

 

Lesson learned

 

Thank you everyone who posted

[barbossa]

For jokes to be funny you have to consider the context of them and your audience. For instance, that joke might have been funny if the guy had been insulting the girl for something that she was wearing. Then your joke would've been sarcastic, as in "oh that means so much coming from you." Cue eye roll toward girl. That would have made it a joke defending her.

 

It's probably best not to joke too much until you know people better. Until then you want to keep the jokes pretty general and completely self-deprecating. Never make a girl look bad in the joke. My mom once told me a joke is only funny if both parties think it's funny!

 

The guy that I am with is always wanting me to kid around with people more. I'm a big kidder but I know that you need to kid with people about things that would not hurt their feelings. I would never kid with one of my best guy friend who's bald for instance. He is sensitive about it. but I can joke with my brother all the time about him being bald

because he's not sensitive about it.

 

Remember that most of our communication is nonverbal, so be sure to smile and cue people that it's a joke. That said, I agree: never make yourself subservient to another male. Unless it's your boss!

 

If you like this girl, simply pull her aside and apologize for the joke. Tell her you were nervous and trying to impress her. If she's a nice woman, she will be flattered and appreciate your humility and sensitivity towards her feelings.

 

You make good points.

 

Thank you