Jllbcb Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) I have not posted here before, so sorry for the length. I am a MM who had an affair in 2012-3 in with a MOW- we had the typical whirlwind rollercoaster affair with a coworker. We were long distance and I fell completely head over heels, ILY's, soulmates were exchanged and we met each other 2-3 X over the year period. In Jan 2013 she told me she wanted to see me, then backed off over the weekend- and I had enough. Kids, Guilt, distance all played a part- she was always incredibly hard to read after the first few months and the push-pull nearly killed me. Loving someone that can not be yours is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever gone thru. We had limited contact then I finally decided in April 2013 I had completely enough -told her I couldn't do it anymore, could not just be friends and went NC. Incredibly difficult- she was my best friend and we literally talked every day- hours a day. We broke NC when I left my current job in Sep 2013- but it was more of the same- she even left the door open for resuming affair but was flaky about it and we just ended after a couple days of talking-we both knew it was the right thing to do but my heart still ached for her... Fast forward to today- I had received an email from one of the hotels we had visited- triggered me big time. And from the moment I got the email I knew I had to contact her. My hands literally shook when I was typing and a huge moment of regret came over me after I sent it over to her. I ended up calling her and we talked and texted today but it was not the same. And never will be. I have never felt more heartbroken, guilty, defeated and resigned in my whole life. The addiction that is an affair is not worth it. The pleasure is incredible and I will always love her- but the end- is just beyond heartbreaking. Has anyone else felt like a meth junkie??- when all of your thoughts are geared towards and centered around this person- I felt this today for the first time in a long time- never have I felt so powerless in a situation..... Edited February 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
wasntlooking Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Omg this sounds like me....will post later when im free but youre def not alone
Gunthar Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Yep. I get it. But for me, she's in a full NC mode. May never resume, but I honestly expect it to. For over a year now, I'm just derailed, obsessed, addicted, etc. pick your hyperbole for missing/loving/wanting someone. Literally, not a day has gone by that I am not preoccupied with her; the gigantic hole I have where she is/was... She knows I'm here waiting, but not desperate. Just living in it. Not mind reading, guessing. I know where it left off and why. Everything else is just trying to maintain, stay sane, pretend you can make sense of it all, when the answer is just to connect again. Best of luck, G 3
Popsicle Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Why was it not the same when you reconnected?
Learningtoletgo Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) Yes!!!!! I think, if you read the posts here, you will see that you are not alone!!!! I think it is totally normal to feel that meth junkie feeling from an affair. It's all the chemicals in the brain etc. My mm and I also went nc; mutual decision for the most part. For me (and I think him) it was mostly because I could feel myself falling for him, and I was so afraid!!!!! And guilt....there was always tremendous guilt for the both of us. Nc for us was also broken after 5 months via an email sent by him to me. I wish I could say I didn't respond, but I did. The emails were harmless because they were through work so we couldn't say anything inappropriate or suggestive. In his most recent email he did suggest us talking on the phone, but that was two weeks ago and we haven't. I don't want to...for all of the reasons you spoke of. First, I have been battling horrible guilt the past few months. For whatever reason, it has gotten worse since the affair. Second, I know it will never be the same. The " innocence" of it is gone. It was fun and " easy" when it first started, but now it's wrapped up in all these scary, wrong, intense feelings. So I know, like you, that nc needs to continue. The reason why I responded to your post though, was not to just empathize but to also say that just because you broke nc, it doesn't mean that all your work is for nothing. Even though it might not feel like it, I bet you will notice that getting over those " junkie " feelings will be a bit easier than it was for you five months ago. Maybe not by much, but even if it is a little bit easier, that shows healing. I know, for me, it hurt after the most recent communication, but not as much as it did when we first started nc. In fact, I have noticed that I am going longer and longer amounts of time where I don't think about him!!!! Now, don't get me wrong, I still trigger. Every time I see a car like his, my heart starts to race and I become anxious and shaky ( junkie feelings)But, I bounce back a bit easier. I can only imagine that it will only get easier and easier as time goes on. The one thing I try to do when I'm feeling real weak is to remind myself that we are both staying away from each other, not because we want to, but because we have to. Even though "it will never be the same" it ended well, and that makes me one of the lucky ones in that respect. If we truly care about our mm/mw's then the best thing we can do is let them go so we don't end up being the reason for breaking up their families and ruing their lives!!!!! You are doing the right thing by resuming nc!!!!! Edited February 13, 2014 by Learningtoletgo Grammar 4
wasntlooking Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 You are so not alone on this and it def is an addiction. Im MW who had a long distance affair with MOM. We met online and talked for three months before we met as i was going through his town on vacation. I had feelings for him before we met obviously but meeting him made me go absolutely head over heels for him. Never though that feeling existed. I do love my H but it was different with XOM. When i got home from that trip i waited four days and emailed him to tell hik i was falling for him and could not have such strong feelings for someone who was not availible. We both mentioned nmerous times we wished that we had met earlier. Our connection was just craziness. Was too good and i got scared. So ive been Nc now for almost five months. There hasnt been a day yet that i dont think about him. Its faded a bit but i dont ever see myself forgetting him. I started NC but i struggle everyday with whether i should contact him. I want to so bad........it hurts. My xom never responded to my break uo email either so that hurts even more. Its left me guessing what he is thinking, whether he is mad or what. I know if i do break NC it will never be the samd and i actually dont want the A again. I just want a response. So i know maintaining Nc is the right thing but i want to ask him so many things. And i still have feelings for him but i just dont act on it. Im def addicted and it scares me too. Im sorry you feel like this but i totally get it. To love someone who you know you csn never have is the worst feeling ive ever felt. I really wish i never met him....in a way....ignorance is bliss. 2
Author Jllbcb Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Popsicle- It just wasn't- she has moved on- I didn't really expect it to be back to what it was but she would physically shut down when I asked her anything resembling a personal question- quick one word answers. When you are used to, and remember how close you were with someone and they shut you down- it feels awful. I'm sure it is just a protection mechanism...
BruisedBNBroken Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Popsicle- It just wasn't- she has moved on- I didn't really expect it to be back to what it was but she would physically shut down when I asked her anything resembling a personal question- quick one word answers. When you are used to, and remember how close you were with someone and they shut you down- it feels awful. I'm sure it is just a protection mechanism... I can almost assure you it's a defense mechanism. My xAP continuously tried to break NC and he got me on the phone the other day after three months of strict no contact. Also said he got an email from a hotel we used to go to and he was thinking about me. As amazing and as painful it was to hear his voice, I totally shut down and kept to short one word answers, not reacting at all, and couldn't wait to get off the phone. Not because I miss him or pine for him any less, but I just can't go back there. The good news - the first few days after I was a blubbering miserable mess, but I think because of the strict NC I already had, I was able to rebound so much quicker. So don't think of it as progress down the drain at all. Think of it as a speed bump in the road to indifference. And yes, it is an addiction. Brain chemicals, fantasy situations, ending while still in the lusty chemical phase - it all contributes. But it's not real life - keep telling yourself that. 4
eloise123 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Why is it not real life? Surely that is for the individual to decide whether it is real life or real love. Sure you can go though loads of sht even in an affair as you can in Real Life as you put it. I call it Love. And I get it. Hard to give up.... love. 1
Popsicle Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) Popsicle- It just wasn't- she has moved on- I didn't really expect it to be back to what it was but she would physically shut down when I asked her anything resembling a personal question- quick one word answers. When you are used to, and remember how close you were with someone and they shut you down- it feels awful. I'm sure it is just a protection mechanism... Yeah it probably is. That's too bad I'm so sorry. 4 months of NC now for me. I would give anything to hear his voice or get a message from him now, but I know it's for the best that he doesn't. Edited February 13, 2014 by Popsicle 4
Author Jllbcb Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Yeah it probably is. That's too bad I'm so sorry. 4 months of NC now for me. I would give anything to hear his voice or get a message from him now, but I know it's for the best that he doesn't. I will bet you money that you hear from him- I would guess in the next 2-3 months...
Popsicle Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I will bet you money that you hear from him- I would guess in the next 2-3 months... Ok we have a bet. 1
RickFox Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Popsicle- It just wasn't- she has moved on- I didn't really expect it to be back to what it was but she would physically shut down when I asked her anything resembling a personal question- quick one word answers. When you are used to, and remember how close you were with someone and they shut you down- it feels awful. I'm sure it is just a protection mechanism... Been there done that bought the t-shirt. Yes it's a protective mechanism. 1
Author Jllbcb Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Popsicle- It just wasn't- she has moved on- I didn't really expect it to be back to what it was but she would physically shut down when I asked her anything resembling a personal question- quick one word answers. When you are used to, and remember how close you were with someone and they shut you down- it feels awful. I'm sure it is just a protection mechanism... She also has gone on With her life and is blissfully happy and this drives Me nuts. She told me she loved me several times Over a long period of time. I'm sure she still feels something But she surpresses, denies and ignores. Just Feel like she got off Scott free emotionally. And I am Still a mess, in therapy, etc.
RickFox Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 I still feel like this at times and it comes out of nowhere and slaps the crap out of me. Thing is, you really don't know what's going on in her life. How unhappy she may be or happy she is. I baited my xmw by leaving a clue on my profile page and after two years she responded almost immediately.....why....after two years of ignoring me, looking past me, why respond.....even after her saying she missed our communication she began to shut me out once again and after seven days of not hearing from her I walked off. She did what she did and trying to figure out why would only drive me further nuts. I stay away from her now and apart as cold to her as she does to me.....and I'm sure a few days out of the week she could care less about me. Just have a plan for when she reaches out.....it'll happen when you least expect it, maybe years down the line 1
Popsicle Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 ....even after her saying she missed our communication she began to shut me out once again and after seven days of not hearing from her I walked off. I know you don't mean "walked off " literally, I'm guessing you mean you stopped sending her messages?
wasntlooking Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 OP, im considering breakinv my NC i started with xMm five months ago. The reason is that when i broke it off he did not respond to it. Ive heard nothing. I want to tell him how f'd up it was to not respond especially since we both mutuallg were in this and he pushed me more than i pushed him. I believe i desrved a goodbye. Im prepared to hear nothing back in return again and thats ok. I just need to know. So i know youre going to say dont do it but really, i dont want the A anymore, im pretty confidemt about that.
Author Jllbcb Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 OP, im considering breakinv my NC i started with xMm five months ago. The reason is that when i broke it off he did not respond to it. Ive heard nothing. I want to tell him how f'd up it was to not respond especially since we both mutuallg were in this and he pushed me more than i pushed him. I believe i desrved a goodbye. Im prepared to hear nothing back in return again and thats ok. I just need to know. So i know youre going to say dont do it but really, i dont want the A anymore, im pretty confidemt about that. I'm assuming you broke NC?
herself Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Jll do u think its fair statement that all mom miss their xap as you did yours? Somehow your story gives me great comfort knowing he misses me as much as I miss him. One of the last things he said to me as he was doing 180's -I can no longer be your friend (after an argument of me questioning his 5 days of silence out of the blue) -next few weeks later, merry xmas, happy bday -next (after I questioned contact) he says endibg our friendship for good is last thing I want -next, I dont think its possible for us to press the reset button without some time. -next, let me get to a good spot, I hope we can use this time apart wisely. Next is when I finally said a week later, the window is closed, Im walking away. Paraphrasing as my email was quite emotional & mentioned I had been broken & would seem counseling. That was my last email and no contact now for over 40 some days. I just cant imagine no feiendship forever now. My heart aches we were friends for 13 yrs. An AE only no physical beyond hugs.
wasntlooking Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 No i did not break NC as of today but i struggle with it everyday and try to just get through one day at a time without doing it but the urge never seems to get better. I feel like i need closure from him, not sure why. Even if he said nothing again in return, i would take that as an answer. 1
MorbidFever Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Yes definitely! And I get the whole 'it wasn't the same' feeling. Even though MOM has broken NC and I responded, I felt like he really wasn't there anymore. I'm not sure why he even bothered. To tell me he misses me and thinks of me day and night, constantly and re-lives everything? Why? Only to then say after I responded, to keep smiling and one day he will be able to talk to me again. LOL! Mmmmmkay! It does get better. It is an addiction. And it's harder when you have an addictive personality (which I very much do). I binge on alcohol and seem to do it with love as well. It's the high we are after and when it's gone, we feel lost and have withdrawals. The secrecy of an affair makes it that more intense. It's not like normal dating. You don't go out on a date and figure out if you like someone or not or go over the pros and cons of the person and what they are about. You 100% WANT, adore, lust and love your affair partner without any conditions. The chase, the fantasies, and having them all play out in a very real way is so addicting. I've done things I would never in a billion years ask some other guy to engage in..they would run for the hills. But, MOM and I connected that way and it was just a free for all in every way imaginable. Addicting! BUT!~ there is light at the end. And this is why I know the whole chase and flirting is addictive. I'm going through it now with a single guy. I've had many men try to take me out or talk to me and I was starting to think I would never move on, because I was NOT INTERESTED. AT ALL. I'm pretty sure this is probably just a rebound, and unfortunately he is another musician (and 12 years younger than me), however, it's a definite fire and I'm going to just enjoy it, and not think of anything long-term. It's not what I want. I think a rebound is better than the thousands spent on therapy and drowning in anti-depressant meds. Hang in there, hun!
RickFox Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I know you don't mean "walked off " literally, I'm guessing you mean you stopped sending her messages? Yes, exactly, aside from me leaving the clue for her and her responding, the rest of the time it was me who would initate the conversation and at times, probably way too many times, I would respond immediately while she would take her sweet time in responding to me and often it was a one word answer. How could I believe her when she said "I missed this" when she showed no signs of really being into the conversation so I decided to see if she would initiate and after seven days, she didn't, not one word, nothing and I realized that I was an idiot, not just for the A, but for even reaching out.... I will never know what she did/doesn't/hasn't felt and it can no longer matter and that is something I tell myself way too much, but it keeps me on track and I don't take kindly to being made a fool of, much less when Im the one who made me look like a fool...sooo, never again. 2
RickFox Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 No i did not break NC as of today but i struggle with it everyday and try to just get through one day at a time without doing it but the urge never seems to get better. I feel like i need closure from him, not sure why. Even if he said nothing again in return, i would take that as an answer. Stop lying to yourself, if he said nothing it would not be an answer, it would beg more questions, cause more heartache, and you would not be satisfied. I know because I said THE EXACT SAME THING. I was told by many folks here when I got here that sometimes closure must come from within..... in this case I believe it to be true. You need to close it. Your answer that you seek, is given by his silence, his back turned to you. That is your closure, that is the finality, yes what you had meant the world to you, but to you..... that is where it must stay.... harden your heart and remember how it stopped, use that as fuel for the fire. If you reach out, I guarantee more heartache and more questions you wish to be answered.... you want that acknowledgement, we all want it, that we mattered, but we didn't matter enough and you must accept that. Embrace it, live it. You cannot move forward if you keep looking back. 3
wasntlooking Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Rick fox You are right. Talking here helps me stay NC so sometimes i feel redundant in what i say but i hope one day i will not feel the need to do this anymore. But as far as he knows, im doing just fine and he thinks i turned my back on him right? He has no clue whats going on with me and thats one of the reasons i really try to stay NC so he thinks im ok when im really a hot mess 2
Author Jllbcb Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 Jll do u think its fair statement that all mom miss their xap as you did yours? Somehow your story gives me great comfort knowing he misses me as much as I miss him. One of the last things he said to me as he was doing 180's -I can no longer be your friend (after an argument of me questioning his 5 days of silence out of the blue) -next few weeks later, merry xmas, happy bday -next (after I questioned contact) he says endibg our friendship for good is last thing I want -next, I dont think its possible for us to press the reset button without some time. -next, let me get to a good spot, I hope we can use this time apart wisely. Next is when I finally said a week later, the window is closed, Im walking away. Paraphrasing as my email was quite emotional & mentioned I had been broken & would seem counseling. That was my last email and no contact now for over 40 some days. I just cant imagine no feiendship forever now. My heart aches we were friends for 13 yrs. An AE only no physical beyond hugs. Herself- I cant honestly say if all XOM miss their XOW or XMOW as much as I do. But your story sounds similar to mine. I know that because she is married Guilt plays havoc with her heart. So there is this constant back and forth, push and pull. And it literally drives the other partner crazy. There is also a lot of stringing along as they change their mind back and forth along the way.... I broke NC AGAIN this week. She tried to connect with me over Linked In... I texted her and there were two or three short texts where she barely responded. I then looked and she had actually looked at my profile twice in the last few days. My suggestion- NC works. I know because I have broken it and just feels awful. I read on here one time "no new contact is no new pain". And it is true. The brief conversation we had last week- she treated me as a stranger, referenced people who were very close in both our lives as though I wouldn't have a clue as to who they are, and is going to NAPA (a place we talked about going together) this summer for her friends 40th.Do I Wish I didn't know that- absolutely... My plan is to go back to NC forever- as painful as it is...Believe me I know your pain...fight through it! Good luck!
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