My story of Recovery

[TheyCallMeOx]

Before I met my ex-girlfriend, I was going through some kind of identity crisis. I didn't see myself having a future and I thought that my life was going nowhere. I didn't consider myself depressed -- however, I often had thoughts of suicide. During the time, I was working at a grocery store in the meat department. I'd often stand around and look at attractive women pass by. Sometimes, when I was behind the meat counter, I'd have an erection that you couldn't see because of my large coat that we use to cut meat. At night, when customers are at home eating dinner, I'd stand around and think about what it's like to be in love. I got pretty lonely to the point that I've a reached a peak in my life where I decided when I was going to kill myself if my life didn't improve.

 

I started saving up money in my savings account because I was planning on driving around the United States, experiencing the world, meeting new people, and when I was about to run out of money...I planned on driving off a cliff. The very thought excited me because it was the only thing in my life that I was actually looking forward to.

 

After a while, I decided to get hooked up with a gym membership and I started working out. I was doing pretty good, starting feeling good about myself, but I still wanted to kill myself. I remember one night, two weeks before meeting my ex-girlfriend, I prayed for the first time in a long time and said: "God, I just want to experience love just one time before I die." Two weeks later, I found my ex-girlfriend.

 

I fell in love. Our first date was something I'll never forget. I kissed her that night on our first date, early in the morning, and that drive home...for the first time in a long time, I thought "Ox...everything is going to be okay."

 

I didn't wanna kill myself anymore. Every chance I had, I'd drive over to my ex-girlfriend's place. Sometimes I'd surprise her by pretending I couldn't come over and I'd see her at work or something. I never got the opportunity to really save up money because all my money was spent on gas, and we were always doing something. I took her out on dates as much as I could've and I really wanted to make a good impression on her life. She had ex-boyfriends that weren't good boyfriends, and I wanted to be the one that was different than all the rest.

 

I wanted to be the boyfriend she'd never forget. I tried being a good boyfriend, but it was for all the wrong reasons. She meant everything to me: she gave me value in my life, purpose, and she was the only beautiful thing that I considered in this world. She rocked my life, tore my defenses down like it was a stick of butter, and I knew that she was the one. I felt that no matter what happened in my life, I would be okay. I finally felt optimistic about my life.

 

As you can imagine, when she broke up with me...I felt like I lost everything. This woman was my reason to live; now that she was gone, I had no more reason. When she broke up with me, I was transferred to a hospital through her campus police because I wanted to commit suicide. When I got there, they asked me some questions and I refused to cooperate. Police officers were drinking coffee and watching me as I cried; that was the first time a random stranger has EVER seen me cry. I spent 7 hours in that hospital sitting around. The last time her and I spoke was on the phone the next morning only because she wanted to make sure that I was okay. That was it.

 

For about 3 days, I cried. When I wasn't crying, I was at the nearest lake, sitting on a pile of rocks, and wondering "what am I going to do?" I was trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. I couldn't eat or sleep because I kept thinking about what my ex was doing: maybe she's having group sex now that she's single, maybe she's found another man in her life already and I'm just like all her other ex-boyfriends. Every time I tried to eat, I'd throw it up. One time, I even drank half a bottle of Nyquil and ended up going to Waffle House till 3 in the morning. Sometimes I'd call off work, sometimes I'd skip class, etc. Why would I have cared about money and education when I didn't have a reason to live anymore?

 

The first step that I had to get over was accepting that she's single. I didn't give a crap about the fact that I was single because I know I wouldn't be doing anything with women, but I was more concerned about what she was doing. More importantly, I had to accept the fact that our relationship was over. There was no more "us." I couldn't just call her up and tell her about my day, there is no more surprise visits to her place, there was no more hugs and kisses. She blocked me from Facebook, she disabled her Tumblr, and did everything to prevent me from trying to contact her. All those 2 and a half years, and now this woman was completely out of my life like I never existed.

 

To make matters worse...my sister was best friends with her. I tried to get information from my sister about my ex, and I started brewing up a hatred towards my sister. How could she be best friends with someone when her brother is in so much pain because of her?!

 

When I accepted the breakup, about three weeks later, I asked myself "what now?" I read 2-3 books, watched several videos about breakups and I started realizing that now that I was accepting the end of the relationship, I had to figure out what went wrong with the relationship. What did I do wrong? What did she do wrong? Why did my ex-girlfriend feel the need to take drastic measures when we didn't even go to couples therapy or anything like that? I felt like she threw in the towel way too early -- like she didn't even try better the relationship.

 

I was asking more questions than I was getting answers.

 

I spent another couple weeks trying to figure out why the relationship ended. Before work, I'd sit in my car for about 30 minutes and jot down several reasons. I couldn't make a long list because the more I thought about it, the more hurt I was. So I thought a little at a time. I was very fortunate because at the time, my Communications class was talking about the process of relationships and how they deteriorate. I was still extremely hurt about the breakup and I wasn't sure about what was going on, but I really tried to make sense of everything despite how bad I felt.

 

Sometimes I'd think of things that went wrong in the relationship and say "no wonder she broke up with me." Other times I'd say "well that's no reason to GIVE UP that fast." It was an off and on kind of feeling. I tried to justify her actions, I tried to get mad at her, I tried a lot of things, but I felt like I wasn't making progress.

 

About a month or so into the breakup process, I experienced a game-changer. My Communications teacher taught us about "power and conflict" and she explained that we grant people power. No one has power over us unless we give them power. The law may say that it is illegal to kill someone, but I can choose to kill someone. The speed limit may say 55 mph, but I can go 85 if I chose to. Yeah, there's consequences to my actions, but that doesn't mean I still don't have the choice. I started thinking about my ex-girlfriend and how I choose to grant her power. She's out of my life, and I'm still choosing to let her affect me. The fact is that...worrying about what she's doing, thinking about what she's thinking about, or anything like that isn't going to draw me any closer to her. In fact, it's only going to cause me pain. Why choose to upset myself? Why not choose to better myself?

 

I can't remember when I acquired a friend with benefits, but I met a woman on a dating service and we established a friends with benefits. I thought that I could at least handle getting laid, and I made sure she understood that I'm not interested in a relationship for the moment.

 

But then...I messed up about 3 months into the recovery. I saw her Tumblr, and that was a real test of how much progress I was making. I looked at it, saw an update on her life: she said I was a "loser" and things like that. Of course, I could've been potentially devastated. I read that entry, closed Firefox, and thought about what I just did. I chose to messed up. She broke up with me. Why should I have expected her to say anything different? When you dump someone, you don't want to think about why you SHOULDN'T have dumped them because that just confuses the hell out of everything. Of course a woman is going to justify her breaking your heart. I'm surprised she didn't say I had a small penis; then again, she did say that I sucked at sex so I guess that still counts.

 

Shortly after I visited my ex-girlfriend's tumblr, my friends with benefits confessed her love for me. Of course, I'm going through my own issue with an ex-girlfriend and I'm not the least bit surprised that she did. Because I was dealing with my own thing, I wasn't completely upset about her falling in love with me because she ultimately chose to develop those feelings even when she KNEW that there wasn't much of a chance at getting a relationship. She put herself in a bad situation, and I can't take responsibility for someone else's actions. I was very clear. I felt bad that she was hurt, but I had my own hurt to deal with and didn't want to add on what I already had.

 

I decided to change the pace up since I clearly wasn't over my ex-girlfriend enough to get into a relationship. I also didn't want to tempt myself. I had to find a way to tell my brain "enough is enough. I'm not gonna let my thoughts control me." I deleted my Facebook, I deleted my Tumblr, I deleted a blog I've had since 13 years old, etc. I got rid of my dating profile despite the fact that I paid for a special account, and I decided that I'm hurt. I'm in a lot of pain. I can't have sex with a woman when I always think about someone else. I can't pursue relationships with women when I compare them to my ex-girlfriend. I can't browse Facebook hoping that maybe my ex-girlfriend will see it and change her mind. I can't update my Tumblr and pretend that I'm okay when I'm really not okay. Not only am I hurt, but I'm bringing myself down that I've been preventing myself from making progress.

 

While my ex-girlfriend succeeds in everything she wants, I realized that I was just trying to get out of a hole only to fall into another one. If I really want to get better, I gotta connect everything together and find a way to deal with everything at once. Because I was still hurt from my ex-girlfriend, because I wasn't making progress in my life, because I chose to bring myself down, I decided to stop pretending that I'm okay. Even if I feel like I'm all right, I'm not going to assume that just because I have a good day...I'm as good as I could be. After all, I had thoughts about killing myself before I dated my ex-girlfriend. I decided...you know what, Ox, I think it's time you learn to live with yourself. I stopped my interest in women, I stopped doing the things I used to do on the internet, I started playing video games I used to enjoy, I stopped trying to write a book just to try and get back at my ex-girlfriend (she's a reader), I stopped trying to focus on her. I put all my focus on myself. I decided that...I'm hurt, and I need to tend to my wounds.

 

I'm five months into my recovery and I will say that I'm not 100%. I can dream without dreaming about my ex, I can talk about my ex like she's part of my past, I can laugh, I can sing in the car, and I can do a lot of things that I used to have real trouble doing these past 5 months. But you know what? I acknowledge that there's going to be thoughts about her, I'm gonna cry sometimes, I'm gonna smile sometimes. I'm gonna have my good days and I'm good have my bad days, but I know that the only reason why I'm making progress is because I'm choosing to get better.

 

It's like weight-loss. You can think about losing weight, but it's not going to make you lose weight. In fact, if anything, stress is just going to help you gain weight. When you actively try to lose weight as efficient as possible, that's when you start seeing results. You can run on a treadmill for 10 minutes, but it's not being as efficient as possible. Yeah, it's working out...but there's more to working out than running -- especially on a machine such as a treadmill. If you want to make real progress, you gotta make a decision, at some point, and decide...you know what? I can't half-ass my recovery. I can make progress, but I won't be making as much progress as I could unless I do the absolute best that I can everyday.

 

Am I hurt? **** yeah, I'm hurt. Instead of looking at my pain as something that is holding me back, I ask myself question "well, I'm in pain. So what can I do about it?" If I can't do anything about it, why worry? I can only change the things I have control over. Ultimately, the only thing that I can control is myself. People can say and do whatever they want, like my ex-girlfriend, but only I control how I choose to feel about certain things, and how I deal with situations. I can choose to mope around and feel bad for myself that I lost a great woman, which I did, or I can say...hey, I'll find another great woman again. But when I find a great woman, I want to be great also. Right now, I'm not great...but I'm working towards it and I will say that as long as you're trying the best you can, you will get over your ex. Time heals all wounds, but if you keep stabbing yourself in the same place...you're not gonna heal.

 

You are the only person that is bringing yourself down. If you're trying to do something and it's not working, you need to find a different approach. You have the most power in your life, and NO ONE can tell you what you can and can't do. ESPECIALLY YOUR GOD DAMN EX.

 

You're an amazing person, and you don't need anyone to justify that fact. When you realize how much power you have in your own life and understand that you make your own choices, you will realize that the situation is only as bad as you make it out to be. Heart break is bad, don't get me wrong, but how long you want to suffer solely depends on you.

 

I believe in you, but you don't need me to tell you that. Believe in yourself. Love yourself. Trust that NO MATTER WHAT, you're gonna be okay. Some of the most powerful progress I've made in my life had nothing to do with physical choices, but realizations. Once you really harvest the power of your own mind, these feelings you're experiencing will go away. But you have to make a choice, and you have to commit to it.

 

Remember...I wanted to kill myself BEFORE I met my ex-girlfriend. You would think that I'd especially want to kill myself now. Instead, the breakup taught me how to love myself. At some point, you'll realize that it's all just an experience that will help you become stronger. But if you look at it as something you'll never get over, then you'll never get over it.

 

There's only one choice that you can make in recovery: choose yourself. When you do that, you will get to a point where you'll realize "maybe I can do this. Maybe I'll be okay after all." After that, things won't be as bad as they used to be and you'll eventually be able to fall in love again stronger and more knowledgeable how relationships fail, how relationships succeed, and you'll look back and realize...damn, that was tough.

 

But it was worth it.

[johncourtz]

Amazing read man. Thank you. This was just what i needed to see!

[RaidDolEm78]

Wow! Your words truly reached out to me. Thank you for taking the time to write this!

[faithhopelove11]

Omg thank you.thank you thank you.

im lying Here in bed under the covers sobbing . Been doing this for a month on and off. My ex and I have been trying No contact but failing miserably (mostly me). Your story gave me strength just now. I messed up and yelled at times at my ex. He left stating i had anger issues. and u know what ? It has opened my eyes to the issues I need to work on . So i liked ur comment on just focus on being a better person. For the past two weeks i have been really focusing on Improving my impatience. No im not perfect but by Gods grace i can try. Thanks for encouraging me . It helped to hear that if you can heal...so can I

[sportzhl24]

Wow, very cool dude. Well written. That helps tremendously thank u

[sportzhl24]

And what I always try to remember is: if somebody loved you once, then you can be loved again.

[somethingsomething]

This deserves a sticky!

 

Powerful stuff, Ox. Thank you so much for sharing your story and path of recovery. I will keep these words close because I know I and many other LSers can relate to everything you're saying. Please keep us updated and help others going through the same struggle.

[Tae]

Amazing man, very worth reading!

[carl777]

Amazing post. One of the best things I've read on LS.

[Sugarkane]

So relatable. Dumper does 180 and thinks their shyte doesn't stink. Backstabs you and says awful things about you and blames The WHOLE breakup on you. Like these dumpers are 100% perfect? He'll no.

[RDawg]

Sounds like you've gained a lot of perspective. I think the next step for all of us is to stop thinking about it, stop talking about it and to stop writing about it. Now wouldn't that be liberating?