TheNewMe2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Went on a trip recently with a group of friends and got a long really well with one of the women. We ended up spending most of our vacation, paired off with another couple. Half way through the week, it became obvious I had some affection for her and finally told her (twice) on the trip how I felt about her. I have been separated for 9 months and had a few dates with a few women. But this one, I feel very different about. In fact, only one other time I felt like this and it was with a girl in college. After telling her, she was still friendly and agreed that when we got back I could call her and we could go out. I called her the day we got back and we setup plans for the upcoming weekend. She hadn't dated in awhile, as well. I'm trying to take things slowly - both my feelings, as well as interacting with her. She is everything I ever looked for in a woman and it's hard to not get excited. I can't focus on work - as I am just counting down time to the weekend and the date - though scared that it can live up to what I have been dreaming about. Is it wrong to have such strong feelings for someone you don't know well (though, it's almost like 7 dates already since we spent every day together). We haven't kissed, held hands, or much of anything. Neither of us went on this trip with our group expecting anything else and I didn't think it was appropriate to change that dynamic on the trip for her, me or anyone else. We are back and my focus is shot. We did chat and setup the date. Hours are taking forever to go by. I want to call/text with her again - but feel like that is coming on too strong. Part of me feels like I should go with my feelings - but the brain part tells me to hang back. It's stupid, but even though she hasn't dated in a long time - I feel like not interacting with her she will lose interest. Tired of talking to friends about it (esp. as they are having relationship problems). I've never thought I would meet someone that I felt was 'the one' - and it sounds stupid to say...but it feels like it. It's true..stop looking so hard, and it finds you. Help..advice?
HappyLove Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Take a deep breath in and breathe out. Repeat. You are not being weird you are just very excited and happy looking forward to going on a romantic date with the lady you fancy. She gives you butterflies it sounds like and that's great. Just take it easy. Plan a nice date. Buy her some flowers. As hard as it is try going in with no expectations. Don't over do it with texting before your date because you want to have things to talk about on the date. Remember you've already done the hard part, you asked her out and she said yes. Sounds great to me! Good luck, let us know how things went.
scooby-philly Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Hey there, I think it's totally normal to feel this way. If you can't focus - that's a good sign, but it can't become all consuming. Relax and enjoy.
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Love to hear more advice. After ten years of marriage...a little rusty. I've dated a bit....I think this isn't a rebound feeling. I think I'm past that and analyzed myself to death. So stupid follow-up...someone isn't going from interested to not interested in a week. Right? Lol yeah, need to relax..I know. Thanks again.
HappyLove Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Love to hear more advice. After ten years of marriage...a little rusty. I've dated a bit....I think this isn't a rebound feeling. I think I'm past that and analyzed myself to death. So stupid follow-up...someone isn't going from interested to not interested in a week. Right? Lol yeah, need to relax..I know. Thanks again. You respected her on vacation. You got home asked her out, she agreed to a date. She had plenty of time to decide if she wants to see you or not. She wouldn't have said yes again after you got home if she wasn't interested. You are golden. Stop worrying.
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 thanks again for the advice. Since I separated - my philosophy is just date, have fun - if she's interested...great. If not, I'll move on. At 40 - you realize to be yourself and take the ups and downs that come. Maybe after you have been dating - you'd feel differently. So pining after someone is weird. As I told a friend, I feel like I forgot how to date. Anyway. Thanks again. I appreciate ya'll's sensibility. Being able to vocalize (as embarrassing as it is) - has helped!
deathandtaxes Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 It's very irrational to have such strong feelings for somebody you don't know well, especially given that spent a lot of time with her in what is essentially fantasy land. Your expectations may be too high or skewed by your experience on the trip with this woman. Just keep all that in mind and have a good time going out with her.
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 you make a very valid point...thank you!
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 The week continues to drag by. I really am anxious to see if there is truly something and hopefully, if I haven't ruined things by building expecations that can't be lived up to (and I know that' a possibility) I will find out on Saturday. She has been very mixed signals, to me - though when I talk to friends they say she's shown definite interest - and she has agreed to the date. The other day a friend asked if there was anything between us. My answer was "no." Didn't elaborate much. Because we are close group of friends and trying to be patient and not overbearing...I didn't want to express much more about something that isn't anymore than a real first date. He said, that's really a shame. Last evening I got the distinct impression he was flirting with her on Facebook. In some ways he's more her type - in some ways that's maybe not true. On Friday, a large group of us - including her - are supposed to go over to his house for a party. I'm going to continue my policy of "group activities are group activities" and not pressure or spend additional time with her. I'm not jealous. I believe if someone wants to be with you, they want to be with you. If turns out she'd rather be with someone else, it would hurt...but be fine. I'm more, disappointed if that were the case. Of course, she hasn't expressed interest in him, I always have a little bit of self-doubt about my value in a relationship. I found this forum because I wanted an objective conscious to my very subjective, analytical and extreme thoughts (positive and negative) rather than bottle it up and blow it. I understand I'm a bit 'nuts' about her. I understand that can be detrimental to building a healthy relationship. I'm very type 'A' and it's hard to be passive and take things in stride. I'm kinda crazy - right? We have a date planned..she hasn't changed her mind, we chatted via text yesterday.
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 The other guy asked your permission to pursue her and you said go for it buddy?? That's crazy talk. Now your all going to a party at his house? On valentines day the day before your first date? Uhhggg... This is all bad news bears my friend. I would say something to him today! Something like hey I have a question for you... <her name> and I are going out Saturday. But do you think I should bring her something at your party being Valentines day and all? Like maybe a flower or something I don't want to look too forward but she might be disappointed if I don't. Maybe you can turn him on your side. At least your letting him know that you are claiming her. Its worth a shot because if you don't call him off your going to have a defcon 4 C-blocker all in your world. 1
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 maybe I'm blind. didn't think it was that severe an issue :-) thanks for your opinion. I've got to believe it's not at defcon 4. Regardless, not sure if there's an eloquent way to just bring it up. Best bet, if that's the case is to say something at the party tomorrow. Being a V-Day protest party..bringing her flowers is probably not appropriate. In fact that's how he and I got on the topic - I was ribbing someone else for coming who was 'dating' and he asked wasn't I a couple. I guess I played 'coy' more than a flat out no. Hell, I know he has feelings for another woman - who's just a friend. I could be overblowing this. This woman has been available for a long-time and he hasn't pursued her. But we did all spend a week together. But thanks for making me more nervous Oh well - I've got to believe that if what is between us is more than my fabrication...one day of possible flirtation and me having a date with her won't change things. I guess the other thing is that I don't want to 'force' someone into a relationship with me. If she likes me...she likes me. If she's that wishy-washy after spending a week together, then as much as it hurts..it's just not right. I guess what I'm saying - is I wanted to see if there was some affirmation I'm a little nuts about worrying. What you are telling me is I should worry - but playing it any different doesn't seem appropriate or the right approach. Any other thoughts..anyone think I'm just a bit crazy - or ya'll on LEVVIT2's side?
HappyLove Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Like I said before.....CALM DOWN! Now your just making things up as to why she won't like you when you ALREADY HAVE A DATE!!!!!!! You need a hobby, seriously, you have way too much time on your hands to beat yourself up over invisible scenarios. Find a hobby and do it, it'll take your mind off things like this. 2
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 I have plenty of hobbies. LOL. Can't focus on much. LOL. Thanks for the slap in the face HappyLove. I appreciate it. I know. IT's the reason I joined the forum. I'm very type "A" and very much always running through scenarios in my head for everything. It serves me well at work, financially and most places. It doesn't work well when emotion is involved. Thank you.
HappyLove Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 You need to train yourself to focus on the positives in life. You heavily focus on the negative so much so that you don't see how well you are doing. You can't even see how much you are sitting pretty right now. You went away with this woman for what a week? If someone is interested in dating you after spending so much time around you it's WAYYYY better than randomly meeting someone and hoping they like you. She's had A LOT of time to see how you are as a person and she LIKED what she saw and is willing to take it to another level. You are so ahead of the game right now, it's sad you can't see it.
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 HappyLove - you are right, in many ways. That's why I'm here. I'm not a pessimist much in life...except for relationships. My friends would slap me too if they heard all this. If I was giving advice to me - probably the same. But we are who we are and can't always see things objectively. The fact is, I know everything you are saying..I've thought about it. It's part of the reason I'm excited. I've spent a week with her...seen our compatibilities (and potential incompatibilities) and I don't know her well - but see something different. After 10 years of a marriage that I think we both 'settled' to begin with and several rejections (none of which I felt strongly about, but takes a hit to your ego) - I really would like to see this one work out. I guess I have self-doubts. It's my flaw. I've dated others - some I've killed off, some they have - but none I ever worried about, I wanted them to work out...but if not, I was fine and happy to move on. I thought that approach meant if it's right it's right, if not..fine. This one I don't want to get away. I have so many people, women, telling me I'm a great guy and find me attractive (heck, I think two of them were interested in me on the trip)..but after some of my history, when it comes down to it - never feel worthy in a relationship. The funny part is, outside of 'relationships' - you won't find a more confident person. HappyLove - you really are helping me calm down, relax and see the bright side. I am guessing you are a female (and hopefully not 20) - and your insight on women is very much appreciated. I do like her and don't want to mess it up with my craziness (I already think I've tainted it by obsessing..and trying to get off of it). Thank you.
HappyLove Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 None of us are perfect. All any of us can do is to learn from experience and try to do better. We all have our faults and a lot of us on these forums are praying to one day get those butterflies that you have going right now. Don't forget to update us on the date. Good luck!
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Thanks - I certainly will provide a update. Knowing me, I'll probably over analyze everything from the date. I know I'm lucky to be where I am. Thanks.
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 maybe I'm blind. didn't think it was that severe an issue :-) thanks for your opinion. I've got to believe it's not at defcon 4. Regardless, not sure if there's an eloquent way to just bring it up. Best bet, if that's the case is to say something at the party tomorrow. Being a V-Day protest party..bringing her flowers is probably not appropriate. In fact that's how he and I got on the topic - I was ribbing someone else for coming who was 'dating' and he asked wasn't I a couple. I guess I played 'coy' more than a flat out no. Hell, I know he has feelings for another woman - who's just a friend. I could be overblowing this. This woman has been available for a long-time and he hasn't pursued her. But we did all spend a week together. But thanks for making me more nervous Oh well - I've got to believe that if what is between us is more than my fabrication...one day of possible flirtation and me having a date with her won't change things. I guess the other thing is that I don't want to 'force' someone into a relationship with me. If she likes me...she likes me. If she's that wishy-washy after spending a week together, then as much as it hurts..it's just not right. I guess what I'm saying - is I wanted to see if there was some affirmation I'm a little nuts about worrying. What you are telling me is I should worry - but playing it any different doesn't seem appropriate or the right approach. Any other thoughts..anyone think I'm just a bit crazy - or ya'll on LEVVIT2's side? A black rose would be clutch IMO at a vday protest party. But my flirting/dating style is probably much different then yours. I didn't mean to stress you out. I'm glad the situation is better then I originally thought. I would still say if you like her you better claim her. Ever heard where those nice guys finish?? Good luck you will do fine just relax a little. Its tough getting back out there you just need to get your confidence back. 1
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 You guys are great. I know nice guys finish last - been there many times. So, I confirmed we are on for Saturday and talked to a friend who said that she would not be interested in the other guy. So things are golden. So, we spent a week together...conversation was relaxed. But I'm worried we'll either have nothing to talk about OR we spend the whole night rehashing the vacation 15 times..which I want to avoid. On the trip we had plenty of activities to talk about and I did get a chance to learn about her. If I had an issue in my marriage it was I have very little ability to conduct small talk. I don't understand the concept - in that I feel like the other person knows it's small talk and that I'm being patronizing. I also feel like asking questions in general is kind of creepy too (maybe not). I mean I've been on dates, and had little issue with the conversation - but because I really enjoy her and we've already talked for a week...as friends, trying to build a more intimate relationship might be tough. Yep - over thinking everything. We are going to get dinner and then go to a hookah bar...so hopefully that keeps us entertained.
deathandtaxes Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Sometimes you just need to enjoy the spaces between conversation. Relax. Have fun.
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