I hope I'm doing this right. I completely cut connections with my EAP today..

[tnimbus]

after 5 months of trying very hard to cut him out of my life...but letting part of myself hang on. It was an online affair, we never met in the physical world, but it was very damaging to my life-partner of 18 years and our life together, some of my friendships and me. I realize that I WAS having an affair, and it's inexcusable.

I confessed to my life-partner in September, told him that I had been "involved" with someone on an online site for about two years, broke off the EA and asked him to block the site from my computer. He did and he forgave me. Since then we've been working successfully on our relationship. I realized that the EA was an excuse for me to not work on things that had become out of balance in our relationship, and in my own personal life.

...don't get me wrong, I don't excuse myself...it was wrong, it was selfish, and it was a terrible thing to do. I have to live with what I did for the rest of my life, and it makes me feel as low as dirt, even though my LP has forgiven me and has never used it as a weapon, or any kind of chip...he has left it behind. He treats me wonderfully. I am blessed to have him and know just how lucky I am. I love him deeply, as he does me.

....but I couldn't completely let go of my EAP, no matter how hard I tried!! I wouldn't email him, or contact him in any way..about three weeks would go by and I would be feeling better. Then he would contact me by email or on another site he knew I went to. I wouldn't email him back, and quit going to that site too, then he would email me again and again. I foolishly replied back and there would be about a week of mailing each other,(Nothing untoward, no sexting, or anything like that, but it was still wrong and I knew it.), then I would dig my heels in and stop! One of these communication sessions was because he said he attempted suicide, another because of some other emotional reason. I realized he was using guilt to get me to talk to him, and I was using it as an excuse to keep up contact..then I became very angry at myself for being so weak.

So today I cut all the cords, every last one of them, including some online "friends" who knew both of us. That part hurts, but I knew I had to do it to cut him off completely. For the good of the relationship I have, for my own good, and to finally let go of him, to let go of the guilt and horrible feelings I have about myself and what I did, (that came up even worse every time I mailed with him), I closed things with an ironwill! Two email accounts, my Skype, my Facebook,(didn't talk to him there, but did it anyway) went to my LP, told him, and gave him all my passwords for everything left I do online. I made myself completely open and accountable to my LP and completely cut my EAP out. I should've done it months ago!

I feel better and lighter because of it, and much of the guilt has dissipated...but I know I'll have my days, and hopefully I can get support and give support to others. That's why I came here. I don't know if I'm doing this right, someone please let me know if I'm posting incorrectly.

Thank you for reading my lonnnnng post, and I would like to say to anyone out there who can't completely let go...Do it!!! Cut your AP off, now! Completely! Do it for your spouse/LP. Do it for yourself. It's the only way to truly get past it and heal. This woman supports you, even if she doesn't know you. Have a wonderful day...Heal!!

[oldshirt]

If I am reading this correctly, you stopped correspondence with a pen pal that was causing issues in a real-world relationship.

 

Yes that sounds very prudent to me.

[Spark1111]

congratulations to you! No easy feat but you seemed to have caught on quickly that total, scorched earth, full-on No Contact is the only way to regain any equilibrium.

 

What you invest in another is what you take away from your primary relationship. the pendulum cannot swing back until you stop investing time, energy, emotions and conversation into an AP.

 

You must invest them into your partner if your relationship has any chance of succeeding.

 

Who can compete with a fantasy? No one.

[tnimbus]

Thank you both for replying.

 

To the first one...pen pal is a way to see it I guess. I'm going to start using that to detach more from my EA, thank you. It was a correspondence that went wayyyy too far, and included Skype, etc. It was not a physical affair face-to-face, no, but it was an affair. I see more and more of these online EA's all the time..and they are damaging to a marriage/LTR...maybe not like catching your partner in bed with someone in the flesh, no...but damaging.

 

To the second one, thank you as well. Yes!!! It has to be scorched Earth!!!

I found that out the hard way by trying to hold on, even a little bit. The holding on is being dishonest with oneself, and one's partner....No real healing can begin until the Earth is scorched!

 

You're right...and if I've learned anything positive from this, it's that time spent is a very valuable commodity. It's the one thing we can never get back, and when we run out, there is no bargaining for more. Investing it with the one we truly love is beyond price.

 

You're right about the pendulum too...that struck a chord in me. That made me see something I couldn't when I was in the midst of trying to stop/not stop all contact....the pendulum would calm, or start to settle and reset..healing would begin...then contact would set the pendulum into motion again, swinging wildly, and all the calm and healing would be for naught. Nothing but absolute No Contact is the only way to heal and reset it. It has to be able to reset in peace, so to speak.

Thank you.

 

Nope, no one can compare with a fantasy, and I see just how lucky I am to have not lost my LP over something that amounted to nothing.

Thank you guys for listening and commenting.