JunkYardDog Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 First post, thanks for listening, heres my story (Ill try to keep it short) 3 3/4 year realtionship with the ex, was rocky at times...Last Nov my father died who I took care of and was close to. She wasnt there for me during this period, just giving me scrap time and I felt horrible for not having her unwaivering support so I stopped talking to her for a week after the funeral. When I went to pick up his ashes I was so broken I called her and she told me that it was over, I was too emotional for her and that it was my fault for not contacting her for a week. I begged, apologized, she told me its done, dont conatact me anymore. Fast foward to before Xmas, I broke 3 weeks of NC and contacted her saying how much I missed her. She wrote back about all the bad things I am and how shes finally free of me and it feels so great, even has gone out with 3 guys who treat her so well but then would say she missed me and loved me still but that she didnt want to talk until after the holidays. I did a drive by a few days later and saw her new guys car parked in her driveway (only time I did that). Right before new years I reached out again and she said shes seeing someone now and is very happy but wanted to talk. I stupidly agreed...met her and she told me how great he is, that he treats her better than anyone has, that I dont know how to love her, and even went as far as telling me about bubble baths with him and walking around his house in panties and heels topless and how he loved that. I dont know what I was thinking, I should of got up and spilt my coffee on her head but instead I asked her to come back, groveled. That was the day before new years and the last contact with her. Last week the night before her Bday she sent me a text 'hi, how are you doing?". Ok, f*&^ You is what I thought, didnt reply. Didnt send her any Bday wish. Last sunday she sends me an email saying that she saw my grass is looking very bad in my front yard and was concerned about if I was ok. I didnt respond. Monday she tries to call, first time in 3 months, no message, I didnt respond. I dont know why but I still have feelings for her after all that happened and still love her for some stupid reason. Should I keep strong with NC unless she makes it apparent that she is sorry and wants to reconcile? Its been a real struggle for me the pat couple of months, losing my father then her at the same time.......
johnson_j Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 That's real crappy brother. Hang in there man. Don't know what to tell you on this one - you should ask whether you can forgive and love her again if things were to work out. An 'ex' once called to tell me about all the great s** she was having with new guy - who she suddenly up and left after a few months when she swore to do anything to be back with me. If she's serious, she won't worry about whether it takes you a week or two to respond. Just go based on your schedule. If YOU want to talk to her, TALK to her.
rosedl Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I wouldn't go near her again. Your father died, she wasn't there for you, and she left you right after the funeral. Don't go near her. You don't need a fair weather friend and partner. She has SHOWN you who she is.... Believe her. 5
hestheone66 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 She knows from your earlier grovelling that your self esteem was shot. You don't love her but miss her and how you felt in the good times.she has demonstrated lack of empathy for your feelings of loss and grief during your fathers passing and the manner she broke up with you. She is not worthy of your time or thoughts. I think that you block her from phone and start really focusing on your healing. Love is NOT emotional dependence or using someone when you are bored . Even if she asks for reconciliation too much bad has happened and you'll never really be able to trust your heart with her.
Author JunkYardDog Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 My self esteem was shot, and still is honestly. You know how heartwrenching it is to lose someone you love, just imagine losing your Father and them in a two week span...enough to bring superman to his knees. No joke. I am still picking up the pieces. I have had my share of breakups, Im not a college student, but this one was the worst by far especially with the death and how she threw him and the intimacy in my face...you just dont do that to someone, even a total stranger, let alone the person you told so many times you would love them and be with them forever. It should be so much easier under these circumstances to say F you, and move on...but it just isnt for me right now for whatever reason. I appreciate your feedback and responses and welcome them no matter what they say.
lonegirl Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Oh wow... selfish, isn't she? Don't reply, that's all! You ARE better alone and can find much better than this.
jjc82 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Of course you still love her. Just because you're no longer in a relationship does not mean that ends. I still live my ex and always will. I love the girl who broke my heart twelve years ago. But loving someone and choosing to be in a relationship with them are two different things. You have evidence at hand with which to make a decision. Is someone who abandons you in a time of mourning the type of person you want to be with? Also take into consideration she's been with other men since you. The same thing happened to me when I reconciled with my ex and I was never able to shake those thoughts and fears. They grew all-consuming. I was uncomfortable around any talk of sex, couldn't look at condoms on the shelf in Target, and shied away from movies and TV shows with nudity. Not to mention my esteem in my ex shrank. Some are able to get over this and move forward. I was not.
Musing Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 So let me see if I get this right. Someone very important and irreplaceable in your life passes away. You are in grief and mourning, and pull away just as everyone usually does at some point. And for that, she breaks up with you while your prior grief is still fresh, and proceeds to say you're too emotional (like, really?) Then, as you're healing, she offers to meet up with you, and tells you things you SHOULDN'T know, right to your face. Why. Why why why?! Why is she so callous and why are you allowing it? Your brain is recovering from an addiction to another person. I usually avoid cliched terms unless I feel the need to use them. And I REALLY feel the need to say this and mean it: You deserve so much better! I was MORTIFIED with my ex (we dated only 6 months) saw me out on a date with someone at the movies...5 months after we broke up. I NEVER tell my exs (who I usually am friends with or talk to post-BU) the nitty gritty or 'wonderful" things about a new guy. Even when they are barking down my door, I never stoop so low as to brag about a new guy to an old one. That's rude and says so much about her character. Gyaag I know it's hard for you to see it now because of the state of mind you're in but you're better off without this one. Find yourself a good woman who will lift you when you're down and treat you with the respect you deserve.
Author JunkYardDog Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) As with any failed RS it is not just one persons fault and I had my share of issues as well, but nothing close to being as cold hearted as that. She made it out to be all my fault totally projecting the way she was on me even saying that "I pushed her into the arms of another man". Really?....Dad dies and I need some compassion, dont get it so I blow her off for a week and its my fault her panties couldnt stay on. I feel so weak for even still thinking about her and being tempted to break NC. It all was and is still so painful, keep going back and forth but I think I need to heal and work on myself more than anything for allowing someone like this to do such damage in the first place. Edited February 13, 2014 by JunkYardDog
forever_lost Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Wow, and I thought the process I went through was bad. Seriously, until you can get evidence that this girl doesn't fluctuate between selfishness and caring ever other day, and actually cares about you more than herself, stay as far as flipping away as possible. Getting back together with her now will only set you up for heartbreak in the future. She's already seeing other guys and telling you about them, and she just wants you for emotional support (selfish much). You have nothing else to lose by waiting longer to see if she's serious, and so far it looks like you don't have anything to lose by not getting back together with her. Stay NC, buddy. I know it's hard, but you gotta do it for you. Just think about what happens if you experience another crisis in your life; you want her in her current state to be the one you rely on?
Never Again Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Dude. Some people just don't understand grief and hardship. I'm not going to jack your thread, but I know where you're coming from. I had the worst 6 months of my life and was struggling to keep my head above water. I withdrew towards the end of it for awhile, and instead of noticing and being concerned...my ex just grew bored and "fell out of love". I don't know your ex, but people who don't realize that relationships aren't all about fun and games, that they have to put some work in too, and that things aren't going to always be exciting and attractive once the "honeymoon" is over...these kind of people aren't worth your time. This girl sounds like a selfish drama queen. I'm sorry about your father and I hope your family is doing well.
Author JunkYardDog Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) Thanks everyone who has chimed in so far. Head is up but still tough man.....The worst part is that I feel like my grieving and mourning that should of been for my dad was stolen by her. I have been mourning her loss more than his and THAT makes me feel even worse plus the fact of still harboring feelings for her at the same time....Doesnt make sense how I still have feelings and even consider her still, but I do. Edited February 13, 2014 by JunkYardDog
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