Contact after 2 1/2 months

[Berkley]

Of course, just as my self imposed deadline is here... he texts me this morning.

I had decided that if he hadn't tried to reconcile the friendship by the middle of Feb, before we both get busy with spring work...that I would block/delete and not respond to any future attempts from him to contact me.

Why now? Why today? Why just as I had decided to give up on him completely ? Strange timing.

Anyhow...after not hearing a word for two and a half months of his imposed NC...he just sends me a message out of the blue like we had spoken just a few days ago.

" Finally a warm sunny day ! Hope life is treating you well. Things are ok with me. Do you start your new job soon ? You getting excited to be able to get back into the garden again? I am ! "

 

 

Yes, I responded back....just small talk. He left with the promise that it wasn't forever, that he wasn't giving up on our friendship and that we both just needed time to heal. I didn't so much believe him - but given the fact that he is trying...I wasn't going to be a biatch and ignore him.

We just chatted back and forth about the Olympics and hockey and how much we both despise winter.

He said he's really looking forward to spring so he can come and get me and go to the greenhouses together as soon as they open for the season.

 

He's sad. Not so much about me or us....he gets depressed in the winter anyhow...but he kept saying things that make me worry that he's not OK. When asked, he didn't say he was good...he said he was ok, surviving. Said there was a lot of **** happening, a lot of stresses.

Makes me worry...because even though he is young and seemingly healthy, he has several very serious health concerns that are worsened by stress.

Part of me wishes he had sounded happy and content ...but...part of me is kind of glad that he can see that separating himself from me didn't make his life any better. Is that bad ???

I told him that even though he's been a huge arshole, dick head jerk this year - I'll always care.

He just said - "I know you do. We'll talk soon. Take care"

 

 

I'm glad I heard from him. I'm glad I responded...and I'm really glad that I respected his NC.

It didn't make things more painful for me at all....quite the opposite actually....it lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.

It helped me to know that he does care, that he has been thinking of me and that he wasn't lying when he said he didn't want to give up on a friendship in the future.

I don't know what that will look like...it's too early to say. It will never be the same because we will never have time to see much of each other.

But I'm happy not to have to sit here and worry and wonder if he and his family are alright.

I have some hope now that we can move past our screw up and have some sort of healthy friendship in the future.

[proseandpassion]

Mercury is in retrograde. I always feel it because the past always comes a-knockin'. Sorry it's upset you

[inappfriendly]

Blame Mercury, Saint Valentine, WHATEVER, but it seems from posts on LS like more and more MM are breaking NC this week. While I know that the effects can be devastating (though Berkly, I am relieved this wasn't the case with you), something in me is insanely jealous and sad that "mine" hasn't. I feel completely worthless.

And this is how I know that I have completely lost my mind...

Hugs and all the best to you!

Edited February 13, 2014 by inappfriendly

[Berkley]

I'll never understand men as long as I live...seriously.

 

I've been worried about the things he said - that there was a lot of **** happening, tons of stress - I'm worried about his business. I know I shouldn't...but it was important to me and I cared about it.

It sounded like he desperately wanted to talk to someone about it....why else would he bring it up instead of just saying life is wonderful.

 

So...I thought I would reach out a bit to him, in case he wasn't comfortable asking for help...and...I wanted to test the waters quite honestly. To see if I can see him face to face. To see if he really wants me as a friend. and...to see if any future friendship will be a two way street...meaning that I can initiate things instead of having to wait for him to ask or offer.

I sent him a text this afternoon because I have to head to that part of the city anyhow....so just asked if he wanted to meet for a coffee. Didn't want to do lunch like we always have...just in case it was too hard. Coffee is quick, and casual.

 

He texts back:

" I think it's better if we don't. Give it more time"

"Wait until spring"

 

I never answered back...I don't even know what to say.

So I chose to say nothing.

 

Not feeling so good tonight.

Why contact me if he isn't ready to have a friendship yet?

Wait til spring ? What kind of magic is going to happen between now and spring ??

Seriously confused....and fed up with this game of his

[whichwayisup]

To see if he really wants me as a friend.

 

Do you really want him as a friend? Can you handle 'just' a friendship. Can your heart and emotions handle it? To sit and wait to see 'if he wants to continue a friendship' with you isn't fair to you. Either he does or he doesn't. 2-3 more months, how is anything going to change?

 

Why contact me if he isn't ready to have a friendship yet?

 

To see if you were still into him, interested and willing to wait. He got his answer.

Wait til spring ? What kind of magic is going to happen between now and spring ??

Seriously confused....and fed up with this game of his

 

Then end it. Nothing is going to change, maybe deep down you both know that but neither of you have the strength to pull the trigger, end it once and for all. Only you know when you've really had enough but it sounds like you're getting closer to that stage.

[BrokenPrincess]

Because he had a moment of weakness, got his feel-good hit from being back on contact, and then remembered why you were NC to begin with.

 

That said, I genuinely believe that not all MM do this with malicious intention, I really, truly don't think mine did when he broke at 4.5 months. He wanted to make sure I knew how he felt about me (ok but we're still both married) and then what do you do after that conversation? Breaking NC was obviously not a well thought out plan.

 

Nothing good comes after that short-term peace of being in contact. It's taken me almost 9 months since the second breakup to finally enjoy days of indifference & I still don't think I'm strong enough to be casual friends with him.

[Popsicle]

I'll never understand men as long as I live...seriously.

 

I've been worried about the things he said - that there was a lot of **** happening, tons of stress - I'm worried about his business. I know I shouldn't...but it was important to me and I cared about it.

It sounded like he desperately wanted to talk to someone about it....why else would he bring it up instead of just saying life is wonderful.

 

So...I thought I would reach out a bit to him, in case he wasn't comfortable asking for help...and...I wanted to test the waters quite honestly. To see if I can see him face to face. To see if he really wants me as a friend. and...to see if any future friendship will be a two way street...meaning that I can initiate things instead of having to wait for him to ask or offer.

I sent him a text this afternoon because I have to head to that part of the city anyhow....so just asked if he wanted to meet for a coffee. Didn't want to do lunch like we always have...just in case it was too hard. Coffee is quick, and casual.

 

He texts back:

" I think it's better if we don't. Give it more time"

"Wait until spring"

 

I never answered back...I don't even know what to say.

So I chose to say nothing.

 

Not feeling so good tonight.

Why contact me if he isn't ready to have a friendship yet?

Wait til spring ? What kind of magic is going to happen between now and spring ??

Seriously confused....and fed up with this game of his

 

Well, that's messed up on his part. I believe they do this because they have to feel like they could potentially still have you. They want to keep you on the hook, on the backburner.

 

If I were you, and you feel capable of being casual friends with (keep in mind he's still married), I'd just chat and keep it casual, even if he starts flirting and hinting. And whatever you do, do NOT initiate any romantic talk or meetings.

[Berkley]

Well, that's messed up on his part. I believe they do this because they have to feel like they could potentially still have you. They want to keep you on the hook, on the backburner.

 

If I were you, and you feel capable of being casual friends with (keep in mind he's still married), I'd just chat and keep it casual, even if he starts flirting and hinting. And whatever you do, do NOT initiate any romantic talk or meetings.

 

 

There was never any question about anything more than friendship now or ever.

He won't start flirting or hinting and I sure as heck am not going to start any intimate or romantic talk. That's not even part of the equation.

 

 

I know he did not contact me to be cruel or malicious....I just don't understand why he would bother if he doesn't want to see me until spring.

[Popsicle]

There was never any question about anything more than friendship now or ever.

He won't start flirting or hinting and I sure as heck am not going to start any intimate or romantic talk. That's not even part of the equation.

 

 

I know he did not contact me to be cruel or malicious....I just don't understand why he would bother if he doesn't want to see me until spring.

 

Like I said, to keep you on the backburner....

It's a POTENTIAL just in case. A maybe.

 

You have to resist the urge to dream up all these things going wrong with him and wanting to help him. This is a habit that most women have. I find myself feeling sorry for my xMM a lot, and wanting to help him. I think up all sorts of things. Then I have to remember that first and foremost, he's a grown man not a little boy, and any help he needs is the job of his wife and family, and also if he really wanted my help, he would ask for it.

 

Plus, he probably likes to be in control anyway (most MM do), so let him.

Edited February 14, 2014 by Popsicle

[blue963]

Maybe they contact to make themselves feel good that there is someone that "wants" them.

[woinlove]

There was never any question about anything more than friendship now or ever.

He won't start flirting or hinting and I sure as heck am not going to start any intimate or romantic talk. That's not even part of the equation.

 

I know he did not contact me to be cruel or malicious....I just don't understand why he would bother if he doesn't want to see me until spring.

 

For the same reasons he had an affair with you even though he is married and wants to stay married. He has weak boundaries, may need the extra attention or ego boost, etc. He thinks of you and how it made him feel (not the guilt, but the ego boost/feeling a special connection part) and he reaches out hoping to feel some of the good feelings again. But then you say you want to meet now, not later as he suggested, and that may have reminded him of some of the bad feelings, the guilt, feeling you were too needy, maybe worried that might affect his marriage. He probably feels he has to call the shots for the same reasons he called for NC. In his mind, he is protecting his family. Don't expect any kind of two-way relationship while he remains married.

[Berkley]

For the same reasons he had an affair with you even though he is married and wants to stay married. He has weak boundaries, may need the extra attention or ego boost, etc. He thinks of you and how it made him feel (not the guilt, but the ego boost/feeling a special connection part) and he reaches out hoping to feel some of the good feelings again. But then you say you want to meet now, not later as he suggested, and that may have reminded him of some of the bad feelings, the guilt, feeling you were too needy, maybe worried that might affect his marriage. He probably feels he has to call the shots for the same reasons he called for NC. In his mind, he is protecting his family. Don't expect any kind of two-way relationship while he remains married.

 

 

No, actually that's not what happened at all....when he contacted me, he made it really clear that there was a lot going on in his life that wasn't good, causing him stress. He knew that bringing it up would make me worry about him. He said it knowing that I would be concerned about he and his family.

He never said anything about not wanting to see me before spring...all he said was 'we will talk again soon.'

I assumed that him breaking his NC meant that his 'hiatus' was over.

In bringing up problems, I thought he needed someone to talk to...he always said that I was the only friend he could really talk to about serious stuff...so I asked him simply if he wanted to go for coffee. He's not the type to just come out and say...hey, I need to talk to someone and get some of this shiat off my chest.

Not like I was asking for a day with him, to go out and have fun together...just a coffee. Not exactly needy behavior.

Edited February 15, 2014 by Berkley