struggling hard with an incident

[KateT]

3 years together, 1 year living together.

 

I am really struggling with my feelings and anger towards my bf after an incident a few nights ago. I am not perfect by any means but I just can't seem to work through his actions and stop feeling an overwhelming urge to flee this relationship. i don't know what to do and i am sick inside. i still love him.

 

A few nights ago after I'd gotten home from a trip, including a very long drive, we got into a disagreement about money and communication. We had gone out for a bite to eat and he got heated and began to express anger in public, which makes me literally feel ill inside. I beg him quietly "not in public" then I get up to leave just to make it stop. In the car he explodes and screamed at me to the point that I was begging him to stop screaming at me.

 

Back at home he began to accuse me of things I didn't do and I began to defend myself with words, asking him to work with me on checking out the facts. Yes, I was upset and persistent but not abusive in any way.

 

He refused and basically called me a liar. I kept going on asking him to look at what I wanted to show him so that he could see I was telling him the truth. To me it was so hurtful and I couldn't bear the thought of the sleepless night ahead. I thought that we could resolve it easily with facts. He is an alcoholic and just recently began drinking again after his work made him detox. I am just realizing how drinking has affected his memory. He won't remember things I say or do and then will accuse me.

 

So, I kept trying to get him to look at our account to show him I made the deposits and he said I was harassing him and threatened to call the police on me if I didn't shut up. I kept asking to work through it and all he could say was shut the **** up or i will call the police and have you taken out of my home. A home we rented together. I couldn't bear it and kept asking him why he just wouldn't look at the account with me and he called the police.

 

He went outside and waited for them. I stayed inside and because he was at the back of the house I couldn't see anything that was going on. Later i learned that there were 3 police cars that showed up. They talked to him and then one of them came inside and talked to me. He was very nice. I told him that we were arguing about money and that it wasn't physical. I also told him that he was an alcoholic and had begun drinking again. I also told him that he would never hit me and that he was a good man. The officer counseled me a little and then left. It was a pretty short conversation as I think he could see i wasn't a threat.

 

Nevertheless, the experience was utterly humiliating. There is now a record that I had the police called on me due to my actions toward another. That is all that matters to others, not that my bf was using the police to avoid solving a problem. Others will think that "she must have done something horrible for him to do that". I makes me feel ill inside.

 

My boyfriend came back in. He told me that the police said to stay away from each other. I packed up some things and went to a friends house.

 

He asked me to meet him the next day and i did. He asked me to come home with him and I didn't. i just wandered for the afternoon. Then I went home after he called and cried and made me feel like he regretted what he'd done. He didn't.

 

Since then I have felt angry, deeply hurt, humiliated, lost, physically ill, hopeless and defeated. He of course wants to go back to our usual relationship and pretend it didn't happen. I also feel like he feels justified and righteous which makes me so angry. When i've tried to tell him how i no longer feel safe with him, in my own home, I have no sense of security because he feels that this is an option for him he just gets angry at me and throws a few random threats my way.

 

He pressures me into sex and last night when i stood my ground and asked him to stop harassing me he told me he would go looking for it. They way i feel inside sex with him is that last thing i feel like. i just feel awful inside.

 

Finally, I should mention that he seems to feel that calling the police is his new right, he called the police on the building manager just because the manager wouldn't talk to him. (he is afraid of my bf).

 

I understand that there is the issue of his alcoholism, but i don't want to put too much into this already lengthy post. The incident with the police, and his attitude about it afterward is making me feel so bad I'm just paralyzed. I don't know what to do. i love him and wanted to try to weather the alcoholism but i just can't seem to get past him exposing me to such an experience.

 

Lastly, I know that men have a hard time when their women just keep on a subject, but he should have gone for a walk instead of something so drastic.

 

i don't think i will get over this.

[imfine]

I was married for a long time to an alcoholic. IT NEVER GOT BETTER. If you stay, realize this will be your life. Up to you. I hope you don't waste as many years as I did.

[d0nnivain]

the minute the police get involved the relationship is OVER. There is no coming back from this until after he gets 90 days of sobriety.

 

 

Stay with your friend. Look for a new place & go to some Al-Anon meetings. they will help you understand his drinking.

[MidwestUSA]

Oh dear, you have to get out. Even if he were to get sober again, and stay that way, you'll never forget this.

 

My ex was an alcoholic, and it got pretty bad. After I left him, he hit bottom, as in needing a new liver. At that point, mental processes are unpredictable and really screwed up. How far gone is your bf, as far as intake over the years?

[KateT]

I was married for a long time to an alcoholic. IT NEVER GOT BETTER. If you stay, realize this will be your life. Up to you. I hope you don't waste as many years as I did.

 

Thank you. I appreciate your response... I know you are right.

[thinkingofhim]

If you plan on staying with him you have to understand that you will probably be dealing with this on and off for the rest of your life. A lot of alcoholics sober up for months or years only to relapse again and again and again. Alcoholism is an addiction/disease that never goes away. Never. Some people manage to control it, but I really don't think you should plan on him being one of the few that make it.

 

If you want to have children with this man I urge you to consider this very carefully. An alcoholic parent is very difficult. I am the adult child of an alcoholic and to be perfectly frank, I think that my experiences growing up have probably damaged me beyond repair in many ways.

[bubbaganoosh]

Why do you want to burden yourself with a guy who has a sever drinking problem. He already went to rehab and now he fell off the wagon.

 

Verbal abuse is every bit as bad as being hit and if you say that it's the booze talking then you deserve him.

 

If it was me, I would tell him that he needs to get his ass to AA yesterday and until he does, to stay away.

 

You don't need to have this in your life and I'm sure you can do a whole lot better. Get rid of this guy and find someone more respectable.

[Spark1111]

RUN away from this relationship.

 

It's abusive. He is manipulating, demeaning and controlling you. This may not have anything to do with alcoholism. e may just be abusive.

 

threatening to have sex with someone else? You are kidding.

 

RUN away from this relationship. This is a lifetime of misery.

[KateT]

the minute the police get involved the relationship is OVER. There is no coming back from this until after he gets 90 days of sobriety.

 

Stay with your friend. Look for a new place & go to some Al-Anon meetings. they will help you understand his drinking.

 

That is what I said before he did it. I realize it was a control move and i am so glad that the police didn't escalate it.

 

Thanks so much for your note, i really appreciate it.

[KateT]

Oh dear, you have to get out. Even if he were to get sober again, and stay that way, you'll never forget this.

 

My ex was an alcoholic, and it got pretty bad. After I left him, he hit bottom, as in needing a new liver. At that point, mental processes are unpredictable and really screwed up. How far gone is your bf, as far as intake over the years?

 

I'm sorry to hear that. I know my bf's health is being affected. The doctor told him it was.

 

His drinking (half a big handle bottle of vodka a day) has been bad like this for about a year or so.

 

I can't forget or trust, what if he does it again, they would probably arrest me just because it's a second call even if I did nothing.

 

Thank you for your kind response.

[Keenly]

Get the hell out. All I needed to read is that you were begging him to stop yelling at you and he kept going.

 

Not okay.

[KateT]

What he really needs is rehab but it's difficult to force some people to go.

 

Next time he does it record it as either a video or voice note on your phone. You can also show or play these to the police if he pulls that stunt again. When he's sober again play it back to him.

 

If he doesn't change his behaviour release the recordings to his family.

 

This made me smile. I wish that I would have recorded it but it was the last thing from my mind. It's really hitting me how much at risk he put me in by calling the police, what if the men were having a bad day, or mad at their wives? i might have been in jail for failing to STFU.

 

He won't consider rehab right now. I think he'll have to hit rock bottom first.

 

Thank you for your post

[KateT]

If you plan on staying with him you have to understand that you will probably be dealing with this on and off for the rest of your life. A lot of alcoholics sober up for months or years only to relapse again and again and again. Alcoholism is an addiction/disease that never goes away. Never. Some people manage to control it, but I really don't think you should plan on him being one of the few that make it.

 

If you want to have children with this man I urge you to consider this very carefully. An alcoholic parent is very difficult. I am the adult child of an alcoholic and to be perfectly frank, I think that my experiences growing up have probably damaged me beyond repair in many ways.

 

I hear what you are saying, thank you for sharing this. i am so sorry about your experiences. This is new ground for me as I've never had any kind of a relationship with an alcoholic before. i agree with you regarding bringing children into this. I had a girlfriend visit and he raged at me and cussed at me right in front of her. I won't have my friends over any more. And i am planning my exit. I don't see a choice.

[KateT]

Why do you want to burden yourself with a guy who has a sever drinking problem. He already went to rehab and now he fell off the wagon.

 

Verbal abuse is every bit as bad as being hit and if you say that it's the booze talking then you deserve him.

 

If it was me, I would tell him that he needs to get his ass to AA yesterday and until he does, to stay away.

 

You don't need to have this in your life and I'm sure you can do a whole lot better. Get rid of this guy and find someone more respectable.

 

Thanks for your note, i appreciate it. i haven't had a relationship of any kind with someone who has an addiction problem. Not that it's an excuse but by the time I fell head over heels in love I was all about looking past the bad for the good.

 

The past few months i've been reading about it but after this last episode I'm convinced that (like so many of you are saying here) that i need to leave.

 

I really appreciate the thoughts and comments here, and that you all took the time to read my issue and offer comments. I appreciate each and every one and will keep reading them again and again as I move through this.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Thanks for your note, i appreciate it. i haven't had a relationship of any kind with someone who has an addiction problem. Not that it's an excuse but by the time I fell head over heels in love I was all about looking past the bad for the good.

 

The past few months i've been reading about it but after this last episode I'm convinced that (like so many of you are saying here) that i need to leave.

 

I really appreciate the thoughts and comments here, and that you all took the time to read my issue and offer comments. I appreciate each and every one and will keep reading them again and again as I move through this.

 

What do you think addicts to? they become addicted to something, and for the time being that was you...that's why in large part you likely got swept away, I bet this guy was just all into you and enamored in your new found "love".

 

At any rate, regardless of how it started...those decisions to ignore the "bad" and concentrate on the good are coming back to get ya, a lot of people want to look at the "positives" and the "optimistic" view, but if you ignore significant red flags or issues you can be sure you'll be dealing with those issues down the road...call me biased or judgmental but I don't know why anyone would be remotely interested in dating someone with an alcohol or drug addiction, it's like you're just asking for a hard life...I'm sure some of these people recover, but most very likely do not, but everyone always likes to bet on the small number when it comes to "love", always want to be apart of that minority who just gets "lucky"...well, only one of out every million is a winner, you wouldn't take those odds in Vegas but you'd take them in your love life, i mean sure why not!

 

I'm sure you're a bit of a firecracker and can be difficult as well, after all you're sitting there fighting it out and struggling with it all with this guy, so that is a reflection on you as well...it just means you've got some issue that keeps you in and draws you into someone like this, but hey if it's a one time thing you might not see a pattern or there might not be one, but if you're a bit hot-headed and have a temper or one of those "I HAVE to finish talking things through and work things out now!" aka stubborn and don't know when to walk away, then you're going to have a difficult time with certain personality types, especially with someone else like that...those two rarely if ever get along and make it through out of the hot-sex-honeymoon phase...you could be setting yourself up for a world of hurt, so be conscious and aware of your personality, communication problems and mistakes, because at the end of the day he's not going to have much to do with your life once you leave him...it'll all be in the past and over and onto the next like it never even happened.

 

After 3 years it's time to make a decision...if nothing ever changed, is this what you want in your future? no more wishful thinking and fairy tale endings, can you take this...if this making you happy, is this what you want? because now would be a good time to leave, relationships by 4 years that are not solid are likely not to stand the test of time IMO, that 3rd and 4th year are crucial because the first year isn't too telling because you're still in the honeymoon phase and the second year you're starting to get to know the real person as a whole better, and 3rd you have a decent grasp of what this relationship is going to look like down the road, 4th should be a snapshot of what is to come.

 

And yes, you can force it...many people do, many people have "stayed together through it all" and "thick and thin thin thin" but that's up to you, that's your happiness and satisfaction level out of your life, if you have any awareness, consciousness and intelligence...it make it extremely difficult than to just trudge along in your relationship like a mule, waiting...hoping for it to...by some miracle and saving grace, to get better.

 

But if this is the kind of life you want to live, if this is what you believe "love" is...go ahead, knock yourself out, but in the end, it might just be time wasted.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Had a long relationship with an alcoholic. It doesn't work. They may have good qualities but these are frequently at the service of the bad ones. It's all about them.

 

Get your act together, leave and move on.

[VeronicaRoss]

I know you're getting a lot of advice about the immediate concern, but there is something greater at stake here. You can get rid of this guy but the reasons you chose him are going to always go with you. You can easily replace him with someone very much like him unless you realize why you let yourself get into that situation with a man like that and what you need to do differently to avoid it. You are more of your problem than he is for that reason.

 

You chose to be and remain a partner of an addict. Why is that? That incident shouldn't be that much of a surprise if you had studied up on what alcoholism is and what how it manifests, that blow-up was the natural consequence of your choice of partner.

 

People who value peace of mind and heart don't choose an addict for a partner, it's like carrying a bomb around with you with an unknown detonator completely beyond your control. Life is so tough for everyone, why do that to yourself and your future children?

 

Why you thought you were safe from the consequences, or why you believe that 'everyone deserves a chance' when it's that risky is what you need to look at. You've got to look at what is driving your judgment and get educated in order to really protect yourself from these situations.

Edited February 13, 2014 by VeronicaRoss
better choice of words

[KateT]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my post and to give your thoughtful responses. They are really helping me sort things out.

 

i know most of you have been through times when you have committed to someone and find it difficult, even in the face of huge crap, to move on. i do understand that how much crap, or abuse each of us is willing to take depends on how healthy our own self-esteem and boundaries are. I know from the outside it seems like a no-brainer. And it should be, I tell myself that as well.

 

I love this man terribly, we have shared our lives in every way. We have "connected" in a way I've hoped for in life, including building a future with very common goals. However, it's been a progressive, if these things happened 3 years ago, i wouldn't be here now.

 

After two years we moved together to a beautiful town and i was so full of happiness, and for a while it seemed like a dream come true. Now it's like a bad dream i can't wake up from. The fact that I still love him, that I feel guilty for wanting to cut my losses and run is not the most important thing. I understand.

 

My making excuses for his behavior earlier on mostly stemmed from giving him wider latitude because he had the kind of childhood that you see in movies, in a bad way. I wasn't about fixing him, but seeing the good man there, the man I loved, i didn't want to give up on him either. But this is too much. The things i wrote in my original post (and all the things I didn't write) are too much. It's like victimization payed forward. Over and over again. I do need to think about my life and future and that isn't selfish.

 

Moving on and finding a healthy me, and then a healthy relationship is what I need to do. I understand. So here i am working through the details and fighting off all those crappy feelings of fear, loss, grief, etc. and trying to focus on the facts.

 

I am so sad that my whole body aches but i know i can't change anything. i appreciate all your posts and each and every one of them is helping me.

 

I need the reality check that I was hoping for when i posted so thank you all. I'm also seeking help on a forum dedicated to helping those whose lives are affected my Alcoholism so that I can really face all the facts. Kindest regards ya'all. (: