scooby-philly Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Ok - so my last post was silly. It was a brain dump but it was still helpful to write. So if this is a brain dump, I apologize. I'm looking for advice from people - particularly from women. So I started talking to a woman through match.com We talked for two weeks online and she beat me to the punch in giving me her number. We talked once and it was a good conversation. She had suggested we go for a walk when she gave me her number. When we talked & texted we agreed on brunch. It went great. I sent her a nice note the next day and she agreed with my feeling - I mean we literally sat down for well over two hours without a lapse in the conversation - we both blushed at different points and kept smiling and while there wasn't a kiss at the end she immediately agreed to keep talking and we talked once and texted once after that. I'm looking for something serious. I hope she is too. I asked her out for the weekend but she said she's busy but maybe we could do something next week. Now, she gave me her number first, and she was okay with brunch even though she had gone out three nights in a row before that. I think that means she's interested. I know it takes time to find and get to know someone. She's 29, in healthcare, and I find her very attractive - both physically and from a emotional/etc standpoint. Her profile says she's divorced so she may be careful and slow about things. I'm fine with that. WHat I'd like to know is how can I keep her interested and keep the success of the first date going without coming off like a creeper or making her feel uncomfortable. I sent her a smile via text yesterday afternoon after thinking about something she said and that prompted a good, I think, text exchange last night. I paid her a nice compliment which she accepted and she said we'll talk later this week. Again, if we can't go out again till next I'm okay with that, but how can I get her to keep talking to me in the meantime without coming off too strong and maybe see if there's a way to get her to initiate something. I've gone on enough dates to know I feel a strong sense of compatibility and attraction on my part - I think I can sense it from her. Link to post Share on other sites
George R Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 There is a chance she still wants to play the field before she sticks with one guy. This happens a lot with online dating. Be patient, but also let her know you are still around. Keep up the flirting and when you do ask her out again, plan the date and make it nice. Show your quality. One other thing. Don't go overboard with physical compliments so early. She already knows you are attracted to her. Resist the temptation to appear needy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scooby-philly Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 Thanks. Definitely, understood about the compliments. Yes, don't want to come off needy. Actually literally just got off the phone with her. Didn't get a second date yet - but she's busy - honestly, and still wants to talk. If I had to guess I'd say her divorce was probably messy and she's hesitant to get attracted to someone. She's from a more typically conservative religion/culture so I think she's really searching for someone who will support her as she is which I'm cool with. Just don't want to get stuck in the friend zone for too long. I've seen women after divorces or break ups go hog wild with activities and its hard to slowly get them to turn around and build a life with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scooby-philly Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 So to pick up, We went on a second date, spur of the moment, and had fun. We've been talking and texting. Nothing physical has happened, though after the second date I was kicking myself on the way home for not kissing her at the end. In one way I'm glad I didn't because I know she works a lot and is in the process of buying a condo so she's busy. I want her to set the pace but I also don't want to fall into the friend zone or have this turn into another "i'm not ready to date thing" which has happened to me with the last three women I've gone out with multiple times. I can respect that feeling, but I'd like to avoid this turning into that or if it doesn't work out, i'd like to avoid attracting women who aren't ready! She seems like she has a "good person" streak in her- i.e. is so used to taking care of people that she gets overwhelmed at times. I'm afraid she's so used to trying to be a good person, a good friend, a good .... that she's not ready to build a life for herself. I like her a lot thus far so I don't want to push it but I'd like to get her to say how she feels or what she's thinking. And, I'd like to know what she wants. Yes, I know all of this takes time, but any practical advice would help. She seemed open to going out again, and she seemed to like an idea I have about a potential third date. Link to post Share on other sites
Sivok Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 You're making way too many assumptions about her and she's really in your head. It's only been two dates. How many of the txt/call conversations are started by her? Regarding the physical thing, just kiss her when you're both making strong eye contact and you feel it. Just go 'I really want to kiss you right now' and lean in. Waiting until the end of the date just makes the end of the date awkward "oh god, i gotta try and kiss her now". She'll go "oh god, he's probably going to try and kiss me now". Just do it when you feel it during a date. If she "went out 3 nights in a row", that means she's exploring many options and playing the field. Is she the only girl you're dating right now? Because it doesn't sound like you're the only one of hers Link to post Share on other sites
Author scooby-philly Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 @ Sivok You are correct, I am making too many assumptions. And yes, you are also correct about not trying to make the first kiss awkward. Good point. No, she's not seeing anyone else right now - she was out with friends those nights - not to say that she might not be chatting with someone else online. She's started a number of calls/texts. The second date was her idea - she said she was busy last weekend, and then out of the blue asked if we could go out for dinner for 6. But, to your larger point, I think I will slow down the horses a bit and let her make the next couple of moves! Link to post Share on other sites
Author scooby-philly Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 Yes, Good dating advice. Yes, I do need to avoid putting them up on pedestals. I'll let her take the lead to see if she's interested in talking/texting or going out again this weekend. After that, I will make sure I keep things at the right pace. Brain dumping is the first step, so yes, it is good. Yes, I have been fishing with a net. Actually have been talking to several women at once in the past, she's the keeper from this round, so to speak, but will still see who else is out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scooby-philly Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 Ok, So i'll take the lead. I guess I can't worry if she's ready or not, just have to be myself and follow my feelings. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author scooby-philly Posted February 21, 2014 Author Share Posted February 21, 2014 Here's my gameplan. Comments appreciated. So she's visiting her brother today and tomorrow. She said on the phone Wed that she'd be open to doing something Sunday possibly or grabbing coffee next week and then doing something next weekend. She just bought a new place so I'm respectful of not rushing things. I will take my time, keep driving, but not overwhelm in the short-term. All the while I will be fishing with a wider net. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 21, 2014 Share Posted February 21, 2014 You can't "get her" to talk to you, so to speak. That has to be completely at her discretion and based on her desire and not anything you can induce. You've initiated messages, that's enough for a woman to respond to if she wants. That's all you can do. She knows herself and her own feelings and will go at a pace that is comfortable to her based on how she feels and what's going on. All you should do is stay in contact everyday/every other day and check in with messages asking how she's doing and see how she's responding to it. If she is giving a lot of feedback or initiating herself, then great. If not, then I'd pay attention and cut back and allow her to be more responsive or not. If you're supposed to go out next week, a few days before that bring it up and say are we still on for XYZ and see what she says. Unfortunately, in the dating game (esp OLD) you can have a great first date or have chemistry and still find that things don't lift off the ground. Esp with online dating, one drawback is that often people are talking to multiple people and going through similar processes with more than one person, not that it never happens when you meet regularly, but I find it to be less common that when you meet someone out and about that they're currently communicating with multiple other people. So it is possible she is also talking to other men and is also feeling them out and trying to make decisions about who to keep and who not to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StanMusial Posted February 21, 2014 Share Posted February 21, 2014 You can't "get her" to talk to you, so to speak. That has to be completely at her discretion and based on her desire and not anything you can induce. You've initiated messages, that's enough for a woman to respond to if she wants. That's all you can do. She knows herself and her own feelings and will go at a pace that is comfortable to her based on how she feels and what's going on. All you should do is stay in contact everyday/every other day and check in with messages asking how she's doing and see how she's responding to it. If she is giving a lot of feedback or initiating herself, then great. If not, then I'd pay attention and cut back and allow her to be more responsive or not. If you're supposed to go out next week, a few days before that bring it up and say are we still on for XYZ and see what she says. Unfortunately, in the dating game (esp OLD) you can have a great first date or have chemistry and still find that things don't lift off the ground. Esp with online dating, one drawback is that often people are talking to multiple people and going through similar processes with more than one person, not that it never happens when you meet regularly, but I find it to be less common that when you meet someone out and about that they're currently communicating with multiple other people. So it is possible she is also talking to other men and is also feeling them out and trying to make decisions about who to keep and who not to. If it was just a regular situation it would be simpler. I don't see how people keep up with the OLD hyperdrive supersonic dating. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 If you want to take her out ask her out. Don't wait for her to make a move because she's probably waiting for you. I'd plan a romantic date, a nice dinner date and an after event, something simple. Basically somewhere you can sneak a kiss because why waste your time if she's not into you, that way, and she's going to think you're just a friend if your dates stay too casual with no kiss. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scooby-philly Posted February 25, 2014 Author Share Posted February 25, 2014 So to continue the story. Got a third date - again unplanned like the second. Got the kiss at the end. I am taking the lead, but not trying to rush. As far as I know she's interested, but again, wants to take things slowly from what I can tell. That's okay with me. Checking in everyday or every other day. Going to try and get a planned date for this weekend. Again, I know she's busy. I've met plenty of women - through dating or just met them, who get super-busy after a divorce/relationship end. So I'm respectful of her schedule but at some point she has to want to make things work and focus on herself and her life. She's initiating things - calls/conversations via text, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
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