lionheart153 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Its been about a month, I still can't believe that it is over. Every now and then I'll be ok and feel good but then all it takes is one moment to set me back. Here I am typing again to try and get things out hoping it will make me feel better. The worst thing I think is that I don't know what I truly did wrong or what caused it to end. Her explaination at the time wasn't very vivid, she simply said she was unhappy. I tried really hard to look back and see all our problems and I did come to some conclusions to maybe what wasn't working. But none of it seems to be permanet things that couldn't be worked on. Bottom line is she never told me what was bothering her. How does someone that said they loved you so much, and agreed to marry you and wanted to spend the rest of there life with you just do that? Often times in the relationship I felt she was more invested then I was. There was no warning, its almost like she got cold feet and panicked. My friends tell me shes partying alot and posting about how happy she is and putting up status about qoutes of living life and stuff. Everyone thinks its looks fake. I've asked my friends to stop talking about it as it doesn't help me to know. She wasnt a heartless person I know that this isn't easy for her. I've done my best to maintain NC as all that I've said to her in the last 2 weeks was instructions on how to switch her cell and internet over to her name. She msged or emailed me about small things like "which store to go to" or "I'm leaving your mail in the box for you to grab" ive just ignored. My friend thinks that this will drive her mad but I don't care. How does everyone here get through this pain? Do you do something to distract yourself? When I am at work and I don't have anything to do I find all that happens is I think about her. It's painful and I wish I had an off switch for my brain. Any tips? 1
d0nnivain Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Keeping active helps. Go to a gym. Take a class. Do something you always wanted to go & if it's something that your former partner didn't want to do all the better. Surround yourself with good friends & positive people. As you have discovered, asking them to stop talking to you about your EX also helps. Make some positive changes in your life. Get a hair cut. Work out. Buy some new clothes. Learn a new skill. Work overtime or get a 2nd job to earn more money. I make lists of things I want to do now that I have time. I also make a list of all the reasons it's good that we broke up. 1
SCJACK Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Its been about a month, I still can't believe that it is over. Every now and then I'll be ok and feel good but then all it takes is one moment to set me back. Here I am typing again to try and get things out hoping it will make me feel better. The worst thing I think is that I don't know what I truly did wrong or what caused it to end. Her explaination at the time wasn't very vivid, she simply said she was unhappy. I tried really hard to look back and see all our problems and I did come to some conclusions to maybe what wasn't working. But none of it seems to be permanet things that couldn't be worked on. Bottom line is she never told me what was bothering her. How does someone that said they loved you so much, and agreed to marry you and wanted to spend the rest of there life with you just do that? Often times in the relationship I felt she was more invested then I was. There was no warning, its almost like she got cold feet and panicked. My friends tell me shes partying alot and posting about how happy she is and putting up status about qoutes of living life and stuff. Everyone thinks its looks fake. I've asked my friends to stop talking about it as it doesn't help me to know. She wasnt a heartless person I know that this isn't easy for her. I've done my best to maintain NC as all that I've said to her in the last 2 weeks was instructions on how to switch her cell and internet over to her name. She msged or emailed me about small things like "which store to go to" or "I'm leaving your mail in the box for you to grab" ive just ignored. My friend thinks that this will drive her mad but I don't care. How does everyone here get through this pain? Do you do something to distract yourself? When I am at work and I don't have anything to do I find all that happens is I think about her. It's painful and I wish I had an off switch for my brain. Any tips? I feel your pain, It's been about a month for me too and I can't believe it's over just like that. Your situation is pretty similar to mine. Unanswered questions, no warning, and I can't think of any reasons she would leave me because I was good to her. And the more I ask why or wonder, the more it hurts. She gave me reasons like she wanted to be alone etc. But goes on posting stuff on facebook like "why can't this teddy bear turn into a man" etc.. well she just left one.. She was coldhearted to me, but I don't think she realized how hurtful she was to me. I think about her everyday since the break up and it is killing me as well because it just so happens that I have too much free time alone. I try to put positive thoughts into my head like I deserve better etc etc whatever works.. I've tried doing things to distract myself, and sometimes it works but most of the time I'm not motivated enough and I'll fall right back down to where I started to where I felt like sh*t. It's really about how you control yourself and what you choose to do to make things better for you and not hurt. It's really hard to do so but as time slowly passes.. it will get better. Just try and focus on yourself, excercise, do anything you can to invest time in yourself and you will come up on top in the end. Some day she will realize or regret what she did and who she left. You deserve someone who is not going to do that to you and who cares enough to work things out with you rather than leaving coldfeeted. 1
rosedl Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Things that I find helpful: Staying busy Avoiding triggers (music, places, anything that will ignite a strong reaction) Stay completely no contact Notice your thoughts but don't hold them Stop telling yourself story lines about good and bad/right and wrong. Look up the story It could be good/It could be bad on google and follow that premise Exercise Get out and spend time with friends Allow yourself to cry and feel your feelings. Grieve. Realize that not only death is a loss. Human beings grieve lost love in much the same way we grieve death. Respect your grief process. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Not linear. It takes time. It is normal to feel these emotions and experiencing them in real time will ultimately free you up to fully heal and move on in future relationships. Don't date someone new for a distraction. It can backfire and make you feel more depressed (end up longing for the deeper connection you once shared with your ex). You aren't ready for a new relationship and it is not fair to use someone as a rebound. Allow yourself to see what problems emerged or repeated in this relationship and work to understand the emotions and fear behind them, so you will be less likely to repeat them in future relationships. Everyone brings something into the relationship, even if the other person was a total jerk, you can examine why you are attracted to someone who treats you like a total jerk. Give it time. Collapse once in a while and simply allow. A little bit of wallowing, sleeping in, and self indulgence is fine. Rest and heal. Just don't make it the sole form of coping. Understand that this feeling passes no matter how much it may not seem like it right now. It may not be tomorrow, next week, or next month. But, it will come. Forgive your ex and yourself. Experience your anger, hurt, rage, betrayal, sadness, emotion of the day. But, when it is over. Let it go. It didn't work. Holding negative emotion won't punish them, it will only hurt you. 6
sportzhl24 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 You just gotta hang in there man. You'll see from a lot of postings on here that a lot of ex's just take off for little or no reason. It happens all the time. It might sound weird but it helped me to realize that my breakup wasn't all that unique, and neither is yours. A few days, even a few hours before my breakup my ex was telling me that "You're my life. You're my world." "I'd never hurt you." Yeah, I think you can guess what happened next. And it started to pain me a little less when I realized that there are thousands and thousands of people out there in similar situations, who are emotionally stunned after their ex takes off. You must place yourself on a track of recovery. Like most people on here will tell you: exercise, healthy eating and sleeping, hobbies, friends, dating, traveling, learning, gaining new experiences, etc will all help you on this rocky rocky road. 3
Author lionheart153 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 I am doing my best to get my life back together. I'm focusing on my career, and I've picked up more hours at my other job. I am lucky that I have alot of friends that check in on me. I've done the gym thing, working hard to get back into shape. The gym also helps me feel more relaxed after as well I find. I can't seem to find things to distract myself enough however, and with Valentines day approaching my mind is wandering even more. I have gone to see a therapist as I am lucky enough that my work has it covered. She has given me great insight, and I am trying to work on things that I feel need improving on my part in a relationship so that in the future I don't make the same mistake. I want to change for me and not for anyone else, or at least that is what I tell myself. A part of me still is hoping she will reconsider or miss me enough to talk to me and maybe I can show her how I have changed by my actions. I know its not healthy, but I don't know how to change my way of thought? anyone have suggestions on things like that? I'm sick of holding onto this false hope that I have given myself. I got offered a job back in my hometown where my family lives, and financially it makes perfect sense, my parents want to see me more and they told me they wouldn't charge me anything. I'd be free to throw all my extra money towards my Student loans. And if I moved back I get a huge tax rebate. but I found myself unable to do it, I told myself and my friends and family because I felt like I wouldnt be able to grow there. But really deep down, I think I am declining it because I think something will happen with my ex in the next few months and I don't want to miss that chance. However by summer I will for sure move away.
picnicinthepark Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 First off, I'm sorry brother! I'm going through the exact same thing. Tomorrow will have been a month since the BU. We were together for almost 5 years and she left because she was unhappy as well. We had communication problems which I think could have easily been fixed. Regardless, its definitely not the best idea to dwell on the "why?" and "what if's?". You may or may never know the real reason but for now you need to focus on yourself and your healing. As cruel as this sounds, they didn't love us enough to want to work things out so they left us. No one deserves to be treated like this and you need to accept that it is over. As for staying in communication, its impossible for you to go no contact at the moment since there are outstanding matters. Take care of these as soon as you can. Once you've done this go full NC. Block her email, delete and block her phone number, deactivate or unfriend her on all social media, etc. Don't be concerned with whatever she is doing, its none of your business and it will most likely drive you crazy. I got rid of all social media to make sure I wouldn't be able to check up on her on purpose or by accident. I feel like I occupy my time with more meaningful/productive things now as well. This is the most important part... NO DO NOT BREAK NC! Take it from me, I broke NC twice (2 weeks into NC, then again a week after) and let's just say I've learned my lesson. You can't hold on to hope and keeping in contact will only fuel this hope. It'll only set you back and prolong your healing. I still have urges to reach out to her but instead I post here on LS or talk to friends and family. I promise you that it gets easier. You can do this and you are not alone! In the meantime, as mentioned by almost everyone here, keep busy! You need the distraction but also don't forget to take time to grieve. You don't want to keep these emotions bottled up inside, that will only come back to hurt you in the future. Training for a marathon and learning a new language are keeping me pretty busy but its still not enough. I'm getting better every day though and I know you will too! Hang in there brother and know that you will get through this. Everything is going to be okay!
rosedl Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 You just gotta hang in there man. You'll see from a lot of postings on here that a lot of ex's just take off for little or no reason. It happens all the time. It might sound weird but it helped me to realize that my breakup wasn't all that unique, and neither is yours. A few days, even a few hours before my breakup my ex was telling me that "You're my life. You're my world." "I'd never hurt you." Yeah, I think you can guess what happened next. And it started to pain me a little less when I realized that there are thousands and thousands of people out there in similar situations, who are emotionally stunned after their ex takes off. You must place yourself on a track of recovery. Like most people on here will tell you: exercise, healthy eating and sleeping, hobbies, friends, dating, traveling, learning, gaining new experiences, etc will all help you on this rocky rocky road. Really good post! I think the hardest thing for me with my recent break up was the extreme shift in such a short period of time. In mid October, lets be together for ever, early November 'this may not end fairy tale, I need space', December 'No sane person would stay in this relationship'. Commitment phobe to the core, he did it to me once before so you think I would have known better and not be stunned. But, when we reconciled, he seemed to have so much personal insight and awareness into his own behavior and seemed genuinely remorseful about wanting to make it up to me, I believed him. And, then, dream boyfriend for five months. Then, he started to backtrack all over again. I have been through break ups that were a long time coming. They were painful especially since the last one before this was the end of a 11 year relationship. But, being in the 'I love you, let's have a future and life together' and pure joy phase to f.u. go away so quickly is a whole other deal. It makes you question your sanity. He couldn't run away fast enough.
Author lionheart153 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 My ex was my best friend for years, we had known each other 3 years before we dated, which lasted another 3 years. It really made no sense as the day of she had been sending me information on wedding planning and told me she loved and missed me. I feel like I was a good person and treated her right. I wasn't perfect and my stress and fustration to save money so I could purchase a house for us led me to take her for granted a bit. I mean I was good man, I wanted to work hard to make money so that work would be an option for her and not a necessity. Her family loved me as far as I could tell, didn't do drugs or drink even. I never laid a finger on her and I always tried to treat her well. I drove her eveywhere, she didn't drive and I always would try to drive her if I could. It's really weird, when I am working or doing something and I feel proud I think of telling her the good news. but I remember that she is no longer in my life. Still can't believe she just up and left and with nothing. I know she wasn't sure because after the initial break up she went back on her word to take a break but then she changed again. Its tough, and today just seems like a terrible day. I feel sad and depressed and I can't seem to shake my feelings. Sorry its just been one of those days.
DontBreakEven Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Really good post! I think the hardest thing for me with my recent break up was the extreme shift in such a short period of time. In mid October, lets be together for ever, early November 'this may not end fairy tale, I need space', December 'No sane person would stay in this relationship'. Commitment phobe to the core, he did it to me once before so you think I would have known better and not be stunned. But, when we reconciled, he seemed to have so much personal insight and awareness into his own behavior and seemed genuinely remorseful about wanting to make it up to me, I believed him. And, then, dream boyfriend for five months. Then, he started to backtrack all over again. I have been through break ups that were a long time coming. They were painful especially since the last one before this was the end of a 11 year relationship. But, being in the 'I love you, let's have a future and life together' and pure joy phase to f.u. go away so quickly is a whole other deal. It makes you question your sanity. He couldn't run away fast enough. Don't feel alone Rosedl. I question my sanity by the hour. Same exact thing happened to me. She burned me once before but then figured it all out and was super girlfriend for 5 months ... a month later she was gone. In that time she managed to move in with me, get a dog with me, went on vacation outside the country with me .. hell she had named our kids and planned how they would be conceived. Things deteriorated in the blink of an eye (hindsight, it was really a matter of weeks) .. She left so fast I at first really truly think I was so stunned I was in a fog. It didn't even register that it was real. But it's been 5 weeks now, and well .. my dog is gone, her stuff is gone, and we have not spoken more than 10 minutes over the phone from when she told me she wasn't coming home. People are sumthin. Mental illness is all I can chalk it up to .. but that doesn't even make me feel better. It's beyond devastating. I have no idea what to do with myself these days. Work, home, sleep, lather, rinse, repeat. Awesome.
Author lionheart153 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Don't feel alone Rosedl. I question my sanity by the hour. Same exact thing happened to me. She burned me once before but then figured it all out and was super girlfriend for 5 months ... a month later she was gone. In that time she managed to move in with me, get a dog with me, went on vacation outside the country with me .. hell she had named our kids and planned how they would be conceived. Things deteriorated in the blink of an eye (hindsight, it was really a matter of weeks) .. She left so fast I at first really truly think I was so stunned I was in a fog. It didn't even register that it was real. But it's been 5 weeks now, and well .. my dog is gone, her stuff is gone, and we have not spoken more than 10 minutes over the phone from when she told me she wasn't coming home. People are sumthin. Mental illness is all I can chalk it up to .. but that doesn't even make me feel better. It's beyond devastating. I have no idea what to do with myself these days. Work, home, sleep, lather, rinse, repeat. Awesome. I think all of us are going through the same thing. I really know I am. it's been hell for sure. Worst is not knowing what was to come. I think if there had been signs or I knew something wasn't working like if your sex life stopped or she would avoid me or anything at all I'd at least know I didn't take the chance to fix it or work at it and therefore I have to accept the consquences. But when I feel like I was blind sided, its like you can do nothing at all but watch your once happy life and happy relationship crumble at your feet.
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