What is he playing at?

[Welsh]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/459784-female-friend-issues

 

So my ex left me.

 

However, I'm getting random messages from him.

 

So I got my stuff from his yesterday, then he text me as soon as I left saying I'd left stuff. I ignored it and had another one saying I'd left other stuff. Even though as I left he said to me if I had left anything he would gather it up and leave it in a box and that he would see me soon. Then I replied and he said to get it ASAP from him as he wants it sorted and for me to get in touch when I'm coming to get it, yet he didn't tell me his working schedule so I left it and ignored him, then half hour later he asked for something I had of his so I said okay and he ignored me.

Now this evening he's text me again saying he doesn't have an iPhone charger and that he's looked everywhere, did I have it and I told him where one was. In his laptop bag the obvious place and he said thank you and i haven't responded, he would have known there was a charger in there.

[Zahara]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/459784-female-friend-issues

 

So my ex left me.

 

However, I'm getting random messages from him.

 

So I got my stuff from his yesterday, then he text me as soon as I left saying I'd left stuff. I ignored it and had another one saying I'd left other stuff. Even though as I left he said to me if I had left anything he would gather it up and leave it in a box and that he would see me soon. Then I replied and he said to get it ASAP from him as he wants it sorted and for me to get in touch when I'm coming to get it, yet he didn't tell me his working schedule so I left it and ignored him, then half hour later he asked for something I had of his so I said okay and he ignored me.

Now this evening he's text me again saying he doesn't have an iPhone charger and that he's looked everywhere, did I have it and I told him where one was. In his laptop bag the obvious place and he said thank you and i haven't responded, he would have known there was a charger in there.

 

I read your past thread.

 

There is no need to analyze this. He's blown hot and cold -- game playing. Slept with another woman just as soon as you ended. Kept communicating with that woman. And now has ended with you again.

 

Get your things from him ASAP because these things will be a reason for meaningless ways to break NC. He probably thought you took his charger.

 

Telling him he can hang out with a woman he had sex with while you both are trying to fix your relationship is just you accommodating and being afraid to rock the boat because you need to appease him enough so that he stays with you. Set better boundaries for yourself in the future.

[Welsh]

In summary, I've made no initiation of contact but this is how my week has gone

 

So I got my things Tuesday and I didn't cry infront of him nor make conversation. He kept offering me tea and asked if I wanted help.

I left, he said have a nice week and if I've forgotten anything he will just put it in a box. he text me immediately saying id left a teddy which I ignored then he text me again saying id left other stuff so I said I'll get it another time and he said no this week so I ignored and he text me again about some money.

 

Then Wednesday didn't hear from him til after work saying that he hadn't got an iPhone charger and he's looked everywhere I told him his laptop bag and he said thanks and I ignored him

 

Yesterday he text me askingn if I wanted a tv unit for my parents for £11 from work and started putting kisses on messages. I went to get it and he sorted it for me then went back to work. I didn't text him after I left and he text me an hour later asking if they liked it and then we talked for a little and then he said I'm locking up now have a nice evening so I didn't respond

 

Then he was snapchatting my brother about me at 11pm last night

 

 

Wtf... I miss him... He wouldn't do this to his ex offer her nice things and stuff. Nobody in work asked if we were broken up either, like last time. So I'm confused.

[makaveli]

I feel so bad for you right now, he has done some really messed up stuff. I know it probably hurts and sucks to have to read what I am about to say, but you need to get away from that guy. It really sucks when you find out that one day, the person you loved walked out of the door or out of the bedroom and just never came back the same. That feeling is really ****ty, but I guess it's just another phase in life that people have to go through.

 

You should think about yourself, and take care of yourself, and stop talking to that guy permanently. It will be really, really, really, really, reaaaaaaaallllyyy difficult. But it will be totally worth it.

[Welsh]

I was so good the night of the break up after I left and I went to bed okay.

 

 

Now as the week has gone on I'm worse, I crave the tight cuddles he'd give me every morning. The fact he would ASK for cuddles even though at the breakup he said I was too affectionate.

 

Now at valentines today, he hasn't text me but put a photo of 52 cards on Facebook saying look what I got.

That girl he had a fling with posts in a separate status how she's spending valentines alone and was accidentally an hour early for work (me assuming she caught a taxi with him)

[Zahara]

I was so good the night of the break up after I left and I went to bed okay.

 

 

Now as the week has gone on I'm worse, I crave the tight cuddles he'd give me every morning. The fact he would ASK for cuddles even though at the breakup he said I was too affectionate.

 

Now at valentines today, he hasn't text me but put a photo of 52 cards on Facebook saying look what I got.

That girl he had a fling with posts in a separate status how she's spending valentines alone and was accidentally an hour early for work (me assuming she caught a taxi with him)

 

You need to stop checking his FB, Instagram, any sort of link to him. You need to start enforcing boundaries for yourself.

[Welsh]

New update.

 

Left him alone haven't bothered to contact him. Then I get a message before he finishes work asking if my parents liked the tv stand. I said yes thanks and he said no worries and I ignored him.

 

He then text me again twenty minutes later asking about details of the car accident for his medical assessment form he needed to fill out. Which I felt I couldn't ignore as it was a tough time so I messaged him the dates as I stored everything in my phone after the accident.

 

He then became very friendly and talkative, wished me a happy valentines day and stuff and I held back and didn't show too much interest.

 

He then asked if I wanted to pop over for a Chinese. I said okay.

 

Now I know you're all thinking Wtf. But I felt he had calmed down since our break up and wasn't agitated or nasty and I felt it perfect to get my understanding of where I stood with him.

 

So I went.

 

We caught up and had a really good chat and some food.

Then he made a joke about the flat being clean.

I then asked where we stood with each other.

He said it's not going to go back to how it was, which I agreed with (genuinely) and I said it had taught me lessons and we both need our space. He said let's see what happens and give it time. We ended up having sex.

 

I've just got home and he thanked me for a lovely night.

 

I know this other girl was alone tonight, he could have easily spent it at hers if he wanted to. I also know if he didn't want anything to do with me, he wouldn't because he is stubborn like that.

[Zahara]

Please don't have sex with a guy that just dumped you. You're setting yourself up to be a sex benefit to him. It doesn't matter if he spent it with you or with her. You both aren't close to being a priority to him or his life. You don't want to go down this road and be the backburner girl.

 

He told you it is not going to go back to what it was. It's time you start NC and move on.

 

PS: Yes, he "wanted anything" to do with you. Sex.

Edited February 15, 2014 by Zahara

[Leigh 87]

Omg. How sad.

 

 

I am sure you are a lovely girl, but by having sex with your ex, you made yourself look pathetic.

 

Yes. He thinks your pathetic for doing it. He has lost respect for you.

 

You are giving your body up to a man who hasn't told you that he wont commit to you indefinitely.

 

He basically thinks: I am still open to dating other women, but it is really enjoyable to have sex with you. I know you will just open your legs every time I need. When I find a girl I am crazy about and I fall head over heels in love with her, I will drop you like a hot potato.

 

 

 

Do you WANT to send THAT message to him? Do you WANT to act like a door matt? Do you WANT to act like a pathetic woman who is desperate?

 

 

Then have sex with him^^^

 

 

If you have any self esteem left, you will only give your body to men who want a committed relationship with you, OR casual sex is not to be frowned upon un my opinion, it is better than having sex with a guy who you want yet who doesn't want you.

[Welsh]

I know what I did was wrong in your eyes last night.

 

However when you love someone, baring in mind I've had a few serious relationships and this is the first relationship I've ever believed has had futuristic potential because we both want a mortgage and house and share the same life views, about saving and stuff. So I'm not being hung up on him just because he was my boyfriend or whatever. My emotions took over, admittedly. He's now starting to treat me more like he did when I was his girlfriend.

 

However, as I have had a few deep relationships and although this relationship has it's issues I think it goes deeper into his personal issues, rather than he relationship. I know his past very well too. I think he is a very complicated person.

 

He suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder and I think that plays a big part because at this time of year he can push everyone away as when he would distance himself when we first dated I would back off and in a few days he would spring back.

He went off work with work related stress during our relationship and he became a very low and down man.

He's an introverted man and loves to be alone and have his own space, which I completely understand.

Also with his injuries from his accident, he's suffering.

 

My nature is that of a caring one, even my oldest friend who treated me appallingly last year has just been back in touch with me and we've put things behind us. It's my nature to help people.

 

With his ex girlfriends, he's always dumped and only been dumped once. He has never gone back to persue ex girlfriends, he always told me how he hated them etc and I have known him a few years so I know that.

 

As I said, if he really wanted to be with that girl he would have spent it with her last night as she was free.

[Zahara]

Welsh, you need to wake up and stop living in some fog that makes you believe that you're different, he's different and your relationship was different. Your story is no different than the norm posted here.

 

Most of everyone involved in a relationship saw potential, future, marriage, long term goals and plans, shared values -- only for it to end -- and when it ends, it ends. No excuses. No rationalizing.

 

You said he's treating you like when you were his girlfriend. From what I read, he dished out the hot and cold, pushed and pulled, you moved in, you moved out -- a rollercoaster. I'm not sure if that constitutes treating you like a girlfriend. The moment he asked you to move out, he was sleeping with another woman. And even when you got back together, he disregarded your position as his girlfriend by engaging with her. Justify all you want, but your relationship is no exception and that is not how you treat a girlfriend that you love.

 

If he has all these emotional and mental issues, then how do you believe you can have a relationship with someone that cannot be emotionally available to you because he has all these problems? You think you can change him? No. The only person that can change him, is him. He has to seek counseling. He has to see a doctor. He has to be alone to go through that journey. Until he decides to do that and take control of his life and seek change, this is who he is going to be.

 

And while he is in a state, you should be taking care of you. Your nature isn't caring, you're co-dependent. You have zero boundaries when it comes to prioritizing your sense of self, value and respect. You prioritize others even when they aren't prioritizing you. You give without receiving. You fix others when it's you that needs fixing. It's one thing to help people, but it's another thing to have zero boundaries and let people step all over you. Example, enabling your boyfriend to still engage with the other woman, when he should have been working on the relationship with you. You had no boundary because having that boundary would have cost you the possibility of him walking away. So you sat quiet and tolerated it. It isn't just him that needs help, you do too.

 

And don't believe what boyfriends tell you about their ex-girlfriends. Most times they tell you want you want to hear so that you believe you're special. Don't be so naive. He certainly didn't stop pursuing some girl when he was still with you. Wake up.

 

Yes, if he really wanted to be with that girl, he would have. But he spent the night with you and also told you it isn't going to be like it was. Again, get out of your fog. He had sex with you. That was it. It doesn't make you different or special than the other girl. It would be one thing after sex he said he wanted to try and work it out, but no. He took what he needed and still let you go.

 

Retain your self-respect and dignity. Listen to people here. What you describe is nothing new. Dumpers will do this, especially the ones that are emotionally unavailable. There's a site called Baggagereclaim that talks a lot about the hot/cold/push/pull relationships and being the fallback girl. Maybe that will help you remove your rose colored glasses.

 

You need to wake up.

Edited February 15, 2014 by Zahara

[Sasukie]

I disagree, I say do what you want, if you want to get burnt and satisfy yourself for the short run then stick with him.

 

I'm a guy, when I cared about my gf, I put her first, there were no mind games not like what hes doing. Also trust is a huge thing, if your ex can sleep with someone else right after breaking up with you, all I can think is that:

1. can you even trust him in the future

2. if you're having this many issues now, imagine when you're married or what not.

 

Btw, whats with his wishy washy attitude, you don't send consistently text someone after breaking up to pick up stuff unless you're deliberately trying to mind screw someone.

 

Like others said, you can live right now with rosy glasses, but what you were doing in your last post was rationalizing why he isn't bad. Clearly you're not going to be listening to other peoples opinions, become a friend with benefits, and as you age together and he's bored of you, he'll dump you and you will be left with integrity and dignity! Also these kinds of things (FWB) spread as rumors really quickly! One of my colleagues was one and lets just say peoples respect for her dropped to zero.

 

Feel free to stay with him!

[ExpatInItaly]

This is sad. Your posts come across as needy and clinging to what once was. You also appear to be in deep denial. Your story is really not that special, nor is your love unique. Have you read the thousands of other posts here, all very similar to yours? Your story with him is actually very typical, indeed.

 

The only thing I get from this is that you cannot enforce boundaries for yourself. You don't expect better treatment from him and you make a lot of excuses for his crappy behaviour. Seasonal Affective Disorder does not make someone treat their partners poorly. Sorry, you're grasping at straws and I think you know it. You seem to believe that because he didn't choose to be with the other girl that night that it's some sign of his affection for you - no. He "chose" you because you're an easy option for him. All he has to do is make nice for a little bit and you fall back into it, and right into bed with him. Good lawd, girl. Grow a backbone and demand better for yourself. This guy is a clown, and he's playing you like a damn fiddle.

[Welsh]

There's no easy way to say this.

I love you, I absolutely do. However, I can't keep having my feelings ruined, hurt and taken for granted because I'm merely an option to you. So I need some time away from you because it's not fair on me. I've tried to give you the world and been forever grateful to you as well as improving myself the past few weeks for our sakes. You're a fantastic guy and you make me really happy. The past year has been amazing, I think the world of you. You've taught me some important lessons recently and I feel my approach and attitude has changed for the better, thank you. Maybe one day you'll have that special space for me in your life, I don't know. I just can't be an option for you anymore, it's ruining me.

 

 

 

Thinking of sending that

[Zahara]

DO NOT SEND IT.

 

He knows you love him. He knows he's using you. There is no need for you to spell it out to him.

 

You said he is a fantastic guy? In the one year that you have been with him, he has kicked you out twice, pushed and pulled you, slept with another woman seconds after he asked you to move out, then decided to continue engaging this woman while he was with you.

 

I am sorry, Welsh. There wasn't a balanced reciprocation of love here. Stop idealizing and romanticizing who he is. The past year has been amazing? Really. That rollercoaster you described didn't seem like it. You're holding onto an image, not reality.

 

Please stop being a doormat. Please stop being emotionally paralyzed by this clown. I know you are sad and hurt but stop engaging him and boosting his ego with this. This letter is another way for him to manipulate you.

 

Stop this.

[Musing]

I'd just as easily give this guy the proverbial middle finger and completely go NC.

I'd thought of sending out cute and sentimental letters after a BU and I am SO GLAD I didn't stoop so low. Those work in romance movies, not in RL.

 

When you step away form your situation and see it for what it really is, without the lovey-dovey rose colored glasses, you're going to see a whole new side of him and his intentions. And if you send that you're going to think "Wow, I was a doormat"

 

Seriously Welsh I know how you're feeling, but just cut this guy off. You don't owe him an explanation or a good-bye/farewell message. Pick yourself up and show him you're not toy that can be screwed around with.