Near four weeks no contact....determined but sad

[rosedl]

Nearing four weeks of no contact with my ex of three and a half months

(final break was a month and a half ago after he forced one of those

need space breaks on us).

 

I am not crying all the time. I still miss him very much. I am holding no

contact really well (no drive by, no social media, no calling, no text, no

email, no checking up on him through others). I broke no contact for

the first two weeks of the break up and it was so painful and hurtful, it

has helped me understand (REALLY understand) that contact does nothing

but break my heart all over again.

 

He is a commitment phobe and I do not use the term loosely. Life

time pattern of this behavior that I discovered after it was too late.

Even in his marriage, he could not fully commit to intimacy, allowing

another man to move into his house and partner with his wife. I

thought it was just a hippie alternative lifestyle. Yeah. Right.

 

I realize that I can't change him. And, the chances of his changing on his

own are slim to none especially since he is in his mid fifties with no

real incentive (I wasn't incentive enough, and I know he loves me, and

the breakup ripped him apart).

 

The struggle has been moving forward knowing that we both love each

other and there is nothing I can do to fight for that love. With true

commitment phobia (not just not being into you or the realistic

evaluations people make in considering long term commitment),

advocating for the relationship increases the anxiety instead of

alleviating it. He was popping tums constantly by the end and couldn't

address the real issue. He had to make it about me because moving

to the core of his fears just ripped him up inside. It was surreal to watch.

 

There really is nothing I can do but leave. So, the good thing is I

do now understand that and even when I miss him the most, I understand

it would be less painful to stick a knife in my heart then try to talk

to him again. Put your hand on that hot stove enough, you start to

finally get the idea.

 

I am planning a three week photography road trip for the middle of March.

Looking forward to traveling by myself and seeing the desert for the

first time in my life. I am thinking I will try to start and be open to

meeting new guys at least to explore friendships in the Spring. Thinking

of selling my house and getting something very small and spending half

of my time traveling. I am 42 with grown kids and a job that I can do

from anywhere and enough money to live very modestly comfortably,

so I do have a lot going for me in ways of opportunities and options.

 

I would like to thank everyone who read my posts and conversed with

me over the past couple of months. I am not out of the woods, but

I am not crying everyday all day and I am not repeating my destructive

pattern of seeking him out.

 

I hope everyone heals and eventually finds a partner who can share

their life in a loving and real way.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I'm right here with you! Haven't talked to my commitment phobe in awhile either, been sticking with NC and nothing on his end either. It's incredibly hard, but I'm managing.

 

I hate the low days, today is one of them.

 

I just have to remind myself that there is more to life than trying to change a commitment phobe.

[rosedl]

Nice work, Ms. Bless Your Cotton socks.

 

I am all over the place. The trend is not as weepy, a little more drive,

and thinking in different directions.

 

You are right. There is way more to life then trying to change a

commitment phobic person. Especially since it is an impossible task.

 

You can't change anyone but yourself. Cliche but true.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Nice work, Ms. Bless Your Cotton socks.

 

I am all over the place. The trend is not as weepy, a little more drive,

and thinking in different directions.

 

You are right. There is way more to life then trying to change a

commitment phobic person. Especially since it is an impossible task.

 

You can't change anyone but yourself. Cliche but true.

 

Yes! Very true.

 

How do you get through your tough moments? Or your weak moments?

[rosedl]

I get through by remembering that there is NOTHING I can do to change the situation (I did try everything and anything), and knowing that if I contact him I will be met with silence and rejection.

 

I can't deal with that anymore. The pain of that is actually worse then the pain of being apart. Oh, yes. Mr. Commitment Phobe did his work well. Pushed me away and hurt me so much and became such a incredible mean withholding jerk that I actually will now leave him completely alone.

 

I think the fact that I know so much of his history before me and seeing that this pattern long transcends our relationship really helps. It would be much easier to blame myself and think there was some fault with me or question my whole perception if I didn't know he did this to the woman before me (too late, I realized the reality of how he plays). He strung his last girlfriend along for FIVE years and kept her as back up girl and then tried to pretend he was being noble and caring because she didn't have anyone else. Sickening. He used her for sex and companionship when it suited him and strung her along. We ended after two years because I wouldn't put up with anything less then a full commitment and wouldn't play the game.

 

It still hurts but I truly do believe these are his issues.

[lovesucks76]

I'm a guy but ex had commitment issues too. She actually had major family issues. Sad! I notived these people also tend to be a bit selfish if you look deep enough. They feel and believe its not them but YOU. Only if YOU knew what they were thinking, right? You begin to question yourself. IS it me? Am I not good enough? So you do more....and then your self esteem goes lower and lower and lower the longer you're seeing them. STOP! These people are energy suckers!! They're beautiful poison! Look if you have to but don't touch and try to stay away. They give little and take a lot! It sucks to know that now 30 days post break up. I also feel stuck some times but then I remember - everyday is one day closer to freedom and happiness! Stay strong!

[rosedl]

I'm a guy but ex had commitment issues too. She actually had major family issues. Sad! I notived these people also tend to be a bit selfish if you look deep enough. They feel and believe its not them but YOU. Only if YOU knew what they were thinking, right? You begin to question yourself. IS it me? Am I not good enough? So you do more....and then your self esteem goes lower and lower and lower the longer you're seeing them. STOP! These people are energy suckers!! They're beautiful poison! Look if you have to but don't touch and try to stay away. They give little and take a lot! It sucks to know that now 30 days post break up. I also feel stuck some times but then I remember - everyday is one day closer to freedom and happiness! Stay strong!

 

Commitment phobia swings both ways for sure, it is just more common in men. I am sorry that you went through this as well. Commitment phobics often have narcissistic tendencies or personality disorders, one of the reason they can't maintain intimacy. My ex did this as well. He started to backtrack and question the relationship again (he broke up with me once before) and then when I started to emotionally react to this dynamic, he blamed me as being too dramatic and not emotionally disciplined. He backtracked on all the things he ever said to the point it was as if he never uttered the words. It is crazy making.

[Blizeow]

Congratulations on your feat with NC. I am on day 33 of NC with my ex narcissist- commitment phobe. This is the first time I have ever referred to him as a narcissist- commitment phobe. Perhaps, it is because it is such a terrible, negative thing that writing it down makes it more real; however, he was a very sweet, kind man (known him for 8 years) he COMPLETELY had both narcissistic tendencies and major commitment problems. I believe he was fully aware of his problem as well...

 

All I can say Ladies, is that no matter what, we were set up to fail. With those sorts of issues there was absolutely nothing we could have done, should have done, or would have done that would have resulted in a different outcome for our relationship with these men. I spent the first month of the BU constantly blaming myself- constantly upset and wanting a second chance. I still love him tremendously (I've had feelings for this person for 8 years. That's by just going to go away over night) and I cry still, but I have to realize, even by his silence of NC that he is SO selfish, and he will never change unless he seeks professional help. Something I cannot control... So chins up, and screw those selfish SOBs.