herself Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Honestly I cannot believe we messed up our feiendship by allowing it to turn into EA. How do you cope with never hearing from them again? 13 years of talking and now almost 40 days silent by us both. I dont know if he misses me, if he is relieved, if this is killing him too. Its REALLY wrecked me each day to see how much of a void is there. Im staying NC & I doubt he would break it as my phone & email are blocked, he doesnt know my address, and I was interviewing the last time we spoke so he doesnt even know where I work. This is brutal that a friendship is destroyed. I was a wonderful friend. Now I just feel like a villian. How does he survive NC? 1
TurningTables Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I am very sorry you are hurting. I was in the same boat as you two years ago. I lost my best friend of 20+ years because we let things go too far into a EA. You will be thankful later down the road ( as I am now) that you didn't let it go physical. It doesn't help the pain now but you will understand later on what I am saying. You need to be proud that you have made it 40 days NC. Just keep pushing through each day, one awful day at a time. I promise it gets better. You will probably always hold a place in your heart for your friend because of the longevity of the friendship, but the pain will be gone. I still miss mine even to this day, but I know it's for the best. Hugs to you. You can do this! TT 1
Author herself Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Turning tables, your so right that is the ONLY comfort is that we did not take it to the physical level. Everything else, it feels like life is now brutal and in black and white, lol with funeral music playing like I am mourning death. Id like to know more of your story and how it ended and you recovered. Did you ever hear from him again? If you would like to share, even in a pm or reply here, I would love to know. The silence is deafening, and the thought I will still be greiving for him and missing him years from now? Oh no. A life sentence? Overwhelming.
TurningTables Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Herself, It IS a death. Its the death of emotional feelings and bonds within your friendship and heart. You need to allow yourself to grieve. Give yourself some time. I used to take 20 minutes out of the day and say: Ok- I am going to allow myself this much time to miss him, cry and think about everything. I would redirect my thoughts during the day if it invaded things I needed to get done. Eventually, I would think about all the things I didn't like about our situation: Him sleeping next to her every night, them sharing holidays and the small stuff. It gave me strength to stay away. I did get closure from xMM. When I walked away, he told me he loved me (first time ever) and that if I needed him, he would be there. There were all kinds of reason why he couldn't leave (excuses). I have tried not to look back. For some people, its not a lifelong thing. I think anyone that you have been in love with holds something for everyone, it just lessens with time. You can PM if you like. I dont normally post anymore. I just come here to read when I am a little blue, check messages and such. You can find my story and all my endless dribble(LOL) if you search my name. I will be more than happy to talk to you. Keep that chin up. TT
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) Honestly I cannot believe we messed up our feiendship by allowing it to turn into EA. How do you cope with never hearing from them again? 13 years of talking and now almost 40 days silent by us both. I dont know if he misses me, if he is relieved, if this is killing him too. Its REALLY wrecked me each day to see how much of a void is there. Im staying NC & I doubt he would break it as my phone & email are blocked, he doesnt know my address, and I was interviewing the last time we spoke so he doesnt even know where I work. This is brutal that a friendship is destroyed. I was a wonderful friend. Now I just feel like a villian. How does he survive NC? You forgive yourself and him for crossing lines and boundaries. Make peace with it. It is what it is and accepting this outcome is something that has to happen, otherwise you'll never be able to really let go and heal. Edited February 12, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
imperfectangel Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) I too, used to think myself and ex mm were soul mates - "meant to be" - but now I've seen his true colours my feelings have changed Edited February 12, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
Waverly Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Herself, I'm sorry you're struggling. With the exception of the 40 days NC part, I could have written your message myself. My xAP had been a good friend for nearly a decade, and now here I am beating myself up for, amongst other things, ruining that as well. It's so hard. I know it will get easier, but right now, mourning the loss of a friendship, on top of everything else, feels just insurmountable. I'm sorry you're going through this too.
eloise123 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I too, used to think myself and ex mm were soul mates - "meant to be" - but now I've seen his true colours my feelings have changed When you are lovers and in love it is fantastic, when the relationship cannot move forward because one of you does not move at all, then it takes a downward spiral. That relationship is a living thing that has to breathe and move, if it cannot, it simply suffocates under the pressure. This happened to me. As for true colours, when the relationship suffers because it does not grow or move then you show COLOURs that are not true, it changes and darkens the colours, and for me, I know that is not the real me or the real HIM but it changes .... anyway for better or worse, not to take the marriage vows but obviously even ETAs have worse moments. 1
Author herself Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Herself, It IS a death. Its the death of emotional feelings and bonds within your friendship and heart. You need to allow yourself to grieve. Give yourself some time. I used to take 20 minutes out of the day and say: Ok- I am going to allow myself this much time to miss him, cry and think about everything. I would redirect my thoughts during the day if it invaded things I needed to get done. Eventually, I would think about all the things I didn't like about our situation: Him sleeping next to her every night, them sharing holidays and the small stuff. It gave me strength to stay away. I did get closure from xMM. When I walked away, he told me he loved me (first time ever) and that if I needed him, he would be there. There were all kinds of reason why he couldn't leave (excuses). I have tried not to look back. For some people, its not a lifelong thing. I think anyone that you have been in love with holds something for everyone, it just lessens with time. You can PM if you like. I dont normally post anymore. I just come here to read when I am a little blue, check messages and such. You can find my story and all my endless dribble(LOL) if you search my name. I will be more than happy to talk to you. Keep that chin up. TT Thank you for such an encouraging post and for sharing your story. Im going to follow your advice. Still in shock but 40 days vs. 13 years isnt long enough to forget and heal. I SO thank you for your help and support. I wanna get better.
Author herself Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Awe ladies Im sorry for your greif and loss too. Its like post traumatic stress syndrome to me. Never dreamed it would hit so hard. I believe we can heal. Im giving it evetything to get to theother side. I would rather forget him tthough than miss him for life. Also dont feel like I need to forgive myself for crossing a line. Im not sorry, all I did was love a friend truly. I didnt hurt anyone but myself. I know its hard to understand that ligic but its how I feel. Love can never be wrong in my eyes.
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