Hakuna04 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Hi. I am a 43 year old woman dating a 51 year old man, for 6 years. I come from an emotionally abusive/alcoholic/divorced (abandoned) family. I keep choosing partners that seem to not care about me...only my butt, boobs, hair, etc. I am going to make a quick list of things I am experiencing with him: 1) he was living with his girlfriend when he met me 2) he drinks every night (sometimes 5-6 tall boys, high alcohol content) 3) he smokes pot 4) has 2 DWIs and still drinks and drives 5) blames me for lots of things (like when something is missing) 6) I seem to not be able to do anything right (laundry, cook, planting plants, etc) 7) I have driven to him (140) each way for 6 years. He has driven to see me about 5 times. He offers no gas money and only rarely pays for my beer. 8) he doesn't do his taxes, has no car or home insurance, no credit, no checking account ( gets paid cash for his handyman services) 9) has a shack of a home, unfinished (big time!) with no heat or air 10) doesn't really greet me when I arrive to his place 11) keeps busy while I'm there...I sit alone...so lonely 12) walks away or yells if I try to discuss my concerns about our relationship 13) makes plans with his friends but not with me (and I'm thin, pretty, etc.) 14) doesn't want to get married...not even a gum ball ring from him in 6 years 15) may buy me a small, thoughtless gift for b-day, Christmas...but they are like socks, a headband, bracelet from a garage sale, etc. 16) blames ME when his dog runs away (because he won't train it) 17) his dog has eaten about 9 pairs of my shoes and. Not a sorry or a penny for new ones 18) afraid to call him. Don't know if he will say "hi sweetie" or " what..I'm busy" 19) he's crabby a lot...Whiney too 20) sex only, may be once a month...he lasts about 8 seconds ( no libido) 21) never ever has dressed nice for me 22) he barely knows me...no questions...nada. But I ask him all kinds of questions and do what he likes and on his turf ......you get the idea... Anyways, know my self- esteem is in a bucket. He can be so sweet "hi baby" "You're gorgeous" "perfect ass"..........and then such a jerk!! Never know what kind of mood he is going to be in. I feel like I am going crazy, especially when he is sweet...I think "am I being too sensitive?". I question myself. Ugh. Why so confused? Example: was crying once and his response was. "Oh...you're making me hard". OR. Was crying once and he grabbed my boobs. I looked at him with disgust and he said " god, I was just kidding, lighten up" HELP!!!!!!!
Zahara Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 He can be so sweet "hi baby" "You're gorgeous" "perfect ass"..........and then such a jerk!! Never know what kind of mood he is going to be in. I feel like I am going crazy, especially when he is sweet...I think "am I being too sensitive?". I question myself. Ugh. Why so confused? Example: was crying once and his response was. "Oh...you're making me hard". OR. Was crying once and he grabbed my boobs. I looked at him with disgust and he said " god, I was just kidding, lighten up" HELP!!!!!!! Your definition of sweet is when he says "hi baby", "you're gorgeous", "nice ass" etc.? "Sweet" would be making you dinner, driving to your house to compromise, buying you your favorite chocolate and some flowers while he's at the store, giving you foot rubs when you are tired, making you breakfast in bed, cuddling with you through the night when you feel sad, etc. Thoughtful, sweet gestures. Not words. But Gestures. He gets turned on when you are in pain? You cry he gets a hard on instead of consoling you? Instead of holding you, he holds his penis? You cry he grabs your boobs? Instead of holding your hand? He's like a psychopath that get's pleasure from pain. Along with your list... You are asking if you are being too sensitive? You ask if you are crazy for dating him? I'm not sure where to start. The fact that you can't see any of what you listed as a sign of emotional abuse and degradation of your self-esteem and self-respect is a clear sign that you have a warped sense of what is healthy and what isn't. What is love and what isn't. What is sweet and what isn't. It's all skewed. Have you ever seen a counselor or a mental health professional? You need one. And you need to get out from under this useless, crap, garbage, mean, narcissistic prick. 6
soccerrprp Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Hakuna, You obviously know the answer to your question. How could you not??? Are you seriously looking for advice or trolling? 1
mtber75 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 The past is the past! Your emotional past with your family is what draws you to these relationships. Needless to say, this guy seems like a total looser and the more you stay with him, the more you won't be able to escape your past. Perhaps you are trying the right your own abusive past by trying to help this guy. But this guy is 51 years old so he's pretty much set in his ways. So you should dump the guy and find someone that treats and respects you well! Godspeed! 1
Author Hakuna04 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Hi. I PROMISE you I am not "trolling" ( I need to look that up b/c I don't know what that is?). I truly need help. I am somewhat suicidal and need feedback on my situation. It's the only "support" I have right now.
Purepony Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Hakuna please read my comment and when ever he calla you remember this. LEAVE THAT SCUMBAG!!! YOU ALREADY THREW AWAY 6 YEARS DONT MAKE IT 7-8-9-10! 2
Zahara Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Hi. I PROMISE you I am not "trolling" ( I need to look that up b/c I don't know what that is?). I truly need help. I am somewhat suicidal and need feedback on my situation. It's the only "support" I have right now. If you are suicidal, then call your local suicide hotline and have them help you cope through it. Killing yourself over garbage is another ingrained and distorted view of how much you value yourself. So, you've received feedback from about 4 posters telling you to leave the situation and in addition you need to seek a mental health professional. Please tell us what is it you need to hear for you to leave this man? You state you keep choosing people that do not care for you yet you ask are you being insensitive. Listen to your brain. 1
SYLLPalmer Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Go to an Al-anon meeting. You will get exactly what you need there. I have oodles of experience in and around your current situation... Al-anon. Do it. 2
CaliGypsy Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 He sure doesn't sound like much on paper. You deserve better. He continues to do it because he can. You're 43 years old, it's time dump him and move on. It really is better to be alone than with a person who doesn't treat you with love and respect, thoughtfulness, and kindness . 3
FitChick Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 No one can grow your spine for you. You are obviously getting something out of this sick relationship or you wouldn't stay. At least now you realize you have disordered thinking so that's the first step. Like an alcoholic standing up at an AA meeting. Beliefs determine behavior. My guess would be that you believe you don't deserve better, you are unlovable, not good enough, unworthy, etc. Once you eliminate those beliefs you will be free. Good luck! 1
Zahara Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 OP, if you are so disillusioned -- write a list of the "sweet' things he does. Things that he's done for you out of kindness, thoughtfulness, love, care. It would be good for you to make a comparison and maybe then it will open your eyes. And no, saying your ass is perfect isn't sweet. I can't imagine why anyone would tolerate this for 6 years. You're 43, and we're close in age. Stop wasting your years. Write that list. See what you come up with. I bet the cons will heavily outweigh the pros. 1
BradJacobs Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 So you won him from his then girlfriend and now realize he wasn't really much of a prize to win? Leave. Don't look back. 1
blueskyday Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Oh, dear. He's a loser. Stop seeing him. You are normalizing bad behavior. I have the same abusive background as you. That's what we do. Go to a domestic violence women's program for free counseling and group support meetings. You deserve so much more. 1
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