Together for 3 and a half year, no proposal I am 32. Shall I wait?

[tuchka]

[FONT=Calibri]Hi there, I am hoping someone can help me with my situation. I am 32 years old female (almost 33). I have been with my current boy-friend for 3 years and a half. We are living together for 3 years. I am fully ready to have kids and get married, but my boy-friend was not popping the question. So I just openly spoke to him that I am approaching mid 30s and we have been together for a while – what does he think about progressing further in our relationship, planning a child…I worry that I am getting older and things are just not happening for me in terms of starting a family. He does not have kids either. So his answer was – I am not ready yet and I am not sure when I will be and if I will be, but I love you and let’s stay together for another 6 months and see how it goes. If things change I will propose, if not – I will leave you and let you find your happiness. This conversation happened 2 months ago and after that things are just not the same between us…we had no s*x for almost 2 months, I just don’t feel it…and 3 weeks ago I walked out and stayed over at my friend’s for a week-end. But I came back as I missed him so much and spent all weekend crying. When I cam back, he is nice to me, but it feels like there is no way forward – he keeps telling me about all the issues he has about me – he does not like lots of things about me – i.e. how I am with his family, polite but not trying to become close friends etc. There is another detail in all this – one of the guys I know, who is younger than me (29) started courting me non stop a few months ago, we became friends and he is constantly is telling me how much he wants to be with me, and wants to protect me, look after me, build a house with me, have kids etc…it is going on for 3 months already and he is not giving up. Still, I cannot for some reason leave my boy-friend…there are many issues we have and he won’t probably marry me, but I love him with all my heart. What shall I do:(? Thank you:love:

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[Eggplant]

Move out and break up. If it was meant to be with your boyfriend, he can always still propose at any point. You just need the freedom to date other people.

[Iguanna]

You should take your destiny in your own hands. Talk to your boyfriend and tell him that you love him and you want a family with him, but you don't want to waste any more time if he is never going to marry you and it's only fair for you to have a direct answer. What is he waiting for? Why should you be friends with his family? Isn't it enough that you are polite? What is he looking for in a relationship? What does he want you to do to make the situation better? He is not open and you deserve better than this. Give him some deadline so he gives you his answers and go from there.

[TaraMaiden]

Leave.

 

3 years, and nothing, plus 2 months and things are getting worse?

 

He will not marry you nor have a family, and short of holding a gun to his head and drugging him, there's nothing you can do to change his mind.

 

The "let's wait 6 months" was a simple delaying tactic.

He's had 3 years - why the hell would he need another 6 months?

By now, he should know exactly what he wants.

And he does. Of course he does.

Otherwise, you'd be planning a wedding, right now.

 

If you stay, expect more of the same.

And with that, you're wasting time.

 

The decision of whether to marry or not, or have kids or not, isn't his.

It's yours.

 

He has already made his decision.

He's quite happy where he is, with things as they are.

 

YOU'RE the dissatisfied one.

You are the one who will have some hard thinking and difficult decisions to make.

 

He's perfectly fine.

 

You - are not.

[oldshirt]

An adult man "knows" when someone is the right one for him and knows when he wants to marry and have a family. There may be legit reasons for not marrying a a particular point in time like getting a job, discharging from military, finishing education etc but he knows.

 

A year of exclusive dating is plenty of time for anyone over the age of 25 to know or not. If he says he doesn't know or says he needs more time, it's just a delaying tactic to hold on to the convenience of companionship and poontang.

 

This is a classic case of getting the milk for free with no intention of buying the cow.

 

I agree with iguana, time to take charge of your own life and make things happen for yourself. Leave the boy behind to play his games.

 

You don't have to mad or bitter or hurt him. Just don't let him stand in your way of getting what you want in life. He is holding you back at this point.

[yellowmaverick]

I know that it hurts to hear this, but he isn't going to propose. After 3 1/2 years, a person knows whether or not he sees a long-term future with his partner.

 

If I were you, I would leave. Start a new life - one that doesn't include him. Go out, be social. He may come around after losing you....but he may not. Don't wait for him; just get on with your life.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

I speak as someone who wasted the time of entirely nice young women in part because I lacked the courage to call it off:...

C

Leave him. He would have decided by now if he was going to. You are wasting your life waiting. Move on. Hard to do ... But easier once you get the ball rolling. If you don't you will have only regrets later.

Edited February 13, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy

[Grumpybutfun]

What for? A possibility that he might change his mind if he is the type to have eureka moments because of ultimatums? Look, a man knows if he wants to spend the rest of his life with a woman. Sometimes it is just easier to string them along than to break up and cause a scene. Don't be the woman who thought her bf would change and then feels very disappointed because he doesn't. You two are on different pages. He doesn't want to marry you or you would have a ring on your finger. He isn't even telling you a lie in order to keep you and you still don't get it. Very passive of you, but not very proactive for your future. Amicably break up and move forward. Stop letting someone who doesn't care enough to marry dictate to you your timetable in life.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Kelemvor]

[FONT=Calibri]Hi there, I am hoping someone can help me with my situation. I am 32 years old female (almost 33). I have been with my current boy-friend for 3 years and a half. We are living together for 3 years. I am fully ready to have kids and get married, but my boy-friend was not popping the question. So I just openly spoke to him that I am approaching mid 30s and we have been together for a while – what does he think about progressing further in our relationship, planning a child…I worry that I am getting older and things are just not happening for me in terms of starting a family. He does not have kids either. So his answer was – I am not ready yet and I am not sure when I will be and if I will be, but I love you and let’s stay together for another 6 months and see how it goes. If things change I will propose, if not – I will leave you and let you find your happiness. This conversation happened 2 months ago and after that things are just not the same between us…we had no s*x for almost 2 months, I just don’t feel it…and 3 weeks ago I walked out and stayed over at my friend’s for a week-end. But I came back as I missed him so much and spent all weekend crying. When I cam back, he is nice to me, but it feels like there is no way forward – he keeps telling me about all the issues he has about me – he does not like lots of things about me – i.e. how I am with his family, polite but not trying to become close friends etc. There is another detail in all this – one of the guys I know, who is younger than me (29) started courting me non stop a few months ago, we became friends and he is constantly is telling me how much he wants to be with me, and wants to protect me, look after me, build a house with me, have kids etc…it is going on for 3 months already and he is not giving up. Still, I cannot for some reason leave my boy-friend…there are many issues we have and he won’t probably marry me, but I love him with all my heart. What shall I do:(? Thank you:love:

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Honestly? There's no right or wrong way to go about things in this situation but IF you are set on marriage and children and will not accept children without marriage at the cost of losing this man, then the answer is pretty simple. I have my own opinion about marriage and think it's overrated personally. I also knew a pharmacist with three children and a "wife" who eventually married some 12 years later. I think you have to balance just how important this individual is in your life with the stark reality of your situation which is thus: He has no incentive to marry you. Marriage brings him little gain for enormous risk and he is already experiencing all the benefits of marriage without any of the risk/responsibilities. Some men are content with committed relationships but don't want anything more than that. I'm a serial monogamist and fit under that category. However, if he values you and doesn't want to lose you, then he will cave under threat of losing you. Or not. It's a risk you take, but if the thought of being eternally his "girlfriend" + or - children is not appealing to you then you have two options. Get pregnant and hope that this is the nudge he needed to commit. (I don't recommend.) Or, move out and calmly explain that you love him but need "more".

 

It sounds as if you can't stay away from him and he knows this and will just keep putting things off as long as possible.

 

What you have to risk is not finding that special someone who feels differently. You're 33. Factor in meeting someone that you feel a connection with and then giving enough time to a relationship to mature and develop THEN engagement, marriage, children. You might just not meet that person. It's a risk either way.

 

Sometimes I think marriage is over rated. I think the more important factor would be whether you two see a future with children and/or a family, not necessarily whether he sees "marriage" in the traditional sense within your future. If he's not ready or able to give you an answer about kids and a family, then there's your answer right there.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Disagree with kelemvor. Don't dream of having kids with an uncommitted partner. You've made it clear what you want and ultimatums at this

point might extract a "yeah, whatever" kind of proposal ...but is that what you want? Seize your destiny, as another poster put it. Three years was a investment, but at this point it's a sunk cost. Move on.

[whichwayisup]

So his answer was – I am not ready yet and I am not sure when I will be and if I will be, but I love you and let’s stay together for another 6 months and see how it goes. If things change I will propose, if not – I will leave you and let you find your happiness.

 

What is another 6 months gonna do? All of a sudden he's going to want to be a husband and father? The guy told you he really doesn't want kids.

 

I know you love him and this hurts, it's a painful situation... I say leave now and maybe him being without you will make him see what he's losing.

 

Another suggestion is, couples counseling.

[VeronicaRoss]

The lower sex drive after the big talk is your red neon sign that things are ramping down. I know you've got a lot invested and it's heartbreaking but don't turn this into something that embarrasses you to think about in 10 years, just leave and go for someone who wants what you want, and you too!

 

If you want a family you need to get out asap, no more games with this guy. Fertility wise you really don't have much time to find the right guy (which can be a lot of looking and hard work) and get pregnant without age related risks.

 

That's a big switch from your 20s when you have a lot of time to wait things out and it's just who you're drawn to and few people know what they want. At your age people have a pretty good idea of what they want either way, you just need to find the guy who is honest with you and himself and is willing to make it happen. A lot of guys know they'll have fewer options for girlfriends if they're open about not wanting to settle down, so don't just take their word for it, see how they act and talk with their friends to get more context too.

 

Get out now before you're further embarrassed. It's very possible in his mind he's just given the two of you six months to get out, including via a new romance.

[AnneT1985]

I agree with other posters. Own your life, it's yours and precious:)

[KatZee]

You need to leave. The big flag for me was when he said: "I am not ready yet and I am not sure when I will be and if I will be, but I love you and let’s stay together for another 6 months and see how it goes. If things change I will propose, if not – I will leave you and let you find your happiness."

 

I was with my ex 3 years and he said these exact same words. "I'm not ready. I'm not sure when I will be. If and when we get engaged...oh but I love you."

 

It's horse s.hit. I'm sorry to say. The guy has no intention of proposing to you or marrying you, and he KNOWS this. It has nothing to do with him not being ready, or unsure of when he'll be ready. You're just not the woman he sees marriage with.

 

My ex wanted to live with me as well, but I flat out refused. I knew he only wanted to live with me so he could buy more time and to continue postponing an engagement. I was not about to play house and give him everything for free while my needs were not being met.

 

Listen, he's been with you for 3.5 years. He doesn't need six months to see "how things go." He's had enough time, and he's LIVING with you. He knows exactly who you are, he knows your faults, your flaws, and he's seen enough to know that he's never going to propose to you. He's going to hang around as long as you allow him to and he's going to "play house" and keep you in this limbo for as long as you wait around.

 

The fact that he would so easily just let you go so you can "find your happiness" should show you how non-committal he is to you. A guy who wanted to marry you and who saw a lifetime future with you would never let you go so easily, wouldn't let you go without a fight...

 

Also, you can see now that the relationship just isn't there anymore. You don't have sex any more... you're both just in a stalemate and you're only delaying the inevitable. This relationship is done.

 

Get your stuff together, move out, and end this relationship. He's never going to give you what you want. You've wasted almost 4 years. If you want kids and a family, get out NOW. Because you are going to hate yourself years down the line if you stay with this guy hoping he'll eventually come around. You will have missed out on having a husband, having kids, etc.

[Jon Tenzo]

A year of exclusive dating is plenty of time for anyone over the age of 25 to know or not. If he says he doesn't know or says he needs more time, it's just a delaying tactic to hold on to the convenience of companionship and poontang.

 

This is a classic case of getting the milk for free with no intention of buying the cow.

 

I agree with iguana, time to take charge of your own life and make things happen for yourself. Leave the boy behind to play his games.

 

You don't have to mad or bitter or hurt him. Just don't let him stand in your way of getting what you want in life. He is holding you back at this point.

 

I agree with your last point but not the point about a year being enough. A year is enough to know you want to be with someone long-term, NOT long enough for marriage or kids. No matter how old you are.

Edited February 19, 2014 by Jon Tenzo

[SweetandHappy]

He had definitely had enough time. Unfortunately, he doesn't care. His words and actions show that. When he says that he doesn't know that he will ever be ready, it just means that he won't. And, him saying "if things change" he may reconsider.. horse****e... along with his list of things that he doesn't like about you. Not a great way to start off a marriage. Believe me, there are others out there that will appreciate you.

[exileonmainstreet]

The question you have to ask your self in any relationship is simple. Are your goals aligned? This extends beyond romantic relationships all the way to base friendships. If your goal with having a drinking buddy is to have someone to go drinking with, but they're looking for a bridge partner, and you don't like to play bridge, then the friendship is not meant to be. The same goes for your relationship. If you desire a family and children sooner than later, and that is your biggest priority, and your partner does not, it does not do either of you favors to be in a relationship that you two do not have a common goal. A relationship should work to achieve a shared interest, and it, sadly, does not look like your interests are shared anymore. They may have been at one point, but people change. It is fortunate when people change together, and when your partner loves you through your changes, but this does not seem to be the case. Live your life to accomplish the goals you have for yourself, and allow your partner to accomplish the goals he has for himself.

[Poppygoodwill]

It must be painful to hear the opinions of people on your problem. I'm sorry to say I agree with everyone.

 

After 3.5 years together, what additional informaiton will he learn in the next 6 months that will suddenly help clarify his mind?

 

And then if he decides it's not what he wants, he'll leave you? So basically you're supposed to be on tenterhooks for six months waiting for the axe to come down?

 

Walk away now, sister. Let him spend the six months without you.

 

Your departure will provide him with new information that could clarify his mind. Losing you might shake him up. And if it doesn't, then at least you'll already be six months down the road toward your new life and finding someone who wants the same things you do.

[BC1980]

Your story is just like mine. I was 32 and had been with the ex for 3 years and lived together. There was always some reason we couldn't get married. He would make a lot of noise about getting married but would never make good on it. I was so unsatisfied but stayed and hoped it would work out.

 

The day he was supposed to put the deposit down on our wedding venue, he told me he had second thoughts. This type of behavior continued until he finally broke up with me. He would get right to the point of marriage and back out. Just leave. It won't end well. I'm so sorry, but cut your losses now. I was thinking about leaving my ex about a year before he dumped me. I wish I had.

[Robert]

Thread starter, if you would like this opened back up then alert on this post and we will do so.

 

Thanks