Bailey621 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I have been living with a man for a year. I just got notified of one of his "rules" and that is this: if he goes out somewhere without me, with his buddies, I have no right to know where he is or who he is with. He says that rule applies to him too if I should go out without him. So far it has never come up, we do most things together. He has been out a couple of times without me, but it was because I did not want to go where he was going, it was my choice to stay home. I have absolutely no problem with either of us doing things separately, but IMO it is just so wrong that he wants to keep his whereabouts a secret from me. What happened to common courtesy? He says he is entitled to some privacy, but this is going too far. He does have privacy with some things like his log on info for his computer and Facebook accounts, etc. I am fine with that, everyone needs some privacy. I do trust him but if he should go out and not tell me where he is then that trust would start to fade. I am not asking him to text me all night long, that's ridiculous. Oh, apparently his ex wife was ok with that rule. I don't know of another woman who would put up with that bs. I won't!
CarrieT Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 If he is serious about this "rule," I would probably call the relationship quits. It is a giant Red Flag of other issues (lack of communication, hiding things, not being partners) that would indicate he is not looking at the two of you as a team. And where will your life end up? And why did his wife agree to it and why is there marriage over? Many questions to ask yourself... 13
thinkingofhim Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I agree with you, I wouldn't put up with this. I think it's a pretty basic courtesy and a safety concern to let your partner know where you will be and who you will be going with. It's not like you're not asking for minute by minute updates on his whereabouts. 2
Art_Critic Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Oh, apparently his ex wife was ok with that rule. I don't know of another woman who would put up with that bs. I won't! His ex didn't either I'm with Carrie on this one... 5
CaliGypsy Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 He can make any "rule" he wants. Doesn't make it a thing. If this is unacceptable to you .. Make it known to him now. It's not going to get better. It is a common courtesy to let the person you live with know your whereabouts. 2
amaysngrace Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 This is just a hunch but I think he is bi 4
Author Bailey621 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 His ex didn't either I'm with Carrie on this one... Actually, she did and supposedly did it herself, or so he says
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Why not test the waters? Go out yourself and come home in the wee hours of the morning, see how serious he is. 3
mammasita Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Raising the BS flag with the others. I see it as a blanket excuse to cheat. 2
oldshirt Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 There's privacy and then there's secrecy. Privacy is shutting the bathroom door when you take a big ol' dump. Secrecy is not wanting someone to know what you are doing because they won't approve. To be adament about you not knowing his whereabouts or who he is with means he's not pouring bowls of soup in a homeless shelter, playing with orphans at the orphanage or cleaning cages at the humane society. He's either out picking up chicks, picking up dudes, buying/selling drugs, doing dirty work for the mob or holding up liquor stores. People never demand secrecy to do something positive. 9
Silly_Girl Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Is he doing it to annoy you? Saying this, I mean? Is there a trigger in something you've said? Is it his way of saying 'I don't need to ask your permission' as opposed to 'I will not tell you where I go alone'. Because otherwise it makes no darned sense to me at all!
waterwoman Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Right? What has 'right' got to do with it? He shouldn't want to hide things from you. We have always done plenty of things independently of each other but there was never secrecy involved (funnily enough even when he was having an affair he never lied - he didn't need to as I trusted him enough not to ask. Ha!)
Realist3 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 This 'rule' is for the birds. There is no reason you should accept that type of secrecy.
Author Bailey621 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 There's privacy and then there's secrecy. Privacy is shutting the bathroom door when you take a big ol' dump. Secrecy is not wanting someone to know what you are doing because they won't approve. To be adament about you not knowing his whereabouts or who he is with means he's not pouring bowls of soup in a homeless shelter, playing with orphans at the orphanage or cleaning cages at the humane society. He's either out picking up chicks, picking up dudes, buying/selling drugs, doing dirty work for the mob or holding up liquor stores. People never demand secrecy to do something positive. You hit the nail on the head! 1
Author Bailey621 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 I will not put up with this "rule". Period. 3
d0nnivain Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I have rules too. And Rue # 1 is I don't date @$$holes. What a stupid rule. What if something happens while he's out? What's the big deal telling you that he's going to a bar, or a buddy's house or bowling? Unless he's going out to pick up prostitutes or rob banks telling you should be a no brainer. Shut this rule down or walk. 4
Author Bailey621 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 I have rules too. And Rue # 1 is I don't date @$$holes. What a stupid rule. What if something happens while he's out? What's the big deal telling you that he's going to a bar, or a buddy's house or bowling? Unless he's going out to pick up prostitutes or rob banks telling you should be a no brainer. Shut this rule down or walk. I will shut it down. 1
Author Bailey621 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Why not test the waters? Go out yourself and come home in the wee hours of the morning, see how serious he is. I would, but I don't have any friends to do that with.
Author Bailey621 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Is he doing it to annoy you? Saying this, I mean? Is there a trigger in something you've said? Is it his way of saying 'I don't need to ask your permission' as opposed to 'I will not tell you where I go alone'. Because otherwise it makes no darned sense to me at all! I think it simply means he believes he doesn't need to tell me where he goes or who he is with if he were to go out without me. It hasn't been an issue yet, luckily.
OpheliaSong Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I will not put up with this "rule". Period. I think it simply means he believes he doesn't need to tell me where he goes or who he is with if he were to go out without me. It hasn't been an issue yet, luckily. This sounds like friendship, not a committed relationship. Bogus to think that someone isn't cheating or doing something illegal of they make nonsensical rules like this. Secrecy and privacy are two different animals. 1
TiredFamilyGuy Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Basic lack of respect here. Not "respect for his privacy" but respect for you. Unless you have serious form as a paranoid stalker, this is a big red flag. Dump the chump.
pteromom Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Maybe someone in his past tried to control where he went and what he did, and now he is hyper-sensitive to it? Forget the "rule". You need to come to some sort of compromise so that if he is out, you aren't just sitting at home worried about him. It's no skin off his hide to tell you "I'm going to ____ bar, then over to ____'s house for a bit." or "I plan to be home at 1, and if it ends up being later, I'll call you." 1
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I would, but I don't have any friends to do that with. Go see a late movie alone, crash on a girlfriends couch, anything to be certain the "rule" applies to you both.
BetrayedH Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Got it Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 I have been living with a man for a year. I just got notified of one of his "rules" and that is this: if he goes out somewhere without me, with his buddies, I have no right to know where he is or who he is with. He says that rule applies to him too if I should go out without him. So far it has never come up, we do most things together. He has been out a couple of times without me, but it was because I did not want to go where he was going, it was my choice to stay home. I have absolutely no problem with either of us doing things separately, but IMO it is just so wrong that he wants to keep his whereabouts a secret from me. What happened to common courtesy? He says he is entitled to some privacy, but this is going too far. He does have privacy with some things like his log on info for his computer and Facebook accounts, etc. I am fine with that, everyone needs some privacy. I do trust him but if he should go out and not tell me where he is then that trust would start to fade. I am not asking him to text me all night long, that's ridiculous. Oh, apparently his ex wife was ok with that rule. I don't know of another woman who would put up with that bs. I won't! I read this to my husband his comment is, "he is entitled to some privacy on the pot". "It's just not healthy. And that is why she is the ex". "He can have all the private time he wants when he is single". 1
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